Tag Archives: phobia

Most of Us Live in Silence

I have all sorts of mental problems… we all know that by now!  But I am not alone.  The great majority of people like me are hiding in the wings.  They will never set foot on the stage.

I am not sure why I have chosen such a public path.  I know it is no-one’s fault that I am where I am.  And my struggles are not a creation of society… or of myself.  So why do I write about it here on the Internet?  And why don’t more people read it??  I will leave the latter question for others to answer.

As to myself.  I think the answer is somewhere around my need to understand, and to connect.  The connecting with other people part has always been a complex mission for me.  And for so long I did not understand where the problem was – it was me.  More precisely, my weird brain chemistry.

There is no more I can do about the chemistry part, so I have to work in other areas.

But that does not really answer the question either.

I have never seen much of a need to hide my physical, or mental limitations.  But I have kind of gone the complete other direction from hiding.  I know it burns some people out to read all I write.  It seems like a never-ending story.  But at least you guys are not stuck with it all the time!

I wonder about all those other people out there like me.  I have met a few thru this Blog, and discovered a few that I had already known – we get very good at “blending in”.  It helps to know there are others who share my experiences.

I think that is what I am looking for – understanding.  Not just from people how understand by experience, but those who can learn to understand, and accept.  It is as if we live in another world, and we just want human contact like everyone else.

Is that so much to ask?

When Thinking is Too Much

I think too much.  Just like the Paul Simon song – “Maybe I Think Too Much”.  There are times when I can not control the direction my thoughts will take.

When I have things to get done, I have to build a careful plan.  I need to consider every aspect of what I need to do, and set priorities for each thing.  This helps me get thru tasks without having to rethink them too much.

So I have a sort of outline for the day – when to think about what.  I can put off thinking about something, if I schedule when to think about it, and I already know the basics.  It works pretty well for me usually.  (“when” means in what order, not what time).

If I do not plan, and control where my thoughts go, and when, then my brain runs rampant, and I can not control where it goes.  All other considerations get pushed aside.  I get stuck in a loop of over thinking.

So this plan works… some of the time.

The problem comes when something upsets the “plan”.  It can be any of a number of things (yes… zero is a number, but I mean a bigger number).  Once that happens, everything falls apart, and the planning has to start from scratch.  And that usually means planning on the fly, which is almost always doomed to failure.

Last second planning takes on a life of it’s own.  My mind becomes swamped with some new direction of thought.  And I can not control where it will go.  But for sure, the old plan is dead.

This is how things I really want to do, don’t get done.  Those things invariable fall to the end of whatever “list” I might have, and those things usually do not get done at all.  There will not be enough energy to fill in for that planning by late in the day.

Sometimes the upheaval is so strong that I end up getting nothing done, because the planning stage burns me out, and I shut down.  This happens a lot!!

This is where most of my least productive days come from.  One small event, and the whole thing – water, tub, and baby – all get thrown out, and I fail.

Sadly… this is one of the things I had been working on in session before it’s early demise.  I will slowly figure it out though – it actually is a lot better than it used to be.  Removing the grocery shopping has taken away a lot of my Stoppers.  That alone accounted for at least 2 lost days per week.

But I can not eliminate all the Stoppers, so I need to find a way to deal with them.  I will keep looking.

There is More than Meets the Eye…

Another night full of nightmares, and restless “sleep”.  I would just stay in bed all day if I could… there is very little point in being up.

Except there are things I need to do…

At least it is clear there is more to this than just having gone out for errands Monday.  That may have started the ball rolling, but it is collecting plenty of moss now.  If I may mix a few metaphors.

The big problems I face now are all the things I really need to do today, and this weekend.  I think I will be okay if I can pull myself together, and enjoy some of the time.  That has been known to happen.

The problem gets worse when I want to get some of my things done.  I have even less motivation for those things… there is less reward to them.  So I will do what I can, and just try to get thru the day.

I know I am hurting partly because of my sudden increased aloneness… but that is what it is, and I need to just get used to it.  I do not have someone to help me thru these issues.  But that is not new.  I have got too used to having my back protected.

Okay… I have to find a way to move on.  It is not doing any good to suffer alone.  I have to find new things that will help.  I need a better attitude, and more optimism.  I need to build something.

Going Out, and the Repercussions

I spent a couple of days planning for running a few errands yesterday.  What was unusual was that I needed to go out of town – not very far, but places I am not used to going.  So it took some time to get ready.

Things went pretty well.  I spent a long time at the hardware store in town, before heading up the freeway to a hobby store.  Then I stopped at a Garden Center, and bought some flowers for our new backyard garden.  I did not go to a forth place I had planned to go, but it was still a good trip.

I felt pretty good about it.  Yesterday evening I was tired and drained, but I did fine.  Then there was this morning…

I feel empty.  My emotions are escaping me.  I have no energy.  Now I am just sitting, trying to make sense of the day.  I do not want to do anything… eat anything… I could sleep all day.

I had hoped to start on some small projects today – I needed parts from the hardware store.  But I do not see that happening now.  All I want to do is sit, and stare.  And I don’t really want to do that.

The worst part is that I have used basically 3 days to go out for 3 hours.  Tomorrow I will consider whether it was worth it.  But it seems out of proportion with what I got.  Maybe it was good for me, but that is hard to see right now.

When is the cost too high?

My One Constant in Life

If there is one thing that has been a constant part of my life, it is that everyone will eventually abandon me.  Everyone.

I push most away, but some leave on their own.  Either way, the result is the same.  I have been here before, and will be here again.  I never quite get used to it.

And here I am again.

Follow-Up From Yesterday.

When I went to be last night, I spent about an hour going over my plans to go to Walgreen’s.  I will try to go in about 2+ hours, so I will have to go thru it again… probably 3 or 4 times.

I can visualize the store in my mind.  I can see the isles, and the items on the shelve – sans any writing on them. I can walk down each isle, and see what is around me.

I need to map out my visit.  Where am I going to go first, and what path will I follow?  Where is each item I need?  At what point do I go get my prescriptions at the back of the store?  And most importantly, what do I do if they are out of something – I am only getting things I know then carry.

I visualize the people I who work there, and what to expect from them.  It is all very carefully planned.

And I plan it over, and over, and over, to make sure I have every option covered.  I even plan for changes I might have to make if they are restocking some place, and I have to come back to it.

The plan must be precise, and cover all possible changes that I might have to make.  I also have developed a plan for each item they may not have – what will I get, or use instead?

I takes a lot of time.  All together, I fully expect this trip to take about 6 hours of prep time.

AND: I should get better at this, I am out of practice.  This trip should only take 3-4 hours to plan.

And I Am Sisyphus.

I have, at times this year, made significant progress.  But each time, events have hit me hard, and knocked me back.  I really think that is fairly normal.  I am not fond of this system though.

Now I find myself in a place I have been before… it is familiar.  I have to rethink much of my life, and my goals, and how I could get there.  I have discovered that I have been operating under some misconceptions.  And they could affect just about everything I am.

It has also thrown the breaks on my efforts to do more at home, and find success here, before stretching farther.  It is a plan I developed with the help of my psychologist.  And it was working.

Now I will have to cut way back on those efforts.  I have not been to the grocery store in a couple of months.  Recently, I have known I would not have to do the grocery shopping, and it caused a much bigger reduction in my built up anxiety by the end of the week.

I was doing a lot more at home – especially with my hobbies.  But I was also doing better at my household chores, and even doing things not on my list!  It was getting so good, I found myself without the TV or stereo on much of the time.  I had other, more fun things to do!

It has now been almost 3 weeks since there has been any grocery shopping done here.  I ran out of Guinness over a week ago.  I am scrambling to meet some of my needs.  Fortunately, a local Walgreen’s is one of the places I can go, and I have been able to keep up.

Not any more.  We are now out of the right food for one of our cats.  He pretty much has to eat it.  I have stalled as long as I could, but I still have no idea how to resolve that issue until Wednesday when I have to go out to see my psychiatrist.  I can stop for a couple of things then.  I hope.

So I am now back where I was.  I spent about 4 hours today working very carefully on my plan to go to Walgreen’s tomorrow.  If nothing goes wrong, I should make it just find.  But the result is that I start the week already depleted.  I will not get much done around here this week.  My hobbies will gather dusk.

I have to focus on being able to do different things now.

Using “EA” in My Life

Embracing Agoraphobia

It’s a term I started using a few years ago.  I have even Blogged about it in my other Blog.

The idea is that I should accept my agoraphobia as long as it does not stop me from going out when I really need to.  That means I do not even have to even think about going grocery shopping (most weeks).

I even wrote about this a bit in my last Blog.

Now I am seeing that is making a difference in my anxiety levels during the week.  And these last 2 weeks have been a lot easier during the run-up to the weekend.  It is easier to do things at home now.  And it feels very nice.

Now… will that end up hurting me in the long run?  Right now I am not sure.  And I do not really care.  That is something I will think about in a few weeks when my brain has settled down, and my anxieties are lower.  Only then will I actually consider how to slowly push myself out more.

For now, I just need to build up my energies, and lower my average anxiety level.  That will give more successes to help my confidence.  I need this to go on for a while at least.

He’s Making a List, and Checking it 834 Times….

Well… maybe not 834 times, but each of my lists contain things that have to be very carefully thought out – whether it’s a shopping list, or a to-do list.  I don’t even write something down unless I know what it means.  And to me, the includes knowing every step to completing that one thing.

It works.  I can work off the list, and not get too anxietied out by having to figure things out as I am working.  That is the worst thing that can happen, because it drain energy very quickly… I may not even be able to finish that one thing.

This all works for me.  The process is reasonable, lowers anxiety, and gets things done. 

The problem comes when suddenly I have to add something important to the list.  This does not work very well.  It means I have to think thru something new.  Often I do not have time to think it thru thoroughly.  But if I don’t have time for that, it can make the whole house of cards fall in.

And if the new item has too many things that have to be figured out, it can make everything fall apart even before it gets started.  Then nothing happens.

Okay… I get that this is not a permanent way to deal with lists of things to be done.  It works for now, but it will have to evolve over time.  This is not a very high priority for me to deal with right now.  I have to figure out where to put my energies, and since this works (mostly), I will stick with it for a while.

Lessons Not Learned

It is easier for us to think about all the great things we have learned in our lives than to try to reflect on what we have missed.  Yes… even for me.  I keep trying to reach beyond my limits.  It’s good to test your limits from time to time, but when I keep running into the same walls…

What was it Einstein said about trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

Even yesterday in the middle of all this, I was thinking about how I could go sit in a coffee shop, and have a place nearby to go.  Okay… that is not going to happen.  The last few days I have been planning a trip to a museum in Seattle – not going to happen.

When I feel most calm is when I can accept that I must just stay home as much as is possible.  My office is slowly moving along, and I am more and more comfortable in here.  I don’t really want to go out, do I?

There are few places I really need to go.  Mostly they are here in town, and I am familiar with them.  I have to go to 2 of them today.  And though I have some anxiety about it, I am pretty sure I can do that.  And I can go out with Lori most of the time… so why worry?

I had a really bad night… another really bad night.  My nightmares are filled with failures.  Failures in family, teaching, and life itself.  I need less anxiety, not more.  Staying home more will help.  I need to plan things I can actually do!

I suspect I will test my limits again, but I will get the same results.  And I am fine with staying home, so why try?

Session – Oct. 24, 2012

I had session today – the first in three weeks!  I have been trying to go more than that over the last few months, but I was not too bad off before this session.

Mostly we talked about where I am with my meds, and how to handle my increased anxiety and OC behavior.  Since I am on new meds, I am waiting a few more weeks to let things settle in before deciding on taking more.  So far I think I will need it…

So I am having to go back, and relearn some of the relaxation techniques I learned 6-7 years ago.  I got out of the habit of working on those so much.  And now I am back at it.

I am now having more anxiety before I go out – anticipatory anxiety.  And it can be a real problem!  Sometimes I feel like I can’t even get out the door.  And planning can be a challenge.  I have to be careful to not push myself too much, or I will completely fall apart and not be able to go at all.

Once I do get out the door, my anxiety moves over to the normal phobia type… I have to deal with the real fear of actually being out in the world.  It gets worse or better depending on where I am going, and what I will do there.  Familiar places are not too bad – unless they are like the dentist etc. 

Currently, I am having significantly higher anxiety of both types.  It is harder to think about going out; to get ready to go out; and to actually get out the door.  And while I am out, the anxiety is worse than it has been in years.  I have generally been able to fight thru it because I have learned that it will pass, and I know I will get thru it.  That is not enough, but it helps…

So I come home more drained, and feeling flatter.  It takes a lot longer to recover.

Now I am working on resurrecting some of the techniques I learned years ago when my anxiety was uncontrolled.  Mostly I am trying to take deep breaths and relax my brain – that does involve needing to be somewhat alone, but it helps.  And I am paying more attention to planning simpler trip.

All in all, it works… but I need session to rehearse some of these relaxation methods.  And I will be bringing back more home tricks I used in the past – that will leave me more energy for going out.

It’s going to take some time… but it will work!

So… How Many Blogs do I Have?

Okay… having 4 Blogs may seem kind of crazy, but it will work best for me!  My original Blog was getting to confusing – people didn’t know what to expect.  So I am writing all my new personal Blogs on this Blog.  Though I will put a weekly update of my original Blog.

This is where I will share about my Anxieties, Depressions, Phobias, Obsessive Compulsive behaviors and what ever else comes up.  I will write it when it’s happening some time… There will be notes about how I got out of it… And there will be Blogs about my sessions with my psychologist.

I’m not sure how often I will post, but my guess is it will be pretty often!  So hang in there, and read what you want.  Please comment – I’d like to know what people think.