Tag Archives: neuroses

Being “Irrational”

Has anyone else noticed, that when people point out you are being “irrational”, they generally expect that to be the end of it? You will stop being irrational, and become rational just because you had not noticed it. sigh…

How can I recognize a solution, when I am not the least bit clear on the problem? It seems like a cart before the horse kind of situation. While I am still trying to figure out what happened, everyone else was moved on, and assumes it won’t happen again. What won’t happen?

There are things I can not do reliably. That is not going to change. The thing I need is for people to get that first… then look for ways to mitigate it. I can’t teach my brain to work differently. I have to learn what to look for, and rely on others to do the “rational” part. Letting the irrational guy figure out what to do… does that make sense to rational people?

Most of Us Live in Silence

I have all sorts of mental problems… we all know that by now!  But I am not alone.  The great majority of people like me are hiding in the wings.  They will never set foot on the stage.

I am not sure why I have chosen such a public path.  I know it is no-one’s fault that I am where I am.  And my struggles are not a creation of society… or of myself.  So why do I write about it here on the Internet?  And why don’t more people read it??  I will leave the latter question for others to answer.

As to myself.  I think the answer is somewhere around my need to understand, and to connect.  The connecting with other people part has always been a complex mission for me.  And for so long I did not understand where the problem was – it was me.  More precisely, my weird brain chemistry.

There is no more I can do about the chemistry part, so I have to work in other areas.

But that does not really answer the question either.

I have never seen much of a need to hide my physical, or mental limitations.  But I have kind of gone the complete other direction from hiding.  I know it burns some people out to read all I write.  It seems like a never-ending story.  But at least you guys are not stuck with it all the time!

I wonder about all those other people out there like me.  I have met a few thru this Blog, and discovered a few that I had already known – we get very good at “blending in”.  It helps to know there are others who share my experiences.

I think that is what I am looking for – understanding.  Not just from people how understand by experience, but those who can learn to understand, and accept.  It is as if we live in another world, and we just want human contact like everyone else.

Is that so much to ask?

Surrounded By People Who Do Not Understand

I live in a world outside of yours.  I can not explain what happens in my brain because people don’t get it.  They try to talk me out of it; or convince me to try something else; or any of a number of things that simply show they simple do not understand.

My brain does not work thru things the same way… It’s as if when there is a dog, I see a horse.  I can explain that it’s a horse… I might even know it is not what it looks like.  But no amount of discussion will make me see a dog.  It’s just not going to happen.

What to do?  I don’t know.  Maybe just let me see the damn horse!  I’m not going to try to ride it.  But I have to live with the fact that I see a horse!

Okay… not a great analogy.  But you can not talk someone out of being mentally ill.

People get angry with me because I get so very frustrated that I can not get anyone to understand – except people who already understand because they live there too.  I have lived a life of mind numbing loneliness, and all people want to do is convince me it’s not so bad… or if I try a little harder, and things will be okay.

I live in Hell, and others get upset because I am not treating them fairly!  Only one person in my live has ever treated me as if the way I think is okay – my mother.  And it took us a very long time for us to get to that point.

People think I am slighting them… or ignoring their needs… or that I don’t care.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  But they are clueless about my needs, and belittle them when I bring them up.

Just remember… I am stuck inside me ALL THE TIME!!!