Tag Archives: mentally ill

Being a Second Class Person

Because I am “crazy”, people can justify filtering, or ignoring things I say.  People can apply their own double standards because things I say can’t be trusted – my emotions are all over the place, so my logic can be discounted.  This especially happens if my emotions runnith-over, because we all know “crazy” people can’t be logical or talk right.

In all fairness, I do sometimes mess up how I am trying to say something… usually by leaving of the first part of my thought.  But that is followed by comments of my not making “any” sense, and increasing the amount of what I say that can be ignored.  No explanation can rehabilitate my thought, because why?  Cuz I am Crazy.  Move on.

Just the other evening, Lori contended a double standard was appropriate.  She did not have to follow the same rules of logic I did… because I am “crazy”.  She can ignore things I say, OR reinterpret them as she sees fit.  All this because I am “crazy”.

People don’t answer pleas for help… how could they?  I am “crazy” so there is clearly nothing they can do to help.  Walk away.

When people THINK there is nothing they can do, they walk away.  They never find out what they could have done… how they could have made a positive difference.  But that’s ok…  I am “crazy”.

I have a recorded IQ of over 150… I’m no genius, but I am smart.  People who know me have told me I am smart. Yet… when I act the least bit “crazy”, or even some way they think might be a little bit “crazy”, they can dismiss, ignore, or rewrite any of it.  Ignore me.

I’m not sure they realize what they are doing… they may think “Poor Neil…” or one thing I have read written about me more than once, “That’s just Neil.”  Meaning `just ignore it’.  Just ignore Neil.  He will go away… he always does.  Then you won’t have to worry about me anymore.  It’s not really any else’s problem anyway.

How easily all this could have been avoided… 40 years ago.

In the World of the Mentally Ill

And that is not “mentally the third”.

When your brain does not work the same way, you are often left defenseless in the real world.  I can not predict how people will react to me, because my mind can not work that way.  I do not know how to interpret them.

I have been described as “overly empathetic” by my psychologist, and psychiatrist.  I do not have filters, so everything hits me at my heart.  My mind tells me that everyone will be the same.  Maybe I lack some basic defense mechanism, but I am constantly, emotionally buffeted by people around me.

I can not usually relate… so I try to be alone.

Thoughts over-run my mind, until I can not think clearly about anything.  So I try to be alone.  I try to minimize the amount of input I am dealing with… I have to deal with it all.  I can not let something slip out of my thoughts, until it is resolved.  And how often can we really resolve things fully?

I spend at least 4 hours of almost every day, just trying to push down my anxieties, fears, thoughts, and emotions.  It gets tiring.  And there is nothing to show from it.  It is empty wasted time…

Some people respond by saying nothing – afraid to say the wrong thing.  Some people go ahead as if everything is normal, and run right over me.  It is so easy to do without even trying (not that they would).  Most of the time, I just go on… or try to.  Some times it is all too much, and I crash into depression.

There are Times When I Do Not Want to Have to Control What is Going on in My Mind…

There are times… often… when I am tired of controlling what is going on in my mind.  I get tired of having to work at keeping myself going.  I want to be able to let go of it… and not have to work at directing myself.  I have always known it was a struggle to meet the expectations of others. 

The trip I went on last week, was the beginning of my finding a new way to do that.

Rediscovering reading is helping a LOT.  My efforts at reading with a Kindle have taken me back to when I used to read a lot.  And I can – I have had many times of reading more than 5 hours straight.  And the longest was about 9 hours.  It gives me an escape… when I can do it.

When you live with mental illness, you have to work at everything.  Letting your mind wonder generally means letting anxiety, or depression have space to jump to the fore.  We have to be constantly on guard.  And we all need a break.

Even sleep does not always (usually?) help.  Nightmares are all those mental issues running amok.

So true rest, and relaxation can be hard to come by.  No-one can truly understand this without having been there.

insert cleaver title here

I think differently… at least in some ways.

I do not understand the way people react.  And I think it is beyond doubt that others do not understand how I react.  It’s a given.

The best times for me, are when I am alone at home with Lori.  I need to not be on Social Media, or in contact with anyone.  It is no-one’s fault but my own… but I need a level of contact and trust that most people can not give.  It’s okay.  I get it.

Right now I am struggling with changes I have imposed on my life – I am making an increased effort to keep to myself.  I have hobbies, and reading, and writing to do.  I am reading a couple of books a week, plus some serials.  I am am trying to start writing again.  I have neglected my Blogs, and my journal.

I was so used to having Facebook on almost all day… I keep thinking of things to post.  But it was a false connection to the outside world.  I thought it was real.  Now I look around my office – this is real.  And this space is my life now.  Plus the rest of the house of course.

I have everything delivered – including food.  I do not have to go out very often.  And I only have to go out to places I know, and feel comfortable with.  The pieces are starting to fall together.

It will take a while to adjust, but I will.   Smile

Baby Steps…

I take one week at a time.  I have a routine for the week, and if things go well, I can get a lot down and have a lot less anxiety.  When things work, my life feel very nice!

It happens.

Most weeks I can hold my own… things are OK.  The problem is that right now, there are more weeks below average, than above average.  I am working to change that.  I am slowly improving my world.  What is one small thing I can do to make my space a little friendlier today?  I do not think about it every day… but many.

Today I am doing laundry, and mapping out the project of finishing the lighting in may Painting Room.  Small things… I will lay out a small project that will simplify the junk on my Hobby Bench  — that will clear some space I need to working.

Then I will try to finish up the hull of the HMS Elizabeth.  At least I want it to be ready for priming. 

That will be a lot to do for today.  A Chore… Planning and Prep… Hobbying.  That makes for a nice combination.  One good day at a time!

This runs into trouble if I start to get mentally overloaded… which is happening much more easily these days.  Even simple things send my mind into retreat.  Decisions elude me.  I hit walls at every turn.  So I am simplifying… everything!

Go Slow…

I Have Intellectual Conversations With My Cats…

Of course… they do not respond… or seem deep in thought… or close to a solution… they mostly have trouble keeping their eyes open.  But their company is every bit as much appreciated!  They add just as much to my life.

In my efforts to build up my life at home, I am pulling back some from social contact – I know… how could I pull back any more than I already have been?  Deleting Facebook is a first step.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and conversing with them.

This is mostly an internal thing… it is about what I am thinking about.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and how they will respond.   I can put some things out of my mind.  It’s a start.

Crazy is as Crazy Does

I do not react to many things in a “normal” way.  Many would say I over-react.  I am not seeing it that way.  To me, my reactions are completely normal.  But then… I am crazy.

I am just normal enough to pass… most of the time.  I do not notice when I slip out of the normal range, and other people take notice.  They were not paying attention to the little weird things I do… they was “Oh that is just Neil”.  So they see me as being unpredictable.

I don’t feel unpredictable.  My actions seem completely normal, and predicable to me.  So I tend to be caught off-guard by people’s reactions.  Didn’t they see that coming??

When you perceive the world in a different way, it is very difficult to know what should be the correct response.  To me, it all fits together.

So when I do react in a crazy way, I am totally surprised by what people do – that was not predicable to me at all.  Then I get thrown completely off, and it can lead to even more unusual behavior on my part.  I am not sure if anyone really gets this.  They expect me to be crazy, but they do not see, or understand, the depth of it.

This has lead to more isolation.  People don’t know how to react to me, and I do not understand their lack of reaction.  I end up alone.  That is the nature of the things…

I can not change how I react because it seems totally normal to me.  How can I know to not do something, when it seems the most normal reaction to the situation?  It never occurs to me that I should do anything else.  And it is hard to learn from events when I feel like I have been wronged.

Surrounded By People Who Do Not Understand

I live in a world outside of yours.  I can not explain what happens in my brain because people don’t get it.  They try to talk me out of it; or convince me to try something else; or any of a number of things that simply show they simple do not understand.

My brain does not work thru things the same way… It’s as if when there is a dog, I see a horse.  I can explain that it’s a horse… I might even know it is not what it looks like.  But no amount of discussion will make me see a dog.  It’s just not going to happen.

What to do?  I don’t know.  Maybe just let me see the damn horse!  I’m not going to try to ride it.  But I have to live with the fact that I see a horse!

Okay… not a great analogy.  But you can not talk someone out of being mentally ill.

People get angry with me because I get so very frustrated that I can not get anyone to understand – except people who already understand because they live there too.  I have lived a life of mind numbing loneliness, and all people want to do is convince me it’s not so bad… or if I try a little harder, and things will be okay.

I live in Hell, and others get upset because I am not treating them fairly!  Only one person in my live has ever treated me as if the way I think is okay – my mother.  And it took us a very long time for us to get to that point.

People think I am slighting them… or ignoring their needs… or that I don’t care.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  But they are clueless about my needs, and belittle them when I bring them up.

Just remember… I am stuck inside me ALL THE TIME!!!