Tag Archives: mentally ill

Non-Traveling Guy

My travel has gradually diminished to nothing. There is no-one to encourage me to go. I am on my own in figuring out how to work past my fears… phobias. Even remaining people close, have given up trying. I will not be trying.

Putting effort into travel is virtually guaranteed to be lost effort. And one more failure. I can’t do much by myself. I will only put energy into things here at home.

That has been the de-facto situation for a couple of years at least. But has been recently confirmed. I need to move on.

Depression

I am amazed at how people do not understand Depression. Lori gets mad at me if my depression interferes with plans. After 25 years, she still gets mad when my depression hurts our plans. It is pervasive, and constantly damaging to our relationship. But it is what it is.

When I am depressed, I am totally on my own. No-one does anything to make it easier.

If Lori does not understand why I am depressed, then I can just disappear into my office. I can tell when Lori is mad at some bad behavior of mine. I can even hear the greater impact of her feet on the floor… stairs in particular. I understand why she is angry. She is a normal human being. But she does not understand how I react, let alone why I react in strange ways. So she gets angry at me. almost every time.

I have learned to deal with things on my own. Depression lasts a lot longer, and takes more of a toll, but I can get thru it on my own. I have for 55 years… since my first memorable panic attack.

Mentally ill people spend a lot of time and energy trying to adjust to the behaviors of even our closest friends. I do not understand you every bit as much as you do not understand me… stop getting angry. I have tried anger, and it does not help. Try to image a different reality. Give us a break.

It has always been my experience, that when I, and other mentally ill people, need help the most, is exactly when people pull away the most…

Is It Abuse?

Is it abuse if my wife uses a known mental illness weakness of mine as a way to make a point, and/or punish me?

The issue is the anxiety I get from not know what is going on, when it directly affects me. I can overload and crash from it easily.

My wife does not like having to keep me informed of her plans. Including, not going to be home for a week. So she withholds informing from me.

Here is current the issue: I have been writing a book for about a year. I have struggled a lot with it. One problem I have consistently have mentioned is that I don’t have someone to read it – Lori knows me too well. Lori is away this weekend with her friends at a resort. I had mentioned that I might print a part of my book for all of them to read. I chickened out.

But… early the first of their 3 days, I emailed her a copy. Almost 24 hours later, even though we had exchanged email on other subjects, she never mentioned my book.

I think that is the kind of thing most people would respond to. You know… an email about getting it? Especially one that gives irrevocable permission for her to share with those friends? Wouldn’t most people say something??

She does not tell me – I think – to prove she shouldn’t have to, and to punish me. I think she is using a known mental illness issue I have, to punish me. What is that called again?

NOTE:  When I told Lori it was upsetting she had not emailed, she literally said… “I thought we were past that.”  She thinks I should just change, if I see the problem in hindsight.  It is a common issue.  Did I mention she has a Master’s in Experimental Phycology?

I Have SiBS

Star is Born Syndrome.
And how to get out of it.

I used to be a teacher.  I was liked, and even admired, by students and faculty.  I was trusted, and influential.  I had built my own home to my needs, and was well known in the community… having gone to city council meetings.  I had friends, and family.  I had been president of the teacher’s union.  All of that and more.

Now I live in virtual isolation… dependent on my loving, successful, liked, and admired wife, financially and otherwise.  No friends or family.  No one knows what my opinions are, and no-one cares.  People don’t trust me.

This was a thot I just wrote down this morning. My “Run Away” approach to life has not worked out as well as I had planned. The last several months I have been trying to build a foundation for getting out to have lunch with a friend… or such. Over the years, I made a lot of different attempt to meet, and develop friends. It never worked out.

Now… I am not sure which way to go. I no longer have confidence in my understanding of what others want, or how they think, or feel. I am flying blind.

My foundation is my confidence in my ability to disappear. I would like it to be confidence in my ability to keep trying, and take more chances. I should be able to do that. That word “should” again.

My meds are stable, and very consistent… even if one requires going out. I know what happens without them. Was that 2 years ago?? It was not good.

There is not going to be a better time to start. I will be writing about how this is going.

Irrational R Us

Learning to worry about every single little decision – which I already do – because it might be wrong, feeds my anxiety… there is literally no way I can be sure I am being rational. Do you have any idea how that feels? To know that no matter how careful, and thought out, you still may be completely wrong??

It is not a confidence builder.

And they wonder why I drop of Facebook. I can never know if I am saying an acceptable thing, let alone the right thing. I worry about each post so much; I almost always think about deleting them. So I run away. I can’t say the wrong thing of Facebook if I stay off. I can’t hurt anyone’s feelings if I am not there.

I have a degree in Math… and I can say, there is a pattern there. Who knows… it could even lead to total isolation for fear of offending. I’m not an expert… though I sort of am. I’m just an expert at the other side. I can describe what things are like over here… but seeing from your view is a bit tough.

Making “Rational” Choices

Apparently, this is more difficult than it looks.

When people expect me to make rational decisions… and I can’t… then they expect me to make rational decisions… and I can’t… it goes on and on. It is not going to happen folks. People want me to be normal. So they treat me as if I am… But why is the irrational guy, being asked to make the rational decisions? And I am punished when I don’t get it right.

I understand reality exists. But, I do not need to be reminded that we “probably” won’t end up going… every time we talk about a trip to Alaska. I think it is second nature for most people… they point it out. The rational thing, would be to just accept it as a possibility, and move on. Ya… not so much for us irrationals. People need to understand; the problem is I can not learn to do certain things. I have to find ways around them.

I can view a 3-D exploded view of an older Honda engine. I could tell you where every part went… I just zoom in on the image. Can you do that? Can you learn to do that?? Can you imagine a real hypercube?? I can. You can not learn that. I would not expect you to. there are things my brain can not do. Stop expecting me to figure it out.

But all that aside… let the irrational guy figure it out.

BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder

Apparently, I am that too. BPD, autism, anxiety, depression, OCD, phobias… is there an end to this list? I know I am leaving off several important names. But this one was just added. J

There are a lot on names for mental illness… the names are mostly for the Nones… people with no mental illness. Nones like to put names on things. Even when they have no idea what the names mean. They are just words. Having something to call it, seems to make it easier for them.

All that aside… when we are talking to Nones, the names help us explain things. They can look those up on the Internet. They might be able to get some kind of understanding, and possible connection. And I am still the same. The names don’t change what I am, or what I have to deal with. Who knows… maybe the names will help me too. But I don’t think so.

Nones live in a different world. Most of them have some kind of little mental tweak. Usually it just comes up as something that irritates their family and friends. They will live their lives in ignorance of anything being amiss. Oh those Nones… they can be a laugh riot!

 

WOW… I just noticed there are people in the foreground of my banner photo.  The subject drowned them out.  In case you do not recognize it, it is the entrance to Auschwitz.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auschwitz_concentration_camp

Writing Used to be Easy…

If you look back thru my Blogs… keep going. Once you get back a couple of years, there is some good stuff.

Self-Motivation is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s all I can do, to keep myself going during the day. I can not fight all the doubts and fears at the same time. There is a point where I suddenly hit the wall. Suddenly, I can’t go on… time for bed. I hate it when that happens. I am helpless to stop it. I can’t even read in bed… the day is done.

Sometimes I last all day! Sometimes my mind crashes out after 8 or 9 hours. I hate it. But I have to go along. Fighting it just delays the inevitable, and is miserable time anyway. So I try to sleep… or half-sleep.

Finding the right thing to watch, or listen to is critical. Couple hours of TV… a few hours of music… and back. But either can bring on a crash, if I can not decide what the right thing is. It has to have to correct feel… it has to bring up the correct emotions, and feels. As previously noted, my brain has an issue with the flow of emotions. I can’t not feel things. So it is important for me to have the correct environment.

It can take me hours to find just the right thing… or I crash out. Those are the options.

My surrounds can make or break my day… week. I watch things I have seen, and listen to music I have listened to for 40 years. It is difficult to watch something new. There are far too many unknowns. That can make it difficult for Lori and I to agree on what to watch. Marx Brothers? And it does not matter how repetitious it is… I only half pay attention anyway. It is all about the emotional atmosphere it creates.

Writing has not fit in very well to all this.

And So It Was…

This has got worse. That is partly why it has been so difficult to write – or do anything. But next week will be the 25th anniversary of our first date, and we are now emotionally separated. It is a hollow relationship. I think we still like each other… and share a few interests.

I suppose it is all the fault of my various mental issues. At least that is the obvious explanation. I don’t have family, and I don’t have friends. Except you guys!

This is a difficult time… my hands are shaking. Try to be supportive?

Does anyone write actual letters anymore?

I Am Afraid of Dogs

This is particularly strange since I grew up around cats and dogs. But I do not trust dogs. I can not predict how they will behave. Cats, I get. They are quite predictable actually. That is probably because they don’t care how I feel about their behavior. Until I shout!

But… why did I become afraid of them? I am seriously disturbed by dogs… especially if they are free. For a while, I even sometimes carried a pistol to protect myself from dogs. The gun is basically useless against humans, except as a noise maker. But with a dog, I don’t have to wait for it to get too close if it charges.

THAT is how far this phobia advanced. I no longer carry the gun… and yes, I did have a carry permit.

Back to the issue at hand…

Where did this fear come from??

I used to free-climb cliffs in the Olympic National Park… now I am deathly afraid of heights. Where did I get that? It does not make sense to me. But I can NOT walk across a bridge, unless I would be ok if I fell off it. The Deception Pass bridge in Washington is a great example. I had to sit down half way across, and lock my arms around the railing. I can not even watch a TV shot that looks down.

Thinking and writing about it now is greatly increasing my anxiety. Why??

These are things I grew up with! Now I can barely walk down the street.

I used to drive all over the Northwest, and parts of British Columbia, by myself. I slept in the back of my 1967 Datsun PL 411. Beige. I bought it from my Mom. Today… traveling is very problematic. I panic out at the last minute too often – once is too often.

What the Hell???

So much deterioration. Especially over the last five years or so, my abilities have diminished. I like what I can do, but I do wonder what I am missing.

Overall, I am fine with where my life is, and I just want to get better at doing these things. Maybe I will get back to where I was.

2017… Already?

No… I am not ready… even 10 days in.

How many times a day do you have to stop, and tell yourself `things are ok’? It gets tiring to almost constantly reassure myself. ‘Keep going… everything is ok’… I say to myself. ‘You’re ok”… on and on.

So it does not come as a surprise that I can not get much done. I spend much of my time trying to figure out what I can do, and what I care enough about. Some days I do not get anything done… some days I just can not get going.

Today, I will try to do a couple of things for myself… of course, there is a lot more to be done around the house, but sometimes I want to have fun… I want to enjoy my time. But I have to work too hard most days. It becomes overwhelming, and I often go to bed early. I am sleeping away my life.

Nothing seems to matter. It does not matter what I do, if I have no-one to share it with. I really do not know what to make of it all. Some days I do okay, and some days I sleep 18 hours. I really do hate it, but I get so tired of fighting. And there are few rewards for being successful. It just means I will have to do it all again tomorrow. Mondays are the worst – it reminds me of a whole week lost. They add up to years lost.

I guess I am not doing so well today. I will keep trying… what else could I do? Or… today may turn out to be a good day. There is no knowing. My moods can turn quickly when something goes wrong. And let’s face it, things go wrong. If only things going right would have as great an affect.

I seem to be not very positive today. it happens.

It’s About Time…

It’s about Space, about two men in a crazy place. This’s the tale of their great cruse… and thru the barrier of time they flew… SING ALONG!!! Really… no-one?

Time wounds all heals… it also heals all wounds. Here I am at 61 and still trying… still communicating… and still working at figgerin’ out what the hell is going on!

“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken.”
Oliver Cromwell

Literally the best words to live by I have ever read. You might be wrong about how bad things are… just as they are wrong about you. You also might be wrong about how right you are… or not. They are equally possible.

Never give up.

There are always ups and downs. And it may at times seem like the ups aren’t as good. Maybe they aren’t… but maybe they just seem so because they are different. Different scares me. So there could be a bias. Maybe the ups are better, but they be completely from a new direction. Look for those highs that take a bit to recognize. It may just be in a form you never expected.

Things are a lot more like they used to be, than they are today.

Three Kinds of Everything

Three kinds of Friends

Friends whose intentions, I understand.

Friends whose intentions I am confused about.

Friends whose intentions I consistently get wrong.    These all tend to overlap.

Why I get them wrong so consistently is a mystery to me. It is as if my brain were wired to make that kind of wrong decision. Or it actually is that my brain is wired to make that kind of wrong decision. At the moment, I can not see a difference. It is just a distinction.

It is also an interesting conundrum.

I am consistently mystified by how people react to things. Most of the time, I know pretty well how people are going to react… until they actually do. Then I am mystified. The only reasons I can see for the error are… negative. And they are almost always reasonably logical… to a point…

But I am even more flustered by my inability to understand who to trust. Nice… huh?

Ultimately, it may not mean anything. Or it could have the golden key to success. Mostly likely, it is somewhere in between… near the middle. But it remains totally unpredictable to me. I may have mentioned, Lori will explain what I did wrong, and I get it… but it still does not make sense. I would still react the same way – wouldn’t everyone? I feel my reactions are every bit as reasonable as everyone else’s… at least so. Perhaps. Right?

At least in this case. Maybe that is advice for next time?… 😉

Did I mention, I can not tell who is which kind of friend? And it can change?? Quickly???

And no-one will understand what the hell is going on. People tend to drift away. And that is totally Normal for them to do! It is rare that I have ever thought the other person responsible. I know I messed up, I just can’t understand how, or why!

There are 3 kinds of people…

People who can count, and people who can’t.

Voices from the Past

I read a poem this morning about losing friends… Anonymously Autistic.

It started me thinking… it does not take much to start me thinking. I lost my friends in the 1970-80’s. For a long time after that, I was working so much, it did not seem to matter. Then I had to retire early because my brain was not cooperating enough. Then I discovered I had not actually made any friends in my many years there. They were all gone in an instant.

Try hard to keep friends, but some people can never understand… and some people will not ever understand. It is sometimes difficult to tell them about. But let them go, and hug your friends.

I don’t get angry about it… I always felt guilty about what happened. After all, it was probably my fault. I am not always an easy person to be around ← under-statement. Being alone is difficult at times. I have some great memories, and I try to hold on to those. But it is not the same.

Keep your friends close. Let them into your life. Try to share your inner feelings. There will be some friends that will stick by you thru it all. Look for those people. They are probably right in front of you.

One thing I have learned… once they are gone… that is it. There is no point trying to get back lost friends. They may even see that as being even worse! Leave them alone. Move to the people close, that will always be there for you. There are people that will be always close.

Why Bother?

Why do I bother writing?

It used to be helpful… it helped me figure things out. I don’t write much anymore… I cry instead.

There is no-one to write to. Nothing to write about. Nothing ever changes, so all I can do I write the same things over and over. What I say does not matter anymore. I was a teacher… but there is nothing left to teach, and nothing to learn.

This is my life. I struggle to get up in the morning. I fight to keep going thru tears and desperation. Sometimes I eat, sometimes not. I try to watch something to distract me, but it doesn’t always work. There is nothing worth doing. Only my kitties keep me going.

I live in an almost constant state a despair. Constantly trying to find a way out. There is no way out.

Every day is the same. Every Monday I see another week has slipped thru my fingers. One week less time to find a solution. There is none.