Tag Archives: aspergers

It’s About Time…

It’s about Space, about two men in a crazy place. This’s the tale of their great cruse… and thru the barrier of time they flew… SING ALONG!!! Really… no-one?

Time wounds all heals… it also heals all wounds. Here I am at 61 and still trying… still communicating… and still working at figgerin’ out what the hell is going on!

“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken.”
Oliver Cromwell

Literally the best words to live by I have ever read. You might be wrong about how bad things are… just as they are wrong about you. You also might be wrong about how right you are… or not. They are equally possible.

Never give up.

There are always ups and downs. And it may at times seem like the ups aren’t as good. Maybe they aren’t… but maybe they just seem so because they are different. Different scares me. So there could be a bias. Maybe the ups are better, but they be completely from a new direction. Look for those highs that take a bit to recognize. It may just be in a form you never expected.

Things are a lot more like they used to be, than they are today.

Three Kinds of Everything

Three kinds of Friends

Friends whose intentions, I understand.

Friends whose intentions I am confused about.

Friends whose intentions I consistently get wrong.    These all tend to overlap.

Why I get them wrong so consistently is a mystery to me. It is as if my brain were wired to make that kind of wrong decision. Or it actually is that my brain is wired to make that kind of wrong decision. At the moment, I can not see a difference. It is just a distinction.

It is also an interesting conundrum.

I am consistently mystified by how people react to things. Most of the time, I know pretty well how people are going to react… until they actually do. Then I am mystified. The only reasons I can see for the error are… negative. And they are almost always reasonably logical… to a point…

But I am even more flustered by my inability to understand who to trust. Nice… huh?

Ultimately, it may not mean anything. Or it could have the golden key to success. Mostly likely, it is somewhere in between… near the middle. But it remains totally unpredictable to me. I may have mentioned, Lori will explain what I did wrong, and I get it… but it still does not make sense. I would still react the same way – wouldn’t everyone? I feel my reactions are every bit as reasonable as everyone else’s… at least so. Perhaps. Right?

At least in this case. Maybe that is advice for next time?… 😉

Did I mention, I can not tell who is which kind of friend? And it can change?? Quickly???

And no-one will understand what the hell is going on. People tend to drift away. And that is totally Normal for them to do! It is rare that I have ever thought the other person responsible. I know I messed up, I just can’t understand how, or why!

There are 3 kinds of people…

People who can count, and people who can’t.

Voices from the Past

I read a poem this morning about losing friends… Anonymously Autistic.

It started me thinking… it does not take much to start me thinking. I lost my friends in the 1970-80’s. For a long time after that, I was working so much, it did not seem to matter. Then I had to retire early because my brain was not cooperating enough. Then I discovered I had not actually made any friends in my many years there. They were all gone in an instant.

Try hard to keep friends, but some people can never understand… and some people will not ever understand. It is sometimes difficult to tell them about. But let them go, and hug your friends.

I don’t get angry about it… I always felt guilty about what happened. After all, it was probably my fault. I am not always an easy person to be around ← under-statement. Being alone is difficult at times. I have some great memories, and I try to hold on to those. But it is not the same.

Keep your friends close. Let them into your life. Try to share your inner feelings. There will be some friends that will stick by you thru it all. Look for those people. They are probably right in front of you.

One thing I have learned… once they are gone… that is it. There is no point trying to get back lost friends. They may even see that as being even worse! Leave them alone. Move to the people close, that will always be there for you. There are people that will be always close.

Where to Start…

Let’s see… diagnosed by psychologists, and a psychiatrist.

I am somewhere on the Autism spectrum… with symptoms of Asperger’s, in particular I have trouble recognizing people’s emotions. I obsess on tiny topics. I get locked into thought patterns. And I can not always control where that goes.

I also can not deal with unexpected changes. Everything requires so much planning, that changes are a threat. Going out to a place I am comfortable with, takes at least a day of planning.

My Anxiety is usually under control. Two prescriptions (one max dose, one 2x-max dose), pot, and caffeine help, but I still struggle every day. There are periods of uncertainty.

Depression is always near. I can often feel it coming on… lurking…

I have a few Phobias… agoraphobia, and atychiphobia being the most prominent. But I can not compete with Monk.

My brain goes off on tangents resolving all sorts of things – I design a solution for problems I see. I can not, not do it. Even when there is no need. And it can literally bring my mind to a standstill. I can not think anything. Lori has seen it all too many times. It happens every day.

Physically, I am in pretty good shape… other than many joint issues. I lost 40 pounds a few years back, and have kept if off. So not many concerns here. J

I am very good with cats!

61 years and counting… 1st panic attack in 1963… 2nd grade.

Why Bother?

Why do I bother writing?

It used to be helpful… it helped me figure things out. I don’t write much anymore… I cry instead.

There is no-one to write to. Nothing to write about. Nothing ever changes, so all I can do I write the same things over and over. What I say does not matter anymore. I was a teacher… but there is nothing left to teach, and nothing to learn.

This is my life. I struggle to get up in the morning. I fight to keep going thru tears and desperation. Sometimes I eat, sometimes not. I try to watch something to distract me, but it doesn’t always work. There is nothing worth doing. Only my kitties keep me going.

I live in an almost constant state a despair. Constantly trying to find a way out. There is no way out.

Every day is the same. Every Monday I see another week has slipped thru my fingers. One week less time to find a solution. There is none.