Tag Archives: depression

Respect

Command respect, don’t Demand respect.

I believe, when I was a teacher, I earned the respect of students. I tried to treat them like adult human beings – when possible. I tried to always hear their thoughts.

That respect is a very nice memory.

Respect faded away as my mental state changed. And I don’t blame anyone for it. I am confident, I would be at least incline to do the same thing… if not for the fact that I know what it is like to feel my mind slipping away. I am on this side now. Some of you know what I mean. Some of you have learned to understand it… even predict it better than I. But there are few of them.

Also… some of you know what I mean because you live it too. No matter how you are different, the result is almost always the same – you are going to end up in a very small circle. More on that later.

The problem I have on Facebook is that I do not have any friends outside FB. Most people have a foundation of friends who will share Facebook with then on that basis… friends. You can not start with FB. You have no support base to make sure you have some good threads going.

What’s that like? Actually I know. When I was first on FB, I had that basis of friends as well.

That was 5 plus years ago. It may not seem like a long time, but it has been a tough 5 years. There were a few times I actually got within days of meeting someone for beers… in each case those people will not even respond to a friend request. My brain does not always process information in the correct way.

The first step of talking about your own mental issues, is getting others to even see it is real. It is not just a behavior flaw. It is not an obsession. It is a mental process flaw. I use the word “flaw” reluctantly. Who is really to say to whom the flaw belongs? Cats can not taste sweet. Is that a flaw?? There are clearly advantages to it.

But alas, I digress…

How do I find Real-World friends without any social contact except FB? No wonder it does not work for me. I need to build respect, but I can not even stay around long enough to make any difference.

Where to Start…

Let’s see… diagnosed by psychologists, and a psychiatrist.

I am somewhere on the Autism spectrum… with symptoms of Asperger’s, in particular I have trouble recognizing people’s emotions. I obsess on tiny topics. I get locked into thought patterns. And I can not always control where that goes.

I also can not deal with unexpected changes. Everything requires so much planning, that changes are a threat. Going out to a place I am comfortable with, takes at least a day of planning.

My Anxiety is usually under control. Two prescriptions (one max dose, one 2x-max dose), pot, and caffeine help, but I still struggle every day. There are periods of uncertainty.

Depression is always near. I can often feel it coming on… lurking…

I have a few Phobias… agoraphobia, and atychiphobia being the most prominent. But I can not compete with Monk.

My brain goes off on tangents resolving all sorts of things – I design a solution for problems I see. I can not, not do it. Even when there is no need. And it can literally bring my mind to a standstill. I can not think anything. Lori has seen it all too many times. It happens every day.

Physically, I am in pretty good shape… other than many joint issues. I lost 40 pounds a few years back, and have kept if off. So not many concerns here. J

I am very good with cats!

61 years and counting… 1st panic attack in 1963… 2nd grade.

The Brakes Are Locked!

Inside, there are more forces holding me back from doing things, than pushing me to do more. It is made more difficult by not having others to talk to about things. Lori can do only so much. Isolation is not a solution to anything. And it saps away any incentive to do more.

One might think the accomplishment of doing things would be enough… one would be wrong. Most of my little accomplishments feel empty. There is no-one to share any of it with. I am trying to learn to do things just for me… privately. Most of the time, it works out just fine. Then I hit the Wall.

The Wall is an obnoxious period of time from about 1pm to as late as 5pm, when I tend to crash.

I get up about 3am – on good days – so approaching 12 hours, my motivation seems to all flow away. “Why stay up?”, becomes the only question. And all too often, I give in, and go to bed early… for 12 hours of “sleep”. One result is that I sleep too much. Sometimes I can’t tell if I am tired, or if my brain is giving out. I have no idea when I should go to bed, and when I should get up. Am I rested?

The more I do, the better I am. So I keep after it. Eventually, starting, and overcoming obstacles, becomes too much of a struggle.

Overall, I am getting better. But it is hard to see. And I have been fighting it for so long. There are decades lost. And I fear things will not get much better.

But I keep going.

So… What Next?

I have written some blogs describing my situation. And of course there is going to be more on that later, but for now it is time to ask what next?

I am getting more comfortable in my life at home. Things feel more like they should… it is hard to describe what I mean, suffice it to say it just feels more like home.

There has been improvement in ability to do things. Including writing these blogs. I am feeling like there is not as much anxiety blocking me from doing things as there was three months ago. After a couple of months on my right prescriptions I now feel ready to push myself a little more to try to get more things done. Then I think I can be successful about it.

Right now, those activities here at home are the center of my focus. I want to start having more fun. I have begun shooting 10 m air rifle, and it has a lot of the same characteristics as archery. I like the intense concentration of it. Learning and repeating the same steps over and over. It is giving me a new direction – or rather an old direction renewed – for my thoughts. It is relaxing, in that all other thoughts have to get pushed aside. You just have to concentrate on one thing.

So right there is something new that I am doing here at home.

My long-range goal from this, is to build up enough confidence to have visitors, and eventually to make it easier for me to go out. It is a very long process and has had many stops and starts along the way. But overall I think I am making some progress, even while I feel like I know less about what is going on around me.

Capitulation

I can not relate to anyone.

My latest indulgence in Facebook, has shown me that I have absolutely no confidence in my ability to understand people. I am constantly confused by the simplest comments. And I do realize this will mean even fewer people will respond from fear of saying the wrong thing. I don’t know what to tell you about that.

It is not that they are saying the wrong thing… it’s that I have no idea how to interpret anything from other people. Facebook is too sporadic. People come and go… there is no way of knowing what is going on. Of course, these are thoughts running amok thru my brain. There is just too much anxiety there for me.

P.S. I know I left a few of you out, in the apologies, but I still mean it.

New Things? Or Missed?

Every thought of mine, includes the potential there is something new, I don’t know … or something I have missed. I have these loop-around thoughts that keep rechecking everything I have written… everything I do. It’s an OC thing. Sometimes the re-evaluation runs rampant, and completely overwhelms me.

But then… there are those times when it leads me to new knowledge about myself. It’s not like a light bulb coming on… it takes a while to sink in. I have to look all around it. I have to understand what it means. And if I can do anything about it… sometimes it’s just not that big a deal. So what if the volume is always at an even number. It does not diminish my life. I will not spend time or effort trying to extinguish it.

Sometimes… it turns out to be very important. These can build up, to create new opportunities for me… even if small. Over time, I have found how to avoid things, or the outcome of those things… other than just avoidance. I’m back here aren’t I?

The process has been very slow. I have made a lot of mistakes along the way that have hurt my chances. But I really have got better!

I still lack the motivation to do things. Many days, I do very little. My motivation has gradually slipped away over the years. I haven’t got very far on this one. I think I am better … but I am nowhere near satisfied.

Soooo…I keep paying attention to those little things, and looking for what I may have missed… or what might be new. It is my own little spiral curriculum!

Inner Workings

I have spent a lot of time (don’t ask) thinking about where the boundary is… where do things fall from reality, to an unknown. At some point, my brain diverts from the Norm, and stops seeing things as they are. Where is that? Where does that happen?

In trying to find it, I am looking for some kind of Identifier… some little blip that might give me advance warning of what is ahead. I can’t imagine how such a thing could exist… how could I possible see something coming from inside? Let alone finding a tweak that could avoid it… There is a sort of built in ignorance to it.

But I look at the mechanizations of it all, and try to find a pattern. I see multidimensional structures, sometimes almost the entire house of cards. Seeing the cards is hard enough… building them up into something recognizable is ridiculously complex. Then comes finding a way to hold it there… to make it stay standing. Impervious. Indestructible. Strong enough to give me freedom, and equality to interact with the world. But alas……

My brain is constantly trying to understand how to communicate correctly with human beings. And so far, it is not going very well. J

Should I move to Elnor?

Facebook Tribulations

I have been on and off Facebook so many times the last few years, I have lost count. I took an occasional Facebreak, but I first got blown off in December 2013. I was pleading for help from people I thought were friends, and one I most trusted told me basically to shut-up.

I was blown away. I did not understand what was happening. I still don’t totally. But I have been unsuccessful at staying back on FB ever since. There is more to fear, than to gain. I am on right now, but I don’t visit often… mostly just to post about a new Blog.

I enjoyed the banter… but that aspect is gone now. Most people I was FB friends with back in better times, won’t respond to friend requests the last time I tried – in June. This time I have sent out few requests… though I was surprised at not hearing back from some.

There have been a few friends that have always come back. that makes me smile. J

Even so, it is not the same…

That was, and still probably is, the only avenue I have for human interaction. The Blog is mostly one-way. So I have come back to try FB from time to time. It just never feels safe, or right anymore.

It is self-perpetuating… the more I go on and off, the fewer people show any interest. That makes sense to me. They are tired of dealing with it – so am I. Maybe that’s it… I don’t know. But whatever it is, Facebook draws me like a fly to a lamp. I try again…

A Test in Reality

I understand the process that makes my brain go in such interesting directions. But I can not predict it… I can not see it happening… I can not even see it in hind sight. If you think you saw a green car, no amount of inner thought can change it. Only further examination could determine it was actually blue. Only when it is pointed out to me, can I see there was perhaps a mistake.

I say “perhaps” because it will always seem to me as if I did the correct thing the first time. Intellectually, I see that it was indeed in error. There is no dissonance here because there seems to be no connection between the two. I know how I felt, and I know what probably happened… they feel like two entirely different events. So I can live with both perceptions.

Perception is not reality.

Knowing all this is nice, but doesn’t do anything to help. Since I know I can not always trust my reactions and I will still react as I do, I am left walking a mine field. And the mines are very interesting, because I don’t even notice the explosion. Everyone else will probably think the booming blast, and shrapnel are pretty obvious… while I think all is as it should be.

Any time I try to be social, I start setting off mines… walking along not noticing anything wrong, I don’t see the rubble building up behind me. By the time I put the pieces together, the damage is long since past. There is nothing to be done for it.

So I have no social life. And I get extremely anxious when I have to be around people… especially people I do not know. And since my brain does not work properly, do I really know anyone???

Brain Overload…

The last couple of days has been trying. Tuesday I had a “mental evaluation” appointment in the morning that did not end well. I had a bit of a public melt-down in the lobby… standing there, shaking, and crying, trying to talk to an administrator (or whomever she was)… I could not control myself, and I finally had to leave. I do not actually know how the “evaluation” ended. Officially anyway.

I then had to run an errand taking me to Salem, and then, thru back-roads home, because northbound I-5 was backed up 5 miles! Things did not go much better the rest of the day… oh yes… and there was an election. I crashed out completely in the late afternoon.

Yesterday I was stunned… I felt blank. My brain seemed to be moving very slowly. I got up about 1am upon learning the results of the election. Even though I saw him as the nominee, and possible winner over a year ago, preparing myself for this result was still not enough.

Today… I don’t know.

I am slowly reaching out again. My meds were cut in half back in April, and not restored until September. I am feel much better now. The psychologist Tuesday asked me how many anxiety attacks I have… I said, “So far this hour? 5.” Three or four per hour is about average… and that’s with all my meds. The session went sideways when she also suggested she might recommend reducing my meds unless… Well… let’s just say an out-of-left-field demand that really has nothing to do with my mental issues.

So again, I am going to have to talk with my regular Dr. and make sure he ignores that part of my “evaluation”. We can’t go thru the reduced meds again. It makes both our lives much worse.

I no longer have any confidence in doctors. They always put policy, and their own needs ahead of the patient. At least that has been my experience when it comes to mental health issues.

Socializing is almost impossible. My brain does not interpret people’s emotions properly. I can not recognize things as “neutral”. Even an “ok” will be interpreted as a potential threat, trigger a fight-or-flight response, and send my anxiety shooting up. That’s when I make mistakes. Whereas, my reaction may be appropriate if someone really was threatening me, it’s not so good if they meant nothing at all.

Unfortunately, “no response” does the same thing. When people don’t respond, my brain goes thru the same process. My mind runs thru all sorts of threatening scenarios. You would not believe some for the thots I have. But I can not control them, because I have to respond to the threat… right?

Then I end up alone again. I have been doing it most of my life… with absolutely no way I could ever recognize what was actually happening. Even today, I only learn of my mistakes when Lori explains them to me. Even then… I accept what she is saying even though it does not seem true. I know I would still react the same way under the same circumstances. I would still make the same mistakes.

And I will always make the same mistakes… so everyone is better off with me hiding here in my office.

I Guess that was Wrong

I guess I should not have said that… I am told it will make things worse.

I seem pretty good at finding what makes things worse, but no-one seems to know what I should say. I makes me feel there is nothing I can say. That I have to get used to this life. I should be used to it by now… you’d think.

What should I do? I have problems recognizing threats. My brain interprets anything neutral – like no response at all – as a potential threat. When I don’t hear back, or the response is neutral – like “OK” – my brain signals to prepare for “fight-or-flight”. I feel this horrible fear something is wrong. Did I say something wrong? Are they mad at me? I can’t identify what it is, so fear takes over. sometimes I strike out at things… sometimes I vanish into the woodwork. Think Facebook.

All those reactions make things worse. But I can not see it happening. Lori will point it out after, and I can see her point. But I still feel the same… I would still react the same way. It is not possible for me to see it happening. Later I can always see I have made things worse, but I do not understand why. It’s not easy realizing my own emotions are wrong.

People’s reactions don’t make any sense to me. I do not understand what is happening… fight or flight.

That has always lead me to end up alone. Lori can do only so much. I can’t only talk to one person – but I have not had a conversation with anyone in years. Not more than talking to a store clerk, or the UPS person.

Give me credit for trying. I keep trying. Nothing is easy. I have to recover many times each day… depression and/or anxiety can take over my brain at any time. Dozens of times a day, I have to stop myself, and calm down. I say “It’s okay”… “Calm down”… “Keep going”… and other words of self-encouragement, to myself. It either works, or I crash out.

Mini-crashes are bad… But I do try again… and again. Why? What did Einstein say about doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result?

PS Thanks for the nice comments N.

The Long Slow Road

I am in transition.

I have spent my whole life in almost total fear that I would end up alone. And I usually have been alone. And I do not mean “by myself” – I mean no-one in my life other than Lori.

It is okay… this is where I belong. Over the last year+, I have gradually been pulling away into my whole world. I was on and off Facebook, but never felt the comfort there that I had for years before. It just doesn’t seem to fit into my life just now.

Home is what matters, and that is where I should stay. There are things I can do, and even places I can go. They know me at Nana’s Pub! Do I need more?

This last week, I struggled with a lot of depression. I had too many of those days when I was trying to sleep way too much.

But I am much better now.

I have been meditating and letting my thoughts free-flow. I can relax, and I can adapt. I actually have been adapting to this result for most of my life… I just wasn’t willing to pay attention. Now I am. Now I see the only path ahead.

There can be happiness in my life. I will be 60 in a few months, so it is about time I accept my limitations, and that they mean I can not have close friendships in my life.

I am finally OK with that.

Though… it May Not Seem Like It

It does not always feel, or even seem like things are getting better. I tell myself things are better… sometimes Lori says I am doing better. I never know.

Fridays are usually bad – I am faced with a weekend, and the possibility of getting more things done. It rarely works out, and I do know that. So I am fighting the desire to pack it in, and give up on any plans. That is by far the easiest solution.

Is it obvious that it’s not the right solution? Obvious or not, it is the path of least resistance. We are like water, and electricity… we follow the path of least resistance. Except that we are supposed to have free will. Whatever that is.

I will go to bed early, and try to sleep thru the night. There will be nightmares – like last night. The more stress, the more nightmares there are. They may just be dreams, but they take all will out of me.

We do get better… it just doesn’t always feel like it.

“We get better.”

 

Things have not gone well.

But – I still think and feel that things are getting better. And that things will continue to get better over the foreseeable future.

Of course there will be set-backs. And I will have many dark times. But things will get better. And my life will improve.

I know it. 

(in the non-scientific definition of “know”)

Taking Some Time Off

I have been taking some time away from Blogging (here), as I have been working thru some details of my thoughts. I am closing doors… Doors that were probably only in my imagination anyway.

Any kind of social life if not going to work. But my life here at home, and with Lori, is my social life.

There is a bar, where when I walk in, they start to draw me a Guinness even before I sit done! So I do have a social life. And there’re my kitties.

I did not stop Blogging altogether, I only stopped on my most public Blogs. I have another. It is for my darker thoughts, and my dark side. But there is time to write here as well.

My thoughts have been more private. I needed a smaller audience for a while.

I am settling in.