Tag Archives: depression

I Am a Cat Person

WOW! …am I ever a cat person…

I understand cats. Predicting their behavior is pretty simple. And I talk to them. Lori rolls her eyes and shakes her head when a cat will do what I say with a simple, calm, quiet command. “Down”… and they will jump down off wherever they are. Lori yells at them 2-3 times before they decide to get down. They understand what I want them to do.

We lost our oldest kitty – Cymbeline – a month ago, at 17. It is still very difficult to think about her. She slept in one of the cat-beds on my desk. There are five cat beds around my office. During the winter, three of them have warming pads. There are often four cats sleeping here.

They are my friends. They are my only friends. Caliban sleeps near me all the time… wherever I go in the house. They each have their own personal ways of accepting commands. But they are always around.

Our backyard has cat-fence so they can’t get out, and others can’t get in. They love it out there. Except Miranda… There are some cat-perches out there.

There are three cats here now.

They are a calming influence in my life. They make it easier to relax. Their positive reaction to me makes me feel better. I take care of them too.

Who to have as Friends?

I have found it very difficult to have normal conversations with people, without have to spend most of my time either… trying to figure out what people think I mean, or trying to explain what I mean.

I have found it easier to communicate about everyday things, with people like me… so I don’t have to explain each point along the way. Just let me say what happened without having to explain everything. It gets so tiring to have to worry about how someone will interpret what I say. People like me, don’t need the explaining part.

I want it to be “normal” for me.

Do you realize how rare that is for us?

The Ghost in the Room

There is a ghost in the room… wherever I go. It is me. The ghost of who I was… of who I was on the inside, haunts me every day. I died decades ago. I disappeared under a cloud of misunderstanding, and mistrust.

When I talk with anyone, my ghost is in the room. Do I listen to my “reality” voice, or my ghost?

People don’t even know who I am. People I worked with for 15 years know virtually nothing about me. Or I should say… about my ghost. People are afraid of ghosts. They are afraid of me. I am two people. Or was… the real me is now limited to this office, and my writings. They prefer the public me. Even with its faults.

But the ghost haunts me… I can not be the public-me so much anymore. The energy to do that has long since faded. And when I have to be the public-me, the ghost pulls at my mind…

There is a ghost with me always.

I Have SiBS

Star is Born Syndrome.
And how to get out of it.

I used to be a teacher.  I was liked, and even admired, by students and faculty.  I was trusted, and influential.  I had built my own home to my needs, and was well known in the community… having gone to city council meetings.  I had friends, and family.  I had been president of the teacher’s union.  All of that and more.

Now I live in virtual isolation… dependent on my loving, successful, liked, and admired wife, financially and otherwise.  No friends or family.  No one knows what my opinions are, and no-one cares.  People don’t trust me.

This was a thot I just wrote down this morning. My “Run Away” approach to life has not worked out as well as I had planned. The last several months I have been trying to build a foundation for getting out to have lunch with a friend… or such. Over the years, I made a lot of different attempt to meet, and develop friends. It never worked out.

Now… I am not sure which way to go. I no longer have confidence in my understanding of what others want, or how they think, or feel. I am flying blind.

My foundation is my confidence in my ability to disappear. I would like it to be confidence in my ability to keep trying, and take more chances. I should be able to do that. That word “should” again.

My meds are stable, and very consistent… even if one requires going out. I know what happens without them. Was that 2 years ago?? It was not good.

There is not going to be a better time to start. I will be writing about how this is going.

The Knights Who Say Ni’

I am a Knight who says Ni’.

My primary battle cry is “Run Away!’

When things go badly with people, I run away. I get out… and try to disappear. I vanish… as best I can. Fear makes us do funny things sometimes. A lot actually. I have no idea what people think of this, but my impression has always been that people were glad to see me go. I was not wanted there anyway. That is what I believe.

This is a feeling that sweeps over me. My hands shake. My brain races, looking for a way out. Panic. Panic can make us do irrational things… especially when I tend to do “irrational” things anyway. What do people think?

I even want to run away from my home. There are times when I must run, and my office is not far enough. I think I need to live by myself. I am not good around people. I do not trust my interpretations of what people are thinking or feeling. My psychologist said I was hyperempathetic. It seems to cause rapid imagination.

No matter what happens, I gradually hide more and more. I have been trying to get better… to reach out more. But every time I try, I mess it up somehow, and have to hide again. I do not understand people!

Making “Rational” Choices

Apparently, this is more difficult than it looks.

When people expect me to make rational decisions… and I can’t… then they expect me to make rational decisions… and I can’t… it goes on and on. It is not going to happen folks. People want me to be normal. So they treat me as if I am… But why is the irrational guy, being asked to make the rational decisions? And I am punished when I don’t get it right.

I understand reality exists. But, I do not need to be reminded that we “probably” won’t end up going… every time we talk about a trip to Alaska. I think it is second nature for most people… they point it out. The rational thing, would be to just accept it as a possibility, and move on. Ya… not so much for us irrationals. People need to understand; the problem is I can not learn to do certain things. I have to find ways around them.

I can view a 3-D exploded view of an older Honda engine. I could tell you where every part went… I just zoom in on the image. Can you do that? Can you learn to do that?? Can you imagine a real hypercube?? I can. You can not learn that. I would not expect you to. there are things my brain can not do. Stop expecting me to figure it out.

But all that aside… let the irrational guy figure it out.

Writing Used to be Easy…

If you look back thru my Blogs… keep going. Once you get back a couple of years, there is some good stuff.

Self-Motivation is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s all I can do, to keep myself going during the day. I can not fight all the doubts and fears at the same time. There is a point where I suddenly hit the wall. Suddenly, I can’t go on… time for bed. I hate it when that happens. I am helpless to stop it. I can’t even read in bed… the day is done.

Sometimes I last all day! Sometimes my mind crashes out after 8 or 9 hours. I hate it. But I have to go along. Fighting it just delays the inevitable, and is miserable time anyway. So I try to sleep… or half-sleep.

Finding the right thing to watch, or listen to is critical. Couple hours of TV… a few hours of music… and back. But either can bring on a crash, if I can not decide what the right thing is. It has to have to correct feel… it has to bring up the correct emotions, and feels. As previously noted, my brain has an issue with the flow of emotions. I can’t not feel things. So it is important for me to have the correct environment.

It can take me hours to find just the right thing… or I crash out. Those are the options.

My surrounds can make or break my day… week. I watch things I have seen, and listen to music I have listened to for 40 years. It is difficult to watch something new. There are far too many unknowns. That can make it difficult for Lori and I to agree on what to watch. Marx Brothers? And it does not matter how repetitious it is… I only half pay attention anyway. It is all about the emotional atmosphere it creates.

Writing has not fit in very well to all this.

And So It Was…

This has got worse. That is partly why it has been so difficult to write – or do anything. But next week will be the 25th anniversary of our first date, and we are now emotionally separated. It is a hollow relationship. I think we still like each other… and share a few interests.

I suppose it is all the fault of my various mental issues. At least that is the obvious explanation. I don’t have family, and I don’t have friends. Except you guys!

This is a difficult time… my hands are shaking. Try to be supportive?

Does anyone write actual letters anymore?

Every Day is Just One Day

Yesterday… what can I say. I had a bad day.

I couldn’t get up at my normal time because I couldn’t think of anything I could actually do. I got up 6 hours late. But then I went to bed 4 hours early… does that balance out? Maybe not…

Background noise in very important to me. I usually have some show marathoning, that I don’t have to pay too much attention. But the voices, and people talking helps me stay focused. Silence digs at me – though technically there is never silence. I always hear a slight hissing, and constant tones in my ears. Normally it is too soft to hear… It doesn’t bother me… but I digress.

I have these days too often. Usually I get better during the day, but not yesterday. It feels like there is nothing to be happy about – Dementors? – like everything is over… finished and I have nowhere to go. It seems like the world has stopped, and there is nothing for me.

Today will be better. There is no “why” it happened… it just did. Trying to find the cause is usually counterproductive.

Wish me luck! J

I Am Afraid of Dogs

This is particularly strange since I grew up around cats and dogs. But I do not trust dogs. I can not predict how they will behave. Cats, I get. They are quite predictable actually. That is probably because they don’t care how I feel about their behavior. Until I shout!

But… why did I become afraid of them? I am seriously disturbed by dogs… especially if they are free. For a while, I even sometimes carried a pistol to protect myself from dogs. The gun is basically useless against humans, except as a noise maker. But with a dog, I don’t have to wait for it to get too close if it charges.

THAT is how far this phobia advanced. I no longer carry the gun… and yes, I did have a carry permit.

Back to the issue at hand…

Where did this fear come from??

I used to free-climb cliffs in the Olympic National Park… now I am deathly afraid of heights. Where did I get that? It does not make sense to me. But I can NOT walk across a bridge, unless I would be ok if I fell off it. The Deception Pass bridge in Washington is a great example. I had to sit down half way across, and lock my arms around the railing. I can not even watch a TV shot that looks down.

Thinking and writing about it now is greatly increasing my anxiety. Why??

These are things I grew up with! Now I can barely walk down the street.

I used to drive all over the Northwest, and parts of British Columbia, by myself. I slept in the back of my 1967 Datsun PL 411. Beige. I bought it from my Mom. Today… traveling is very problematic. I panic out at the last minute too often – once is too often.

What the Hell???

So much deterioration. Especially over the last five years or so, my abilities have diminished. I like what I can do, but I do wonder what I am missing.

Overall, I am fine with where my life is, and I just want to get better at doing these things. Maybe I will get back to where I was.

I Get NO Encouragement

I get ZERO encouragement… at home or anywhere.

Lori thinks people have to encourage themselves, be self-motivating. She believes that if I truly want to do something, I can just do it. 25 years we have been together, and it has not changed much. She thinks she is encouraging, but when I try to explain that she is not, and what she could do and say, she just wants to argue that she IS being encouraging.

DEF: If people are NOT encouraged, you are NOT encouraging.

I was a teacher. DEF: If the students are not learning, you are not teaching.

She can’t get that. She thinks the things she does are encouraging… they are to her, so they should be to everyone. But she will also say people DO NOT NEED external encouragement. She will not acknowledge that she gets encouragement all day at work… from her friends… from coworkers… the list goes on and on. But she seems to think none of that actually makes a difference. She has always done things thru her own motivation. It is simple for her.

Btw: She is a regional executive for a very large retailer. She is uber-successful. Everything she touches turns to gold. Master’s Degree. You name it. She has many friends, and travels with them to Vegas – I stay home. I see no encouragement for me to travel.

ANYWAY… enough of that. The point is, I am totally alone in my fight thru life. I have to be completely self-motivated. I have no friends, or family. There is no-one going to try to help me. I have to figure out every step myself. There will be no help accomplishing anything.

But… how is that any different than my entire life? I have never been happy in life.

This life has definitely not been worth the effort. Going on 20 more years like this… the thot makes me cry. And no-one cares.

 

And trump is a moron.  I do not mean to be insulting morons by lumping trump in with them,  sorry.

Watching World at War…

Oradour-sur-Glane… if I visit Europe, I must go there. I promised my father I would try. He was in the European War in WW2. He saw things I still see in my mind. He taught me what he saw.

I know I have written about this before. But I am feeling especially far from my father tonight. It is a family long lost to me. I still struggle to understand the stories my father told me. Especially now. Fascists come to power thru very strange ways. Hitler was losing political power in early 1930’s, when he was called to “lead” a new government… because he was weak, and could be controlled. They would use him. It did not work out that way.

Everyone underestimated him. Everyone thought he would pass… the Nazi’s could not last, and everything would move on. Things would be fine soon. Then June 30, 1934.

I am watching “The World at War” – BBC. The definitive WW2 documentary. It helps. I watch it a few times a year. I read. I research. I have always had a drive to understand WW2, and I am finally starting to see a developing real-world example as to why I should. Throughout the world, the fascists are gaining. Those who believe they have all the answers, and no-one but them can help. Give them the power, and they will solve all your problems. Look around people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s About Time…

It’s about Space, about two men in a crazy place. This’s the tale of their great cruse… and thru the barrier of time they flew… SING ALONG!!! Really… no-one?

Time wounds all heals… it also heals all wounds. Here I am at 61 and still trying… still communicating… and still working at figgerin’ out what the hell is going on!

“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken.”
Oliver Cromwell

Literally the best words to live by I have ever read. You might be wrong about how bad things are… just as they are wrong about you. You also might be wrong about how right you are… or not. They are equally possible.

Never give up.

There are always ups and downs. And it may at times seem like the ups aren’t as good. Maybe they aren’t… but maybe they just seem so because they are different. Different scares me. So there could be a bias. Maybe the ups are better, but they be completely from a new direction. Look for those highs that take a bit to recognize. It may just be in a form you never expected.

Things are a lot more like they used to be, than they are today.

Three Kinds of Everything

Three kinds of Friends

Friends whose intentions, I understand.

Friends whose intentions I am confused about.

Friends whose intentions I consistently get wrong.    These all tend to overlap.

Why I get them wrong so consistently is a mystery to me. It is as if my brain were wired to make that kind of wrong decision. Or it actually is that my brain is wired to make that kind of wrong decision. At the moment, I can not see a difference. It is just a distinction.

It is also an interesting conundrum.

I am consistently mystified by how people react to things. Most of the time, I know pretty well how people are going to react… until they actually do. Then I am mystified. The only reasons I can see for the error are… negative. And they are almost always reasonably logical… to a point…

But I am even more flustered by my inability to understand who to trust. Nice… huh?

Ultimately, it may not mean anything. Or it could have the golden key to success. Mostly likely, it is somewhere in between… near the middle. But it remains totally unpredictable to me. I may have mentioned, Lori will explain what I did wrong, and I get it… but it still does not make sense. I would still react the same way – wouldn’t everyone? I feel my reactions are every bit as reasonable as everyone else’s… at least so. Perhaps. Right?

At least in this case. Maybe that is advice for next time?… 😉

Did I mention, I can not tell who is which kind of friend? And it can change?? Quickly???

And no-one will understand what the hell is going on. People tend to drift away. And that is totally Normal for them to do! It is rare that I have ever thought the other person responsible. I know I messed up, I just can’t understand how, or why!

There are 3 kinds of people…

People who can count, and people who can’t.

Voices from the Past

I read a poem this morning about losing friends… Anonymously Autistic.

It started me thinking… it does not take much to start me thinking. I lost my friends in the 1970-80’s. For a long time after that, I was working so much, it did not seem to matter. Then I had to retire early because my brain was not cooperating enough. Then I discovered I had not actually made any friends in my many years there. They were all gone in an instant.

Try hard to keep friends, but some people can never understand… and some people will not ever understand. It is sometimes difficult to tell them about. But let them go, and hug your friends.

I don’t get angry about it… I always felt guilty about what happened. After all, it was probably my fault. I am not always an easy person to be around ← under-statement. Being alone is difficult at times. I have some great memories, and I try to hold on to those. But it is not the same.

Keep your friends close. Let them into your life. Try to share your inner feelings. There will be some friends that will stick by you thru it all. Look for those people. They are probably right in front of you.

One thing I have learned… once they are gone… that is it. There is no point trying to get back lost friends. They may even see that as being even worse! Leave them alone. Move to the people close, that will always be there for you. There are people that will be always close.