Tag Archives: brain

“Well that’s just stupid! :)”

An email from my wife.

YES!!!! And I need to figure out why my Brain does that!!!  my response

My brain makes the same stupid decisions over and over.  I am a smart guy, but just about anyone could see the signs of disaster before I crash out.  Ask anyone who has known me… I do run into the same public wall, over and over.  I do not know how to respond to people.  I always assume I am much more accepted than I am.

Everyone knows what the result of all this is. 

And I am one of them.  I know the logic is faulty.  But no matter how prepared I am, I can not overcome some part of my brain, that insists that I must react a certain way… regardless…  Try to imagine how frustrating it might be, to see this error, within your own brain, but to be totally unable to stop it from happening.

I have been making the same mistakes for 40 years – probably a few hundred times..  And each and every time, I suffer a crushing blow.  My newer meds schedule, is smoothing things out along the way – I do not have as many ups and downs during the day.  So that is good.  But there is still something wrong.

To me, my observations seem to suggest it is more likely to be physiological, than psychological.  I am not saying it is physiological, it could also be chemical, but the constancy, and regularity of the kind of emotional errors seems to point this direction. 

I have nothing to back up this thought, other than it seems to make sense.  So it would be one good place to start looking for truth.  And that is how I work.

The Low Point of the Day… Chemistry Attacks

Every day, there is a low point.  There is a time when I still could do some things, but I have already failed to do much of anything.  Often around 3-5pm, I will start to crash.  The day seems lost.

I can never know how it will all work out.  Usually I fight my way thru it… I know it will pass.  Sometimes I pull things together, and actually do something.  And there are times when I just go to bed.  Sound familiar?

Espresso helps me get thru it sometimes.  My psychiatrist and I have discussed how my body chemistry may be changing during the day.  The espresso may be convincing my brain that I am feeling better than I am.  There are so many changes going in our bodies that we do not understand.  Chemistry in the brain changes chemistry in the body.

One med I use to fight anxiety, can lower my anxiety very quickly.  At times my brain may be interpreting it as if I am getting depressed, and I start to feel low.  Not depressed, but sort of like I know it’s coming.  Espresso can help here too.  I think the caffeine fools my brain into thinking I am okay.

I am not saying caffeine is the answer.  But it is part of my arsenal of ways to fight back.  Like I have said, it is a constant struggle.  I have to trick my brain into feeling reality.

So it is possible my brain misinterprets these changes in my body chemistry.  And here it may be that caffeine it convincing my brain that I am better.  These kinds of changes can cause depression.  And in some people they can cause euphoria.  We do not know much about this part of how the human body works.  It is still a mystery to all humankind.

I Need to say more about Myself

I am very happily married – though there are those flashes!

We “get” each other, and know when to just say to ourselves, “whatever”… and move on.  We know what is really important… and we know what is NOT.  We know that flashes of emotion, are only displays of our deeper wants, and needs.  There is joy wrapped within them.  And it all makes us stronger.

Here is the thing.  I am going to write even more about my own experience within my own world.  I am going to write about why I believe things.  And I know the process of resolving conflicts with our beliefs, can become empowering.  I have done much of this… but I have not organized the thoughts.  There needs to be more structure to it.

My brain does not work the way most people’s do.  But it also gives me some interesting abilities.  I can easily view 3D images in my mind… rotating then… even exploding them to visualize all the parts… screws… and whatever, in 3 Dimensions.

I can conceptualize a 4D object… I can “visualize” the axis grid…

So I know my brain is not diminished.  I am okay.  Even if my mind comes up with odd conclusions ,there is no reason to diminish my intellect.  If you can not connect to the concepts I present, then maybe it is your intellect that is lacking.  Or not.

There really is no way of  knowing.

If you know me, you know my mind does not work as yours does.  But is it Wrong?

insert cleaver title here

I think differently… at least in some ways.

I do not understand the way people react.  And I think it is beyond doubt that others do not understand how I react.  It’s a given.

The best times for me, are when I am alone at home with Lori.  I need to not be on Social Media, or in contact with anyone.  It is no-one’s fault but my own… but I need a level of contact and trust that most people can not give.  It’s okay.  I get it.

Right now I am struggling with changes I have imposed on my life – I am making an increased effort to keep to myself.  I have hobbies, and reading, and writing to do.  I am reading a couple of books a week, plus some serials.  I am am trying to start writing again.  I have neglected my Blogs, and my journal.

I was so used to having Facebook on almost all day… I keep thinking of things to post.  But it was a false connection to the outside world.  I thought it was real.  Now I look around my office – this is real.  And this space is my life now.  Plus the rest of the house of course.

I have everything delivered – including food.  I do not have to go out very often.  And I only have to go out to places I know, and feel comfortable with.  The pieces are starting to fall together.

It will take a while to adjust, but I will.   Smile

Baby Steps…

I take one week at a time.  I have a routine for the week, and if things go well, I can get a lot down and have a lot less anxiety.  When things work, my life feel very nice!

It happens.

Most weeks I can hold my own… things are OK.  The problem is that right now, there are more weeks below average, than above average.  I am working to change that.  I am slowly improving my world.  What is one small thing I can do to make my space a little friendlier today?  I do not think about it every day… but many.

Today I am doing laundry, and mapping out the project of finishing the lighting in may Painting Room.  Small things… I will lay out a small project that will simplify the junk on my Hobby Bench  — that will clear some space I need to working.

Then I will try to finish up the hull of the HMS Elizabeth.  At least I want it to be ready for priming. 

That will be a lot to do for today.  A Chore… Planning and Prep… Hobbying.  That makes for a nice combination.  One good day at a time!

This runs into trouble if I start to get mentally overloaded… which is happening much more easily these days.  Even simple things send my mind into retreat.  Decisions elude me.  I hit walls at every turn.  So I am simplifying… everything!

Go Slow…

I Have Intellectual Conversations With My Cats…

Of course… they do not respond… or seem deep in thought… or close to a solution… they mostly have trouble keeping their eyes open.  But their company is every bit as much appreciated!  They add just as much to my life.

In my efforts to build up my life at home, I am pulling back some from social contact – I know… how could I pull back any more than I already have been?  Deleting Facebook is a first step.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and conversing with them.

This is mostly an internal thing… it is about what I am thinking about.  I need to not be thinking about other people, and how they will respond.   I can put some things out of my mind.  It’s a start.

Crazy is as Crazy Does

I do not react to many things in a “normal” way.  Many would say I over-react.  I am not seeing it that way.  To me, my reactions are completely normal.  But then… I am crazy.

I am just normal enough to pass… most of the time.  I do not notice when I slip out of the normal range, and other people take notice.  They were not paying attention to the little weird things I do… they was “Oh that is just Neil”.  So they see me as being unpredictable.

I don’t feel unpredictable.  My actions seem completely normal, and predicable to me.  So I tend to be caught off-guard by people’s reactions.  Didn’t they see that coming??

When you perceive the world in a different way, it is very difficult to know what should be the correct response.  To me, it all fits together.

So when I do react in a crazy way, I am totally surprised by what people do – that was not predicable to me at all.  Then I get thrown completely off, and it can lead to even more unusual behavior on my part.  I am not sure if anyone really gets this.  They expect me to be crazy, but they do not see, or understand, the depth of it.

This has lead to more isolation.  People don’t know how to react to me, and I do not understand their lack of reaction.  I end up alone.  That is the nature of the things…

I can not change how I react because it seems totally normal to me.  How can I know to not do something, when it seems the most normal reaction to the situation?  It never occurs to me that I should do anything else.  And it is hard to learn from events when I feel like I have been wronged.

Too Tired to Go On.

I have struggled with anxiety, and depression all my life.  I had my first full-blown panic attack in the 2nd grade.  I can still see it all happening very clearly in my mind.  I started having bad depressive periods in middle-school.  Of course I did not know what they were at the time.

I am almost 60 years old… I do not have the energy I once did.  But life demands that I do as well (or as badly?) as I always did when I was younger.  There are things I can not do anymore.

I can not play volleyball, or racquetball… I can not hike high mountain trails.  And I can not push myself mentally as far as I once could.  So what do I do?

One of the first things I learned in session was to pick my battles.  I can not solve everything… some things I will never be able to resolve.  But the most important point of this is that I have to pick which things I can improve, and which things I can’t improve.  But I also have to look to which things are more important – which will give back the most rewards.

A few months back in session, we worked out a plan for cutting back on things that were disproportionally stressful – things that cause way more anxiety than they were worth.  And that has been my approach the last several months.

It works great!!!  Now I am getting far more done on my own at home.  And with far less total anxiety.  This does not deal with my phobias, or depression, but it is mostly the anxiety the stops me.  So things have taken a decidedly positive turn in my mental life.

But there are other battles, and I am losing them.  Even my first success is falling into question.  I can not keep following that path.  I have to get “better” and get back to doing more – doing things I used to do.  So rather than moving forward, I now have to move back to putting more energy into going out for errands and such.

That means less energy for all other things… including the having fun part.  Once more into the breach… with no hope of success.

I have responsibilities that I can not ignore.  Not that I have actually ignored them.  I have been trying to obtain balance.  But I have to balance that with the lives of others as well.

So I need a totally new plan.  What I really need to do is be like I was 20 years ago… well… only the good parts of it.  I need to be able to DO more.  I will have to deal with the turmoil in my brain some other way.

Most of Us Live in Silence

I have all sorts of mental problems… we all know that by now!  But I am not alone.  The great majority of people like me are hiding in the wings.  They will never set foot on the stage.

I am not sure why I have chosen such a public path.  I know it is no-one’s fault that I am where I am.  And my struggles are not a creation of society… or of myself.  So why do I write about it here on the Internet?  And why don’t more people read it??  I will leave the latter question for others to answer.

As to myself.  I think the answer is somewhere around my need to understand, and to connect.  The connecting with other people part has always been a complex mission for me.  And for so long I did not understand where the problem was – it was me.  More precisely, my weird brain chemistry.

There is no more I can do about the chemistry part, so I have to work in other areas.

But that does not really answer the question either.

I have never seen much of a need to hide my physical, or mental limitations.  But I have kind of gone the complete other direction from hiding.  I know it burns some people out to read all I write.  It seems like a never-ending story.  But at least you guys are not stuck with it all the time!

I wonder about all those other people out there like me.  I have met a few thru this Blog, and discovered a few that I had already known – we get very good at “blending in”.  It helps to know there are others who share my experiences.

I think that is what I am looking for – understanding.  Not just from people how understand by experience, but those who can learn to understand, and accept.  It is as if we live in another world, and we just want human contact like everyone else.

Is that so much to ask?

Alone With My Thoughts…

I am lonely.  I spend virtually all my time alone.  It has been that way for many years.  It’s okay… I have to live like this.  As an agoraphobe, it is difficult to go out at all, and going out to socialize is pretty much out of the question.  I stick to running a few errands to local places I am familiar with.  The people who work in those stores, are the people I socialize with most.  We chat…

But then… I have just about as much fear of people being here in my home.  I feel invaded, and uneasy.  Even talking on the phone takes a toll.  Any conversation can unexpectedly become way to stressful, and I have to get out of it.

I am usually on Facebook, and that is pretty much the limit of what I can do socially – I can’t even do that some of the time.  So I deactivate when my brain is swimming in too many thoughts.

Basically all this means that I am best when I am home alone, with little or no contact with the outside world.  It is what I have to do, not what I want to do.  Normally I make the best of it.  I have been getting better at doing things at home.  I am even enjoying some of my time.

It is not the life I thought I would be living.  Lori helps.  She tries to make home more fun, and pleasant for me.  We can even go out sometimes.  But going out takes a great deal of planning, and so many things can go wrong.  So most trips get cancelled.

I guess there is really nothing new in this Blog, but it seemed to want to be written.  When I let people down because of my phobias, I know I am slowly pushing them away.  Sometimes it is easier for me if I just go ahead and push them away, so I don’t have to spend so much time having anxiety about it.  They are better of that way too.

Implementation

I have been working on so many things for so many years, that it has been hard to keep it all straight!  But since I am taking a break from trying to figure things out, I decided to concentrate more on implementing what I have learned.

Harder than it sounds…

My retrenched position involves not even having to think about having to go out… at least outside of my safe places right here in town.  It does make things easier for me to not have to worry about that.  And that is pretty much what was actually happening anyway.

I am trying to take away some of the weekly anxieties, without actually cutting back much.  I am just drawing a clearer line.  and it does feel a little less stressful already.  Of course… it is far too soon to know anything for sure.

But my goal is to gradually free up some of my energies, and do more small things around home.  Then I hope to start doing even, more as I can.  It seems like a fairly safe plan, and there is not much to lose by trying it.

I have been so lost for so long, I can’t even know if I am going in the right direction!  And I really don’t want to make things any worse.  Would that even be possible?

So I am still here kicking and screaming… so to speak.  It still gets me down, and I have a lot of bad mornings, and evenings… 

I just have to keep going.

Was the Trip a Failure?

I did not go to the grocery store.

I know I am not very good at going out by myself… but I thought I could go 2 places.  I had a great amount of anxiety on the way to IKEA.  There were many times when my brain wanted to turn around and come back home.  I did make it there, but that was just the beginning.

I had a break down moment (or 5)… the anxiety gets so great, my brain tries to shut down.  Basically my brain tries to make me sleep.  I become extremely drowsy, and my eyes get hard to keep open – not a good scenario when I am driving.  But I can shake it out fairly easily.

This usually happens at home… or when I am at some place.  At IKEA I had the same experience, but it’s easier to deal with when I am walking around.  I was able to get everything I wanted there, but at times I was not so sure.

Coming home I just could not stop at the store… I could not do it.  I failed to finish my errands.  So I am feeling very down about that.  I am still feeling pressure to go to bed.  I am fighting with my own brain.  That’s just not right!

It has been harder to go out the last few months.  I am still trying to figure things out.  But there are things I have to do.  There are things I have to go out for… I need to do better!

The “S” Word

For me, there is a word I write frequently in my journal, and think even more often, that I don’t like!  It makes my anxiety go up just to think it.  It makes me want to run and hide my brain.  It is a horrible word for me… the “S” word.  The word is “should”.

What “should” I do today… what ‘”should” things all look like.  How “should” I respond… or feel… or think.  It is a word that can send me into a crashing dive.

Every day, I think and write about what I “should” do.  It leads me into a pit.  It makes me feel like I have already lost… I have already failed.  What “should” I do?  I can almost never live up to that.  It means I can not do enough even before I start.

Even now, it is making me feel bad.  I can’t even write about it without feeling that anxiety, and failure.  Right now I am feeling like not writing any more… but I “should”.

I don’t know if everyone has such a word… but I doubt it.  When I hear it, I feel myself declining.  I can feel myself falling into the pit of failure.  I can not do what I “should” do.

Some things I can’t do for physical reasons.  My knees, back, shoulder, toes, thumb, and fingers make it hard, or painful to do many things.  I know I “should” do some things, or be able to do some things… but I can’t.  I try to treat my pains, and do what I can.  But it can be very frustrating having to deal with it everyday, all day long.

But most of the time when I “should” do something, and don’t, it’s because of mental issues – my brain is not my friend.  I can not explain this to someone who has never experienced it, but sometimes I simply can not get myself to do what I “should”.

Sometimes I try to avoid the word… sometimes I try to push myself to face it.  Neither works.  It’s a bad word.

OC, or Superstition?

Most of us think of a Superstition as those old rules we have heard – don’t walk under a ladder etc.  But people make there own superstitions.  For example: something bad happened to you when you were young, and you associate it what some unrelated outside event.  You break a bone, and had just eaten an apple… you might associate the apple with pain.  Apples become a reminder of great pain, and you start avoiding them.

This is a simplified example, but it happens to all of us.  OC behaviors are exaggerated because of incorrect chemistry in our brains.  The small superstition becomes an Obsession – you can not ignore it… because your brain will not let you.  The circuitry in you brain can not let go of it until it is resolved in a safe way.

For me, there are mental Rituals I have to go thru.  When I go get the mail, I have a whole little speech I repeat to myself about the US Postal Service – the fastest, cheapest, most efficient mail service in the World… and so on (don’t get me started… too late).  There are many, and used to be a lot more.  I can only set the volume on the stereo at an even number.

One bad one for me is that if I leave the house, and forget something, I can not go back to get it… I have to live without it.  Sometimes Lori can convince me to go back… mostly if she is driving.  But there have been times I went on without something rather important.

There are drugs that can help reduce the chemical imbalance, but they are over-prescribed because it’s the easy way out.  And they do help most people, but they often are not necessary.  See… there is another one for me – if I misspell a word, and spell checker underlines it, I have to fix it right away.  I can’t wait until I am done with the whole thing I am typing.  It has to be right the first time. 

That last one may have helped me some over the years.  In college, I wrote all my papers in one draft.  And I always got an A.  Everything had to be correct the first time.  And I rarely forget my wallet… I check for it often enough.  If you ask me if I have it, I will have to check.  Lori has done that to me when I was being an ass.

The real key to dealing with it though, is to figure out which behaviors or thoughts you can live with, and which you should extinguish.  The Postal Service speech does not hurt me, and actually makes it easier to go get the mail… so it stays.  But other things have had to go.  Particularly a speech I had while driving.

It can take time, and generally takes talking about it with someone, to figure out which is which.  Remember that your view is distorted, so often, only someone else can help identify which things need to go.  They all seem reasonable to you.

Sometimes learning to live with something can be harder than extinguishing it.  But that may be better over the long run.

I fight mine every day… every time I do most anything, there are internal pressures to do, or think, unnecessary things.  I am a lot better, but it is always there, affecting what I can and can not do.  It pisses me off, but all I can do is the best I can do!

Empty Brain…

My brain is not working very well today.  I don’t know where it is all coming from, but I feel unable to do anything.  My mood is very Fragile, and I can’t control my thoughts. 

I feel angry, and sad, and confused… I should just have stayed in bed today.  I am of no use to anyone like this.  It seems like everything has been going wrong.  My pain is not under control, and I have nothing to deal with it when it is really bad.

And I have been letting down Lori and everyone else I deal with.  My brain sometimes just gets so empty…