Tag Archives: alone

Changing My Name…

It is a difficult thing to write this Blog.  I have recently been thinking about changing my last name to Kahl.  I do already get some things addressed to me as Neil Kahl.  And when wine arrives, I even sign Neil Kahl – that is to match Lori’s name because she ordered it.

The logistics are messy, but not difficult.

But why would I even consider this?

That is one of the most difficult answers I have ever thought about.  Do I have a family anymore?  Is it time for me to move on, and start in a new place, with a new name?  Does it even have to be Kahl?

I have been estranged from my “family” for more than a decade.  I was not able to go to my nephew’s weddings., or to even meet my grand-niece.

The reasons for this, go to the core of my existence.  It is part of why I am where I am.  If this one thing had not been there, I do not know how far I could have gone.  It combined with my internal mental issues, took over my life.  If either had not been there, my life would have been very different.

I was born too early for the new meds.  So that would have been hard to change.  Tranquilizers would not have been enough.  I tried an antidepressant in 1983, and it was terrible!!  I had a racing heart-rate, and could not eat.  So it would have not made a big of a difference it I had been diagnosed earl.

Combine that with other “factors”, and my life became a constant struggle to keep going.  I can’t do it anymore.

So… this issue is central to this entire subject.

It will be very difficult to write about.  But I will.  I will not hide who I am.  So you guys out there will get to see deeply into my life.  I hope you enjoy the ride.

NOTE::  I am thinking “Macdonald” might be a good name.  I have ancestors that were Macdonald’s.  The lower case is intended.

I Am About to Write About My Road to Recovery…

Wednesday I will be meeting a new psychologist.  It raises my anxiety.  But this is something I have been preparing for for quite a while, so I am as ready as I can be.  Life has not been kind, but we all have to make our own way thru it.

Monday… I am feeling a great deal of anxiety about this whole thing!  I know I have to follow thru, but my mind is quickly working on excuses for not going.  It would make my life so much easier (in the short term) to just stay home, and keep going as I am.

That would not be a very good approach…  Though it is very appealing right now.  This is one of those times when I have to really push myself to do what I know I need to do.  Just typing that made me feel depressed.  Why should I have to push so much to do things that are so clearly necessary?

There is no “why”.  There is no explanation that will make me feel any better about it.  It is what it is.

Today I will have to just deal with it.  Then tomorrow is tomorrow.  I will worry about that in the morning.  There is plenty for today already.

I will spend a lot of today trying to relax.  There are small things I can do to occupy my mind.  I call it “tinkering”, and I will need to do a lot of it!  I am going to try to focus on my things, so it will feel more rewarding to me.  There are other responsibilities too… but I will mix it all together, and tinker.

I do not even know if this psychologist will work out for me, and I have fears of having to start looking again.  I try to put those thoughts out of my mind, but the are real concerns.  I may not even know the answer to for several weeks… it could take a few sessions to figure this all out.  I know that…

So this is where I am.  And all I can actually do is push forward… keep going… and hope for the best.

Silent Progress

I have sort of made some progress in these last few days…

There are some decisions I need to make.  I meet with my new psychologist Wednesday.  There is so much to think about.

I will, of course, have to try to go along with how things go at my intake session with someone new.  How much do I say?  I  suspect I will know, but I would like to have some ideas before going in.

When should I give permission for her to talk with my former psychologist (whom, incidentally, is no longer seeing patients at all for a while, so I understand better). I am tending towards the 2nd session… but why wait?

There are many more things I have thought of… to try to figure out how to be ready.  Even if things go completely unexpectedly, it will make it easier to go if I have some of this figured out.  Make sense?

Watching the Minute Hand Move

I do not know what to do now…

I will not be going back into therapy right away as I had hoped.  I will need some time to establish my footing again.  Then I will start looking for some alternative.  And my path is not as obvious as it would seem.

But my confidence is fading.  How am I supposed to trust a system where I can be dropped after 8 years of therapy, and then be ignored.  It does not seem very professional to me.  But it is not up to me I suppose..

If I have to start therapy over from the beginning, with someone new, it will hard for me to build confidence.  And there will be a lot for anyone new to learn before we can really get anywhere.  And why should I trust anyone anyway??

Unfortunately, I do not have much of a choice.  I can not continue the way I have the last few months.  In the next few weeks, I will have to make some difficult decisions.  Things that will affect the rest of my life.  I need to do the right thing.

And… I do not even know how long to wait for a response to my email.  Three days seems like enough time for her to have replied.  I suppose I could still hear, but I am not sure how to react.  The delays in hearing back, and the difficulty of making appointments was the main reason I stopped going in the first place.

Her Web Site says she is not currently taking therapy patients.  So I guess my answer is there.  Maybe that is my answer.

ADDITIONAL: I will remain patient as I can. Smile 

I Would Rather Have the Nightmares

All in all, I would rather face the nightmares of sleep, than my real world.  I do not belong here, but there is nowhere else to go.

Whenever I sit to write a Blog, I have to be careful… I have to filter what I want to say.  I leave out some important points because I do not want to upset anyone.  I have few enough friends as it is… I do not need to push any more away.

I do not have a plan.  I do not have any direction to go.  My biggest problem is that I lack a support system.  There is no-one I can turn to for support, and know it will be there.  Most of the time I have absolutely no support at all.  I have to get thru everything on my own – then try to take care of Lori’s needs when she comes home for the weekend.

On the weekends, I have to get even more done in order to reduce stress around here.  So there is never a time for me to get what I need.  And let’s face it, I need a lot.

Until I can build some kind of support structure under which I can have room to fall back if I need to, I can not take any chances that could disrupt my precarious balance.  So I wait.  I have been waiting for a long time.

Everyone has their needs.  When you have a stressful life, and work at a difficult job, you need time to relax and recover – weekends.  My life is… very stressful, and I do not get that weekend.  I understand.  Each of us has to find our own way of making it thru the hard times,  I have not found mine yet.

Time is growing short.  It gets harder and harder to take action.  The worse I get, the harder it is to take chances.  Then I become even more isolated.  It is a terrible cycle.  And it only gets worse.

So I sit here, as patiently as I can, waiting for the opportunity to come along.  But… it has to be a very solid base now before I can even plan a step.  It’s not going to happen.

Living Times as They Come

I just have to live my life as it comes.. as does everyone.  I am not doing very well a that right now.  I have lost something very important.  Every day I find myself feeling a little more isolated.  There is no safety net for me any longer.

I do not mean to harp on it, but after 8 years of therapy, you kind of develop a need for someone.  you get used to talking things over before acting on them.  When that is suddenly gone, it creates a huge hole that starts to swallow up everything.

There are too many things going wrong in my life right now.  A major part of my process for finding ways to improve my life, is gone.

Today I am feeling very low, and more lost –  I can not see which way to turn.  And I know it will get worse… at least for a while.

Feeling Like Hiding… Always

I doubt if it is really a true feeling… but I commonly wish I could hide from the world. 

I know someone who was an “outsider” ~ someone who didn’t get it.  But then something happened in her life to throw her violently to the other side of the fence.  Suddenly she gets it all.  But usually, the people who really care about us, will never understand.

It is difficult for those who have to live with us… they see the pain, but not the cause or depth.  They learn to not react “normally” to our “moods”.  And they try very hard.

But most people just stare in wonder.  They can not imagine where we are ~ thought they often think they do.  We have all heard the “snap out of it” comments… “just try harder” implications.  We are treated at times as if we must just not care enough to do anything about it.

That is hard to get used to.  It makes me feel more isolated.  It leaves me worse off.  And it leaves me wanting to hide… always.

Alone With My Thoughts…

I am lonely.  I spend virtually all my time alone.  It has been that way for many years.  It’s okay… I have to live like this.  As an agoraphobe, it is difficult to go out at all, and going out to socialize is pretty much out of the question.  I stick to running a few errands to local places I am familiar with.  The people who work in those stores, are the people I socialize with most.  We chat…

But then… I have just about as much fear of people being here in my home.  I feel invaded, and uneasy.  Even talking on the phone takes a toll.  Any conversation can unexpectedly become way to stressful, and I have to get out of it.

I am usually on Facebook, and that is pretty much the limit of what I can do socially – I can’t even do that some of the time.  So I deactivate when my brain is swimming in too many thoughts.

Basically all this means that I am best when I am home alone, with little or no contact with the outside world.  It is what I have to do, not what I want to do.  Normally I make the best of it.  I have been getting better at doing things at home.  I am even enjoying some of my time.

It is not the life I thought I would be living.  Lori helps.  She tries to make home more fun, and pleasant for me.  We can even go out sometimes.  But going out takes a great deal of planning, and so many things can go wrong.  So most trips get cancelled.

I guess there is really nothing new in this Blog, but it seemed to want to be written.  When I let people down because of my phobias, I know I am slowly pushing them away.  Sometimes it is easier for me if I just go ahead and push them away, so I don’t have to spend so much time having anxiety about it.  They are better of that way too.

Surrounded By People Who Do Not Understand

I live in a world outside of yours.  I can not explain what happens in my brain because people don’t get it.  They try to talk me out of it; or convince me to try something else; or any of a number of things that simply show they simple do not understand.

My brain does not work thru things the same way… It’s as if when there is a dog, I see a horse.  I can explain that it’s a horse… I might even know it is not what it looks like.  But no amount of discussion will make me see a dog.  It’s just not going to happen.

What to do?  I don’t know.  Maybe just let me see the damn horse!  I’m not going to try to ride it.  But I have to live with the fact that I see a horse!

Okay… not a great analogy.  But you can not talk someone out of being mentally ill.

People get angry with me because I get so very frustrated that I can not get anyone to understand – except people who already understand because they live there too.  I have lived a life of mind numbing loneliness, and all people want to do is convince me it’s not so bad… or if I try a little harder, and things will be okay.

I live in Hell, and others get upset because I am not treating them fairly!  Only one person in my live has ever treated me as if the way I think is okay – my mother.  And it took us a very long time for us to get to that point.

People think I am slighting them… or ignoring their needs… or that I don’t care.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  But they are clueless about my needs, and belittle them when I bring them up.

Just remember… I am stuck inside me ALL THE TIME!!!

Back Almost Where I was 9 years Ago

Well… I have the meds now, and I know what things will help me deal with anxiety – though I am not allowed to use them unless I am and will be home alone.  But the main problem is that I have absolutely no-one to talk to.  No friends or family that actually understands.

At home I am treated as if all I have to do is try a little harder.  If I do try to help myself, I will invariable fail.  Things that work, are not allowed because they offend.

I do not want to offend… I just want out of this Hell I live in.  Others can not imagine how hard I work every minute of every day.  I need breaks from it.  I need an escape.

I can not imaging starting over with a new psychologist.  I do not have the strength to do it.  Of course, that means I am not trying hard enough.  Magic is the only answer I see here.  Where is Herminie when you need her?

I am like a cat… I always land on my feet.  I will find a way thru this as well.  I just don’t know where it will come from.  Basically, I feel like I am stuck until some new medicine comes along.  It has happened.

My life has always… ALWAYS been about looking forward to some future when things would be better.  There is nothing in my life worth where I am… but there may be some bright day down the road.  So I will keep trying, and…… we’ll see.

Comment Received :: I am told by family and ex- friends to push myself more, do they not think i would if i could without later consequences. I know how i feel but they have no clue how much it takes to stick together every day (typos corrected)

I think all of us experience this.

And A New Stage in My Life Begins

I have lost my psychologist.  I can not go see her anymore.

The specific reasons are not important here.  but after 8 1/2 years, I am on my own.  From every other week to… zip.  I do not know what I will do, but for now at lease, there is no point trying to find someone new.  It is far to upsetting for that.

I am not sure about any of the progress I have made – this feels like it calls everything into question.  I have no idea where to turn.

I have become even more stuck at home.  My anxiety has been running higher recently.  I was going to say “high than normal”… but I have no idea what normal looks like.  So I am afloat in a world I do not understand, and that does not understand me.

Okay… I can pull myself together, and push on forward.  That is about all I can do. 

I will have more to say on this later.

The Internal Battle…

Okay… there are many internal battles, but right now, they all seem to be melting together.  Everything is related.  And it means there really has to be one encompassing solution – probably not all at the same time.  But what I have been trying has not worked.

Now I am trying to find ways to start over… or more accurately, to find some way to keep going, but with some changes.  There is no point expending energy on things that can not help.  I need to be able to live alone, and keep to myself, while finding some kind of – if not happiness, at least non-unhappiness.

One thing that will help will be to avoid social media – it just engenders a false sense of optimism.  There are no answers for me there.  I have deeply set issues with no real-world solution.  I will have to create my own solutions.

And that will take forcing myself to avoid making the same mistakes.  Number 1 is the myth that I can find a pleasing place in the social media world.  I require a closer contact than that.  I need to know it matters.

Also I am rethinking these Blogs.  I love to write, but this writing does not generally make me feel any better.  I do not know who is reading – though I am sure few of my on-line friends do.  A few do, and I appreciate that.  But I seem to lose more friends than I gain.

And I am not going to go to session for a while.  I am not convinced it has been doing me any good.  I am better, but I do not know why.  And I think I need to be more self-reliant.  I need to just find my way on my own.

That’s Just Crazy Talk!

This is all just one of my “moods”, right?

I left Facebook about a week ago, and have wondered at times about whether I should go back on.  It is a very difficult issues for me.  I left because there is a major hole in FB for people like me.  Most people on FB are normal people, with jobs, and friends, and activities in their lives.

There are some though, that are more like me.  To me, Facebook was almost my only contact with the outside world.  So to me it was an important, and serious thing.  I took my friendships there seriously.  These people were pretty much the only friends I had.

Facebook is not a game for me… so sometimes the triviality of it drives me away.  I need some serious contact in my life – I need real contact.  And most of the time, Facebook is not the place for that.  Not with most people anyway.

I have my Blogs… and they give me a chance to voice some of my feelings, and the struggles that are going on in my brain.  But Blogs are not friendships either – even less so than Facebook.  There are very few responses here.  It is a very  different kind of place.  This is very one-way.

So what should I do?  If I want any human contact, I need to go back on Facebook.  There are people there who know me.  But how well do they know me?  Not so well it would seem.  I have not heard from anyone since I have been off.  That is my fault of course… I do scare people away.

But if I do go back on, people will think this all was just one of my moods.   They knew there was nothing really to it, and I would be back.  Maybe they are right…  But for me it would just put me right back in the same position I was in before.  And it would only last until my next “mood”.

It is not about my mood.  Being on Facebook, or not, is a matter of me trying to find a way to be a small part of the world, and to be able to share with people who would miss me if I were gone.  If these were the ONLY friends you had, wouldn’t it matter to you more too???

Great Session! Then, Kaboom!!

I went to session yesterday morning, and it was really great!  We came up with 2 things for me to plan, to work on over the next 3 weeks.  I went on to see my psychiatrist, and ran into my first problem – she was double booked, and I could not see her.

I went off home, and did not stop for the errands I had felt so good about doing, just an hour before.  I was wiped out, and my anxiety was high.  I felt depression coming on, but I knew it would pass, and I would be okay.

Then the roof fell in.  Not literally, but that would actually have been better.  I can not say what happened, but it blew me away.  I am off Facebook again… this time I think it will be a long time before I go back.

I am physically ill about it.  My hands are still shaking.  I have not eaten, and have no energy for it.  My world just got a lot smaller.

It is so hard to try to be social when you are an agoraphobe… Social Media was a God-send.  Was…  Now I feel more alone than I ever have been.  And I do not know what to do…  I can not trust anyone anymore.

This will have a great negative affect on my Blogs as well.  The great majority of visitors were FB “friends”.  So this too may fade away now.

I don’t know.