The Knights Who Say Ni’

I am a Knight who says Ni’.

My primary battle cry is “Run Away!’

When things go badly with people, I run away. I get out… and try to disappear. I vanish… as best I can. Fear makes us do funny things sometimes. A lot actually. I have no idea what people think of this, but my impression has always been that people were glad to see me go. I was not wanted there anyway. That is what I believe.

This is a feeling that sweeps over me. My hands shake. My brain races, looking for a way out. Panic. Panic can make us do irrational things… especially when I tend to do “irrational” things anyway. What do people think?

I even want to run away from my home. There are times when I must run, and my office is not far enough. I think I need to live by myself. I am not good around people. I do not trust my interpretations of what people are thinking or feeling. My psychologist said I was hyperempathetic. It seems to cause rapid imagination.

No matter what happens, I gradually hide more and more. I have been trying to get better… to reach out more. But every time I try, I mess it up somehow, and have to hide again. I do not understand people!

“The Road to Moscow”

by Al Stewart

I have listened to this song hundreds of times. I can not get away from needing to understand WW2.

The song is about a Russian Resistance fighter… his story… and his reward of life exile in Siberia. Because he met westerners. My father met Russians who were probably shipped off to Siberia, just for having met a westerner. 30 million Russians died… more than one in five. In some cities… fewer than 10% survived. Over 85% of Hitler’s war effort was against the Russians. Many say 90%.

Why?

My father never stopped looking for why. And he left me that heritage… I have to understand, why? How could such a thing happen??? 100 million people lost in a World War… who even knows that?

Irrational R Us

Learning to worry about every single little decision – which I already do – because it might be wrong, feeds my anxiety… there is literally no way I can be sure I am being rational. Do you have any idea how that feels? To know that no matter how careful, and thought out, you still may be completely wrong??

It is not a confidence builder.

And they wonder why I drop of Facebook. I can never know if I am saying an acceptable thing, let alone the right thing. I worry about each post so much; I almost always think about deleting them. So I run away. I can’t say the wrong thing of Facebook if I stay off. I can’t hurt anyone’s feelings if I am not there.

I have a degree in Math… and I can say, there is a pattern there. Who knows… it could even lead to total isolation for fear of offending. I’m not an expert… though I sort of am. I’m just an expert at the other side. I can describe what things are like over here… but seeing from your view is a bit tough.

Making “Rational” Choices

Apparently, this is more difficult than it looks.

When people expect me to make rational decisions… and I can’t… then they expect me to make rational decisions… and I can’t… it goes on and on. It is not going to happen folks. People want me to be normal. So they treat me as if I am… But why is the irrational guy, being asked to make the rational decisions? And I am punished when I don’t get it right.

I understand reality exists. But, I do not need to be reminded that we “probably” won’t end up going… every time we talk about a trip to Alaska. I think it is second nature for most people… they point it out. The rational thing, would be to just accept it as a possibility, and move on. Ya… not so much for us irrationals. People need to understand; the problem is I can not learn to do certain things. I have to find ways around them.

I can view a 3-D exploded view of an older Honda engine. I could tell you where every part went… I just zoom in on the image. Can you do that? Can you learn to do that?? Can you imagine a real hypercube?? I can. You can not learn that. I would not expect you to. there are things my brain can not do. Stop expecting me to figure it out.

But all that aside… let the irrational guy figure it out.

Being “Irrational”

Has anyone else noticed, that when people point out you are being “irrational”, they generally expect that to be the end of it? You will stop being irrational, and become rational just because you had not noticed it. sigh…

How can I recognize a solution, when I am not the least bit clear on the problem? It seems like a cart before the horse kind of situation. While I am still trying to figure out what happened, everyone else was moved on, and assumes it won’t happen again. What won’t happen?

There are things I can not do reliably. That is not going to change. The thing I need is for people to get that first… then look for ways to mitigate it. I can’t teach my brain to work differently. I have to learn what to look for, and rely on others to do the “rational” part. Letting the irrational guy figure out what to do… does that make sense to rational people?

BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder

Apparently, I am that too. BPD, autism, anxiety, depression, OCD, phobias… is there an end to this list? I know I am leaving off several important names. But this one was just added. J

There are a lot on names for mental illness… the names are mostly for the Nones… people with no mental illness. Nones like to put names on things. Even when they have no idea what the names mean. They are just words. Having something to call it, seems to make it easier for them.

All that aside… when we are talking to Nones, the names help us explain things. They can look those up on the Internet. They might be able to get some kind of understanding, and possible connection. And I am still the same. The names don’t change what I am, or what I have to deal with. Who knows… maybe the names will help me too. But I don’t think so.

Nones live in a different world. Most of them have some kind of little mental tweak. Usually it just comes up as something that irritates their family and friends. They will live their lives in ignorance of anything being amiss. Oh those Nones… they can be a laugh riot!

 

WOW… I just noticed there are people in the foreground of my banner photo.  The subject drowned them out.  In case you do not recognize it, it is the entrance to Auschwitz.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auschwitz_concentration_camp

Going Private

This Blog is going PRIVATE.

I have been harassed by someone following my every post, everywhere I go on the Internet.

If you wish to continue to have access, Please request to view my Private Site.  I will need to know something about who you are… or more precisely… who you are not.

Going Private at 4pm PST

I Screw Up Everything

I can not do anything right. I sit all day trying to keep going. But why? It just means more and more of the same. I will never be happy. I keep trying things to get myself going, but the basic problem is that I just don’t care. Nothing matters. Many things get started, but nothing is ever finished.

I have been a complete failure all my life… just ask my sibling. I have been a constant failure.

When my wife asked my sibling if there was anything I was good at… the response was that I was “sometimes” a good teacher.  That is all.  I have heard it all my life…

Writing Used to be Easy…

If you look back thru my Blogs… keep going. Once you get back a couple of years, there is some good stuff.

Self-Motivation is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s all I can do, to keep myself going during the day. I can not fight all the doubts and fears at the same time. There is a point where I suddenly hit the wall. Suddenly, I can’t go on… time for bed. I hate it when that happens. I am helpless to stop it. I can’t even read in bed… the day is done.

Sometimes I last all day! Sometimes my mind crashes out after 8 or 9 hours. I hate it. But I have to go along. Fighting it just delays the inevitable, and is miserable time anyway. So I try to sleep… or half-sleep.

Finding the right thing to watch, or listen to is critical. Couple hours of TV… a few hours of music… and back. But either can bring on a crash, if I can not decide what the right thing is. It has to have to correct feel… it has to bring up the correct emotions, and feels. As previously noted, my brain has an issue with the flow of emotions. I can’t not feel things. So it is important for me to have the correct environment.

It can take me hours to find just the right thing… or I crash out. Those are the options.

My surrounds can make or break my day… week. I watch things I have seen, and listen to music I have listened to for 40 years. It is difficult to watch something new. There are far too many unknowns. That can make it difficult for Lori and I to agree on what to watch. Marx Brothers? And it does not matter how repetitious it is… I only half pay attention anyway. It is all about the emotional atmosphere it creates.

Writing has not fit in very well to all this.

And So It Was…

This has got worse. That is partly why it has been so difficult to write – or do anything. But next week will be the 25th anniversary of our first date, and we are now emotionally separated. It is a hollow relationship. I think we still like each other… and share a few interests.

I suppose it is all the fault of my various mental issues. At least that is the obvious explanation. I don’t have family, and I don’t have friends. Except you guys!

This is a difficult time… my hands are shaking. Try to be supportive?

Does anyone write actual letters anymore?

Every Day is Just One Day

Yesterday… what can I say. I had a bad day.

I couldn’t get up at my normal time because I couldn’t think of anything I could actually do. I got up 6 hours late. But then I went to bed 4 hours early… does that balance out? Maybe not…

Background noise in very important to me. I usually have some show marathoning, that I don’t have to pay too much attention. But the voices, and people talking helps me stay focused. Silence digs at me – though technically there is never silence. I always hear a slight hissing, and constant tones in my ears. Normally it is too soft to hear… It doesn’t bother me… but I digress.

I have these days too often. Usually I get better during the day, but not yesterday. It feels like there is nothing to be happy about – Dementors? – like everything is over… finished and I have nowhere to go. It seems like the world has stopped, and there is nothing for me.

Today will be better. There is no “why” it happened… it just did. Trying to find the cause is usually counterproductive.

Wish me luck! J

I Am Afraid of Dogs

This is particularly strange since I grew up around cats and dogs. But I do not trust dogs. I can not predict how they will behave. Cats, I get. They are quite predictable actually. That is probably because they don’t care how I feel about their behavior. Until I shout!

But… why did I become afraid of them? I am seriously disturbed by dogs… especially if they are free. For a while, I even sometimes carried a pistol to protect myself from dogs. The gun is basically useless against humans, except as a noise maker. But with a dog, I don’t have to wait for it to get too close if it charges.

THAT is how far this phobia advanced. I no longer carry the gun… and yes, I did have a carry permit.

Back to the issue at hand…

Where did this fear come from??

I used to free-climb cliffs in the Olympic National Park… now I am deathly afraid of heights. Where did I get that? It does not make sense to me. But I can NOT walk across a bridge, unless I would be ok if I fell off it. The Deception Pass bridge in Washington is a great example. I had to sit down half way across, and lock my arms around the railing. I can not even watch a TV shot that looks down.

Thinking and writing about it now is greatly increasing my anxiety. Why??

These are things I grew up with! Now I can barely walk down the street.

I used to drive all over the Northwest, and parts of British Columbia, by myself. I slept in the back of my 1967 Datsun PL 411. Beige. I bought it from my Mom. Today… traveling is very problematic. I panic out at the last minute too often – once is too often.

What the Hell???

So much deterioration. Especially over the last five years or so, my abilities have diminished. I like what I can do, but I do wonder what I am missing.

Overall, I am fine with where my life is, and I just want to get better at doing these things. Maybe I will get back to where I was.