Category Archives: The Pit

An Open Window…

I am trying to give people a chance to hear from the other side of the Mental Health issues we face. These Blogs may come back to haunt me. I make bad decisions, and people may respond in ways that make me think they are angry at me.

My response: Get in line.

I am used to people being mad at me. Even when they are not. My brain goes into protective mode and it assumes anyone with cause, is mad at me. Unless I have direct knowledge, they are not. There is almost a constant fear in my brain of people being mad at me. If I cannot know better… my brain assumes they are mad.

That is what my brain does. And NO amount of knowing that, will ever be able to stop my brain from going there.

If you fall into a pool of water, your brain will respond in a certain way to save you. It would take a lot a practice to learn exactly how to react in the best possible way… that protects you the most quickly. But it would take practice. You would need help…

Here is the catch… there is no way for the mentally ill to practice unless there is someone to practice with. We need help. We need someone to unlock the doors to the pool.

I don’t have the keys.

I Guess I Was Wrong

The lack of response indicates I was wrong about all this. Maybe I am asking too much. I can’t stop the way my brain works. It is all my fault as always.

Everyone is mad at me… at least I think so. There is no-one who actually tells me anything. It is very hard to know what is right, when no-one will talk to me. It leaves me groping in the dark. Making mistakes, and making things worse. Alone.

All my life, my detractors have been right. It’s just me.

“The Aviator”

The Aviator is a movie I go to when I am feeling down. I understand Howard Hughes in this movie. What he does, makes sense… though not what I would have done. But the movie makes me feel better.

The scenes of him testifying before Congress are great. No matter how far he fell down, he was able to pull it all together to testify before Congress… and take down a Senator. We all know how that feels… putting it all together to step up for important occasions. We have all done that… we do it almost every day! Every day we step up to be what we are expected to be. Howard Hughes was much worse off than myself, but I see, and understand the spectrum.

I stood up for many years… I did pretty well, I think. But as life goes on, it gets less and less important to care about trying. I do not think my life would have been worse if I had just given up 40 years ago, and followed the easy path. It very certainly would have been easier. Right now, that means it would still be easier for me to deal with people. Or not.

Did I waste my energies? Or would I be in the same mental place, even if I had taken an easier path? I can not know. I can never know… All I can know is where I want to be.

Give me the money, and I would disappear into a world where I can be invisible. I want to go away, and not have to expend so much of my life, just trying to get along. The outside world takes away most of my energies… it leaves me flat… it takes too much out of my life.

I have LMCS… and there are few treatments… Lack of Mountain Cabin Disorder. I have no Fortress of Solitude… no place that is only me… where I do not have to try to fit into anything. I am so tired. Even now, the world is always far too demanding. I worked so hard to fit in, and I do not see a pay-off. I am now ready to give it up with the outside world.

What I need is a world where I do not have to expend energies on fitting in… Not going to happen. I will be eligible for SS soon… and I think I should just go off into my own place. I could live on that, with my pension. It’s not like I am going to be traveling around much!

Of course… this is all pie in the sky stuff… I sit here in my office for the next 20 years.

I am good at envisioning futures, that can never happen.

Making “Rational” Choices

Apparently, this is more difficult than it looks.

When people expect me to make rational decisions… and I can’t… then they expect me to make rational decisions… and I can’t… it goes on and on. It is not going to happen folks. People want me to be normal. So they treat me as if I am… But why is the irrational guy, being asked to make the rational decisions? And I am punished when I don’t get it right.

I understand reality exists. But, I do not need to be reminded that we “probably” won’t end up going… every time we talk about a trip to Alaska. I think it is second nature for most people… they point it out. The rational thing, would be to just accept it as a possibility, and move on. Ya… not so much for us irrationals. People need to understand; the problem is I can not learn to do certain things. I have to find ways around them.

I can view a 3-D exploded view of an older Honda engine. I could tell you where every part went… I just zoom in on the image. Can you do that? Can you learn to do that?? Can you imagine a real hypercube?? I can. You can not learn that. I would not expect you to. there are things my brain can not do. Stop expecting me to figure it out.

But all that aside… let the irrational guy figure it out.

BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder

Apparently, I am that too. BPD, autism, anxiety, depression, OCD, phobias… is there an end to this list? I know I am leaving off several important names. But this one was just added. J

There are a lot on names for mental illness… the names are mostly for the Nones… people with no mental illness. Nones like to put names on things. Even when they have no idea what the names mean. They are just words. Having something to call it, seems to make it easier for them.

All that aside… when we are talking to Nones, the names help us explain things. They can look those up on the Internet. They might be able to get some kind of understanding, and possible connection. And I am still the same. The names don’t change what I am, or what I have to deal with. Who knows… maybe the names will help me too. But I don’t think so.

Nones live in a different world. Most of them have some kind of little mental tweak. Usually it just comes up as something that irritates their family and friends. They will live their lives in ignorance of anything being amiss. Oh those Nones… they can be a laugh riot!

 

WOW… I just noticed there are people in the foreground of my banner photo.  The subject drowned them out.  In case you do not recognize it, it is the entrance to Auschwitz.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auschwitz_concentration_camp

And So It Was…

This has got worse. That is partly why it has been so difficult to write – or do anything. But next week will be the 25th anniversary of our first date, and we are now emotionally separated. It is a hollow relationship. I think we still like each other… and share a few interests.

I suppose it is all the fault of my various mental issues. At least that is the obvious explanation. I don’t have family, and I don’t have friends. Except you guys!

This is a difficult time… my hands are shaking. Try to be supportive?

Does anyone write actual letters anymore?

I Get NO Encouragement

I get ZERO encouragement… at home or anywhere.

Lori thinks people have to encourage themselves, be self-motivating. She believes that if I truly want to do something, I can just do it. 25 years we have been together, and it has not changed much. She thinks she is encouraging, but when I try to explain that she is not, and what she could do and say, she just wants to argue that she IS being encouraging.

DEF: If people are NOT encouraged, you are NOT encouraging.

I was a teacher. DEF: If the students are not learning, you are not teaching.

She can’t get that. She thinks the things she does are encouraging… they are to her, so they should be to everyone. But she will also say people DO NOT NEED external encouragement. She will not acknowledge that she gets encouragement all day at work… from her friends… from coworkers… the list goes on and on. But she seems to think none of that actually makes a difference. She has always done things thru her own motivation. It is simple for her.

Btw: She is a regional executive for a very large retailer. She is uber-successful. Everything she touches turns to gold. Master’s Degree. You name it. She has many friends, and travels with them to Vegas – I stay home. I see no encouragement for me to travel.

ANYWAY… enough of that. The point is, I am totally alone in my fight thru life. I have to be completely self-motivated. I have no friends, or family. There is no-one going to try to help me. I have to figure out every step myself. There will be no help accomplishing anything.

But… how is that any different than my entire life? I have never been happy in life.

This life has definitely not been worth the effort. Going on 20 more years like this… the thot makes me cry. And no-one cares.

 

And trump is a moron.  I do not mean to be insulting morons by lumping trump in with them,  sorry.

Respect

Command respect, don’t Demand respect.

I believe, when I was a teacher, I earned the respect of students. I tried to treat them like adult human beings – when possible. I tried to always hear their thoughts.

That respect is a very nice memory.

Respect faded away as my mental state changed. And I don’t blame anyone for it. I am confident, I would be at least incline to do the same thing… if not for the fact that I know what it is like to feel my mind slipping away. I am on this side now. Some of you know what I mean. Some of you have learned to understand it… even predict it better than I. But there are few of them.

Also… some of you know what I mean because you live it too. No matter how you are different, the result is almost always the same – you are going to end up in a very small circle. More on that later.

The problem I have on Facebook is that I do not have any friends outside FB. Most people have a foundation of friends who will share Facebook with then on that basis… friends. You can not start with FB. You have no support base to make sure you have some good threads going.

What’s that like? Actually I know. When I was first on FB, I had that basis of friends as well.

That was 5 plus years ago. It may not seem like a long time, but it has been a tough 5 years. There were a few times I actually got within days of meeting someone for beers… in each case those people will not even respond to a friend request. My brain does not always process information in the correct way.

The first step of talking about your own mental issues, is getting others to even see it is real. It is not just a behavior flaw. It is not an obsession. It is a mental process flaw. I use the word “flaw” reluctantly. Who is really to say to whom the flaw belongs? Cats can not taste sweet. Is that a flaw?? There are clearly advantages to it.

But alas, I digress…

How do I find Real-World friends without any social contact except FB? No wonder it does not work for me. I need to build respect, but I can not even stay around long enough to make any difference.

Why Bother?

Why do I bother writing?

It used to be helpful… it helped me figure things out. I don’t write much anymore… I cry instead.

There is no-one to write to. Nothing to write about. Nothing ever changes, so all I can do I write the same things over and over. What I say does not matter anymore. I was a teacher… but there is nothing left to teach, and nothing to learn.

This is my life. I struggle to get up in the morning. I fight to keep going thru tears and desperation. Sometimes I eat, sometimes not. I try to watch something to distract me, but it doesn’t always work. There is nothing worth doing. Only my kitties keep me going.

I live in an almost constant state a despair. Constantly trying to find a way out. There is no way out.

Every day is the same. Every Monday I see another week has slipped thru my fingers. One week less time to find a solution. There is none.

A Test in Reality

I understand the process that makes my brain go in such interesting directions. But I can not predict it… I can not see it happening… I can not even see it in hind sight. If you think you saw a green car, no amount of inner thought can change it. Only further examination could determine it was actually blue. Only when it is pointed out to me, can I see there was perhaps a mistake.

I say “perhaps” because it will always seem to me as if I did the correct thing the first time. Intellectually, I see that it was indeed in error. There is no dissonance here because there seems to be no connection between the two. I know how I felt, and I know what probably happened… they feel like two entirely different events. So I can live with both perceptions.

Perception is not reality.

Knowing all this is nice, but doesn’t do anything to help. Since I know I can not always trust my reactions and I will still react as I do, I am left walking a mine field. And the mines are very interesting, because I don’t even notice the explosion. Everyone else will probably think the booming blast, and shrapnel are pretty obvious… while I think all is as it should be.

Any time I try to be social, I start setting off mines… walking along not noticing anything wrong, I don’t see the rubble building up behind me. By the time I put the pieces together, the damage is long since past. There is nothing to be done for it.

So I have no social life. And I get extremely anxious when I have to be around people… especially people I do not know. And since my brain does not work properly, do I really know anyone???

Living in Neutral

I live in a neutral world. My environment is almost entirely neutral. Without interaction, I have no measure in reality. There is no validation, or critical-help. There is just neutral.

Things I perceive as neutral, are a potential threat. Starting with no particular feeling one way or the other, the thought of doing anything is met as a potential threat. Things could get worse. I could fail. And I am my only judge, so I perceive the danger of failing to be greater than the potential reward. Sometimes it fades away, and I can do things again. Sometimes I can never get past the potential for failure – which is a threat.

Quite the conundrum.

Gradually, anything I might want to do will fade away. My brain will gradually cut all ties… another project unfinished. And hobby left sitting. And just one more book left unwritten. It does not really matter. A thousand years from now, very few people alive will be able to name anyone from our era. So what does it matter?

I get along fine.

The only thing that changes, is the date.

Thanksgiving Message

In early April, 1945, all my dad and other US troops had was chicken soup with very few noodles, in tin cups. But they helped these survivors of Ohrdruf, and Buchenwald drink as much as they could. These dying human beings said “Thank you” in English. Some had learned to say it just for this moment… almost all would be dead in hours… and they were Thankful! Think about that this Thanksgiving Day.

i just want to die peacefully

I have stopped taking me meds.  I am worse than I was 10 years ago when all this blew up.  The last 3 years I have been in a steady decline.

I used to write Blogs and journals.

Thousands of pages of my journals have been given to others… not one single response, or question.  When I ask, the reader says there was “nothing new”.  No questions, no comments.

People read my Blogs… there have been some comments.  But no-one… NO-ONE has EVER tried to talk with me about what I wrote.  Not my wife,… not anyone.  It is always left to ferment in my mind.

Why bother writing?

This was my last hope of reaching out. My last hope for finding someone who actually care enough to talk with me about all this… these years of Blogs.

No one cares.