Category Archives: Me & My Issues

As Good As It Gets…

Yup… this is as good as it gets.  Now I transition into making do with what I have, and not putting energy into trying to get better.  My former psychologist has offered to help me find someone knew to see, but that can not happen.

Starting to see someone new is too high a hurdle for me to leap, and I can not even imagine it.  So the break is permanent, and I am on my own from here on out.  I do not know where I am going, but it will not be far from where I am.

This may come as disappointing news to my friends, because I will not get better, and I will not be able to be a better friend.  I will try though…

This last week have been the rollercoaster ride from Hell, and I just want that to be over so I can figure out what to do now.

Thank you all for reading my Blogs.  I hope to continue to write them.

Follow-Up From Yesterday.

When I went to be last night, I spent about an hour going over my plans to go to Walgreen’s.  I will try to go in about 2+ hours, so I will have to go thru it again… probably 3 or 4 times.

I can visualize the store in my mind.  I can see the isles, and the items on the shelve – sans any writing on them. I can walk down each isle, and see what is around me.

I need to map out my visit.  Where am I going to go first, and what path will I follow?  Where is each item I need?  At what point do I go get my prescriptions at the back of the store?  And most importantly, what do I do if they are out of something – I am only getting things I know then carry.

I visualize the people I who work there, and what to expect from them.  It is all very carefully planned.

And I plan it over, and over, and over, to make sure I have every option covered.  I even plan for changes I might have to make if they are restocking some place, and I have to come back to it.

The plan must be precise, and cover all possible changes that I might have to make.  I also have developed a plan for each item they may not have – what will I get, or use instead?

I takes a lot of time.  All together, I fully expect this trip to take about 6 hours of prep time.

AND: I should get better at this, I am out of practice.  This trip should only take 3-4 hours to plan.

And I Am Sisyphus.

I have, at times this year, made significant progress.  But each time, events have hit me hard, and knocked me back.  I really think that is fairly normal.  I am not fond of this system though.

Now I find myself in a place I have been before… it is familiar.  I have to rethink much of my life, and my goals, and how I could get there.  I have discovered that I have been operating under some misconceptions.  And they could affect just about everything I am.

It has also thrown the breaks on my efforts to do more at home, and find success here, before stretching farther.  It is a plan I developed with the help of my psychologist.  And it was working.

Now I will have to cut way back on those efforts.  I have not been to the grocery store in a couple of months.  Recently, I have known I would not have to do the grocery shopping, and it caused a much bigger reduction in my built up anxiety by the end of the week.

I was doing a lot more at home – especially with my hobbies.  But I was also doing better at my household chores, and even doing things not on my list!  It was getting so good, I found myself without the TV or stereo on much of the time.  I had other, more fun things to do!

It has now been almost 3 weeks since there has been any grocery shopping done here.  I ran out of Guinness over a week ago.  I am scrambling to meet some of my needs.  Fortunately, a local Walgreen’s is one of the places I can go, and I have been able to keep up.

Not any more.  We are now out of the right food for one of our cats.  He pretty much has to eat it.  I have stalled as long as I could, but I still have no idea how to resolve that issue until Wednesday when I have to go out to see my psychiatrist.  I can stop for a couple of things then.  I hope.

So I am now back where I was.  I spent about 4 hours today working very carefully on my plan to go to Walgreen’s tomorrow.  If nothing goes wrong, I should make it just find.  But the result is that I start the week already depleted.  I will not get much done around here this week.  My hobbies will gather dusk.

I have to focus on being able to do different things now.

I am Mentally Tired

Every day is a struggle.  I get that.  Not a problem.  But it wears me out.  I have to talk myself into simple things… like having dinner.  It all takes a lot of energy, and it drains my reserves.  But I know it helps in the long run.  I will feel better for having done things.

Today I am worn out.  I do not have any energy left.  I have been in bed most of the day… just resting, and letting my mind wonder.  I have not been trying to do things, or think about things.  It is nice.

There are things that need to be done, but I simply will not care much about that today.  I need to let myself be lazy, and relax some days.  I may have energy later… but probably not.  I do not see much chance of that.

Tomorrow is Monday – my normal mental day off.  I may still need that too.  And I do not care!

Anyone want to join me?

With Nights Like This, Who Needs Enemas?

Another really bad night.  There is nothing new here… I have a lot of bad nights sleeping.  I have those long nightmares that build up.  I wake up a lot, but the same nightmare picks right back up when I go to sleep.  They go on for hours!

I know I could get up, and do something for a while – that usually breaks the dream.  But then I have to think of something worth getting up for!  The anxiety stops me pretty quickly.  I fall back asleep.

My nightmares?  They almost always involved teaching, even though I retired 13 years ago!!  I might be subbing where I taught – it’s over a 2 hour commute.  Or I am teaching something I have no real training for… or I am just plain doing a horrible job.  Whatever it is, everything goes wrong and it’s all my fault.

Whatever the nightmare is about, I finally get up literally shaking (yes, literally).  It takes hours to calm down.  And it drains so much from me it will be a drag on my energies all day.  Fun times…

There is nothing to do about it… I just have to wait it out.  I should feel better this evening.  Unfortunately, these usually happen 3 or 4 nights a week, so tonight may not be much better.  Though with Lori coming home tomorrow, the odds are in my favor for avoiding the nightmares tonight.

Wish me luck!!  And yes the title is a bad joke.

Alone With My Thoughts…

I am lonely.  I spend virtually all my time alone.  It has been that way for many years.  It’s okay… I have to live like this.  As an agoraphobe, it is difficult to go out at all, and going out to socialize is pretty much out of the question.  I stick to running a few errands to local places I am familiar with.  The people who work in those stores, are the people I socialize with most.  We chat…

But then… I have just about as much fear of people being here in my home.  I feel invaded, and uneasy.  Even talking on the phone takes a toll.  Any conversation can unexpectedly become way to stressful, and I have to get out of it.

I am usually on Facebook, and that is pretty much the limit of what I can do socially – I can’t even do that some of the time.  So I deactivate when my brain is swimming in too many thoughts.

Basically all this means that I am best when I am home alone, with little or no contact with the outside world.  It is what I have to do, not what I want to do.  Normally I make the best of it.  I have been getting better at doing things at home.  I am even enjoying some of my time.

It is not the life I thought I would be living.  Lori helps.  She tries to make home more fun, and pleasant for me.  We can even go out sometimes.  But going out takes a great deal of planning, and so many things can go wrong.  So most trips get cancelled.

I guess there is really nothing new in this Blog, but it seemed to want to be written.  When I let people down because of my phobias, I know I am slowly pushing them away.  Sometimes it is easier for me if I just go ahead and push them away, so I don’t have to spend so much time having anxiety about it.  They are better of that way too.

A Facebook Post……

Many years of teaching, and working with people, and just plain common sense has lead me to several conclusions.

One is that a LOT of the most intelligent "stoners" in high school were stoners because then needed it to reduce their anxiety (I was not one of them).  Today they would get pills, that are not as affective, and have side affects.  Every psychologist, psychiatrist, MD, and OD I have ever asked about it, has said marijuana i…s THE best and most efficient anxiety reducer available (7 total)… PERIOD.

We should all remember that we did not evolve to live in the huge, mobile, and communicating societies we live in now.  Even Biblical societies were much smaller…

So many people today do not fit.  We try… and we are often successful. But over the long haul, we all just sort of burn out. Then we need to find ways to relax, and feel better about life, and the world.

Using “EA” in My Life

Embracing Agoraphobia

It’s a term I started using a few years ago.  I have even Blogged about it in my other Blog.

The idea is that I should accept my agoraphobia as long as it does not stop me from going out when I really need to.  That means I do not even have to even think about going grocery shopping (most weeks).

I even wrote about this a bit in my last Blog.

Now I am seeing that is making a difference in my anxiety levels during the week.  And these last 2 weeks have been a lot easier during the run-up to the weekend.  It is easier to do things at home now.  And it feels very nice.

Now… will that end up hurting me in the long run?  Right now I am not sure.  And I do not really care.  That is something I will think about in a few weeks when my brain has settled down, and my anxieties are lower.  Only then will I actually consider how to slowly push myself out more.

For now, I just need to build up my energies, and lower my average anxiety level.  That will give more successes to help my confidence.  I need this to go on for a while at least.

Implementation

I have been working on so many things for so many years, that it has been hard to keep it all straight!  But since I am taking a break from trying to figure things out, I decided to concentrate more on implementing what I have learned.

Harder than it sounds…

My retrenched position involves not even having to think about having to go out… at least outside of my safe places right here in town.  It does make things easier for me to not have to worry about that.  And that is pretty much what was actually happening anyway.

I am trying to take away some of the weekly anxieties, without actually cutting back much.  I am just drawing a clearer line.  and it does feel a little less stressful already.  Of course… it is far too soon to know anything for sure.

But my goal is to gradually free up some of my energies, and do more small things around home.  Then I hope to start doing even, more as I can.  It seems like a fairly safe plan, and there is not much to lose by trying it.

I have been so lost for so long, I can’t even know if I am going in the right direction!  And I really don’t want to make things any worse.  Would that even be possible?

So I am still here kicking and screaming… so to speak.  It still gets me down, and I have a lot of bad mornings, and evenings… 

I just have to keep going.

Realworlders

That is the secret name depressives use for people who do not suffer from depression.  There is a secret handshake too, but I can not show you that here.

I have written a lot about what depression does, and what it is like… but I am going to turn the tables a bit here, and I have some semi-quasi-pseudo-harsh words for my fell depressives.

Okay people… we all know Realworlders do not understand depression.  And they can not really be expected to.  So it is up to us to convince them that what we have is real.  Most Realworlders do not hear directly about depression from anyone… and most of the rest hear from very few or only one person.

So… time to get up off you butts (when you are not too depressed) and tell people about it!  How can the Normals learn to accept our behaviors if we do not share with the people close to us how we feel!

Now I do not expect a bunch of you to start Blogs or anything, but chime in for cryin’ out loud!  Say “Me too!” sometimes!  If we do not educate the Realworlders, who will??  We have to stand up for each other, and let those other folks know that these are things we do share, and do know about.

And it may be a case of “I am depressive, hear me whimper!” but if that’s all ya got, then let it roar! 

When a Realworlder hears about the debilitating aspects of depression, they may not get it, but if they hear that message repeated enough, from enough different sources, they may get to accept it!

So stand up, and be counted.  Even if you have to do it anonymously… be heard!!!

I Know it is My Fault

Not my mental disorders… they are not my fault.  But when I have conflict with someone, we may both actually be right, but it is my fault.  I understand that I am the one who is not able to follow social norms.

I have become hyper-sensitive to some things.  I usually manage it, but I can be caught off guard.  Then I make mistakes.  All the frustration, anxiety, discouragement, depression, and loneliness has to come out.  I hide… I unfriend people… I yell… I cry… and I sleep.

It is all the worst, because I know it is all my “fault”.

As a result of this and more, I have no friends, no real acquaintances, and no hope of changing that.  But, I have made it this far though!  There is always hope.

I am tired of being in a box, unable to communicate with the outside world.

Surrounded By People Who Do Not Understand

I live in a world outside of yours.  I can not explain what happens in my brain because people don’t get it.  They try to talk me out of it; or convince me to try something else; or any of a number of things that simply show they simple do not understand.

My brain does not work thru things the same way… It’s as if when there is a dog, I see a horse.  I can explain that it’s a horse… I might even know it is not what it looks like.  But no amount of discussion will make me see a dog.  It’s just not going to happen.

What to do?  I don’t know.  Maybe just let me see the damn horse!  I’m not going to try to ride it.  But I have to live with the fact that I see a horse!

Okay… not a great analogy.  But you can not talk someone out of being mentally ill.

People get angry with me because I get so very frustrated that I can not get anyone to understand – except people who already understand because they live there too.  I have lived a life of mind numbing loneliness, and all people want to do is convince me it’s not so bad… or if I try a little harder, and things will be okay.

I live in Hell, and others get upset because I am not treating them fairly!  Only one person in my live has ever treated me as if the way I think is okay – my mother.  And it took us a very long time for us to get to that point.

People think I am slighting them… or ignoring their needs… or that I don’t care.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  But they are clueless about my needs, and belittle them when I bring them up.

Just remember… I am stuck inside me ALL THE TIME!!!

Back Almost Where I was 9 years Ago

Well… I have the meds now, and I know what things will help me deal with anxiety – though I am not allowed to use them unless I am and will be home alone.  But the main problem is that I have absolutely no-one to talk to.  No friends or family that actually understands.

At home I am treated as if all I have to do is try a little harder.  If I do try to help myself, I will invariable fail.  Things that work, are not allowed because they offend.

I do not want to offend… I just want out of this Hell I live in.  Others can not imagine how hard I work every minute of every day.  I need breaks from it.  I need an escape.

I can not imaging starting over with a new psychologist.  I do not have the strength to do it.  Of course, that means I am not trying hard enough.  Magic is the only answer I see here.  Where is Herminie when you need her?

I am like a cat… I always land on my feet.  I will find a way thru this as well.  I just don’t know where it will come from.  Basically, I feel like I am stuck until some new medicine comes along.  It has happened.

My life has always… ALWAYS been about looking forward to some future when things would be better.  There is nothing in my life worth where I am… but there may be some bright day down the road.  So I will keep trying, and…… we’ll see.

Comment Received :: I am told by family and ex- friends to push myself more, do they not think i would if i could without later consequences. I know how i feel but they have no clue how much it takes to stick together every day (typos corrected)

I think all of us experience this.

And A New Stage in My Life Begins

I have lost my psychologist.  I can not go see her anymore.

The specific reasons are not important here.  but after 8 1/2 years, I am on my own.  From every other week to… zip.  I do not know what I will do, but for now at lease, there is no point trying to find someone new.  It is far to upsetting for that.

I am not sure about any of the progress I have made – this feels like it calls everything into question.  I have no idea where to turn.

I have become even more stuck at home.  My anxiety has been running higher recently.  I was going to say “high than normal”… but I have no idea what normal looks like.  So I am afloat in a world I do not understand, and that does not understand me.

Okay… I can pull myself together, and push on forward.  That is about all I can do. 

I will have more to say on this later.