Category Archives: Home etc.

I Get NO Encouragement

I get ZERO encouragement… at home or anywhere.

Lori thinks people have to encourage themselves, be self-motivating. She believes that if I truly want to do something, I can just do it. 25 years we have been together, and it has not changed much. She thinks she is encouraging, but when I try to explain that she is not, and what she could do and say, she just wants to argue that she IS being encouraging.

DEF: If people are NOT encouraged, you are NOT encouraging.

I was a teacher. DEF: If the students are not learning, you are not teaching.

She can’t get that. She thinks the things she does are encouraging… they are to her, so they should be to everyone. But she will also say people DO NOT NEED external encouragement. She will not acknowledge that she gets encouragement all day at work… from her friends… from coworkers… the list goes on and on. But she seems to think none of that actually makes a difference. She has always done things thru her own motivation. It is simple for her.

Btw: She is a regional executive for a very large retailer. She is uber-successful. Everything she touches turns to gold. Master’s Degree. You name it. She has many friends, and travels with them to Vegas – I stay home. I see no encouragement for me to travel.

ANYWAY… enough of that. The point is, I am totally alone in my fight thru life. I have to be completely self-motivated. I have no friends, or family. There is no-one going to try to help me. I have to figure out every step myself. There will be no help accomplishing anything.

But… how is that any different than my entire life? I have never been happy in life.

This life has definitely not been worth the effort. Going on 20 more years like this… the thot makes me cry. And no-one cares.

 

And trump is a moron.  I do not mean to be insulting morons by lumping trump in with them,  sorry.

Three Kinds of Everything

Three kinds of Friends

Friends whose intentions, I understand.

Friends whose intentions I am confused about.

Friends whose intentions I consistently get wrong.    These all tend to overlap.

Why I get them wrong so consistently is a mystery to me. It is as if my brain were wired to make that kind of wrong decision. Or it actually is that my brain is wired to make that kind of wrong decision. At the moment, I can not see a difference. It is just a distinction.

It is also an interesting conundrum.

I am consistently mystified by how people react to things. Most of the time, I know pretty well how people are going to react… until they actually do. Then I am mystified. The only reasons I can see for the error are… negative. And they are almost always reasonably logical… to a point…

But I am even more flustered by my inability to understand who to trust. Nice… huh?

Ultimately, it may not mean anything. Or it could have the golden key to success. Mostly likely, it is somewhere in between… near the middle. But it remains totally unpredictable to me. I may have mentioned, Lori will explain what I did wrong, and I get it… but it still does not make sense. I would still react the same way – wouldn’t everyone? I feel my reactions are every bit as reasonable as everyone else’s… at least so. Perhaps. Right?

At least in this case. Maybe that is advice for next time?… 😉

Did I mention, I can not tell who is which kind of friend? And it can change?? Quickly???

And no-one will understand what the hell is going on. People tend to drift away. And that is totally Normal for them to do! It is rare that I have ever thought the other person responsible. I know I messed up, I just can’t understand how, or why!

There are 3 kinds of people…

People who can count, and people who can’t.

I hate my Life

I don’t understand why people don’t like me.  L*** is my only friend…

I try so hard to figure it out… every day I go over and over it.  I cry about it.

Every day…

I think about the friends I had back in the 1970’s with longing.  They are all long gone from my life.

Every day…

I try to figure out where to look… where to turn for some kind of companionship.  Where do people find friends?  I have no idea.  I thot I had friends when I was teaching, but when I left, I never heard from a single one of them.  Not one email… nothing. 

I wasted 15 years of my life in Seaside, OR.  I came out of it worse than when I started.  Teaching was the worst experience of my life.  I wish I had never left Seattle.

Every day…

I realize it is no use trying.  So I cry.  It’s all I can do.

I don’t know what is wrong with me… though I am sure plenty of people would like to tell me.

I can’t have friends.  Lori knows this.  All I can do is sit here alone, pretending there is some value to the things I try to do.  But accomplishment has no meaning, and nothing really matter anymore.

Every day…

It grinds me down… I don’t eat… I go to bed early and try to sleep till the next day… when I get to do it all again.  It never changes.  Each day I wait for dark so I can go to bed.  the earlier the better.

 Only my cats are my friends.  They like me… they like being around me.  They are all I have.

My opinions used to matter…  people listened, and talked to me.  I ruined all that.  I do not understand how, but I have always ended up alone.  I will die alone, and accomplish nothing.  And I will not be missed.

 So I WILL go softly into night… in my own Hell.

Note: you can all write to L*** now about this.  She at least matters.

 

Can a Gryffindor Live with a Slytherin?

It can be tough at times.  But Lori’s Slytherin training, and contacts have taken her far in the business world.  She has her ways you know.   And she seems to be able to keep a tight reins on her friends and family…

As a Gryffindor, I try to work together with everyone, to make things flow along more smoothly.  Be open and outgoing I always say.

gryffindor_shieldI am not sure about the “evil” part though.  Lori have not been terribly evil most of the time.  Of course… she is gone working a lot.  And she has been known to fire people around Christmas.  So I keep my eyes open.

If only it weren’t a snake…

The Long Slow Road

I am in transition.

I have spent my whole life in almost total fear that I would end up alone. And I usually have been alone. And I do not mean “by myself” – I mean no-one in my life other than Lori.

It is okay… this is where I belong. Over the last year+, I have gradually been pulling away into my whole world. I was on and off Facebook, but never felt the comfort there that I had for years before. It just doesn’t seem to fit into my life just now.

Home is what matters, and that is where I should stay. There are things I can do, and even places I can go. They know me at Nana’s Pub! Do I need more?

This last week, I struggled with a lot of depression. I had too many of those days when I was trying to sleep way too much.

But I am much better now.

I have been meditating and letting my thoughts free-flow. I can relax, and I can adapt. I actually have been adapting to this result for most of my life… I just wasn’t willing to pay attention. Now I am. Now I see the only path ahead.

There can be happiness in my life. I will be 60 in a few months, so it is about time I accept my limitations, and that they mean I can not have close friendships in my life.

I am finally OK with that.

Taking Some Time Off

I have been taking some time away from Blogging (here), as I have been working thru some details of my thoughts. I am closing doors… Doors that were probably only in my imagination anyway.

Any kind of social life if not going to work. But my life here at home, and with Lori, is my social life.

There is a bar, where when I walk in, they start to draw me a Guinness even before I sit done! So I do have a social life. And there’re my kitties.

I did not stop Blogging altogether, I only stopped on my most public Blogs. I have another. It is for my darker thoughts, and my dark side. But there is time to write here as well.

My thoughts have been more private. I needed a smaller audience for a while.

I am settling in.

Trying to Have No Feelings…

I was in Newport this week. I spent a couple of nights at my favorite place. I had one small panic attack – being so far from home. But it was a very nice trip… I read “Goblet of Fire”.

I come home, and have to resume my “normal” life. I don’t really know whether going helps in the long run. But I am not going to worry about that now. The time for that will be before the next trip.

I had some depression earlier today. I can feel it near.

It gets so hard to keep trying to push it away. It’s either that or fighting anxiety. Nice combination.

Everyone has situational anxiety… I am talking about chronic anxiety. Anxiety that exists for no reason. It just is.

My thoughts are kind of meandering. I don’t know how I feel. There are things I need to be doing, but I have no energy.

The Days Get Shorter

I do not mean because of the seasons. There are times when I get tired earlier and earlier. I try to sleep most of the time. Usually when that happens, I don’t really care. I have lost the ability to care.

Sometimes reading helps. Sometimes I just need to let to work thru. I can get up whenever… But I will feel better if I can just let myself deal with the depression… Even nightmarish sleep is better than being up, and having to deal with the world.

There is no knowing how long it will take to feel better. A day, or several days? Mine used to last weeks. Things are better, and I can usually work thru it in one overnight. I’m lucky… most of the time.

Recently they have snuck up on me more… I don’t like that much. I think things are going along well, and suddenly… BAM! I suppose that is not all that new. Maybe it just seems that way because other things are going along better. But if things are going better, then why is things still happening?

Because that is the nature of the beast.

I Failed Thanksgiving

I suppose I really did not really fail.  But I can’t help feeling like I did.  I was unable to attend.  In my own home.  Actually I was there for a while.  But when my anxiety shot up, it was all over.

The sad part is that I am the Turkey Roaster.  I do it every year.  And it really is good.  But we had an unusually large turkey, and when I figured how long it would take in the over, it was too long.  So I changed my cooking plan . The right temperature, at the right time.

Anyway… so I missed out of my own Thanksgiving dinner.

It got worse after everyone left.  I am not sure why, but I think some of my barriers dropped down even more.  I started feeling more.  And it wasn’t fun.

My ability to keep going, and deal with the anxiety ran out.  Sound familiar?

Thanks to help from Lori, I have got much better at not thinking it is a failure.  I did the best I could.  It still doesn’t work totally, but my recovery a lot better than it used to be.  Work on one thing at a time.  And think small.  Anxiety often starts with the smallest thing… so start with how you react to that one thing.

That is an approach my last psychologist and I worked up for me.  One little thing at a time… and the smaller the better actually.  As I gain confidence, I have come to learn that this “failure” was just part of how I have to interact with the world.  So it does not feel as bad.

I still have limits… kinda low ones too.  But I try.

I cannot push myself like I used to.  It’s ok.  Perhaps I simply don’t want to.  Either way, my life has become easier emotionally.  I have come to accept where I am.  At least for now.  None of this means I plan to, or expect to stay here.  But before I can go somewhere, I have to know where I am.  And it helps if I can be at least satisfied with where I am.

Notice: I did not say ‘my limitations’. So I am learning what to expect of myself.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I like candle light… and stained glass lamps.  I keep the light down low.  Those efforts make my office more comforting.  There are 5 cat beds, including 2 on my desk.  I can watch TV. Disks, or streaming… even from our own server with hundreds of choices.  I have dozens of CDs of music I can listen to… and audio books.

I email back and forth with Lori, keep track of the News, and continue my study of the Weather.  I am trying to start writing again… Blogs, Journals and all.  There are plenty of things for me to do.

My anxiety still makes many things more difficult than they should be.  Depression takes a toll.  It’s so easy to just give up, and do nothing.  It happens way too often.  I go thru dozens of mini-struggles everyday… with even the smallest of issues.  And there are days when I am overrun, and fall back into hiding. 

My little world has expanded some — with trips to Newport.  I go there to read.  The hotel has no Internet… no wi-fi-… no TVs, no phones.  No computers… not even at the front desk!  I read.  My next trip I will be in the F. Scott Fitzgerald room.  It has a nice chair by a window, overlooking the beach.  I read.  Last trip I was in the Oscar Wilde room.

I eat at the Irish Pub, and bring home a case of wine.  It is my escape.

Right now it is the most relaxing thing I do.  It is a Beginning.

All this, and it is still just a beginning.

Still Crazy… After All These Months

I do have “a” mental illness…. I am a BDDA – Brain Dysfunction Disordered American.

And I think coming up with that acronym is further evidence of my point. 

As I have aged, I have less energy, and inclination to fight it.  It is easier to go along with the flow of my brain, even though others are put off by it.  I am pretty difficult to deal with.  I think if you dig into it, you would find me worth the effort… but that is not enough.

I have found things that are of great help, and those I will keep doing.  I have done a lot to build my home environment  into what relaxes me most.  I have found a nice little place I can go to get away… and pretty much just read on and on… usually 16-18 hours a day.  Things here are getting better across the board.

I have given up on friendships outside my Home.  I go back to social media, but it will never feel it is as much my place as I had thought it was.  It just takes too much effort to hold things together, and then my mind falls apart just a little, and I have a falling out with the world.  So I am building here at home.

But I am proud to say I am still here… and my home life has never been better than it is right now (though the words after “better” are a bit superfluous).  So I am trying to enjoy this, and build on it.  My mind was never designed to get along with people… at least “normal” people.  I call it CBD – Chaos of the Brain Disorder.  Not going away anytime soon. NOT contagious.

So I keep going, and trying to maintain control.  I try to stay more to myself – yes… even more. 

I do have to thank 2 on-line friends who did reach out, and chat with me.

title from Paul Simon sort of…

Finding Ways to the Center

I am feeling better today.  I am more rested, and my brain is helping out more.  There is still a lot of anxiety hanging around, but there are definite signs of improvement.

HMS_Hood_(51)_-_March_17,_1924Last night was full of nightmares like the night before… though they were not as bad.  And I am doing better this morning too.  Things will be fine.

There are times when I just can not keep up the fight.  The last few days have been one of those times.  It happens.  Usually it is a good sign actually… it means my brain is feeling safe enough to stop pushing so hard.  Or… it means I have completely collapsed.  This time, I can tell from feeling better, it’s the better kind.

Does that make sense?

There are times when I am feeling pretty good, that I can have more anxiety spikes.  My defenses take a lot of effort… not needing them can let anxiety slip thru.  BUT… depression is rarely involved at those times.  I can recover and be just fine.  There are parts of my brain that just want to relax, and turn off.  It does help.

It can look bad to someone else… but the anxiety passes quickly, and things really are good.  It’s all part of the process.  Anxiety is always in the shadows… no matter how well things are going.  I have to go along with the flow, or things will start to get worse… nobody wants that!!

Oh the picture?  That is the HMS Hood.  It has nothing to do with the post.

Waffles with Blueberries and Blueberry Syrup

Waffles-001For some reason, this suddenly sounded very good.  My Mom liked waffles.

I have been thinking today, about the fun things I can have at home.  I have been figuring out some things for my Shop.  I am more focused on my own private life.

And I will be focusing on home life.  There is only one other person I should be thinking about.  I can not make friends.  It does not work for me.  That is not to say I never will be able to have friends… it just means I can’t do it now.

I will focus on my life.  I will not be devoting energy to people outside this home.  I won’t put them off… but I won’t make any efforts.

Actually, this will be very difficult.  There are times when everyone feels the need for company.  I need it too sometimes.  But I can avoid it if I am careful.  There may be times when I can not make my brain work as I wish.

I honestly believe that would be better for me for a while.  There are things to not like about it, but it would be a lot less stressful.  And when I reach out, no-one responds… no-one wants to just talk about it.  It’s okay.  I am probably one of the more difficult people to talk with.  So I end up pushing people away…

There are many details to figure out as I go along.  I can make it work.

AND… I found my car key.

On Being Non-Social

I am not anti-social… I am non-social.

DSCF7224

Here’s an example:: say there was going to be a small garden party at our house.  I would probably be around – I would be there to eat, and maybe a bit more.  I might rather it not happen… but it could be fun for a while. 

So I am not anti-social.  I just have no intention of planning for any such event.  And I can not socialize long before wanting to learn more about someone, and I must not do that.  Like… if I found someone liked photography, then I might think about a photo trip.  But I don’t want to think of that.

So I can wonder off into my office, or my shop… I can reappear when I feel I can.

Is it lonely?  You bet.  But ya gotta take the bad with the good.

And it is not like there is a lack of things for me to have fun with around here – I have a wood shop and metal shop (small), plus my office.  I should be putting my energies into my hobbies… and stuff for Lori!   Smile

AND… I have had this wonderful feeling… as if a great weight had been removed from my shoulders.  I have actually been feeling good!  There will be lots of ups and downs, but aren’t there always??

PS… this Blog was posted accidentally early.

PPS… the photo is at Butchard Garden near Victoria, BC, Canada