Category Archives: Health & Fitness

Most of Us Live in Silence

I have all sorts of mental problems… we all know that by now!  But I am not alone.  The great majority of people like me are hiding in the wings.  They will never set foot on the stage.

I am not sure why I have chosen such a public path.  I know it is no-one’s fault that I am where I am.  And my struggles are not a creation of society… or of myself.  So why do I write about it here on the Internet?  And why don’t more people read it??  I will leave the latter question for others to answer.

As to myself.  I think the answer is somewhere around my need to understand, and to connect.  The connecting with other people part has always been a complex mission for me.  And for so long I did not understand where the problem was – it was me.  More precisely, my weird brain chemistry.

There is no more I can do about the chemistry part, so I have to work in other areas.

But that does not really answer the question either.

I have never seen much of a need to hide my physical, or mental limitations.  But I have kind of gone the complete other direction from hiding.  I know it burns some people out to read all I write.  It seems like a never-ending story.  But at least you guys are not stuck with it all the time!

I wonder about all those other people out there like me.  I have met a few thru this Blog, and discovered a few that I had already known – we get very good at “blending in”.  It helps to know there are others who share my experiences.

I think that is what I am looking for – understanding.  Not just from people how understand by experience, but those who can learn to understand, and accept.  It is as if we live in another world, and we just want human contact like everyone else.

Is that so much to ask?

Just Go Out More!

It has once again been pointed out to me how things would be better if I just went out more.  I wish I had thought of that.  It’s so simple!  Am I cured now?

I can send out the word to all agoraphobics, and people with depression, and anxiety disorders, that all they have to do, is do it!

Inform Nike!

Alone With My Thoughts…

I am lonely.  I spend virtually all my time alone.  It has been that way for many years.  It’s okay… I have to live like this.  As an agoraphobe, it is difficult to go out at all, and going out to socialize is pretty much out of the question.  I stick to running a few errands to local places I am familiar with.  The people who work in those stores, are the people I socialize with most.  We chat…

But then… I have just about as much fear of people being here in my home.  I feel invaded, and uneasy.  Even talking on the phone takes a toll.  Any conversation can unexpectedly become way to stressful, and I have to get out of it.

I am usually on Facebook, and that is pretty much the limit of what I can do socially – I can’t even do that some of the time.  So I deactivate when my brain is swimming in too many thoughts.

Basically all this means that I am best when I am home alone, with little or no contact with the outside world.  It is what I have to do, not what I want to do.  Normally I make the best of it.  I have been getting better at doing things at home.  I am even enjoying some of my time.

It is not the life I thought I would be living.  Lori helps.  She tries to make home more fun, and pleasant for me.  We can even go out sometimes.  But going out takes a great deal of planning, and so many things can go wrong.  So most trips get cancelled.

I guess there is really nothing new in this Blog, but it seemed to want to be written.  When I let people down because of my phobias, I know I am slowly pushing them away.  Sometimes it is easier for me if I just go ahead and push them away, so I don’t have to spend so much time having anxiety about it.  They are better of that way too.

Using “EA” in My Life

Embracing Agoraphobia

It’s a term I started using a few years ago.  I have even Blogged about it in my other Blog.

The idea is that I should accept my agoraphobia as long as it does not stop me from going out when I really need to.  That means I do not even have to even think about going grocery shopping (most weeks).

I even wrote about this a bit in my last Blog.

Now I am seeing that is making a difference in my anxiety levels during the week.  And these last 2 weeks have been a lot easier during the run-up to the weekend.  It is easier to do things at home now.  And it feels very nice.

Now… will that end up hurting me in the long run?  Right now I am not sure.  And I do not really care.  That is something I will think about in a few weeks when my brain has settled down, and my anxieties are lower.  Only then will I actually consider how to slowly push myself out more.

For now, I just need to build up my energies, and lower my average anxiety level.  That will give more successes to help my confidence.  I need this to go on for a while at least.

Implementation

I have been working on so many things for so many years, that it has been hard to keep it all straight!  But since I am taking a break from trying to figure things out, I decided to concentrate more on implementing what I have learned.

Harder than it sounds…

My retrenched position involves not even having to think about having to go out… at least outside of my safe places right here in town.  It does make things easier for me to not have to worry about that.  And that is pretty much what was actually happening anyway.

I am trying to take away some of the weekly anxieties, without actually cutting back much.  I am just drawing a clearer line.  and it does feel a little less stressful already.  Of course… it is far too soon to know anything for sure.

But my goal is to gradually free up some of my energies, and do more small things around home.  Then I hope to start doing even, more as I can.  It seems like a fairly safe plan, and there is not much to lose by trying it.

I have been so lost for so long, I can’t even know if I am going in the right direction!  And I really don’t want to make things any worse.  Would that even be possible?

So I am still here kicking and screaming… so to speak.  It still gets me down, and I have a lot of bad mornings, and evenings… 

I just have to keep going.

And A New Stage in My Life Begins

I have lost my psychologist.  I can not go see her anymore.

The specific reasons are not important here.  but after 8 1/2 years, I am on my own.  From every other week to… zip.  I do not know what I will do, but for now at lease, there is no point trying to find someone new.  It is far to upsetting for that.

I am not sure about any of the progress I have made – this feels like it calls everything into question.  I have no idea where to turn.

I have become even more stuck at home.  My anxiety has been running higher recently.  I was going to say “high than normal”… but I have no idea what normal looks like.  So I am afloat in a world I do not understand, and that does not understand me.

Okay… I can pull myself together, and push on forward.  That is about all I can do. 

I will have more to say on this later.

And They’re Off and Running!

I realized just today, that one of the big problems I have with weekends, is that it’s a race – I need to have fun, before I have depression.  Once the depression starts, it’s all over.

Most times things do go bad it starts with very high anxiety.  That changes your blood chemistry – it’s like that moment when your body goes into Fight or Flight mode.  Except it lasts 10-30 minutes.

After that the body and mind sort of crash.  And suddenly I am totally set up for depression.  It does not always happen!

The nice thing about this blog is that having a better idea of what is happening, makes it easier to find a way of avoiding it!!  In this case, I see I need things to start with having fun – or at lest soon after the anxiety crash.  And it’s not as easy as it sounds!  Everyone would rather have fun!

But I keep inching forward… learning new things that make other things fit together better.  In that way, it’s just like Physics.

This actually came to me while I was commenting on a Facebook post!

Another Weekend Lost…

to Depression.

There is nothing new in this.  It happens most of the time… at least to some extent.   I plan for things.  Almost every week, I have a “plan”.  It’s really more of a hope now.  But there are so many hurdles to get thru.  And one small mistake, and I tip over the edge.

Anxiety, I am better at managing.  Not really good… but better.  With planning, I can usually overcome even strong anxiety.  Like tomorrow I have to take 2 cats to the Vet.  That is only about 5 blocks away.  But I am already having to deal with the anxiety.

But I have never learned how to overcome depression in that way.  My Doctors tell me it can’t be done… not by brut force anyway.  I can sometimes push myself thru my anxiety.  There is a cost, but I can usually do it.  Depression?  Not so much.

The nature of depression takes away all will, caring, all positive emotions, and leaves very little else.  It’s like trying to just overcome a coma.

Nothing matters…

When Worlds Collide

The last few days have seen some great progress… but also some huge set-backs that will totally derail any prospect of improvement in the short term.

I know everything is my fault, and I do not need to hear it anymore.  But it sure would be nice if people understood what I was talking about.

Sessions went GREAT!  Both of them.  Psychologist Wednesday, psychiatrist yesterday (Thursday).  We totally have a plan!!  But it is unworkable because of issues beyond my control.

Fortunately, I have another session Monday.

It’s the “O” in OCD!

Sometimes I see causes to stand up for… and I get a little obsessed with it.  I have to see it thru, and deal with all the little details of it.  I do not think I should give the consequences very much influence in deciding what to fight for.

I know I can get swallowed up in things for a short time.  Sometimes people see ulterior motives in my drive to push some cause… but I think it is the “O” in OCD driving much of what I do.  Or at least how hard I pursue it.

I am more Obsessive than Compulsive.  There are thoughts I have to think… they are called “rituals”.  On my way to get the mail, there is a little speech I have to say to myself… several times.  There are many of these.

The worst issue for me though is that once I have totally thought something out, if anyone raises an issue, or even asks a question, I have to rethink the whole thing.  As a scientist, I know how hard it is to truly know something.  But my OC thoughts drive me to rethink and rethink things well beyond the point of learning anything new.

It once took me 4 months to decide to change our phone plan – the cost was $7 a month.  But I had to be sure.  I am better now.  “Better” being a relative term.

Going over and over things sometimes pulls someone else into the picture – usually Lori – and they usually think what I am doing is crazy… or I must have some other goal in mind.

Nope… it is just one of my many mental disorders.  Anxiety pushes the buttons, and I keep thinking until well after things are over.  Hey… it’s what I do!  I get that people can find it overwhelming.  But I do it with almost everything!  Talk about overwhelming!!!  It can easily lead me into depression.

It is not my favorite thing.

Trying the New Sleep Schedules

This last week, I tried to move onto a different sleep schedule, with varying amounts of success.  Most days I was able to stay up about 10-12 hours, and was then able to sleep.  The problem still comes in when I try to get up.  Sometimes I was able to get up… sometimes not.

It is still the outside world that is giving me problems.  I have been feeling like I need to be up at certain times… at least I feel some internal pressure to.  That means I end up sleeping too long.  I did that just this last night.  I should have got up about 2am, but did not.

it will take a while to get it all to work out.  2 years ago it took me almost a month to finally get into the pattern.  So I will keep trying.  It is just very draining at times. 

I have given myself some small rewards for getting up some days – that has helped too.  So I still have plans, and am still working on it.  Wish me luck!

Sleeping is Not Working

A couple of years ago, I spent several months living a short day.  I think I have non-24 hour Sleep-Wake Syndrome.  Sounds impressive right?  It’s not.  I wrote about this in my other Blog (Agoraphobe Blog) a couple years back – right about this same time.  You can search for it on that Blog if you wish.

What worked best for me was being up about 12-14 hours, and sleeping for about 7.  So my “day” was about 20 hours long.  It meant I was getting up at different times during the day… but it gave me an extra day or two each week.

It worked very well for me.  I was less depressed, had more energy, and got a lot more done.  It was great!

It sort of fell apart because it is so hard to coordinate with the real world.  I gradually shifted back to matching everyone else.  I have only half-heartedly tried it since.  The last year+ I have had too many other issues to work on it.

Now I am trying it again… for the last couple of months I have tried, but failed to sleep a similar schedule. 

The problem has been that I can not get up during the night when I should, and I just go back to sleep – the result is that I am sleeping almost 12 hours a day.  That does not work well.

When I wake up at 3am, I am not tired anymore… but I can not get myself to out of bed.  There is a mental block.  I get upset, and go back to sleep.

I am going to continue to work on it… but I am very discouraged.

Some People Do Not Like the ZERO Anxiety Me…

And I totally get this!!  People get used to a “me” that is subdued and does not stand up much.  Or people get used to some other me.  They want me to be a certain way.

But sometimes I want to feel free.  I want to have no anxiety.  I want to feel free of an anchor hanging on my brain all the time.  There are times when I can truly connect to my intellect.

At those times… I can invision and imagine mathematical concepts that lead me thru complex ideas to some kind of understanding.  There are times when I can see the way to a proof.  It may be a proof of a very small thing.  And it is rarely a vigorous proof.  But it feels good.

More commonly, I can see how simple analogies fold into rather complex problems.  Those analogies can lead to solutions.  They are almost certainly things other people have thought of.  But I feel some accomplishment by figuring them out for myself.  It makes me feel fabulous!!!

Those are good mental accomplishments.  And my thoughts usually go beyond the obvious.  I think of ways to relate to old topics in currently relevant realities.  Does it make my life better?  I do not know… but I KNOW it makes me feel better.

BUT… I can only do those things without anxiety.  I can only free my mind to wander, and explore, when I am free of anxiety.  It is an almost remarkable feeling… but I can not get there even with the lower anxiety I get from my meds.  I want to be free to explore my own thoughts.

For some people IQ matters… I have been asked for the last 30 years what my IQ is, and I have not said… well… 150-8.  OK?  But that is 30+ years old.  Does that make any difference?  And what is IQ anyway???

When I have NO anxiety, I feel the most wonderful freedom to let my mathematical brain go… I can think about very complex concepts in the comfort that nothing will intrude.  Because anxiety is all about intruding.

I can see objects in my mind… and rotate them… and I can imagine 4 dimensional objects.  I can not relate them in the same way… but I can see them.  I design furniture that I can make without a scrap of notes.

But… I am limited by anxiety.  Anxiety destroys my image, and reduces my abilities.  I am sure anyone who understands this kind of anxiety gets it.  If I want to be a real person, I have to find ways to be without anxiety.  Or I am dead.

So on the original question?  Some people prefer the subdued, unsure, and hiding me.  They do not like the me that is free of anxiety.

The Growth of Agoraphobia

It is easy to let agoraphobia grow deeper into our lives.  As I wrote about recently, medication makes it easier to stay home.  As things get more relaxed at home, there is less desire to go out.

Hopefully, less anxiety at home would give me more energy to go out.  But why would I want to do that?  The world outside my door does not have the things I need in my life.  I have reached out for friends, but there are just too many limitations on what I can do.  I’m a mess.

I am better off staying at home.

Social Media can help, but don’t ever confuse it with something that creates real friendships.  On-line friends are as ethereal as the Heavens.  They are not real.  And eventually, they will be gone.  That is the way of it.

Social Media is for sharing good… positive things with people who also want to share good positive things.  If you do not fit into the “happy” mood on-line, you will not be there long.  Trying too hard to fit in will just make things worse.

So my agoraphobia grows, and it will help life become easier… at least in some ways.  I still have to learn how I can go to the grocery store… but I can do a few errands close by home – in town.  I can go on some trips.  I can do all I need here at home.  Why try for more?

My efforts need to revolve around being better able to deal with getting the things done I need to get done, without going out any more than is absolutely necessary.  There are things I can do to make it easier.  First I need to find ways to do the shopping.