Category Archives: Health & Fitness

Fighting Aloneness

WOW!

I picked a huge topic today. but important to many people.

There is a huge emptiness in my life. I am a writer… trying to write a book… it is in my head. I used to have friends I wrote letters with… handwritten! No-one does that anymore. On-line is shallow and fleeting. I struggle to go past our driveway. Being around people is frightening to me. My cats understand me…

Where do I go from here? I have been here a very long time… where do I go?

Trying and Pushing = Brave?

I am at a point in my life, where I have to change what I believe. I have been working on it. I need to change the way my brain inter-relates to the world. No small feat.

Progress is measured in very small increments. I cleaned up a work-space to actually be able to work on something. Why? Because I wanted to. Got a problem with that?

This is not where I thot I would be at this point in my life. I need to teach my brain to want what I have. How does one change so many decades of training? The “slow-motion” PTSD must be rewired. There is no guarantee of success… or even progress. Make what I have work.

Being Brave, is what you do when there aren’t any other options. It is another state of our being. Others will see it in a different light, and will call it “brave”. OK… But it is just us doing what we must do. Especially for the Mentally Ill. We have to be “brave” just to get up in the morning!!!!

I am not truly brave. I am scrambling to survive. The options have narrowed significantly over the last few years. My presence on-line is my only reaching-out place. so here I am.

It is very difficult to reach out to an empty audience… OK… OK… not “empty”. Though I would like to hear more from people. Is this where I remind you all, I have no friends? No? Ok… later.

I am not in point of fact, looking for friends on-line. Friends are people you actually see. Sigh… there is a whole spectrum of “friends”. You can be very close to people you never see… or distant from those you see frequently. But it is more difficult to start with no foundation of brick-and-mortar friends. Not impossible… “It is a consummation devoutly to be wished.”

Hello… my name in Neil.

Is It Abuse?

Is it abuse if my wife uses a known mental illness weakness of mine as a way to make a point, and/or punish me?

The issue is the anxiety I get from not know what is going on, when it directly affects me. I can overload and crash from it easily.

My wife does not like having to keep me informed of her plans. Including, not going to be home for a week. So she withholds informing from me.

Here is current the issue: I have been writing a book for about a year. I have struggled a lot with it. One problem I have consistently have mentioned is that I don’t have someone to read it – Lori knows me too well. Lori is away this weekend with her friends at a resort. I had mentioned that I might print a part of my book for all of them to read. I chickened out.

But… early the first of their 3 days, I emailed her a copy. Almost 24 hours later, even though we had exchanged email on other subjects, she never mentioned my book.

I think that is the kind of thing most people would respond to. You know… an email about getting it? Especially one that gives irrevocable permission for her to share with those friends? Wouldn’t most people say something??

She does not tell me – I think – to prove she shouldn’t have to, and to punish me. I think she is using a known mental illness issue I have, to punish me. What is that called again?

NOTE:  When I told Lori it was upsetting she had not emailed, she literally said… “I thought we were past that.”  She thinks I should just change, if I see the problem in hindsight.  It is a common issue.  Did I mention she has a Master’s in Experimental Phycology?

BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder

Apparently, I am that too. BPD, autism, anxiety, depression, OCD, phobias… is there an end to this list? I know I am leaving off several important names. But this one was just added. J

There are a lot on names for mental illness… the names are mostly for the Nones… people with no mental illness. Nones like to put names on things. Even when they have no idea what the names mean. They are just words. Having something to call it, seems to make it easier for them.

All that aside… when we are talking to Nones, the names help us explain things. They can look those up on the Internet. They might be able to get some kind of understanding, and possible connection. And I am still the same. The names don’t change what I am, or what I have to deal with. Who knows… maybe the names will help me too. But I don’t think so.

Nones live in a different world. Most of them have some kind of little mental tweak. Usually it just comes up as something that irritates their family and friends. They will live their lives in ignorance of anything being amiss. Oh those Nones… they can be a laugh riot!

 

WOW… I just noticed there are people in the foreground of my banner photo.  The subject drowned them out.  In case you do not recognize it, it is the entrance to Auschwitz.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auschwitz_concentration_camp

Every Day is Just One Day

Yesterday… what can I say. I had a bad day.

I couldn’t get up at my normal time because I couldn’t think of anything I could actually do. I got up 6 hours late. But then I went to bed 4 hours early… does that balance out? Maybe not…

Background noise in very important to me. I usually have some show marathoning, that I don’t have to pay too much attention. But the voices, and people talking helps me stay focused. Silence digs at me – though technically there is never silence. I always hear a slight hissing, and constant tones in my ears. Normally it is too soft to hear… It doesn’t bother me… but I digress.

I have these days too often. Usually I get better during the day, but not yesterday. It feels like there is nothing to be happy about – Dementors? – like everything is over… finished and I have nowhere to go. It seems like the world has stopped, and there is nothing for me.

Today will be better. There is no “why” it happened… it just did. Trying to find the cause is usually counterproductive.

Wish me luck! J

I Am Afraid of Dogs

This is particularly strange since I grew up around cats and dogs. But I do not trust dogs. I can not predict how they will behave. Cats, I get. They are quite predictable actually. That is probably because they don’t care how I feel about their behavior. Until I shout!

But… why did I become afraid of them? I am seriously disturbed by dogs… especially if they are free. For a while, I even sometimes carried a pistol to protect myself from dogs. The gun is basically useless against humans, except as a noise maker. But with a dog, I don’t have to wait for it to get too close if it charges.

THAT is how far this phobia advanced. I no longer carry the gun… and yes, I did have a carry permit.

Back to the issue at hand…

Where did this fear come from??

I used to free-climb cliffs in the Olympic National Park… now I am deathly afraid of heights. Where did I get that? It does not make sense to me. But I can NOT walk across a bridge, unless I would be ok if I fell off it. The Deception Pass bridge in Washington is a great example. I had to sit down half way across, and lock my arms around the railing. I can not even watch a TV shot that looks down.

Thinking and writing about it now is greatly increasing my anxiety. Why??

These are things I grew up with! Now I can barely walk down the street.

I used to drive all over the Northwest, and parts of British Columbia, by myself. I slept in the back of my 1967 Datsun PL 411. Beige. I bought it from my Mom. Today… traveling is very problematic. I panic out at the last minute too often – once is too often.

What the Hell???

So much deterioration. Especially over the last five years or so, my abilities have diminished. I like what I can do, but I do wonder what I am missing.

Overall, I am fine with where my life is, and I just want to get better at doing these things. Maybe I will get back to where I was.

Respect

Command respect, don’t Demand respect.

I believe, when I was a teacher, I earned the respect of students. I tried to treat them like adult human beings – when possible. I tried to always hear their thoughts.

That respect is a very nice memory.

Respect faded away as my mental state changed. And I don’t blame anyone for it. I am confident, I would be at least incline to do the same thing… if not for the fact that I know what it is like to feel my mind slipping away. I am on this side now. Some of you know what I mean. Some of you have learned to understand it… even predict it better than I. But there are few of them.

Also… some of you know what I mean because you live it too. No matter how you are different, the result is almost always the same – you are going to end up in a very small circle. More on that later.

The problem I have on Facebook is that I do not have any friends outside FB. Most people have a foundation of friends who will share Facebook with then on that basis… friends. You can not start with FB. You have no support base to make sure you have some good threads going.

What’s that like? Actually I know. When I was first on FB, I had that basis of friends as well.

That was 5 plus years ago. It may not seem like a long time, but it has been a tough 5 years. There were a few times I actually got within days of meeting someone for beers… in each case those people will not even respond to a friend request. My brain does not always process information in the correct way.

The first step of talking about your own mental issues, is getting others to even see it is real. It is not just a behavior flaw. It is not an obsession. It is a mental process flaw. I use the word “flaw” reluctantly. Who is really to say to whom the flaw belongs? Cats can not taste sweet. Is that a flaw?? There are clearly advantages to it.

But alas, I digress…

How do I find Real-World friends without any social contact except FB? No wonder it does not work for me. I need to build respect, but I can not even stay around long enough to make any difference.

Where to Start…

Let’s see… diagnosed by psychologists, and a psychiatrist.

I am somewhere on the Autism spectrum… with symptoms of Asperger’s, in particular I have trouble recognizing people’s emotions. I obsess on tiny topics. I get locked into thought patterns. And I can not always control where that goes.

I also can not deal with unexpected changes. Everything requires so much planning, that changes are a threat. Going out to a place I am comfortable with, takes at least a day of planning.

My Anxiety is usually under control. Two prescriptions (one max dose, one 2x-max dose), pot, and caffeine help, but I still struggle every day. There are periods of uncertainty.

Depression is always near. I can often feel it coming on… lurking…

I have a few Phobias… agoraphobia, and atychiphobia being the most prominent. But I can not compete with Monk.

My brain goes off on tangents resolving all sorts of things – I design a solution for problems I see. I can not, not do it. Even when there is no need. And it can literally bring my mind to a standstill. I can not think anything. Lori has seen it all too many times. It happens every day.

Physically, I am in pretty good shape… other than many joint issues. I lost 40 pounds a few years back, and have kept if off. So not many concerns here. J

I am very good with cats!

61 years and counting… 1st panic attack in 1963… 2nd grade.

Capitulation

I can not relate to anyone.

My latest indulgence in Facebook, has shown me that I have absolutely no confidence in my ability to understand people. I am constantly confused by the simplest comments. And I do realize this will mean even fewer people will respond from fear of saying the wrong thing. I don’t know what to tell you about that.

It is not that they are saying the wrong thing… it’s that I have no idea how to interpret anything from other people. Facebook is too sporadic. People come and go… there is no way of knowing what is going on. Of course, these are thoughts running amok thru my brain. There is just too much anxiety there for me.

P.S. I know I left a few of you out, in the apologies, but I still mean it.

Brain Overload…

The last couple of days has been trying. Tuesday I had a “mental evaluation” appointment in the morning that did not end well. I had a bit of a public melt-down in the lobby… standing there, shaking, and crying, trying to talk to an administrator (or whomever she was)… I could not control myself, and I finally had to leave. I do not actually know how the “evaluation” ended. Officially anyway.

I then had to run an errand taking me to Salem, and then, thru back-roads home, because northbound I-5 was backed up 5 miles! Things did not go much better the rest of the day… oh yes… and there was an election. I crashed out completely in the late afternoon.

Yesterday I was stunned… I felt blank. My brain seemed to be moving very slowly. I got up about 1am upon learning the results of the election. Even though I saw him as the nominee, and possible winner over a year ago, preparing myself for this result was still not enough.

Today… I don’t know.

I am slowly reaching out again. My meds were cut in half back in April, and not restored until September. I am feel much better now. The psychologist Tuesday asked me how many anxiety attacks I have… I said, “So far this hour? 5.” Three or four per hour is about average… and that’s with all my meds. The session went sideways when she also suggested she might recommend reducing my meds unless… Well… let’s just say an out-of-left-field demand that really has nothing to do with my mental issues.

So again, I am going to have to talk with my regular Dr. and make sure he ignores that part of my “evaluation”. We can’t go thru the reduced meds again. It makes both our lives much worse.

I no longer have any confidence in doctors. They always put policy, and their own needs ahead of the patient. At least that has been my experience when it comes to mental health issues.

Socializing is almost impossible. My brain does not interpret people’s emotions properly. I can not recognize things as “neutral”. Even an “ok” will be interpreted as a potential threat, trigger a fight-or-flight response, and send my anxiety shooting up. That’s when I make mistakes. Whereas, my reaction may be appropriate if someone really was threatening me, it’s not so good if they meant nothing at all.

Unfortunately, “no response” does the same thing. When people don’t respond, my brain goes thru the same process. My mind runs thru all sorts of threatening scenarios. You would not believe some for the thots I have. But I can not control them, because I have to respond to the threat… right?

Then I end up alone again. I have been doing it most of my life… with absolutely no way I could ever recognize what was actually happening. Even today, I only learn of my mistakes when Lori explains them to me. Even then… I accept what she is saying even though it does not seem true. I know I would still react the same way under the same circumstances. I would still make the same mistakes.

And I will always make the same mistakes… so everyone is better off with me hiding here in my office.

I Guess that was Wrong

I guess I should not have said that… I am told it will make things worse.

I seem pretty good at finding what makes things worse, but no-one seems to know what I should say. I makes me feel there is nothing I can say. That I have to get used to this life. I should be used to it by now… you’d think.

What should I do? I have problems recognizing threats. My brain interprets anything neutral – like no response at all – as a potential threat. When I don’t hear back, or the response is neutral – like “OK” – my brain signals to prepare for “fight-or-flight”. I feel this horrible fear something is wrong. Did I say something wrong? Are they mad at me? I can’t identify what it is, so fear takes over. sometimes I strike out at things… sometimes I vanish into the woodwork. Think Facebook.

All those reactions make things worse. But I can not see it happening. Lori will point it out after, and I can see her point. But I still feel the same… I would still react the same way. It is not possible for me to see it happening. Later I can always see I have made things worse, but I do not understand why. It’s not easy realizing my own emotions are wrong.

People’s reactions don’t make any sense to me. I do not understand what is happening… fight or flight.

That has always lead me to end up alone. Lori can do only so much. I can’t only talk to one person – but I have not had a conversation with anyone in years. Not more than talking to a store clerk, or the UPS person.

Give me credit for trying. I keep trying. Nothing is easy. I have to recover many times each day… depression and/or anxiety can take over my brain at any time. Dozens of times a day, I have to stop myself, and calm down. I say “It’s okay”… “Calm down”… “Keep going”… and other words of self-encouragement, to myself. It either works, or I crash out.

Mini-crashes are bad… But I do try again… and again. Why? What did Einstein say about doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result?

PS Thanks for the nice comments N.

I hate my Life

I don’t understand why people don’t like me.  L*** is my only friend…

I try so hard to figure it out… every day I go over and over it.  I cry about it.

Every day…

I think about the friends I had back in the 1970’s with longing.  They are all long gone from my life.

Every day…

I try to figure out where to look… where to turn for some kind of companionship.  Where do people find friends?  I have no idea.  I thot I had friends when I was teaching, but when I left, I never heard from a single one of them.  Not one email… nothing. 

I wasted 15 years of my life in Seaside, OR.  I came out of it worse than when I started.  Teaching was the worst experience of my life.  I wish I had never left Seattle.

Every day…

I realize it is no use trying.  So I cry.  It’s all I can do.

I don’t know what is wrong with me… though I am sure plenty of people would like to tell me.

I can’t have friends.  Lori knows this.  All I can do is sit here alone, pretending there is some value to the things I try to do.  But accomplishment has no meaning, and nothing really matter anymore.

Every day…

It grinds me down… I don’t eat… I go to bed early and try to sleep till the next day… when I get to do it all again.  It never changes.  Each day I wait for dark so I can go to bed.  the earlier the better.

 Only my cats are my friends.  They like me… they like being around me.  They are all I have.

My opinions used to matter…  people listened, and talked to me.  I ruined all that.  I do not understand how, but I have always ended up alone.  I will die alone, and accomplish nothing.  And I will not be missed.

 So I WILL go softly into night… in my own Hell.

Note: you can all write to L*** now about this.  She at least matters.

 

“We get better.”

 

Things have not gone well.

But – I still think and feel that things are getting better. And that things will continue to get better over the foreseeable future.

Of course there will be set-backs. And I will have many dark times. But things will get better. And my life will improve.

I know it. 

(in the non-scientific definition of “know”)

Biopsy Results… or Lack Thereof

I had thought today I would be writing about my test results, and how I feel. I can write about how I feel.

This is the 3rd time I have had a canceled appointment. At least with the others I had several days’ notice. To be fair, I canceled 1, because I could not get a call-back to answer some questions about it. They never called back. I left 3 messages.

I need to get this over with, so I rescheduled for Dec. 23rd. Not a great date, but I suppose I need to get it done.

How I am feeling?

There are several things tearing at my mind. One is that I can’t possible have to go thru all this again. The other is that no-one I know has made any comments about all this to me at all. Of course, people I know also know me… so they tend to stay away and not say anything.

Isn’t that what friends are for?

As I have said, I have no friends. No-one reaches out (except B.C.). It has always been that way. People run away when things get tough.

Tomorrow I Get My Biopsy

Tomorrow I go in for a biopsy. The doctor told me the odds, and they seem in my favor. But I understand Math well enough to know that “odds” are just a best guess. They do not mean anything.

I am not even sure I care. It is not like there is some reason why I would like to draw out my life any longer than it has to be.

The Pit is always there beneath me. I can not avoid it. There will be no-one to catch me… or help me up when I fall. I am left to my own devises to find ways out of my problems. I suppose that is how it is supposed to be.

This is not how I ever dreamed the world would be – cold and indifferent. Come… go… we don’t care. Just don’t inconvenience us with sad tales.