Category Archives: Good Things

Moving on…

It has been difficult, but I have moved forward, and am beginning to find what I want to be. And what I want to do. It just won’t involve other people much.

Most of us find ourselves having to reconstruct our lives… the nons evolve, but not in isolation. We have to deal with suddenly discovering your world is not what your thot. Without warning, we find our world gone… and we are alone to rebuild.

I have written about how people who find themselves the victims of mental illness, will find their friends slipping away. Gradually, many of us end up without any direct contact with the outside world. We tend to become “loners” because we are forced to, not because we are driven to. The illness does not make us want to be alone… it makes us want to be understood.

What makes us seem to want to be alone, is that we can’t get people to understand what is happening to us. We can’t just “get over it”, or “move on”. We can learn about our illness, and sometimes find ways to mitigate it. But those problems/mistakes will never go away. We will have to always be on guard for each little sign that something is amiss.

People have said I am brave. It makes me feel good to hear… but I do not think of myself as brave. Is it brave to swim ashore from a sinking boat?

This is where I am.

I need to find a life… a way forward. And I need to do it on my own. It is slow going. But there is progress. In reality, I do thing I know what I want to do with my life. I am struggling to try to make it happen. But there are no other options.

I’ll try to write more about how I am doing towards my goal. I will actually be taking a needed step forward today. It may well make no difference at all. There are still major obstacles. But I have to move forward.

I Am a Cat Person

WOW! …am I ever a cat person…

I understand cats. Predicting their behavior is pretty simple. And I talk to them. Lori rolls her eyes and shakes her head when a cat will do what I say with a simple, calm, quiet command. “Down”… and they will jump down off wherever they are. Lori yells at them 2-3 times before they decide to get down. They understand what I want them to do.

We lost our oldest kitty – Cymbeline – a month ago, at 17. It is still very difficult to think about her. She slept in one of the cat-beds on my desk. There are five cat beds around my office. During the winter, three of them have warming pads. There are often four cats sleeping here.

They are my friends. They are my only friends. Caliban sleeps near me all the time… wherever I go in the house. They each have their own personal ways of accepting commands. But they are always around.

Our backyard has cat-fence so they can’t get out, and others can’t get in. They love it out there. Except Miranda… There are some cat-perches out there.

There are three cats here now.

They are a calming influence in my life. They make it easier to relax. Their positive reaction to me makes me feel better. I take care of them too.

Archery

I started archery at 14.

People knew who I was… I was the first collegiate to win 4 State, and 4 Region championships ever. Freshman thru senior year. I was 9th in the Nation twice. I coached the U of Washington team to a National Championship in 1977. I had taught half the team how to shoot from the beginning. First place mixed-team, Second place women’s team, fourth place men’s team. I had won the Men’s state champion in Washington. I qualified for World Championship team trials. I was known for experimenting with new equipment. I was known.

The next year they wanted a new coach… I was already beginning to break down. I pretty much dropped out of archery… always feeling like an outsider. It never came back.

Archery also injured my shoulders. Rotator-cuff in the right and ligaments in the left. I also messed up my left thumb. I injured my left knee in an accident running. By the time I left Seattle, at 30, I could not even shoot anymore. I tried several times over the next few years. And again about 17 years ago… my body can’t take it.

Now, I shoot 10-meter PCP air-rifle. Like they shoot in the Olympics. It requires the same concentration, but is very different physically. And I can do it inside or in the back yard. I can shoot PCP air-pistol in my office. My father was a “marksman” with pistol and carbine in the Army WW2. He shot a 38 Smith & Wesson revolver… with custom parts. It is all about the kind of concentration required.

I lost all but 2-3 archery friends by the early 1980’s. I lost my last friend just a few years ago. Someone I had been friends with since 1975. That one could recover…

Who Am I?

I live in a nice city in the Willamette Valley of Oregon. I am about 40 miles south of Portland. We love this city – a majority of the population are Hispanic or Russian. People are friendly, and easy to get along with.

I have agoraphobia… somewhere on the spectrum. I can go places I know if I need to. Some things are easier than other. But basically I just go to a few stores, and shops. Plus doctors.

There are hobbies, but individual things I “work” on at home. Photography, and building things. I have a metal and wood shop, plus a work area in my office. I don’t work on things much… anxiety is difficult to deal with. And I get depressed often. Meds help a lot. They reduce my anxiety to a manageable level, and greatly shorten my depressive episodes.

Forty years ago, I was a Nationally known archer… I coached the U of Washington team to a National Championship. I had lots of friends, and traveled all over. Then my life started to fall apart. A year later, I dropped out of college and worked for a few years before going back to finish my degree, and then get my teaching certificate. I taught at Seaside High School for 15 years – all levels of math, but mostly Calculus, and Trigonometry. I also taught Physics every year…

Due to shoulder injuries I had to stop even trying archery back in about 1988. But I had already stopped competitive shooting – 1978. The year it all fell apart.

I was a popular teacher, teaching the hardest two classes at Seaside. 20% of seniors took Physics, and/or Calculus… mostly both. Calculus had 15-18 hours homework per week. And they did it.

We were married while I was still teaching… no-one from the school came. No friends at all came.

Eventually I burned out from teaching, and retired. I moved out of Seaside, and never heard from anyone there again. I have only received a few messages ever, and they were in response. But I have not seen anyone I worked with since then.

We moved again after a year, and are now back in Oregon.

I lost all my friends along the way. I am estranged from what little family I have. My hobbies don’t get me out much, and I am not good in groups anymore anyway. So I don’t get out. Even if I could, where would I go, and how would I deal with people?

Mostly… I just have no family or friends. And I am afraid to trust anyone anyway. Why try?

It’s About Time…

It’s about Space, about two men in a crazy place. This’s the tale of their great cruse… and thru the barrier of time they flew… SING ALONG!!! Really… no-one?

Time wounds all heals… it also heals all wounds. Here I am at 61 and still trying… still communicating… and still working at figgerin’ out what the hell is going on!

“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken.”
Oliver Cromwell

Literally the best words to live by I have ever read. You might be wrong about how bad things are… just as they are wrong about you. You also might be wrong about how right you are… or not. They are equally possible.

Never give up.

There are always ups and downs. And it may at times seem like the ups aren’t as good. Maybe they aren’t… but maybe they just seem so because they are different. Different scares me. So there could be a bias. Maybe the ups are better, but they be completely from a new direction. Look for those highs that take a bit to recognize. It may just be in a form you never expected.

Things are a lot more like they used to be, than they are today.

So… What Next?

I have written some blogs describing my situation. And of course there is going to be more on that later, but for now it is time to ask what next?

I am getting more comfortable in my life at home. Things feel more like they should… it is hard to describe what I mean, suffice it to say it just feels more like home.

There has been improvement in ability to do things. Including writing these blogs. I am feeling like there is not as much anxiety blocking me from doing things as there was three months ago. After a couple of months on my right prescriptions I now feel ready to push myself a little more to try to get more things done. Then I think I can be successful about it.

Right now, those activities here at home are the center of my focus. I want to start having more fun. I have begun shooting 10 m air rifle, and it has a lot of the same characteristics as archery. I like the intense concentration of it. Learning and repeating the same steps over and over. It is giving me a new direction – or rather an old direction renewed – for my thoughts. It is relaxing, in that all other thoughts have to get pushed aside. You just have to concentrate on one thing.

So right there is something new that I am doing here at home.

My long-range goal from this, is to build up enough confidence to have visitors, and eventually to make it easier for me to go out. It is a very long process and has had many stops and starts along the way. But overall I think I am making some progress, even while I feel like I know less about what is going on around me.

New Things? Or Missed?

Every thought of mine, includes the potential there is something new, I don’t know … or something I have missed. I have these loop-around thoughts that keep rechecking everything I have written… everything I do. It’s an OC thing. Sometimes the re-evaluation runs rampant, and completely overwhelms me.

But then… there are those times when it leads me to new knowledge about myself. It’s not like a light bulb coming on… it takes a while to sink in. I have to look all around it. I have to understand what it means. And if I can do anything about it… sometimes it’s just not that big a deal. So what if the volume is always at an even number. It does not diminish my life. I will not spend time or effort trying to extinguish it.

Sometimes… it turns out to be very important. These can build up, to create new opportunities for me… even if small. Over time, I have found how to avoid things, or the outcome of those things… other than just avoidance. I’m back here aren’t I?

The process has been very slow. I have made a lot of mistakes along the way that have hurt my chances. But I really have got better!

I still lack the motivation to do things. Many days, I do very little. My motivation has gradually slipped away over the years. I haven’t got very far on this one. I think I am better … but I am nowhere near satisfied.

Soooo…I keep paying attention to those little things, and looking for what I may have missed… or what might be new. It is my own little spiral curriculum!

My Interests, and Hobbies

My Hobbies:

I have been interested in photography since I was a child. I don’t get around to printing much though.

As long as I can remember, I have loved building models… and just about anything. I even have a jeweler’s rotary tool for slow cutting plastic without melting it. And I make parts from scratch.

I have a metal lathe and mill, and table saw, and all. I like to design and make things. I can do very complex designs completely in my head. I can calculate any dimension in a moment… when I need it.

Shakespeare, and other Live theater. That’s why I can still go to Ashland. I have seen a theater half full of high school students watching Midsummer Night’s Dream… totally enthralled, and laughing hysterically. We heard kids say they never knew Shakespeare was like that.

Formula 1 racing. World championship auto racing– NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon says he is not serious enough about racing to ever race F-1. He has driven an F-1 car.

Recently I have been enjoying updating my 1994 Honda del Sol. I have changed all the front lights, and installed a new, more efficient air-intake. Soon there will be a new 4-2-1 exhaust manifold. I want the car to stop wasting energy on pulling in air, and pushing it out. (I do know you can’t “pull” air, but it’s easier to say than to get into a pressure-differential discussion). The new carpeting is great too!

Writing is probably the most important. It is my best way of expressing my visions… whether it’s journaling, or fiction. I have started writing a book called “Elnor”. But I stall out way too often. It is a very complex story… creating a new society that functions differently than ours in many ways.

And recently I have taken up shooting – Air-rifle shooting at 10m – like in the Olympics. I had to give up archery long ago because my left shoulder could not hold up a bow. My Walther puts the weight down on my shoulder instead in it being pushed in. If that makes sense.

My Interests:

My mother taught me to be interested in all things… and I pretty much am.

Oh yes… and cats.

AND once a common nickname for detective was “gum-shoe”.

Can a Gryffindor Live with a Slytherin?

It can be tough at times.  But Lori’s Slytherin training, and contacts have taken her far in the business world.  She has her ways you know.   And she seems to be able to keep a tight reins on her friends and family…

As a Gryffindor, I try to work together with everyone, to make things flow along more smoothly.  Be open and outgoing I always say.

gryffindor_shieldI am not sure about the “evil” part though.  Lori have not been terribly evil most of the time.  Of course… she is gone working a lot.  And she has been known to fire people around Christmas.  So I keep my eyes open.

If only it weren’t a snake…

The Long Slow Road

I am in transition.

I have spent my whole life in almost total fear that I would end up alone. And I usually have been alone. And I do not mean “by myself” – I mean no-one in my life other than Lori.

It is okay… this is where I belong. Over the last year+, I have gradually been pulling away into my whole world. I was on and off Facebook, but never felt the comfort there that I had for years before. It just doesn’t seem to fit into my life just now.

Home is what matters, and that is where I should stay. There are things I can do, and even places I can go. They know me at Nana’s Pub! Do I need more?

This last week, I struggled with a lot of depression. I had too many of those days when I was trying to sleep way too much.

But I am much better now.

I have been meditating and letting my thoughts free-flow. I can relax, and I can adapt. I actually have been adapting to this result for most of my life… I just wasn’t willing to pay attention. Now I am. Now I see the only path ahead.

There can be happiness in my life. I will be 60 in a few months, so it is about time I accept my limitations, and that they mean I can not have close friendships in my life.

I am finally OK with that.

“We get better.”

 

Things have not gone well.

But – I still think and feel that things are getting better. And that things will continue to get better over the foreseeable future.

Of course there will be set-backs. And I will have many dark times. But things will get better. And my life will improve.

I know it. 

(in the non-scientific definition of “know”)

I used to Keep a Journal

In 2013, I completed about 17 journals. I was doing a lot of writing. So far this year, I have written… maybe 1. I am not sure why I stopped. But it happened in just a couple of weeks.

I have not wanted to try to figure out what happened, but for some reason it just didn’t matter anymore. Since then, I have tried starting up again… it only lasts a few days. I have only written a few pages in the last 6 months.

Writing was therapeutic. It helped me organize my thoughts towards understanding where the hell I was. It stopped helping. I think it’s important to understand why.

Before the internet, I used to write letters. Long letters. People don’t write letters anymore. It’s a little sad. Writing is more personal, and more expressive. Here, I have plain, bold, italic… but every word I write carries its own expression. That’s also why I like fountain pens.

When I write, the word flows out of my pen. The loops vary… the width of the line varies. There is emotion in every movement of the pen. The same word will vary in appearance in different parts of the same writing – emotion changes and flows.

A keyboard can never do that.

Sometimes Meds Help… For Some People

I use medications to help me feel better.  I have been lucky in that I have generally had good results… but not always.  I had real problems with one med I tried a couple of years ago.  Now my meds help a lot – more than I can even know.

Not everyone has been so fortunate.  Some have bad experiences with their meds… some to the point of going off them entirely.  And it may be nothing would help… everyone has different chemistry.

But with meds, or without… life is still a struggle.  Our normal brain chemistry changes throughout the day… meds don’t.  So they do not help as much with the ups and downs of everyday life.  There are times when I am not even sure the meds work.  The ups and downs are not self-correcting, I am on my own.

However we work our way thru the days, there are still those ups and downs to deal with.  We have to be constantly aware of our own moods, and how our environment can cause change so quickly.  One minute we feel fine, the next we are sliding into a deep depression.  It just happens.

I understand. I share the pain.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I like candle light… and stained glass lamps.  I keep the light down low.  Those efforts make my office more comforting.  There are 5 cat beds, including 2 on my desk.  I can watch TV. Disks, or streaming… even from our own server with hundreds of choices.  I have dozens of CDs of music I can listen to… and audio books.

I email back and forth with Lori, keep track of the News, and continue my study of the Weather.  I am trying to start writing again… Blogs, Journals and all.  There are plenty of things for me to do.

My anxiety still makes many things more difficult than they should be.  Depression takes a toll.  It’s so easy to just give up, and do nothing.  It happens way too often.  I go thru dozens of mini-struggles everyday… with even the smallest of issues.  And there are days when I am overrun, and fall back into hiding. 

My little world has expanded some — with trips to Newport.  I go there to read.  The hotel has no Internet… no wi-fi-… no TVs, no phones.  No computers… not even at the front desk!  I read.  My next trip I will be in the F. Scott Fitzgerald room.  It has a nice chair by a window, overlooking the beach.  I read.  Last trip I was in the Oscar Wilde room.

I eat at the Irish Pub, and bring home a case of wine.  It is my escape.

Right now it is the most relaxing thing I do.  It is a Beginning.

All this, and it is still just a beginning.