Category Archives: Bad Things

Every Day is Picket’s Charge

There is a wonderful point in an Al Stewart song (Three Mules), where he refers to Picket’s Charge. It is in the context of being in a position where it is impossible to not go forward… even if it means disaster.

The Charge of the Light Brigade is another example. People in a no-win situation, who end up doing what they “need” to do… even knowing it leads to disaster.

Eat Drink and be Merry, for tomorrow we die.

Every day is Picket’s Charge in my life. Or at least it has that potential. When your brain does not work quite the same way, you find yourself having to go into situations you know will lead to a draining experience, that will leave you incapable of doing anything for days.

Every day carries the potential of devastating loss… Each new day brings the chance of complete collapse… because I have no way of knowing how my brain affects my perceptions. I can not tell where I might be right, or where I might be wrong. There is no way I can trust my own judgement.

So every human interaction I have, carries the very real possibility of emotional disaster. Perhaps a complete collapse. I can never know.

Every day, I know that. With every decision. The effort is often overwhelming, and it goes nowhere. I give up more easily. But my fear is nevertheless real as well. My brain can crash… there are real consequences.

Every day is Picket’s Charge… or could be.

BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder

Apparently, I am that too. BPD, autism, anxiety, depression, OCD, phobias… is there an end to this list? I know I am leaving off several important names. But this one was just added. J

There are a lot on names for mental illness… the names are mostly for the Nones… people with no mental illness. Nones like to put names on things. Even when they have no idea what the names mean. They are just words. Having something to call it, seems to make it easier for them.

All that aside… when we are talking to Nones, the names help us explain things. They can look those up on the Internet. They might be able to get some kind of understanding, and possible connection. And I am still the same. The names don’t change what I am, or what I have to deal with. Who knows… maybe the names will help me too. But I don’t think so.

Nones live in a different world. Most of them have some kind of little mental tweak. Usually it just comes up as something that irritates their family and friends. They will live their lives in ignorance of anything being amiss. Oh those Nones… they can be a laugh riot!

 

WOW… I just noticed there are people in the foreground of my banner photo.  The subject drowned them out.  In case you do not recognize it, it is the entrance to Auschwitz.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auschwitz_concentration_camp

I Screw Up Everything

I can not do anything right. I sit all day trying to keep going. But why? It just means more and more of the same. I will never be happy. I keep trying things to get myself going, but the basic problem is that I just don’t care. Nothing matters. Many things get started, but nothing is ever finished.

I have been a complete failure all my life… just ask my sibling. I have been a constant failure.

When my wife asked my sibling if there was anything I was good at… the response was that I was “sometimes” a good teacher.  That is all.  I have heard it all my life…

And So It Was…

This has got worse. That is partly why it has been so difficult to write – or do anything. But next week will be the 25th anniversary of our first date, and we are now emotionally separated. It is a hollow relationship. I think we still like each other… and share a few interests.

I suppose it is all the fault of my various mental issues. At least that is the obvious explanation. I don’t have family, and I don’t have friends. Except you guys!

This is a difficult time… my hands are shaking. Try to be supportive?

Does anyone write actual letters anymore?

I Get NO Encouragement

I get ZERO encouragement… at home or anywhere.

Lori thinks people have to encourage themselves, be self-motivating. She believes that if I truly want to do something, I can just do it. 25 years we have been together, and it has not changed much. She thinks she is encouraging, but when I try to explain that she is not, and what she could do and say, she just wants to argue that she IS being encouraging.

DEF: If people are NOT encouraged, you are NOT encouraging.

I was a teacher. DEF: If the students are not learning, you are not teaching.

She can’t get that. She thinks the things she does are encouraging… they are to her, so they should be to everyone. But she will also say people DO NOT NEED external encouragement. She will not acknowledge that she gets encouragement all day at work… from her friends… from coworkers… the list goes on and on. But she seems to think none of that actually makes a difference. She has always done things thru her own motivation. It is simple for her.

Btw: She is a regional executive for a very large retailer. She is uber-successful. Everything she touches turns to gold. Master’s Degree. You name it. She has many friends, and travels with them to Vegas – I stay home. I see no encouragement for me to travel.

ANYWAY… enough of that. The point is, I am totally alone in my fight thru life. I have to be completely self-motivated. I have no friends, or family. There is no-one going to try to help me. I have to figure out every step myself. There will be no help accomplishing anything.

But… how is that any different than my entire life? I have never been happy in life.

This life has definitely not been worth the effort. Going on 20 more years like this… the thot makes me cry. And no-one cares.

 

And trump is a moron.  I do not mean to be insulting morons by lumping trump in with them,  sorry.

2017… Already?

No… I am not ready… even 10 days in.

How many times a day do you have to stop, and tell yourself `things are ok’? It gets tiring to almost constantly reassure myself. ‘Keep going… everything is ok’… I say to myself. ‘You’re ok”… on and on.

So it does not come as a surprise that I can not get much done. I spend much of my time trying to figure out what I can do, and what I care enough about. Some days I do not get anything done… some days I just can not get going.

Today, I will try to do a couple of things for myself… of course, there is a lot more to be done around the house, but sometimes I want to have fun… I want to enjoy my time. But I have to work too hard most days. It becomes overwhelming, and I often go to bed early. I am sleeping away my life.

Nothing seems to matter. It does not matter what I do, if I have no-one to share it with. I really do not know what to make of it all. Some days I do okay, and some days I sleep 18 hours. I really do hate it, but I get so tired of fighting. And there are few rewards for being successful. It just means I will have to do it all again tomorrow. Mondays are the worst – it reminds me of a whole week lost. They add up to years lost.

I guess I am not doing so well today. I will keep trying… what else could I do? Or… today may turn out to be a good day. There is no knowing. My moods can turn quickly when something goes wrong. And let’s face it, things go wrong. If only things going right would have as great an affect.

I seem to be not very positive today. it happens.

Where to Start…

Let’s see… diagnosed by psychologists, and a psychiatrist.

I am somewhere on the Autism spectrum… with symptoms of Asperger’s, in particular I have trouble recognizing people’s emotions. I obsess on tiny topics. I get locked into thought patterns. And I can not always control where that goes.

I also can not deal with unexpected changes. Everything requires so much planning, that changes are a threat. Going out to a place I am comfortable with, takes at least a day of planning.

My Anxiety is usually under control. Two prescriptions (one max dose, one 2x-max dose), pot, and caffeine help, but I still struggle every day. There are periods of uncertainty.

Depression is always near. I can often feel it coming on… lurking…

I have a few Phobias… agoraphobia, and atychiphobia being the most prominent. But I can not compete with Monk.

My brain goes off on tangents resolving all sorts of things – I design a solution for problems I see. I can not, not do it. Even when there is no need. And it can literally bring my mind to a standstill. I can not think anything. Lori has seen it all too many times. It happens every day.

Physically, I am in pretty good shape… other than many joint issues. I lost 40 pounds a few years back, and have kept if off. So not many concerns here. J

I am very good with cats!

61 years and counting… 1st panic attack in 1963… 2nd grade.

Why Bother?

Why do I bother writing?

It used to be helpful… it helped me figure things out. I don’t write much anymore… I cry instead.

There is no-one to write to. Nothing to write about. Nothing ever changes, so all I can do I write the same things over and over. What I say does not matter anymore. I was a teacher… but there is nothing left to teach, and nothing to learn.

This is my life. I struggle to get up in the morning. I fight to keep going thru tears and desperation. Sometimes I eat, sometimes not. I try to watch something to distract me, but it doesn’t always work. There is nothing worth doing. Only my kitties keep me going.

I live in an almost constant state a despair. Constantly trying to find a way out. There is no way out.

Every day is the same. Every Monday I see another week has slipped thru my fingers. One week less time to find a solution. There is none.

Capitulation

I can not relate to anyone.

My latest indulgence in Facebook, has shown me that I have absolutely no confidence in my ability to understand people. I am constantly confused by the simplest comments. And I do realize this will mean even fewer people will respond from fear of saying the wrong thing. I don’t know what to tell you about that.

It is not that they are saying the wrong thing… it’s that I have no idea how to interpret anything from other people. Facebook is too sporadic. People come and go… there is no way of knowing what is going on. Of course, these are thoughts running amok thru my brain. There is just too much anxiety there for me.

P.S. I know I left a few of you out, in the apologies, but I still mean it.

A Test in Reality

I understand the process that makes my brain go in such interesting directions. But I can not predict it… I can not see it happening… I can not even see it in hind sight. If you think you saw a green car, no amount of inner thought can change it. Only further examination could determine it was actually blue. Only when it is pointed out to me, can I see there was perhaps a mistake.

I say “perhaps” because it will always seem to me as if I did the correct thing the first time. Intellectually, I see that it was indeed in error. There is no dissonance here because there seems to be no connection between the two. I know how I felt, and I know what probably happened… they feel like two entirely different events. So I can live with both perceptions.

Perception is not reality.

Knowing all this is nice, but doesn’t do anything to help. Since I know I can not always trust my reactions and I will still react as I do, I am left walking a mine field. And the mines are very interesting, because I don’t even notice the explosion. Everyone else will probably think the booming blast, and shrapnel are pretty obvious… while I think all is as it should be.

Any time I try to be social, I start setting off mines… walking along not noticing anything wrong, I don’t see the rubble building up behind me. By the time I put the pieces together, the damage is long since past. There is nothing to be done for it.

So I have no social life. And I get extremely anxious when I have to be around people… especially people I do not know. And since my brain does not work properly, do I really know anyone???

Living in Neutral

I live in a neutral world. My environment is almost entirely neutral. Without interaction, I have no measure in reality. There is no validation, or critical-help. There is just neutral.

Things I perceive as neutral, are a potential threat. Starting with no particular feeling one way or the other, the thought of doing anything is met as a potential threat. Things could get worse. I could fail. And I am my only judge, so I perceive the danger of failing to be greater than the potential reward. Sometimes it fades away, and I can do things again. Sometimes I can never get past the potential for failure – which is a threat.

Quite the conundrum.

Gradually, anything I might want to do will fade away. My brain will gradually cut all ties… another project unfinished. And hobby left sitting. And just one more book left unwritten. It does not really matter. A thousand years from now, very few people alive will be able to name anyone from our era. So what does it matter?

I get along fine.

The only thing that changes, is the date.