Category Archives: anxiety

Moving on…

It has been difficult, but I have moved forward, and am beginning to find what I want to be. And what I want to do. It just won’t involve other people much.

Most of us find ourselves having to reconstruct our lives… the nons evolve, but not in isolation. We have to deal with suddenly discovering your world is not what your thot. Without warning, we find our world gone… and we are alone to rebuild.

I have written about how people who find themselves the victims of mental illness, will find their friends slipping away. Gradually, many of us end up without any direct contact with the outside world. We tend to become “loners” because we are forced to, not because we are driven to. The illness does not make us want to be alone… it makes us want to be understood.

What makes us seem to want to be alone, is that we can’t get people to understand what is happening to us. We can’t just “get over it”, or “move on”. We can learn about our illness, and sometimes find ways to mitigate it. But those problems/mistakes will never go away. We will have to always be on guard for each little sign that something is amiss.

People have said I am brave. It makes me feel good to hear… but I do not think of myself as brave. Is it brave to swim ashore from a sinking boat?

This is where I am.

I need to find a life… a way forward. And I need to do it on my own. It is slow going. But there is progress. In reality, I do thing I know what I want to do with my life. I am struggling to try to make it happen. But there are no other options.

I’ll try to write more about how I am doing towards my goal. I will actually be taking a needed step forward today. It may well make no difference at all. There are still major obstacles. But I have to move forward.

Non-Traveling Guy

My travel has gradually diminished to nothing. There is no-one to encourage me to go. I am on my own in figuring out how to work past my fears… phobias. Even remaining people close, have given up trying. I will not be trying.

Putting effort into travel is virtually guaranteed to be lost effort. And one more failure. I can’t do much by myself. I will only put energy into things here at home.

That has been the de-facto situation for a couple of years at least. But has been recently confirmed. I need to move on.

I Am a Cat Person

WOW! …am I ever a cat person…

I understand cats. Predicting their behavior is pretty simple. And I talk to them. Lori rolls her eyes and shakes her head when a cat will do what I say with a simple, calm, quiet command. “Down”… and they will jump down off wherever they are. Lori yells at them 2-3 times before they decide to get down. They understand what I want them to do.

We lost our oldest kitty – Cymbeline – a month ago, at 17. It is still very difficult to think about her. She slept in one of the cat-beds on my desk. There are five cat beds around my office. During the winter, three of them have warming pads. There are often four cats sleeping here.

They are my friends. They are my only friends. Caliban sleeps near me all the time… wherever I go in the house. They each have their own personal ways of accepting commands. But they are always around.

Our backyard has cat-fence so they can’t get out, and others can’t get in. They love it out there. Except Miranda… There are some cat-perches out there.

There are three cats here now.

They are a calming influence in my life. They make it easier to relax. Their positive reaction to me makes me feel better. I take care of them too.

Archery

I started archery at 14.

People knew who I was… I was the first collegiate to win 4 State, and 4 Region championships ever. Freshman thru senior year. I was 9th in the Nation twice. I coached the U of Washington team to a National Championship in 1977. I had taught half the team how to shoot from the beginning. First place mixed-team, Second place women’s team, fourth place men’s team. I had won the Men’s state champion in Washington. I qualified for World Championship team trials. I was known for experimenting with new equipment. I was known.

The next year they wanted a new coach… I was already beginning to break down. I pretty much dropped out of archery… always feeling like an outsider. It never came back.

Archery also injured my shoulders. Rotator-cuff in the right and ligaments in the left. I also messed up my left thumb. I injured my left knee in an accident running. By the time I left Seattle, at 30, I could not even shoot anymore. I tried several times over the next few years. And again about 17 years ago… my body can’t take it.

Now, I shoot 10-meter PCP air-rifle. Like they shoot in the Olympics. It requires the same concentration, but is very different physically. And I can do it inside or in the back yard. I can shoot PCP air-pistol in my office. My father was a “marksman” with pistol and carbine in the Army WW2. He shot a 38 Smith & Wesson revolver… with custom parts. It is all about the kind of concentration required.

I lost all but 2-3 archery friends by the early 1980’s. I lost my last friend just a few years ago. Someone I had been friends with since 1975. That one could recover…

Who Am I?

I live in a nice city in the Willamette Valley of Oregon. I am about 40 miles south of Portland. We love this city – a majority of the population are Hispanic or Russian. People are friendly, and easy to get along with.

I have agoraphobia… somewhere on the spectrum. I can go places I know if I need to. Some things are easier than other. But basically I just go to a few stores, and shops. Plus doctors.

There are hobbies, but individual things I “work” on at home. Photography, and building things. I have a metal and wood shop, plus a work area in my office. I don’t work on things much… anxiety is difficult to deal with. And I get depressed often. Meds help a lot. They reduce my anxiety to a manageable level, and greatly shorten my depressive episodes.

Forty years ago, I was a Nationally known archer… I coached the U of Washington team to a National Championship. I had lots of friends, and traveled all over. Then my life started to fall apart. A year later, I dropped out of college and worked for a few years before going back to finish my degree, and then get my teaching certificate. I taught at Seaside High School for 15 years – all levels of math, but mostly Calculus, and Trigonometry. I also taught Physics every year…

Due to shoulder injuries I had to stop even trying archery back in about 1988. But I had already stopped competitive shooting – 1978. The year it all fell apart.

I was a popular teacher, teaching the hardest two classes at Seaside. 20% of seniors took Physics, and/or Calculus… mostly both. Calculus had 15-18 hours homework per week. And they did it.

We were married while I was still teaching… no-one from the school came. No friends at all came.

Eventually I burned out from teaching, and retired. I moved out of Seaside, and never heard from anyone there again. I have only received a few messages ever, and they were in response. But I have not seen anyone I worked with since then.

We moved again after a year, and are now back in Oregon.

I lost all my friends along the way. I am estranged from what little family I have. My hobbies don’t get me out much, and I am not good in groups anymore anyway. So I don’t get out. Even if I could, where would I go, and how would I deal with people?

Mostly… I just have no family or friends. And I am afraid to trust anyone anyway. Why try?

Fighting Aloneness

WOW!

I picked a huge topic today. but important to many people.

There is a huge emptiness in my life. I am a writer… trying to write a book… it is in my head. I used to have friends I wrote letters with… handwritten! No-one does that anymore. On-line is shallow and fleeting. I struggle to go past our driveway. Being around people is frightening to me. My cats understand me…

Where do I go from here? I have been here a very long time… where do I go?

Finding Social Contact

This has been my Achilles Heal. Having lost all my friends years ago… decades ago… how do I get started? What should I do? No-one I know has any ideas.

On-line is nice sometimes. I write Blogs occasionally. And sometimes I am on Facebook. But you can’t really make new friends there. It is nice sometimes… it also reminds me how alone I am. There are many conflicts.

I have always got along well with people in person. I can be oddly humorous. The effort can overwhelm me… and it is easy to give up. Then I am on my own. That is where I often make mistakes. Over the long haul, it just does not seem worth the effort.

It is time to go silent again for a while.

Trying and Pushing = Brave?

I am at a point in my life, where I have to change what I believe. I have been working on it. I need to change the way my brain inter-relates to the world. No small feat.

Progress is measured in very small increments. I cleaned up a work-space to actually be able to work on something. Why? Because I wanted to. Got a problem with that?

This is not where I thot I would be at this point in my life. I need to teach my brain to want what I have. How does one change so many decades of training? The “slow-motion” PTSD must be rewired. There is no guarantee of success… or even progress. Make what I have work.

Being Brave, is what you do when there aren’t any other options. It is another state of our being. Others will see it in a different light, and will call it “brave”. OK… But it is just us doing what we must do. Especially for the Mentally Ill. We have to be “brave” just to get up in the morning!!!!

I am not truly brave. I am scrambling to survive. The options have narrowed significantly over the last few years. My presence on-line is my only reaching-out place. so here I am.

It is very difficult to reach out to an empty audience… OK… OK… not “empty”. Though I would like to hear more from people. Is this where I remind you all, I have no friends? No? Ok… later.

I am not in point of fact, looking for friends on-line. Friends are people you actually see. Sigh… there is a whole spectrum of “friends”. You can be very close to people you never see… or distant from those you see frequently. But it is more difficult to start with no foundation of brick-and-mortar friends. Not impossible… “It is a consummation devoutly to be wished.”

Hello… my name in Neil.

Every Day is Picket’s Charge

There is a wonderful point in an Al Stewart song (Three Mules), where he refers to Picket’s Charge. It is in the context of being in a position where it is impossible to not go forward… even if it means disaster.

The Charge of the Light Brigade is another example. People in a no-win situation, who end up doing what they “need” to do… even knowing it leads to disaster.

Eat Drink and be Merry, for tomorrow we die.

Every day is Picket’s Charge in my life. Or at least it has that potential. When your brain does not work quite the same way, you find yourself having to go into situations you know will lead to a draining experience, that will leave you incapable of doing anything for days.

Every day carries the potential of devastating loss… Each new day brings the chance of complete collapse… because I have no way of knowing how my brain affects my perceptions. I can not tell where I might be right, or where I might be wrong. There is no way I can trust my own judgement.

So every human interaction I have, carries the very real possibility of emotional disaster. Perhaps a complete collapse. I can never know.

Every day, I know that. With every decision. The effort is often overwhelming, and it goes nowhere. I give up more easily. But my fear is nevertheless real as well. My brain can crash… there are real consequences.

Every day is Picket’s Charge… or could be.

Going Private

This Blog is going PRIVATE.

I have been harassed by someone following my every post, everywhere I go on the Internet.

If you wish to continue to have access, Please request to view my Private Site.  I will need to know something about who you are… or more precisely… who you are not.

Going Private at 4pm PST

Watching World at War…

Oradour-sur-Glane… if I visit Europe, I must go there. I promised my father I would try. He was in the European War in WW2. He saw things I still see in my mind. He taught me what he saw.

I know I have written about this before. But I am feeling especially far from my father tonight. It is a family long lost to me. I still struggle to understand the stories my father told me. Especially now. Fascists come to power thru very strange ways. Hitler was losing political power in early 1930’s, when he was called to “lead” a new government… because he was weak, and could be controlled. They would use him. It did not work out that way.

Everyone underestimated him. Everyone thought he would pass… the Nazi’s could not last, and everything would move on. Things would be fine soon. Then June 30, 1934.

I am watching “The World at War” – BBC. The definitive WW2 documentary. It helps. I watch it a few times a year. I read. I research. I have always had a drive to understand WW2, and I am finally starting to see a developing real-world example as to why I should. Throughout the world, the fascists are gaining. Those who believe they have all the answers, and no-one but them can help. Give them the power, and they will solve all your problems. Look around people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2017… Already?

No… I am not ready… even 10 days in.

How many times a day do you have to stop, and tell yourself `things are ok’? It gets tiring to almost constantly reassure myself. ‘Keep going… everything is ok’… I say to myself. ‘You’re ok”… on and on.

So it does not come as a surprise that I can not get much done. I spend much of my time trying to figure out what I can do, and what I care enough about. Some days I do not get anything done… some days I just can not get going.

Today, I will try to do a couple of things for myself… of course, there is a lot more to be done around the house, but sometimes I want to have fun… I want to enjoy my time. But I have to work too hard most days. It becomes overwhelming, and I often go to bed early. I am sleeping away my life.

Nothing seems to matter. It does not matter what I do, if I have no-one to share it with. I really do not know what to make of it all. Some days I do okay, and some days I sleep 18 hours. I really do hate it, but I get so tired of fighting. And there are few rewards for being successful. It just means I will have to do it all again tomorrow. Mondays are the worst – it reminds me of a whole week lost. They add up to years lost.

I guess I am not doing so well today. I will keep trying… what else could I do? Or… today may turn out to be a good day. There is no knowing. My moods can turn quickly when something goes wrong. And let’s face it, things go wrong. If only things going right would have as great an affect.

I seem to be not very positive today. it happens.

It’s About Time…

It’s about Space, about two men in a crazy place. This’s the tale of their great cruse… and thru the barrier of time they flew… SING ALONG!!! Really… no-one?

Time wounds all heals… it also heals all wounds. Here I am at 61 and still trying… still communicating… and still working at figgerin’ out what the hell is going on!

“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken.”
Oliver Cromwell

Literally the best words to live by I have ever read. You might be wrong about how bad things are… just as they are wrong about you. You also might be wrong about how right you are… or not. They are equally possible.

Never give up.

There are always ups and downs. And it may at times seem like the ups aren’t as good. Maybe they aren’t… but maybe they just seem so because they are different. Different scares me. So there could be a bias. Maybe the ups are better, but they be completely from a new direction. Look for those highs that take a bit to recognize. It may just be in a form you never expected.

Things are a lot more like they used to be, than they are today.