Author Archives: naplak

I Get NO Encouragement

I get ZERO encouragement… at home or anywhere.

Lori thinks people have to encourage themselves, be self-motivating. She believes that if I truly want to do something, I can just do it. 25 years we have been together, and it has not changed much. She thinks she is encouraging, but when I try to explain that she is not, and what she could do and say, she just wants to argue that she IS being encouraging.

DEF: If people are NOT encouraged, you are NOT encouraging.

I was a teacher. DEF: If the students are not learning, you are not teaching.

She can’t get that. She thinks the things she does are encouraging… they are to her, so they should be to everyone. But she will also say people DO NOT NEED external encouragement. She will not acknowledge that she gets encouragement all day at work… from her friends… from coworkers… the list goes on and on. But she seems to think none of that actually makes a difference. She has always done things thru her own motivation. It is simple for her.

Btw: She is a regional executive for a very large retailer. She is uber-successful. Everything she touches turns to gold. Master’s Degree. You name it. She has many friends, and travels with them to Vegas – I stay home. I see no encouragement for me to travel.

ANYWAY… enough of that. The point is, I am totally alone in my fight thru life. I have to be completely self-motivated. I have no friends, or family. There is no-one going to try to help me. I have to figure out every step myself. There will be no help accomplishing anything.

But… how is that any different than my entire life? I have never been happy in life.

This life has definitely not been worth the effort. Going on 20 more years like this… the thot makes me cry. And no-one cares.

 

And trump is a moron.  I do not mean to be insulting morons by lumping trump in with them,  sorry.

Watching World at War…

Oradour-sur-Glane… if I visit Europe, I must go there. I promised my father I would try. He was in the European War in WW2. He saw things I still see in my mind. He taught me what he saw.

I know I have written about this before. But I am feeling especially far from my father tonight. It is a family long lost to me. I still struggle to understand the stories my father told me. Especially now. Fascists come to power thru very strange ways. Hitler was losing political power in early 1930’s, when he was called to “lead” a new government… because he was weak, and could be controlled. They would use him. It did not work out that way.

Everyone underestimated him. Everyone thought he would pass… the Nazi’s could not last, and everything would move on. Things would be fine soon. Then June 30, 1934.

I am watching “The World at War” – BBC. The definitive WW2 documentary. It helps. I watch it a few times a year. I read. I research. I have always had a drive to understand WW2, and I am finally starting to see a developing real-world example as to why I should. Throughout the world, the fascists are gaining. Those who believe they have all the answers, and no-one but them can help. Give them the power, and they will solve all your problems. Look around people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2017… Already?

No… I am not ready… even 10 days in.

How many times a day do you have to stop, and tell yourself `things are ok’? It gets tiring to almost constantly reassure myself. ‘Keep going… everything is ok’… I say to myself. ‘You’re ok”… on and on.

So it does not come as a surprise that I can not get much done. I spend much of my time trying to figure out what I can do, and what I care enough about. Some days I do not get anything done… some days I just can not get going.

Today, I will try to do a couple of things for myself… of course, there is a lot more to be done around the house, but sometimes I want to have fun… I want to enjoy my time. But I have to work too hard most days. It becomes overwhelming, and I often go to bed early. I am sleeping away my life.

Nothing seems to matter. It does not matter what I do, if I have no-one to share it with. I really do not know what to make of it all. Some days I do okay, and some days I sleep 18 hours. I really do hate it, but I get so tired of fighting. And there are few rewards for being successful. It just means I will have to do it all again tomorrow. Mondays are the worst – it reminds me of a whole week lost. They add up to years lost.

I guess I am not doing so well today. I will keep trying… what else could I do? Or… today may turn out to be a good day. There is no knowing. My moods can turn quickly when something goes wrong. And let’s face it, things go wrong. If only things going right would have as great an affect.

I seem to be not very positive today. it happens.

It’s About Time…

It’s about Space, about two men in a crazy place. This’s the tale of their great cruse… and thru the barrier of time they flew… SING ALONG!!! Really… no-one?

Time wounds all heals… it also heals all wounds. Here I am at 61 and still trying… still communicating… and still working at figgerin’ out what the hell is going on!

“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken.”
Oliver Cromwell

Literally the best words to live by I have ever read. You might be wrong about how bad things are… just as they are wrong about you. You also might be wrong about how right you are… or not. They are equally possible.

Never give up.

There are always ups and downs. And it may at times seem like the ups aren’t as good. Maybe they aren’t… but maybe they just seem so because they are different. Different scares me. So there could be a bias. Maybe the ups are better, but they be completely from a new direction. Look for those highs that take a bit to recognize. It may just be in a form you never expected.

Things are a lot more like they used to be, than they are today.

Three Kinds of Everything

Three kinds of Friends

Friends whose intentions, I understand.

Friends whose intentions I am confused about.

Friends whose intentions I consistently get wrong.    These all tend to overlap.

Why I get them wrong so consistently is a mystery to me. It is as if my brain were wired to make that kind of wrong decision. Or it actually is that my brain is wired to make that kind of wrong decision. At the moment, I can not see a difference. It is just a distinction.

It is also an interesting conundrum.

I am consistently mystified by how people react to things. Most of the time, I know pretty well how people are going to react… until they actually do. Then I am mystified. The only reasons I can see for the error are… negative. And they are almost always reasonably logical… to a point…

But I am even more flustered by my inability to understand who to trust. Nice… huh?

Ultimately, it may not mean anything. Or it could have the golden key to success. Mostly likely, it is somewhere in between… near the middle. But it remains totally unpredictable to me. I may have mentioned, Lori will explain what I did wrong, and I get it… but it still does not make sense. I would still react the same way – wouldn’t everyone? I feel my reactions are every bit as reasonable as everyone else’s… at least so. Perhaps. Right?

At least in this case. Maybe that is advice for next time?… 😉

Did I mention, I can not tell who is which kind of friend? And it can change?? Quickly???

And no-one will understand what the hell is going on. People tend to drift away. And that is totally Normal for them to do! It is rare that I have ever thought the other person responsible. I know I messed up, I just can’t understand how, or why!

There are 3 kinds of people…

People who can count, and people who can’t.

Voices from the Past

I read a poem this morning about losing friends… Anonymously Autistic.

It started me thinking… it does not take much to start me thinking. I lost my friends in the 1970-80’s. For a long time after that, I was working so much, it did not seem to matter. Then I had to retire early because my brain was not cooperating enough. Then I discovered I had not actually made any friends in my many years there. They were all gone in an instant.

Try hard to keep friends, but some people can never understand… and some people will not ever understand. It is sometimes difficult to tell them about. But let them go, and hug your friends.

I don’t get angry about it… I always felt guilty about what happened. After all, it was probably my fault. I am not always an easy person to be around ← under-statement. Being alone is difficult at times. I have some great memories, and I try to hold on to those. But it is not the same.

Keep your friends close. Let them into your life. Try to share your inner feelings. There will be some friends that will stick by you thru it all. Look for those people. They are probably right in front of you.

One thing I have learned… once they are gone… that is it. There is no point trying to get back lost friends. They may even see that as being even worse! Leave them alone. Move to the people close, that will always be there for you. There are people that will be always close.

Respect

Command respect, don’t Demand respect.

I believe, when I was a teacher, I earned the respect of students. I tried to treat them like adult human beings – when possible. I tried to always hear their thoughts.

That respect is a very nice memory.

Respect faded away as my mental state changed. And I don’t blame anyone for it. I am confident, I would be at least incline to do the same thing… if not for the fact that I know what it is like to feel my mind slipping away. I am on this side now. Some of you know what I mean. Some of you have learned to understand it… even predict it better than I. But there are few of them.

Also… some of you know what I mean because you live it too. No matter how you are different, the result is almost always the same – you are going to end up in a very small circle. More on that later.

The problem I have on Facebook is that I do not have any friends outside FB. Most people have a foundation of friends who will share Facebook with then on that basis… friends. You can not start with FB. You have no support base to make sure you have some good threads going.

What’s that like? Actually I know. When I was first on FB, I had that basis of friends as well.

That was 5 plus years ago. It may not seem like a long time, but it has been a tough 5 years. There were a few times I actually got within days of meeting someone for beers… in each case those people will not even respond to a friend request. My brain does not always process information in the correct way.

The first step of talking about your own mental issues, is getting others to even see it is real. It is not just a behavior flaw. It is not an obsession. It is a mental process flaw. I use the word “flaw” reluctantly. Who is really to say to whom the flaw belongs? Cats can not taste sweet. Is that a flaw?? There are clearly advantages to it.

But alas, I digress…

How do I find Real-World friends without any social contact except FB? No wonder it does not work for me. I need to build respect, but I can not even stay around long enough to make any difference.

Where to Start…

Let’s see… diagnosed by psychologists, and a psychiatrist.

I am somewhere on the Autism spectrum… with symptoms of Asperger’s, in particular I have trouble recognizing people’s emotions. I obsess on tiny topics. I get locked into thought patterns. And I can not always control where that goes.

I also can not deal with unexpected changes. Everything requires so much planning, that changes are a threat. Going out to a place I am comfortable with, takes at least a day of planning.

My Anxiety is usually under control. Two prescriptions (one max dose, one 2x-max dose), pot, and caffeine help, but I still struggle every day. There are periods of uncertainty.

Depression is always near. I can often feel it coming on… lurking…

I have a few Phobias… agoraphobia, and atychiphobia being the most prominent. But I can not compete with Monk.

My brain goes off on tangents resolving all sorts of things – I design a solution for problems I see. I can not, not do it. Even when there is no need. And it can literally bring my mind to a standstill. I can not think anything. Lori has seen it all too many times. It happens every day.

Physically, I am in pretty good shape… other than many joint issues. I lost 40 pounds a few years back, and have kept if off. So not many concerns here. J

I am very good with cats!

61 years and counting… 1st panic attack in 1963… 2nd grade.

Why Bother?

Why do I bother writing?

It used to be helpful… it helped me figure things out. I don’t write much anymore… I cry instead.

There is no-one to write to. Nothing to write about. Nothing ever changes, so all I can do I write the same things over and over. What I say does not matter anymore. I was a teacher… but there is nothing left to teach, and nothing to learn.

This is my life. I struggle to get up in the morning. I fight to keep going thru tears and desperation. Sometimes I eat, sometimes not. I try to watch something to distract me, but it doesn’t always work. There is nothing worth doing. Only my kitties keep me going.

I live in an almost constant state a despair. Constantly trying to find a way out. There is no way out.

Every day is the same. Every Monday I see another week has slipped thru my fingers. One week less time to find a solution. There is none.

The Brakes Are Locked!

Inside, there are more forces holding me back from doing things, than pushing me to do more. It is made more difficult by not having others to talk to about things. Lori can do only so much. Isolation is not a solution to anything. And it saps away any incentive to do more.

One might think the accomplishment of doing things would be enough… one would be wrong. Most of my little accomplishments feel empty. There is no-one to share any of it with. I am trying to learn to do things just for me… privately. Most of the time, it works out just fine. Then I hit the Wall.

The Wall is an obnoxious period of time from about 1pm to as late as 5pm, when I tend to crash.

I get up about 3am – on good days – so approaching 12 hours, my motivation seems to all flow away. “Why stay up?”, becomes the only question. And all too often, I give in, and go to bed early… for 12 hours of “sleep”. One result is that I sleep too much. Sometimes I can’t tell if I am tired, or if my brain is giving out. I have no idea when I should go to bed, and when I should get up. Am I rested?

The more I do, the better I am. So I keep after it. Eventually, starting, and overcoming obstacles, becomes too much of a struggle.

Overall, I am getting better. But it is hard to see. And I have been fighting it for so long. There are decades lost. And I fear things will not get much better.

But I keep going.

So… What Next?

I have written some blogs describing my situation. And of course there is going to be more on that later, but for now it is time to ask what next?

I am getting more comfortable in my life at home. Things feel more like they should… it is hard to describe what I mean, suffice it to say it just feels more like home.

There has been improvement in ability to do things. Including writing these blogs. I am feeling like there is not as much anxiety blocking me from doing things as there was three months ago. After a couple of months on my right prescriptions I now feel ready to push myself a little more to try to get more things done. Then I think I can be successful about it.

Right now, those activities here at home are the center of my focus. I want to start having more fun. I have begun shooting 10 m air rifle, and it has a lot of the same characteristics as archery. I like the intense concentration of it. Learning and repeating the same steps over and over. It is giving me a new direction – or rather an old direction renewed – for my thoughts. It is relaxing, in that all other thoughts have to get pushed aside. You just have to concentrate on one thing.

So right there is something new that I am doing here at home.

My long-range goal from this, is to build up enough confidence to have visitors, and eventually to make it easier for me to go out. It is a very long process and has had many stops and starts along the way. But overall I think I am making some progress, even while I feel like I know less about what is going on around me.

Capitulation

I can not relate to anyone.

My latest indulgence in Facebook, has shown me that I have absolutely no confidence in my ability to understand people. I am constantly confused by the simplest comments. And I do realize this will mean even fewer people will respond from fear of saying the wrong thing. I don’t know what to tell you about that.

It is not that they are saying the wrong thing… it’s that I have no idea how to interpret anything from other people. Facebook is too sporadic. People come and go… there is no way of knowing what is going on. Of course, these are thoughts running amok thru my brain. There is just too much anxiety there for me.

P.S. I know I left a few of you out, in the apologies, but I still mean it.

Sorry

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.

New Things? Or Missed?

Every thought of mine, includes the potential there is something new, I don’t know … or something I have missed. I have these loop-around thoughts that keep rechecking everything I have written… everything I do. It’s an OC thing. Sometimes the re-evaluation runs rampant, and completely overwhelms me.

But then… there are those times when it leads me to new knowledge about myself. It’s not like a light bulb coming on… it takes a while to sink in. I have to look all around it. I have to understand what it means. And if I can do anything about it… sometimes it’s just not that big a deal. So what if the volume is always at an even number. It does not diminish my life. I will not spend time or effort trying to extinguish it.

Sometimes… it turns out to be very important. These can build up, to create new opportunities for me… even if small. Over time, I have found how to avoid things, or the outcome of those things… other than just avoidance. I’m back here aren’t I?

The process has been very slow. I have made a lot of mistakes along the way that have hurt my chances. But I really have got better!

I still lack the motivation to do things. Many days, I do very little. My motivation has gradually slipped away over the years. I haven’t got very far on this one. I think I am better … but I am nowhere near satisfied.

Soooo…I keep paying attention to those little things, and looking for what I may have missed… or what might be new. It is my own little spiral curriculum!