I understand the process that makes my brain go in such interesting directions. But I can not predict it… I can not see it happening… I can not even see it in hind sight. If you think you saw a green car, no amount of inner thought can change it. Only further examination could determine it was actually blue. Only when it is pointed out to me, can I see there was perhaps a mistake.

I say “perhaps” because it will always seem to me as if I did the correct thing the first time. Intellectually, I see that it was indeed in error. There is no dissonance here because there seems to be no connection between the two. I know how I felt, and I know what probably happened… they feel like two entirely different events. So I can live with both perceptions.

Perception is not reality.

Knowing all this is nice, but doesn’t do anything to help. Since I know I can not always trust my reactions and I will still react as I do, I am left walking a mine field. And the mines are very interesting, because I don’t even notice the explosion. Everyone else will probably think the booming blast, and shrapnel are pretty obvious… while I think all is as it should be.

Any time I try to be social, I start setting off mines… walking along not noticing anything wrong, I don’t see the rubble building up behind me. By the time I put the pieces together, the damage is long since past. There is nothing to be done for it.

So I have no social life. And I get extremely anxious when I have to be around people… especially people I do not know. And since my brain does not work properly, do I really know anyone???