I have said these words too often in defense of my crazy brain.

If there is something I want… truly want, there will also be great fear of it not coming about.  Something almost always goes wrong.  When my anxiety about it is getting too high, I will back out, and say I want nothing.  It is safer to run away, and get nothing, than to take the chance of being let down.

It is a formula for disappointment.  But fear can make us do many things.

Waffling back and forth results in… alternating between hope and happiness, and fear and anxiety.  The back and forth can be very draining – it hurts.  But the really bad part is that eventually I end up with nothing… even though that is not what I wanted.  If I do it well, people may not even know I lost what I wanted.

I do this on a fairly regular basis.  It is less disappointing than having things fall apart at the last minute.

So my life is often about trying to find the way to be least disappointed.