Today I have done well.
I did not have much energy at all.
But overall, this is a good thing. At least in the mental illness category. I felt better, and did not have to work as hard to keep going. I didn’t accomplish much at all… I had so little energy to work with.
What I have learned, is that I have not simplified my life enough. So far… not nearly close. There is still too much input, for my ability to manage it. I use the word “manage” specifically, because that is what I have to do. And the more complex my day becomes, there is less I have left for actual real world activities. <—see how I avoided the word “things”?
I need a smaller world.
I need more people within my smaller envelop.
But I have so many other things to deal with, that I can not overcome them enough to have the energy to do what I wish for. An impartial observer might wonder why this would be any real problem at all – just do it. Things look pretty good when you are on the outside.
All those ideas belong in the world of the “normal”. I am not normal. Ask anyone. Seriously. Ask anyone.
So if I am not normal, why would people treat me as if I am… and why would I be subject the the same concepts about what is an acceptable amount anxiety? Is it fair to judge me, or treat me, as if I am “normal”, when you would have a hard time finding people who know me who would say I am? And there are millions of other “me”s out there.
We hide so well, even our spouses have a hard time finding us. We learn from a very early age to never let the world see how we really feel, and what we really think. And never talk about what goes thru your mind. The World is a place to be hidden from.
Ramblings of an Agoraphobe 
Masks: An Epilogue
Author Unknown
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a thousand masks, And none of them are me. Don’t be fooled, for God’s sake, Don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, And that I need no one. But don’t believe me.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion ,in aloneness, in fear. That’s why I create a mask to hide behind, to shield me from the glance That knows, but such a glance is precisely my salvation.
That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love. It’s the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built prison walls. I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing and that I’m just no good, And that you will see this and reject me.
And so begins the parade of masks. I idly chatter to you. I tell you everything that’s really nothing, and Nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m Not saying. I’d really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and ME. But you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to hold out your hand.
Each time you’re kind and gentle, and encouraging, Each time you try to understand because you really care, My heart begins to grow wings, very feeble wings, but wings.
With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding, You alone can release me from my shallow world of uncertainty. It will not be easy for you. The nearer you approach me, The blinder I may strike back. But I’m told that Love is stronger than strong walls, And in this lies my hope, my only hope.
Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands, But gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder, I am every man you meet, and also every woman that you meet, And I am YOU, also.
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