Monthly Archives: July 2013

Anger is a Symptom

Anger may, and does cause problems, but anger is a symptom of something deeper going on.  Find that thing, and anger can be resolved.

I found that thing.

I do have trouble with anger from time to time, but who doesn’t?  Once I understood where it was coming from, I was able to put solutions in place.  And I was able to understand.  My anger stopped being such a problem.

But there was a time when it was.  A horrible time in my life.

So I work on these issues every day.  I work myself slowly closer to where I want to be.  And with the help of my friends, and Lori, I will get there.  I can almost see it now.

From an Ignorant Comment

This was written by someone with NO understanding of the facts of the situation.  This person was my “Domineering Parent” growing up.  It has been discussed many times in therapy.

“So many of your social problems, including the loss of your therapist and friends and family, are the result of lashing out at people.”

I may have lost friends because of my past anger issues, but not family.  My mother and I talked about this many times.  She could see what I was talking about for herself.  And she tried to help me understand it.

My loss of my therapist had nothing to do with my losing my temper.  YES, I was angry – as I have said – but I did not lash out at anyone.

This person is one of the main reasons I am where I am – not thru malice, but thru action.

Me and Anger

It has been pointed out to me that I used to have an anger issue, and I have not written much about it.  That is true.  When I started seeing a psychologist, it was the first thing we worked on.  I also had a year of group therapy on balancing my emotions.  The big difference came from the meds I started taking, and my sessions with my psychologist (hundreds of them).

Anger is no longer a part of my problem.  Once I knew where the anger was coming from, and how to channel it, the anger mostly went away.  I learned how to properly integrate my anger into my whole self.

My anger came from extreme anxiety – I take 3 meds now for anxiety with pretty good results.  I do not lose my temper like that anymore… not for about 9 years now.  For those who have it, you know what very high anxiety can do to your brain, especially when you do not know what it is.

The person who suggested this is many years behind in what has been happening in my life.  That person has no way of seeing how I have changed and improved, and learned to look inward. 

For the last 8+ years I have been working on the causes of the anger in my life.  Once I understood it, I was able to start working on the real problems.  That is what this Blog is about.

That person has ABSOLUTELY no place in my life, and should mind her own business.  She is one of THE major causes of that anger while I was growing up.  She is “toxic” to me – as a psychologist, and a psychiatrist have both pointed out.

My Biggest Motivator

Fear

Yup… that is it.  And I am not alone in that.  There are many of us.  Fear completely over-runs all other motivations.  It is far too powerful for mere humans to overcome.  At least for this human.

Fear comes in to play as anxiety.  It can spike up so high I become immobile.  I can not move… My body will not respond to my thoughts.  It is a very strange feeling.  There is a lock in my brain that stops signals from getting to my legs.  There is something deep going on.

Anxiety to the actual stopper… but fear is the greatest anxiety producer.  And I have a lot of fears – going out, crowds, dogs, meeting people, failure, heights… the list goes on.

There are things I try to do that combine some of those into one.  It gets pretty bad.

If I just stay home, I don’t have too many problems.  But even here things happen.  Staying home saves a tremendous amount of energy because of so much less anxiety.

The issue then becomes – can I live a good happy life this way?  Yes… I can.  I can still go out locally for things I need.  And I can still go on trips, and visit places I want to see.  There are issues with those trips, but they are well worth it.

So why should I push harder?  I am happiest when I can just life my life at home.  I do need to find ways to make some things work better, but I can do that.

That is my goal… at least for now.  Once I get this working, then I can think about ways to get out more… perhaps.

Tacos and Margaritas

I don’t know about you, but that sounds good to me.  Especially going out with a friends to share them.  It would be fun!

Alas… it is not something I can do.  I would love to do things like that.  How great would it be do be able to go out on a nice weekend day and have fun with fun people?  Not going to happen.

I am stuck here.  And pressures seem to be pushing more in that direction.  I have less energy, and I just can not push myself as much as I used to.  I can not go out.

But DO NOT confuse that with a desire to not go out!!!

Make no mistake… I am here because my life dictates that the cost of going out is just too high.  Usually too high to even start.

Dawn is a Feeling…

If you do not recognize the phrase, I recommend you check this out –  Click Here.

Last night I went outside and built a fire.  I spent a few hours listening to the Moody Blues… watching the stars and the fire… and not doing much else.  Or even thinking about much else.

Sometimes I forget the power of music to transform, and shape our thoughts.  This music has purpose, and deep meaning.  The words carry a message of great value.

It is a message each person must find for themselves.  So I will not even try to relay it here.

We all find powerful words that lead us to a better state of mind.  Music can refresh lost thoughts and feelings.  It can inspire greater good.  It can make us feel our inner spirituality more easily.  And that is something we need to do more often.

I was able to clear away some of the clutter in my thoughts, and remember what is truly important.

It was a wonderful evening!!!!

Too Tired to Go On.

I have struggled with anxiety, and depression all my life.  I had my first full-blown panic attack in the 2nd grade.  I can still see it all happening very clearly in my mind.  I started having bad depressive periods in middle-school.  Of course I did not know what they were at the time.

I am almost 60 years old… I do not have the energy I once did.  But life demands that I do as well (or as badly?) as I always did when I was younger.  There are things I can not do anymore.

I can not play volleyball, or racquetball… I can not hike high mountain trails.  And I can not push myself mentally as far as I once could.  So what do I do?

One of the first things I learned in session was to pick my battles.  I can not solve everything… some things I will never be able to resolve.  But the most important point of this is that I have to pick which things I can improve, and which things I can’t improve.  But I also have to look to which things are more important – which will give back the most rewards.

A few months back in session, we worked out a plan for cutting back on things that were disproportionally stressful – things that cause way more anxiety than they were worth.  And that has been my approach the last several months.

It works great!!!  Now I am getting far more done on my own at home.  And with far less total anxiety.  This does not deal with my phobias, or depression, but it is mostly the anxiety the stops me.  So things have taken a decidedly positive turn in my mental life.

But there are other battles, and I am losing them.  Even my first success is falling into question.  I can not keep following that path.  I have to get “better” and get back to doing more – doing things I used to do.  So rather than moving forward, I now have to move back to putting more energy into going out for errands and such.

That means less energy for all other things… including the having fun part.  Once more into the breach… with no hope of success.

I have responsibilities that I can not ignore.  Not that I have actually ignored them.  I have been trying to obtain balance.  But I have to balance that with the lives of others as well.

So I need a totally new plan.  What I really need to do is be like I was 20 years ago… well… only the good parts of it.  I need to be able to DO more.  I will have to deal with the turmoil in my brain some other way.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel, is an Oncoming Train…

I need to stay home.

We have all figured that out by now.  I have about half the anxiety during the week if I do not have to do major shopping.  Got it…

My biggest problem right now though is that I no longer have a psychologist, and I no longer have any faith in the system.

So what do I do?

I Love my wife very much, and can not imagine life without her, but she does not understand the choices I have to make.  And she resents any change that makes her life more difficult.  She sees no need for any real lifestyle changes for the worse.

This is not because she is selfish.  She is actually a very giving person.  But… she does not understand the limitations imposed by anxiety, depression, phobias… and all sorts of social problems.  She does not see that simply getting older makes everything harder.

My increased physical issues are okay, but my mental decline is not.  I should still be able to deal with all the stresses, and anxieties, and depressions, I did when I was younger.  I can not decline.

Those are all things that cannot be solved just by wanting to… with a little effort… or with any amount of effort.  It hurts me when I think about the mental things I can’t do anymore.  It really is a terrible loss – I even often struggle to fully visualize 3D objects… and rotate them around.  It used to be easy.  My brain can not do what it could do 20 years ago.

It is nothing of anyone’s fault.  The great majority of people simply can not relate to any of it.  We are so far out of their experience, that they can not even imagine it.  So everything we say, can be dismissed… or worse.

But… I love her, so things go on, and will be really wonderful for us.  I just need somewhere else to connect with where I am, and can get help guiding me thru all the crap.  Right… I no longer have that person… sure, sure…

Life goes on.

These Long Days

I have had a lot of ups and downs the last week.  I am not sure why I have not written, except I have been really struggling with several issues.  The most direct is my growing slowly more depressed about problems I am dealing with at home.

There has been progress on some projects, but I am constantly dragged down by caring for sick animals – making sure they eat the right foods, and tube-feeding one cat.  But it does not stop there.  That is just how my day starts.

This whole situation with my former psychologist is eating at me more too.  I know I would find things easier if I still had session to talk about all the issues that swim thru my thoughts.  I do not have as much clarity of thought now.  I will figure out how to go forward, but for now I am still too hurt.

The main problem I am having is that I feel totally overwhelmed by everything happening, and I have nowhere to turn.  All I can do is push a little harder every day, to try to do the same things I did yesterday.  And I know tomorrow I will have to push even harder to do those same things yet again.

But every now and then, I break.  I fall apart for a while, then pull myself back together, and start going again.  It has left me feeling alone, tired, and empty. 

I have been able to fight off depression most of the time… and I am keeping my anxiety under control.  But the cost is staggering.  All I can do is keep pushing myself forward until I finally break down.

Most of Us Live in Silence

I have all sorts of mental problems… we all know that by now!  But I am not alone.  The great majority of people like me are hiding in the wings.  They will never set foot on the stage.

I am not sure why I have chosen such a public path.  I know it is no-one’s fault that I am where I am.  And my struggles are not a creation of society… or of myself.  So why do I write about it here on the Internet?  And why don’t more people read it??  I will leave the latter question for others to answer.

As to myself.  I think the answer is somewhere around my need to understand, and to connect.  The connecting with other people part has always been a complex mission for me.  And for so long I did not understand where the problem was – it was me.  More precisely, my weird brain chemistry.

There is no more I can do about the chemistry part, so I have to work in other areas.

But that does not really answer the question either.

I have never seen much of a need to hide my physical, or mental limitations.  But I have kind of gone the complete other direction from hiding.  I know it burns some people out to read all I write.  It seems like a never-ending story.  But at least you guys are not stuck with it all the time!

I wonder about all those other people out there like me.  I have met a few thru this Blog, and discovered a few that I had already known – we get very good at “blending in”.  It helps to know there are others who share my experiences.

I think that is what I am looking for – understanding.  Not just from people how understand by experience, but those who can learn to understand, and accept.  It is as if we live in another world, and we just want human contact like everyone else.

Is that so much to ask?

When Thinking is Too Much

I think too much.  Just like the Paul Simon song – “Maybe I Think Too Much”.  There are times when I can not control the direction my thoughts will take.

When I have things to get done, I have to build a careful plan.  I need to consider every aspect of what I need to do, and set priorities for each thing.  This helps me get thru tasks without having to rethink them too much.

So I have a sort of outline for the day – when to think about what.  I can put off thinking about something, if I schedule when to think about it, and I already know the basics.  It works pretty well for me usually.  (“when” means in what order, not what time).

If I do not plan, and control where my thoughts go, and when, then my brain runs rampant, and I can not control where it goes.  All other considerations get pushed aside.  I get stuck in a loop of over thinking.

So this plan works… some of the time.

The problem comes when something upsets the “plan”.  It can be any of a number of things (yes… zero is a number, but I mean a bigger number).  Once that happens, everything falls apart, and the planning has to start from scratch.  And that usually means planning on the fly, which is almost always doomed to failure.

Last second planning takes on a life of it’s own.  My mind becomes swamped with some new direction of thought.  And I can not control where it will go.  But for sure, the old plan is dead.

This is how things I really want to do, don’t get done.  Those things invariable fall to the end of whatever “list” I might have, and those things usually do not get done at all.  There will not be enough energy to fill in for that planning by late in the day.

Sometimes the upheaval is so strong that I end up getting nothing done, because the planning stage burns me out, and I shut down.  This happens a lot!!

This is where most of my least productive days come from.  One small event, and the whole thing – water, tub, and baby – all get thrown out, and I fail.

Sadly… this is one of the things I had been working on in session before it’s early demise.  I will slowly figure it out though – it actually is a lot better than it used to be.  Removing the grocery shopping has taken away a lot of my Stoppers.  That alone accounted for at least 2 lost days per week.

But I can not eliminate all the Stoppers, so I need to find a way to deal with them.  I will keep looking.

There is More than Meets the Eye…

Another night full of nightmares, and restless “sleep”.  I would just stay in bed all day if I could… there is very little point in being up.

Except there are things I need to do…

At least it is clear there is more to this than just having gone out for errands Monday.  That may have started the ball rolling, but it is collecting plenty of moss now.  If I may mix a few metaphors.

The big problems I face now are all the things I really need to do today, and this weekend.  I think I will be okay if I can pull myself together, and enjoy some of the time.  That has been known to happen.

The problem gets worse when I want to get some of my things done.  I have even less motivation for those things… there is less reward to them.  So I will do what I can, and just try to get thru the day.

I know I am hurting partly because of my sudden increased aloneness… but that is what it is, and I need to just get used to it.  I do not have someone to help me thru these issues.  But that is not new.  I have got too used to having my back protected.

Okay… I have to find a way to move on.  It is not doing any good to suffer alone.  I have to find new things that will help.  I need a better attitude, and more optimism.  I need to build something.

What’s All This Then?

Thursday morning, and I do not feel better from my errands Monday!  I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night, and had nightmares most of the night.  I feel almost as mentally drained as I did Tuesday.

I went out to get the mail this morning, and almost had a panic attack – that has not happened for a few weeks!  It was not a pleasant experience.

There must be more to what is going on in my brain, than just those errands.  I know I am getting more upset about my psychologist – it was not right!  But I don’t think that is everything either.

There are a lot of projects staring me in the face, and that adds anxiety, but this is more than just anxiety.  I know how to handle anxiety.

And it’s not depression – I know how to recognize that. 

It is more of an emptiness… just not caring.  But I care that I don’t care.  Does that make sense?  If I were depressed, I would not care about not caring about anything.

It feels like the day after I went out on errands – trying to recover my energies.  But it is not getting better like it should have.  So there is more going on.  I have to think about it, even though I do not want to.  But I need to understand!

When I get closer, my anxiety goes up, and I feel drained.  There is something there.

I just need to wait it out for now…