Daily Archives: May 13, 2013

I Know it is My Fault

Not my mental disorders… they are not my fault.  But when I have conflict with someone, we may both actually be right, but it is my fault.  I understand that I am the one who is not able to follow social norms.

I have become hyper-sensitive to some things.  I usually manage it, but I can be caught off guard.  Then I make mistakes.  All the frustration, anxiety, discouragement, depression, and loneliness has to come out.  I hide… I unfriend people… I yell… I cry… and I sleep.

It is all the worst, because I know it is all my “fault”.

As a result of this and more, I have no friends, no real acquaintances, and no hope of changing that.  But, I have made it this far though!  There is always hope.

I am tired of being in a box, unable to communicate with the outside world.

Surrounded By People Who Do Not Understand

I live in a world outside of yours.  I can not explain what happens in my brain because people don’t get it.  They try to talk me out of it; or convince me to try something else; or any of a number of things that simply show they simple do not understand.

My brain does not work thru things the same way… It’s as if when there is a dog, I see a horse.  I can explain that it’s a horse… I might even know it is not what it looks like.  But no amount of discussion will make me see a dog.  It’s just not going to happen.

What to do?  I don’t know.  Maybe just let me see the damn horse!  I’m not going to try to ride it.  But I have to live with the fact that I see a horse!

Okay… not a great analogy.  But you can not talk someone out of being mentally ill.

People get angry with me because I get so very frustrated that I can not get anyone to understand – except people who already understand because they live there too.  I have lived a life of mind numbing loneliness, and all people want to do is convince me it’s not so bad… or if I try a little harder, and things will be okay.

I live in Hell, and others get upset because I am not treating them fairly!  Only one person in my live has ever treated me as if the way I think is okay – my mother.  And it took us a very long time for us to get to that point.

People think I am slighting them… or ignoring their needs… or that I don’t care.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  But they are clueless about my needs, and belittle them when I bring them up.

Just remember… I am stuck inside me ALL THE TIME!!!