Monthly Archives: May 2013

Alone With My Thoughts…

I am lonely.  I spend virtually all my time alone.  It has been that way for many years.  It’s okay… I have to live like this.  As an agoraphobe, it is difficult to go out at all, and going out to socialize is pretty much out of the question.  I stick to running a few errands to local places I am familiar with.  The people who work in those stores, are the people I socialize with most.  We chat…

But then… I have just about as much fear of people being here in my home.  I feel invaded, and uneasy.  Even talking on the phone takes a toll.  Any conversation can unexpectedly become way to stressful, and I have to get out of it.

I am usually on Facebook, and that is pretty much the limit of what I can do socially – I can’t even do that some of the time.  So I deactivate when my brain is swimming in too many thoughts.

Basically all this means that I am best when I am home alone, with little or no contact with the outside world.  It is what I have to do, not what I want to do.  Normally I make the best of it.  I have been getting better at doing things at home.  I am even enjoying some of my time.

It is not the life I thought I would be living.  Lori helps.  She tries to make home more fun, and pleasant for me.  We can even go out sometimes.  But going out takes a great deal of planning, and so many things can go wrong.  So most trips get cancelled.

I guess there is really nothing new in this Blog, but it seemed to want to be written.  When I let people down because of my phobias, I know I am slowly pushing them away.  Sometimes it is easier for me if I just go ahead and push them away, so I don’t have to spend so much time having anxiety about it.  They are better of that way too.

A Facebook Post……

Many years of teaching, and working with people, and just plain common sense has lead me to several conclusions.

One is that a LOT of the most intelligent "stoners" in high school were stoners because then needed it to reduce their anxiety (I was not one of them).  Today they would get pills, that are not as affective, and have side affects.  Every psychologist, psychiatrist, MD, and OD I have ever asked about it, has said marijuana i…s THE best and most efficient anxiety reducer available (7 total)… PERIOD.

We should all remember that we did not evolve to live in the huge, mobile, and communicating societies we live in now.  Even Biblical societies were much smaller…

So many people today do not fit.  We try… and we are often successful. But over the long haul, we all just sort of burn out. Then we need to find ways to relax, and feel better about life, and the world.

Using “EA” in My Life

Embracing Agoraphobia

It’s a term I started using a few years ago.  I have even Blogged about it in my other Blog.

The idea is that I should accept my agoraphobia as long as it does not stop me from going out when I really need to.  That means I do not even have to even think about going grocery shopping (most weeks).

I even wrote about this a bit in my last Blog.

Now I am seeing that is making a difference in my anxiety levels during the week.  And these last 2 weeks have been a lot easier during the run-up to the weekend.  It is easier to do things at home now.  And it feels very nice.

Now… will that end up hurting me in the long run?  Right now I am not sure.  And I do not really care.  That is something I will think about in a few weeks when my brain has settled down, and my anxieties are lower.  Only then will I actually consider how to slowly push myself out more.

For now, I just need to build up my energies, and lower my average anxiety level.  That will give more successes to help my confidence.  I need this to go on for a while at least.

Implementation

I have been working on so many things for so many years, that it has been hard to keep it all straight!  But since I am taking a break from trying to figure things out, I decided to concentrate more on implementing what I have learned.

Harder than it sounds…

My retrenched position involves not even having to think about having to go out… at least outside of my safe places right here in town.  It does make things easier for me to not have to worry about that.  And that is pretty much what was actually happening anyway.

I am trying to take away some of the weekly anxieties, without actually cutting back much.  I am just drawing a clearer line.  and it does feel a little less stressful already.  Of course… it is far too soon to know anything for sure.

But my goal is to gradually free up some of my energies, and do more small things around home.  Then I hope to start doing even, more as I can.  It seems like a fairly safe plan, and there is not much to lose by trying it.

I have been so lost for so long, I can’t even know if I am going in the right direction!  And I really don’t want to make things any worse.  Would that even be possible?

So I am still here kicking and screaming… so to speak.  It still gets me down, and I have a lot of bad mornings, and evenings… 

I just have to keep going.

Realworlders

That is the secret name depressives use for people who do not suffer from depression.  There is a secret handshake too, but I can not show you that here.

I have written a lot about what depression does, and what it is like… but I am going to turn the tables a bit here, and I have some semi-quasi-pseudo-harsh words for my fell depressives.

Okay people… we all know Realworlders do not understand depression.  And they can not really be expected to.  So it is up to us to convince them that what we have is real.  Most Realworlders do not hear directly about depression from anyone… and most of the rest hear from very few or only one person.

So… time to get up off you butts (when you are not too depressed) and tell people about it!  How can the Normals learn to accept our behaviors if we do not share with the people close to us how we feel!

Now I do not expect a bunch of you to start Blogs or anything, but chime in for cryin’ out loud!  Say “Me too!” sometimes!  If we do not educate the Realworlders, who will??  We have to stand up for each other, and let those other folks know that these are things we do share, and do know about.

And it may be a case of “I am depressive, hear me whimper!” but if that’s all ya got, then let it roar! 

When a Realworlder hears about the debilitating aspects of depression, they may not get it, but if they hear that message repeated enough, from enough different sources, they may get to accept it!

So stand up, and be counted.  Even if you have to do it anonymously… be heard!!!

I Know it is My Fault

Not my mental disorders… they are not my fault.  But when I have conflict with someone, we may both actually be right, but it is my fault.  I understand that I am the one who is not able to follow social norms.

I have become hyper-sensitive to some things.  I usually manage it, but I can be caught off guard.  Then I make mistakes.  All the frustration, anxiety, discouragement, depression, and loneliness has to come out.  I hide… I unfriend people… I yell… I cry… and I sleep.

It is all the worst, because I know it is all my “fault”.

As a result of this and more, I have no friends, no real acquaintances, and no hope of changing that.  But, I have made it this far though!  There is always hope.

I am tired of being in a box, unable to communicate with the outside world.

Surrounded By People Who Do Not Understand

I live in a world outside of yours.  I can not explain what happens in my brain because people don’t get it.  They try to talk me out of it; or convince me to try something else; or any of a number of things that simply show they simple do not understand.

My brain does not work thru things the same way… It’s as if when there is a dog, I see a horse.  I can explain that it’s a horse… I might even know it is not what it looks like.  But no amount of discussion will make me see a dog.  It’s just not going to happen.

What to do?  I don’t know.  Maybe just let me see the damn horse!  I’m not going to try to ride it.  But I have to live with the fact that I see a horse!

Okay… not a great analogy.  But you can not talk someone out of being mentally ill.

People get angry with me because I get so very frustrated that I can not get anyone to understand – except people who already understand because they live there too.  I have lived a life of mind numbing loneliness, and all people want to do is convince me it’s not so bad… or if I try a little harder, and things will be okay.

I live in Hell, and others get upset because I am not treating them fairly!  Only one person in my live has ever treated me as if the way I think is okay – my mother.  And it took us a very long time for us to get to that point.

People think I am slighting them… or ignoring their needs… or that I don’t care.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  But they are clueless about my needs, and belittle them when I bring them up.

Just remember… I am stuck inside me ALL THE TIME!!!

Back Almost Where I was 9 years Ago

Well… I have the meds now, and I know what things will help me deal with anxiety – though I am not allowed to use them unless I am and will be home alone.  But the main problem is that I have absolutely no-one to talk to.  No friends or family that actually understands.

At home I am treated as if all I have to do is try a little harder.  If I do try to help myself, I will invariable fail.  Things that work, are not allowed because they offend.

I do not want to offend… I just want out of this Hell I live in.  Others can not imagine how hard I work every minute of every day.  I need breaks from it.  I need an escape.

I can not imaging starting over with a new psychologist.  I do not have the strength to do it.  Of course, that means I am not trying hard enough.  Magic is the only answer I see here.  Where is Herminie when you need her?

I am like a cat… I always land on my feet.  I will find a way thru this as well.  I just don’t know where it will come from.  Basically, I feel like I am stuck until some new medicine comes along.  It has happened.

My life has always… ALWAYS been about looking forward to some future when things would be better.  There is nothing in my life worth where I am… but there may be some bright day down the road.  So I will keep trying, and…… we’ll see.

Comment Received :: I am told by family and ex- friends to push myself more, do they not think i would if i could without later consequences. I know how i feel but they have no clue how much it takes to stick together every day (typos corrected)

I think all of us experience this.

And A New Stage in My Life Begins

I have lost my psychologist.  I can not go see her anymore.

The specific reasons are not important here.  but after 8 1/2 years, I am on my own.  From every other week to… zip.  I do not know what I will do, but for now at lease, there is no point trying to find someone new.  It is far to upsetting for that.

I am not sure about any of the progress I have made – this feels like it calls everything into question.  I have no idea where to turn.

I have become even more stuck at home.  My anxiety has been running higher recently.  I was going to say “high than normal”… but I have no idea what normal looks like.  So I am afloat in a world I do not understand, and that does not understand me.

Okay… I can pull myself together, and push on forward.  That is about all I can do. 

I will have more to say on this later.

And They’re Off and Running!

I realized just today, that one of the big problems I have with weekends, is that it’s a race – I need to have fun, before I have depression.  Once the depression starts, it’s all over.

Most times things do go bad it starts with very high anxiety.  That changes your blood chemistry – it’s like that moment when your body goes into Fight or Flight mode.  Except it lasts 10-30 minutes.

After that the body and mind sort of crash.  And suddenly I am totally set up for depression.  It does not always happen!

The nice thing about this blog is that having a better idea of what is happening, makes it easier to find a way of avoiding it!!  In this case, I see I need things to start with having fun – or at lest soon after the anxiety crash.  And it’s not as easy as it sounds!  Everyone would rather have fun!

But I keep inching forward… learning new things that make other things fit together better.  In that way, it’s just like Physics.

This actually came to me while I was commenting on a Facebook post!

Another Weekend Lost…

to Depression.

There is nothing new in this.  It happens most of the time… at least to some extent.   I plan for things.  Almost every week, I have a “plan”.  It’s really more of a hope now.  But there are so many hurdles to get thru.  And one small mistake, and I tip over the edge.

Anxiety, I am better at managing.  Not really good… but better.  With planning, I can usually overcome even strong anxiety.  Like tomorrow I have to take 2 cats to the Vet.  That is only about 5 blocks away.  But I am already having to deal with the anxiety.

But I have never learned how to overcome depression in that way.  My Doctors tell me it can’t be done… not by brut force anyway.  I can sometimes push myself thru my anxiety.  There is a cost, but I can usually do it.  Depression?  Not so much.

The nature of depression takes away all will, caring, all positive emotions, and leaves very little else.  It’s like trying to just overcome a coma.

Nothing matters…

Always the Failure – Please Point it Out Again

I fail.  But then I almost always do.  Good thing there is someone to point out my failures to me.  Otherwise I might actually start feeling better about myself.

I know I have a horrible time getting things done.  With my mental issues, and back and knee pain pretty much all the time… but I try to feel good about what I do. 

I can not carry heavy things with my left hand – my fingers and thumb have joint injuries.  My toes have joint issues too, making it difficult to keep my balance at times.  But I still try to move around and I do what I can.  It is never enough.

I can not get things done.  I know that.  I try to work around it.  Of course I am writing about my own wants as well.  I have been trying to get my office set up for a year.  It’s pretty close, but there has been little progress recently.  I try to do house work first, then if I still can, I tinker in my office.

Depression and anxiety are the biggest hurdles I face.  Yesterday I was out of bed about 5 hours the whole day.  I did not eat.  Right now I am getting ready to go take a nap.  Not because I am tired, but because I am depressed, and I feel like life is worthless, and pointless.  It is just the same thing over and over.  Nothing ever gets better.

I know this is all my fault.  There is something wrong with me.  I have no more control over it than when the Sun will come up.  But I still have to be responsible, and acknowledge my failure.

Funny word “fault”.  My father used to tell me that assessing fault is a fool’s game.  There is no way to ever know for sure who’s fault things are.

Pushing People Away – an Example

Today I messed up plans I had been working on for weeks – months actually.  It was to meet someone I have been wanting to meet for years.  How much of that should I say?

It was all set for next week.  And then cats going to the Vet, and Mother’s Day came in, and I blew my plans apart so completely, that I ended up having to unfriend this person on Facebook.  (Yes I am back on Facebook)

I can not go out very often.  When things get too complicated, my brain stops relating to it, and it all has to go away – Start Again.

I am sure this is one of the major reasons I do not have any close friends.  When it comes to going out to do things, it is all rather problematic.  It is actually easier to have people over… but we live a little out of the way.

ANYWAY… my point is that when plans get upset, they generally fall apart entirely, and may then never happen.  That amounts to pushing people away.  My brain must eliminate the cause of the distress… It ends up being bad for me, and I have hurt someone.

My brain is my own worst enemy.

How to Motivate a Mountain

I may not actually be a mountain, but when it comes to getting me motivated, I am as much so.  I do not know how to motivate myself… worse, I do not know how Lori can motivate me to do things around here.

It is a difficult situation.  It comes back to the problem that I do not know what if feels like to be “happy”.  My psychiatrist and I talked about this.  My brain is confusing what might be “happy”, with the feeling of moving into depression.  Now that is for some later Blogs.

For now, the problem is how do I teach my brain to understand what is happening?  Success – that is what I need to experience more of.  Then I think it will get easier to motivate myself.

BUT for now, nothing is working!