Tag Archives: travel

A Man, a Plan, a Canal, Panama

A nice palindrome.

Ortelius_-_Maris_Pacifici_1589

I do not do well at traveling.  People who know me, know that.

Sometimes, someone will suggest a place to go… it is interesting.  So we talk about it.  There are enticing ideas of things we could do, and I get optimistic.  And there will be a plan.  So I wait… they will have a plan.  And I wait… and wait…

People who know me also know my brain never stops thinking.  So I roll the idea around in the back of my mind.  In an absence of new information, my brain comes up with more bad things about the trip, than good things.  Eventually, I reach a tipping point where I no longer feel comfortable with the whole idea.

Then they get mad at me.  It is my fault that I was not patient enough to wait for the plans, which never seem to be forthcoming.  I could just assume it will happen, but my brain does not, never has, and probably never will be able to do that.  People know that about me.

But no matter how many times people see the same results, they will keep trying to plan trips by the same method.  What did Einstein say about intelligence?  I am supposed to rewire my brain, and react to the same stimuli in a new way.  But they – the sane ones – get to follow the same path, and it always becomes my fault.

I am growing very tired of this.

SO… I will NOT travel overnight to any new places for the remainder of this year, nor probably throughout all of next year as well.  If others wish to travel, I will wish them a Bon Voyage.

Again… I can not change the way my brain works, and I have grown increasingly unable to push myself beyond my limits, to meet the conditions meted out by others.

Inside out, and Outside In

Some things are going well… and some things are not.  But overall, I like the direction I am headed.  I suspect this is all part of my plan.

At home, things are going very well.  I am getting more done, and feeling better about it.  There are still some anxiety management issues… and I am not going to let myself go crazy with expectations.  I know the anxiety is here to stay – nothing magic will make it just go away.  But I am more positive about managing it (at home) than I have been for a long time.

It’s getting out, and socializing that is not working.  Once again, being more comfortable in what I am doing, may be making it harder to do other things.  I will deal with them later.  But I have got my hopes up about doing things with people a couple of times, only to have it fall apart.  Crap…

BUT… one things at a time… right?

I still crash out a few times a week, but now about half the time I will read in bed instead of just hiding under the covers.  Another improvement.  I may read junky books sometimes, but SO WHAT!

There are times when I can get lost in my own activities – sure, it does not last long, but at least it happens.  I try to pay more attention to these times than to when I am feeling bad – I am not doing very well at that.  Things will get better.

There is still hope for Chartreuse

My time has been too full the last several days.  There is a family problem to deal with, cats to the vet, and a new crown on a tooth… Too much.

Yesterday I started falling under the pressure.  I am okay, but I have been drained, and I am just sort of coasting along, trying to make things work.  One thing at a time.

I am feeling better about my trip last week, and the next one coming up.  But I have more important things to worry about now.

I have picked the next psychologist I will try going to… though I do not know when that will be.  Some time in the next month or so, I will go.  But as things around home continue to stabilize, I am fine with seeing how it goes for a few more weeks.  Starting to see someone new will take energy, and resolve, but it will help a lot in the long run.

My psychiatrist recommended her, and likes my plan of letting things settle a bit more first.

As for today?  I do not expect to get much done.  It will come in short bursts of energy.  And sometimes, I get a lot done that way.  It all depends on how the first few things go.  I will pick initial tasks that are pretty well defined, and easy to do.  That gives me the best start… and the best chance at success.

All I want is to tinker around the house, and get some things done to make it easier to do more… and then more.  I would like to get the garage finished – it should only take a couple of hours… spread out over a couple of days.

Small plans lead to big accomplishments.

And that nice new chartreuse ink I got is great for highlighting!

They Have a Cat Named Shelly…

The Sylvia Beach Inn has a cat that roams the entire building.  Her name is Shelly.  This last time I was there, when I first went to leave my room Wednesday morning, Shelly was sitting in the hall, facing my door, and meowing.

She knows a cat person when she sees one.

Shelly also followed me around most of the day.  Crazy cat.

It was very relaxing, and rewarding to be in Newport.  Don’t go looking for Silvia Beach though… that was a person.  She owned a Shakespeare bookstore in London.  The hotel is at Nye Beach.  There are no TVs, or even wi-fi.  The place is ALL about reading.  And I sure did my share this last trip.

The whole trip was fun – except as previously noted in my last Blog.  But it got me into a whole new range of thoughts.  Is it enough that is was so fun to be there?  Or does it need to have a lasting effect when I get home, to make it worth going?  I have been thinking about that way too much.

I have also been thinking about the panic I had that second night.  Maybe I need a flannel blanket.  I suspect this is a problem that would gradually fade, even if I do not do anything about it.  As I get used to being there, and sleeping there, the anxiety should fade away.  But I am still going to have a Plan B.

My next trip will be in a few weeks.  I think it will be a lot of fun… I am going to go to the Aquarium again.  Maybe I will go a new place.  But the point of being the is the Hotel.  So I don’t expect to go many places.  Good food is close at hand…

Back Home, and into the Real World

Yesterday I got back from Newport again.  Things went pretty well, and I was able to relax most of the time.  I read 2+ books, and had some nice meals.  I met a nice couple from Albuquerque that I had breakfast with twice.  I also bought myself a present.

But there were also problems.  One was that I kept in too close contact with Lori, and it kept me thinking about things at home too much.  Even though they were mostly good things, so it did take time to relax again.

The main problem I had was the late evenings.  Both nights, I had way too much anxiety.  The second night, I almost had a panic attack – I was able to deal with it, but just barely.  It was very bad.  I wanted to come home.  So I will need to figure out that issue.

I did not sleep very much, but I did not feel very tired, so I think it was okay.

And I have a plan.  I think I should stay up in the reading room until later into the night.  I was going back down to my room to read, too early.  Once I was back in my room, the anxiety started to build.  Maybe I was not ready to go back to my room – the reading room on the top floor is a very special place.

I came home feeling more relaxed than when I left – that was not the case after the first trip.  So things are improving, and I expect that to continue.  I was very relaxed while I was there, (except as noted).

There will be more about my trip in further Blogs… including some things I wrote while I was there.

This Blog Starts on Tuesday, Jan. 7th…

These are some short notes I wrote while in Newport, Oregon this week…

Here I am – 100 miles from home… by myself.  I have never gone on a trip by myself, to be by myself in my entire life.  Right now I am wondering about whether I have done the right thing!  My anxiety is way up, and I have a great desire to go home.

I do like it here – it is quiet, and there are nice places to eat and shop.  But mainly I am here because of the wonderful Ocean View reading room on the 3rd floor.  I am in the Jules Verne room of the hotel – there is a squid tentacle across the ceiling… it is a little intimidating!  I have some fresh 3-cheese sourdough bread, and wine, so I am not starving.

But the big thing is that I am here!

It is my hope for this to become a place for me to go and get away – what do I have to get away from?  A fair question.  It is not as if I have a complicated life that needs a lot of relaxation.  Actually… it is exactly like I have a complicated life, and need a lot of relaxation.  I need to get away. We have been coming here for a couple of years, so I already feel comfortable here, but this is a bit more of a test.

I have already had several episodes of wanting to run away.  It hurts.  I have put a lot of time and effort into being able to come here.  I can not give up so easily.

Day2

Well… I have actually been here less than a day.  But it is my full day here.  I had a nice breakfast, and then went out to get the things I forgot – toothpaste et.al.  I am back on the 3rd floor in the ocean view reading room.  Much of my day will be here – I do not feel like going out.

Last night was very difficult.  After dinner at Nana’s Pub, I came back to read.  As the evening went on, my anxieties grew.  I had to fight a huge desire to go home.  It took a long time to get to sleep… though I did sleep well once I fell off.

I have been preparing my thoughts for this rip for over a month.  I know this place well enough to have figured out exactly what I would do each day – almost each hour.  That keeps me going.  All I have to decide is what to eat.  And I studied the menu of the one place I am going, so I know what to expect.  This is a place for reading, and my Kindle is full.  And I have music and movies on my tablet.  So I planned carefully to the last detail.

I could not have even thought of doing this f I did not know, and like this place so much.  I have had this concept in the back of my thoughts for over a year.  I was very careful.

Yesterday when I arrived, I was ready for everything to go wrong.  I was worried, and upset.  But so far, everything has been just as planned – except locking my keys in the car.  But then, that is why I had a spare key in my pocket.  I was very careful in my planning.  I only forgot to bring my snacks… so I bought some here.  No problem.

Tacos and Margaritas

I don’t know about you, but that sounds good to me.  Especially going out with a friends to share them.  It would be fun!

Alas… it is not something I can do.  I would love to do things like that.  How great would it be do be able to go out on a nice weekend day and have fun with fun people?  Not going to happen.

I am stuck here.  And pressures seem to be pushing more in that direction.  I have less energy, and I just can not push myself as much as I used to.  I can not go out.

But DO NOT confuse that with a desire to not go out!!!

Make no mistake… I am here because my life dictates that the cost of going out is just too high.  Usually too high to even start.

Session – Oct. 24, 2012

I had session today – the first in three weeks!  I have been trying to go more than that over the last few months, but I was not too bad off before this session.

Mostly we talked about where I am with my meds, and how to handle my increased anxiety and OC behavior.  Since I am on new meds, I am waiting a few more weeks to let things settle in before deciding on taking more.  So far I think I will need it…

So I am having to go back, and relearn some of the relaxation techniques I learned 6-7 years ago.  I got out of the habit of working on those so much.  And now I am back at it.

I am now having more anxiety before I go out – anticipatory anxiety.  And it can be a real problem!  Sometimes I feel like I can’t even get out the door.  And planning can be a challenge.  I have to be careful to not push myself too much, or I will completely fall apart and not be able to go at all.

Once I do get out the door, my anxiety moves over to the normal phobia type… I have to deal with the real fear of actually being out in the world.  It gets worse or better depending on where I am going, and what I will do there.  Familiar places are not too bad – unless they are like the dentist etc. 

Currently, I am having significantly higher anxiety of both types.  It is harder to think about going out; to get ready to go out; and to actually get out the door.  And while I am out, the anxiety is worse than it has been in years.  I have generally been able to fight thru it because I have learned that it will pass, and I know I will get thru it.  That is not enough, but it helps…

So I come home more drained, and feeling flatter.  It takes a lot longer to recover.

Now I am working on resurrecting some of the techniques I learned years ago when my anxiety was uncontrolled.  Mostly I am trying to take deep breaths and relax my brain – that does involve needing to be somewhat alone, but it helps.  And I am paying more attention to planning simpler trip.

All in all, it works… but I need session to rehearse some of these relaxation methods.  And I will be bringing back more home tricks I used in the past – that will leave me more energy for going out.

It’s going to take some time… but it will work!

After a Trip

After Lori and I go on a trip, there is the inevitable crash.  We got home Monday… yesterday I was feeling tired and stressed.  Today I am depressed and on the verge of crashing out completely.  I should be better tomorrow.

But this part of traveling is my least favorite.  Before we go, I have to go thru a lot of anxiety about being away from home.  It is difficult to get thru, and Lori has to deal with it.  But it’s not really as bad as the after trip crap I have to deal with.

I don’t get to savor the fun… I don’t get to feel all rested and happy about the great trip – not until several days later anyway.  When Lori comes home from work-travel, we will be able to talk about the fun plays and all, and it will be good again.  But there are always those few days right after the trip where I have to feel like my world is falling apart… for no reason.

This will pass.  The really bad times always do… I know that.  Thru session, I have learned that I always get better.  That’s a thing about humans – if we give ourselves half a chance, we always get better.  And I know I will to.

But for today… I am very low, and depressed, and wanting to just hide away and pretend the rest of the world is not there (except my Facebook friends).  Even being on line is difficult though.  I just want to hide.

New Anxiety Meds

I can tell my new meds are not as good at handling anxiety.  This trip has been very difficult – though fun!  My anxiety has been running very high.  I could not do this without Lori being here.  But they are new meds… so they need time to settle in.

This was always a possibility with the new meds though.  I have been on them for a bit over a month… they are working very well when I am home.  It will be difficult to get some of it right because I will not be going on another trip for several months.  My trips are so far apsrt I can’t really gauge anything by them.

Anyway… we are having a good time, and Lori is helping me manage my anxiety so I don’t go running out of restaraunts and such!