Tag Archives: therapy

Those Struggling Days

Am here I am.  Yesterday was quite a struggle, and today will be more of the same.  My mind is in somewhat of a turmoil as I try to organize all the different thoughts I have about session.  My moods are going all over the charts today.

And on top of that, I am feeling particularly unproductive – so there are many things I should be doing.  I am trying to tinker away at some of those… it is not all bad.  But my mood changes too quickly to get much done.

I still can not decide what to do… I can’t even think much about the alternatives.  I think my brain is closed for repair.

I Have FBS…

Full Brain Syndrome

There is way too much to think about.  Thoughts are swirling thru my mind, and it is hard to get a hold on any of them.

Yesterday was my first session with a new psychologist.  It went very well, and we seems to get along.  I will be going back for at least 1 more session… probably next week.  But there is still a lot to think about.

After my session yesterday, my mind was overwhelmed, and I was not able to think about it very much.  I took a mental vacation.  Today I am starting to have some clear thoughts about it… that will go on for a few days.

So… I am still not ready to write much.  I will get it all sorted out soon enough.

My “Intake” Session

Today I went to a session with a new psychologist.  I do not know how I feel about it yet.  How much can I learn in 1 hour?

We covered a lot of ground, but very superficially.  I have not made a decision about how I think we will get along.  I should see her at least one more time.

There are too many thots to write much.  I just want to have a special dinner and haze-out.

Changing My Name…

It is a difficult thing to write this Blog.  I have recently been thinking about changing my last name to Kahl.  I do already get some things addressed to me as Neil Kahl.  And when wine arrives, I even sign Neil Kahl – that is to match Lori’s name because she ordered it.

The logistics are messy, but not difficult.

But why would I even consider this?

That is one of the most difficult answers I have ever thought about.  Do I have a family anymore?  Is it time for me to move on, and start in a new place, with a new name?  Does it even have to be Kahl?

I have been estranged from my “family” for more than a decade.  I was not able to go to my nephew’s weddings., or to even meet my grand-niece.

The reasons for this, go to the core of my existence.  It is part of why I am where I am.  If this one thing had not been there, I do not know how far I could have gone.  It combined with my internal mental issues, took over my life.  If either had not been there, my life would have been very different.

I was born too early for the new meds.  So that would have been hard to change.  Tranquilizers would not have been enough.  I tried an antidepressant in 1983, and it was terrible!!  I had a racing heart-rate, and could not eat.  So it would have not made a big of a difference it I had been diagnosed earl.

Combine that with other “factors”, and my life became a constant struggle to keep going.  I can’t do it anymore.

So… this issue is central to this entire subject.

It will be very difficult to write about.  But I will.  I will not hide who I am.  So you guys out there will get to see deeply into my life.  I hope you enjoy the ride.

NOTE::  I am thinking “Macdonald” might be a good name.  I have ancestors that were Macdonald’s.  The lower case is intended.

I Am About to Write About My Road to Recovery…

Wednesday I will be meeting a new psychologist.  It raises my anxiety.  But this is something I have been preparing for for quite a while, so I am as ready as I can be.  Life has not been kind, but we all have to make our own way thru it.

Monday… I am feeling a great deal of anxiety about this whole thing!  I know I have to follow thru, but my mind is quickly working on excuses for not going.  It would make my life so much easier (in the short term) to just stay home, and keep going as I am.

That would not be a very good approach…  Though it is very appealing right now.  This is one of those times when I have to really push myself to do what I know I need to do.  Just typing that made me feel depressed.  Why should I have to push so much to do things that are so clearly necessary?

There is no “why”.  There is no explanation that will make me feel any better about it.  It is what it is.

Today I will have to just deal with it.  Then tomorrow is tomorrow.  I will worry about that in the morning.  There is plenty for today already.

I will spend a lot of today trying to relax.  There are small things I can do to occupy my mind.  I call it “tinkering”, and I will need to do a lot of it!  I am going to try to focus on my things, so it will feel more rewarding to me.  There are other responsibilities too… but I will mix it all together, and tinker.

I do not even know if this psychologist will work out for me, and I have fears of having to start looking again.  I try to put those thoughts out of my mind, but the are real concerns.  I may not even know the answer to for several weeks… it could take a few sessions to figure this all out.  I know that…

So this is where I am.  And all I can actually do is push forward… keep going… and hope for the best.

Silent Progress

I have sort of made some progress in these last few days…

There are some decisions I need to make.  I meet with my new psychologist Wednesday.  There is so much to think about.

I will, of course, have to try to go along with how things go at my intake session with someone new.  How much do I say?  I  suspect I will know, but I would like to have some ideas before going in.

When should I give permission for her to talk with my former psychologist (whom, incidentally, is no longer seeing patients at all for a while, so I understand better). I am tending towards the 2nd session… but why wait?

There are many more things I have thought of… to try to figure out how to be ready.  Even if things go completely unexpectedly, it will make it easier to go if I have some of this figured out.  Make sense?

Beginning Again…

Next week I will see a new psychologist… I am hoping this will work out, and I will be back in therapy.  Of course… I have a lot of anxiety about it, and it will get worse.  But this is a good chance at a new beginning.

I know it will just be the beginning of a long process – I have fallen back quite a way over the last few months.  But I have the tools and knowledge to make this work.  And I have the will to push myself when I need to.  There will be progress.

This is also the beginning of a most difficult time of year.  The Holliday’s are great, but they are also draining.

While we were in Ashland, I was around other people as much as what would normally be several months for me.  It ultimately did me in.  I missed the last 3 plays we were going to see.  But I held together enough to enjoy our time there, and had fun.  So it was a good start.

I am also trying to plan a single night trip somewhere close, just for myself.  Maybe a little get-away.  It will happen if it easily fits in, but this, I will not push so much on.  It’s a lark.

The key now it is do more, but not too much.  I am not sure I know where that line is, but I am sure I will find it!

Stick with me, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

That’s One Small Step For… Me

I have started looking for a new therapist.  My former psychologist has recommended a couple of people I am contacting today – LOTS of anxiety about this. 

But I think we can all agree, that I really need to get going again, and this is the way to go.

My last psychologist is no longer doing therapy.  I can understand that.  It must be very draining to conduct therapy.  I will be staying in touch though.

I do known she helped me put my life back together when I most needed it.  And she probably saved our marriage.  I remember the people who have helped me in my life.  This is a big one!

There will be more on this soon.

Watching the Minute Hand Move

I do not know what to do now…

I will not be going back into therapy right away as I had hoped.  I will need some time to establish my footing again.  Then I will start looking for some alternative.  And my path is not as obvious as it would seem.

But my confidence is fading.  How am I supposed to trust a system where I can be dropped after 8 years of therapy, and then be ignored.  It does not seem very professional to me.  But it is not up to me I suppose..

If I have to start therapy over from the beginning, with someone new, it will hard for me to build confidence.  And there will be a lot for anyone new to learn before we can really get anywhere.  And why should I trust anyone anyway??

Unfortunately, I do not have much of a choice.  I can not continue the way I have the last few months.  In the next few weeks, I will have to make some difficult decisions.  Things that will affect the rest of my life.  I need to do the right thing.

And… I do not even know how long to wait for a response to my email.  Three days seems like enough time for her to have replied.  I suppose I could still hear, but I am not sure how to react.  The delays in hearing back, and the difficulty of making appointments was the main reason I stopped going in the first place.

Her Web Site says she is not currently taking therapy patients.  So I guess my answer is there.  Maybe that is my answer.

ADDITIONAL: I will remain patient as I can. Smile 

I Do Not Know What to Write

Tuesday morning, I emailed my former psychologist.  I have to get back into therapy – it has been 6 months.  Things have been going downhill too much recently.

Now on Friday, I am feeling very low.  I am still waiting to hear.  Yes I am sure I sent it to the correct address.

I do not know what to write while I am waiting, but I think I have waited long enough to be fully worried about this.  I have no idea what I will do now.

A Thousand Clowns

That is one of my favorite movies, but it connects here too.

Most of the time, there are dozens, if not hundreds of thoughts that want my attention.  The problem is that I can not turn them off.  I am not hearing voices or anything… but when my anxiety is bad, it is as if there are things I must think about swamping my thoughts.  I can not control my own thinking.

It can take a great effort to stay focused, and not let any of the other thoughts take over.  The thoughts themselves are often reasons why I should not do something.  I get over-run by them.  It can be a huge stopper!

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I crash out, and that is the end of my day.  And sometimes I just get tired of trying so hard, and I give up.  I can use my meds to calm my mind.

The better solution is to be able to simply ignore them.  No, I am thinking about this right now thank you.  Some times I can’t do it.

Sometimes this all works to my advantage.  When I have wanted to design something, or a better design, that swamping feeling is almost like a system for sifting.  I will see something radically different, that amazes me.  Recently that happened with the design of a way of hanging models.  I simplified it from about 6-8 hours to make, to about 30 minutes.

Anyway… I digress…

Usually it feels so overwhelming that I have to either medicate, or shut down.  I do not like that choice.  I would say I go about 50/50 on what I do.  On the weekends, I make a much greater effort to just keep going – Lori is home, and I want to spend time with her.  It does not often work though.

And then tomorrow I go thru it all over again.  And my brain will feel like a small car full of a thousand clowns.

To Go Hermit, or Not to Go Hermit? That is the Question…

There is a horrible argument raging in my thoughts.  My mind is locked in a battle for which I have already determined the outcome.  At least the outcome I prefer.

The question:  Therapy, or giving up.

Therapy is simple… everyone understands what I mean.  Giving up?  It does not mean I would go anywhere, but I would give up on the outside world.  I do not know completely what this would mean… just that I would eliminate most of my more difficult problems.

Now… I am intellectually sure therapy is the right way to go.  It has helped a lot in the past.  But I have great fears this time.  There are things that could go very wrong even before I get started.  So it is an imposing obstacle.

The alternative would be to shut down… essentially.  I would pull myself back into my cave, and disappear.  I do not know how this would work.  Or if it would work.

In reality, the answer is pretty obvious – therapy.  There is no real argument.  But my mind will not stop thinking about it.  I have to figure out the details… all of the details.   Even if the do not matter.  I can not stop the process mid-run.  So my mind goes on… and on… and on…

There are some good distractions – like writing this.  But distractions take effort.  And I run out of energy as the day goes on.  It gets harder and harder to fight the battle.  Then I crash out, and go to bed.

But the argument goes on.

Start With a Good Foundation

The first thing I need to do, is build a foundation.  It is very difficult to reach out when I can barely make it thru the week.  So my current effort is to get my environment more restful, and to start to feel better about being here at home.  I need to be able to relax more.  I need to use my energies more effectively.

Going out of town was a strange way to start that, but it did help.  I came home from Newport with more optimism, and hope.  Now I am trying to put that optimism to work, to help me here… where I live.

The idea is that I am wasting too much energy dealing with things around here to have the energy to go out – even for therapy. 

My office is very nice, but remains unfinished.  It is very close, but figuring out these last details is very draining.  And my efforts seem to go for nothing.  It is getting better.  I have been able to make a couple of moves this week, that will help.  It is important for me to keep moving.

There are obstacles… but I have seen them all before, and I need to slip by them and get some small things done.  I can do that!  It takes a lot of effort, but I can do some of the simpler things, and start to decrease how much effort those things will take. 

Just today (Saturday) I got some good little things done to help out in my office.  So I have had a good day!  I have done more than I would have expected.  Nice… Smile

Success decreases resistance.

I have to be careful to plan things out (way too much), to try to avoid wasting effort.  But the foundation I need is within my grasp.  Once my comfort level is up, it will be easier to take more chances.  Then I can get back into therapy, and more progress will be forthcoming.