Tag Archives: therapy

What is this Blog for?

I started writing my Blog when I was feeling very lost, and I needed a way to communicate… especially to people who knew me. I was going thru therapy, and trying to put together all the little pieces I was learning about myself.

I was trying to move back into the mainstream, while hopefully saying some things that sounded familiar to some other people. I wanted to do something.

That all changed.

Somewhere back a couple of years… or so. As I slid farther into isolation, I would stop writing for periods. My Blogs and my journal writing became sporadic. I tried to keep going, but I found fewer and fewer things to write about… NOT fewer things to think about… I just didn’t see the point in writing about them.

I feel a little selfish saying I had hoped for my outreach to help me with building friendships too. I thought if only I could make people understand, they would be more likely to want to be friends. It did not work out that way. If anything, I think it has served to frighten them, and push them even farther into history.

Now they are all gone… if they were ever there to begin with.

I have come to realize that no-one in their “right mind” would ever want to be friends with me. I am “crazy”. I have said so myself in these Blogs. And it seems everyone took it to heart. And now I have finally given up on friends.

So what is this Blog for?

I have no idea. I have a few followers. So someone is reading. And I still may have useful things to say. But now it has become more of a burden than a blessing. It should not be like that.

I either need to find a new reason for writing. Or I should give it up and move on. I am not ready to decide. But I have to think about it… I have too many things to think about. It slips thru the cracks in my thoughts. I can not decide much of anything anymore.

I have moved completely off the grid. To all those people I knew, I have vanished. I no longer exist. Even to myself, I am a shadow of myself.

I used to Keep a Journal

In 2013, I completed about 17 journals. I was doing a lot of writing. So far this year, I have written… maybe 1. I am not sure why I stopped. But it happened in just a couple of weeks.

I have not wanted to try to figure out what happened, but for some reason it just didn’t matter anymore. Since then, I have tried starting up again… it only lasts a few days. I have only written a few pages in the last 6 months.

Writing was therapeutic. It helped me organize my thoughts towards understanding where the hell I was. It stopped helping. I think it’s important to understand why.

Before the internet, I used to write letters. Long letters. People don’t write letters anymore. It’s a little sad. Writing is more personal, and more expressive. Here, I have plain, bold, italic… but every word I write carries its own expression. That’s also why I like fountain pens.

When I write, the word flows out of my pen. The loops vary… the width of the line varies. There is emotion in every movement of the pen. The same word will vary in appearance in different parts of the same writing – emotion changes and flows.

A keyboard can never do that.

Reports of My Demise have been Greatly Made Up

I am still here… still struggling.  But I am still moving forward.  Things are slowly getting better for me at home.  I am getting more done.  There are times when I have to deal with setbacks… but isn’t that just part of life?

I have been sitting at my workbench, watching Futurama… and Once Upon a Time.  I stream them from my own Video Server.  I can get a lot done once I get into the right state of mind.  Add some espresso, and good food, and I am all set!

There are still some major problems to deal with – one thing at a time.  But I really do feel as if I am on the right track.  At least most of the time I think so.

We Have Dealt with the Whole “Crazy” Issues Enough for Now – So a Report Card.

So… I am doing much better in 2 major parts of my life:

1)  I am doing much more at home.  Both household jobs, and hobby activities, are getting done more often, and easily.  It is generally easier for me to do most everything.  I have been able to manage anxiety, and avoid depression most of the time.  I am having an easier time calming my mind.

2)  Going out is becoming easier – within limitations.  There are very few places I can go by myself, but with planning, I have even gone on an overnight trip by myself!!  I am now also much more confident about going places with Lori – I think I could prepare to go just about anywhere.

These do not solve all my problems.  I am by no means finished.  And there are always pitfalls, and obstacles to overcome.  I still have to crash out often.  But I recover.  And I am able to move on with just a bit of lost time.

There are other issues.  But I am trying to most concentrate my efforts on the above 2.  If I can get those under more control, I will be ready to move on to the other, and bigger problems… in time.

I give myself  B+

 

My Life’s Passion

As far back as I can remember, I have been Obsessed with efficiency.  Every movement is a test in efficiency.  How I do everything is carefully designed.  And there are so many outside intrusions – things I must think about.

This may be one of the reasons I like building scale models – there is an exactness to it that most hobbies do not have, (though some have more).  It is all about the detail.  It is impossible for me to do, or observe anything without thinking about how to make it better or more efficient.  Just ask Lori.

It is as fundamental a part of my life, as glass is to Dale Chihuly.  It is what my brain does best.  And it matters that it matter.

I design things in my mind… things I can make in my shop.  The design gets better and better – read that as fewer and simpler parts.  But I get to a Eureka point, where I know I am done.  Suddenly, I know the designing is the best I can make it… move on.  This is such a good feeling… it is like everything being perfect, all at once.

It can take a while to get there.  But the more freedom my mind feels, the more easily I reach that feeling.  It is a very good thing.

I am trying to change how I live, to make my life more conducive to that feeling.  Part of it is getting away from home, from time to time.  My hobbies are another big thing.  But whatever it is, getting to do those things, gives my mind the joy, and reassurance we all need.  Freedom of mind is very important.  It gives me Peace.

SOON:: Distractions of the Mind

I Can’t Even Explain it to Myself

I can not deal with complex social issues.  Well… not really even so complex.  When there are too many issues going around, I can not keep them all clear in my mind, anxiety grows, and there is a crashing sound in the back of my brain – figuratively.

I can plan only one thing at a time.  I can only have one trip out of home, in my thoughts.  If other events, or possibilities intrude, I can not go on.  Even if the events would be fun for me.  How fun something might be, has nothing to do with how my anxiety will grow.

Even a simple shopping trip will take all my thoughts and energies.  Adding one more place to go can bring down the entire house of cards.  No-one understands it… I do not understand it.  I know how it works… the affects it has… but the process is beyond my ability to comprehend.

My life has to remain simple.  There can not be too many things to figure out, or to do. 

My mind is not as strong as it once was.  I used to be able to think thru all sorts of issues, and problems.  My brain got tired.  Times change.  I am not what I used to be.  And I just can not hold social events in my mind… even the simple ones.

Oh I can still design complex things I can build.  I can do all the designing visually in my mind… and I sometimes come up with some very impressive ways to simplify something I want to make.  I can still visualize complex, multiple parts in my mind in 3D.  Wonderful, complex machines…

But when it comes to me, and my life… I get easily lost.  Even just going to Walgreen’s can fill my thoughts.  It will be all I can handle.

So… How Am I Really Doing?

I put on a good show… even in therapy.  I am always in a “better” mood when I talk, or share about myself.  Yup… When I am feeling worse – more normal – I do not communicate much at all.  I learned a long time ago that people do not want to see the truth if they think there is nothing they can do.

So this is Me Lite. 

I make plans as if I am actually going to follow thru.  Every evening I think about what I could do tomorrow.  It almost never happens.  I can not go places, or accomplish things at home.  Everyday I struggle to get up, and get going.  I probably would not if it weren’t for the kitties – they need feeding, and one needs meds.

It is all I can do to get thru most days.  Anxiety and depression take a constant toll.

But it’s not like I have a lot of options.  There is more I need to do – it just takes more planning and energy than I have.  I want to be able to relax more, but having actual fun seems out of reach.  It does not happen very often.  Most days I just get thru…

Maybe I am better, but I am not seeing it.

Wanting to Go Out

Sure!  There are times I want to go out, and can’t.  It hurts, and sometimes I crash out as a result.  But even that can get better.

I plan my trips carefully – I am sure my readers understand that.  I try to only go out once a week, and I try to go to some fun place if I have to go somewhere not-so-fun.  But even that is not enough sometimes.  And then I feel like I have failed.

Many of you know how it feels to not be able to go out at the last minute.  It feels like such a huge personal failure.  But think of this – if your leg was in a cast up to your hip, you would not be so hard on yourself for not going.  You have a cast on your brain!  Smile

OK… that is not really a very good analogy… but it is true. 

We are only just beginning to develop an understanding of how the brain works.  It is the most complex machine on Earth.  So give yourself a break.  If others can not, or will not see how you suffer, then their evaluation of the situation is faulty – to say the least.  You know, and that is what matters.

I do not know who the “you” is that I am writing about… but you do.

When I fail to go out, it does not bother me as much as it used to.  The people whose judgment I was so keen to accept, are not here anymore.  They have all faded away.  Now there are very few left… but they are the ones who matter.  They are the ones who try to understand.  And when they can’t, they still make allowances.

Listen to those friends.

And listen to your own mind, and heart.  It is your life to enjoy, or not.  And you can make it what you need it to be.

Now… I am saying all this to myself as much as to anyone who reads this.  These are things I have to remind myself of every day.  Above are just some of the things I have to remind myself of every day.  It’s like a ritual – I have plenty of those too, but that is for a different Blog.  My life is mine to live… people who don’t get it, or won;y try, are not my problem.

The Agoraphobic Lifestyle

Embrace your Agoraphobia, and make it work for you.  I do not mean to huddle in your home forever, but by working with your agoraphobia, you can prioritize, and actually do more, and get out more.

This is what I have done in the past, and am working on doing more now.  Most of my life and interests are here in this house… but I want to be able to go out when I need to, and for fun things for me.  I want to be able to go on trips, and visit places I like.  Next month I am even planning an over-night trip by myself!

So the goal becomes to make those trips easier by not going out when I really don’t have to.  The anxiety of going out – planning going out – is greatly reduced.  In the long run, I end up being able to go out more often, with less anxiety.  But don’t push it!!!  That is the key.  Don’t let things start to pressure you to go too fast, or too far.

I will never be able to go out like most people, but that does not mean I have to live in fear… under the anxiety that comes.  This gives me more control, and that leads to a better life.  There are so many fun things I can do here at home!  And they get easier when I have less anxiety.

Of course… having things delivered helps.  There are things that have to be worked out.  But it can be done, and things get better for everyone.  Personally, I do not see the downside.  I do hope to keep making progress, and for things to get even easier.

My Own Worst Enema? What?? OOoOOooohh…

I know I tend to make things harder for myself, and people tend to not know what to do.  Eventually, I feel so isolated that I reach out too publically. 

It’s like shooting myself in the foot… I’m not getting anywhere with this.

But it’s OK.  I have been here before, and I know the way out… at least I think I do.  And that feels like enough right now.

So I guess I will work out the details, and move on.  And I am by no means the only person that lives this way.  There are many who struggle to fit in because things don’t quite connect the same way.  Some are more obvious… some less so.  Some of us spend decades learning how to behave in order to pass.  It is not as fun as it sounds.

So I will find a way past my latest setbacks, use my new knowledge (see previous Blog), and move forward.

NOTE: there should be no more ads in this Blog.

“Don’t Be Mad at Me”

That’s what Lori says… I was not mad, I was depressed.

But I am doing a lot better this morning than over the weekend.  I was trying to sleep all but about 7 hours the whole time, and did not eat.  Now I am starting to feel like I have a grip on my thoughts, and I am starting to see where to go.

Part of the problem I have been having since session last week, is that I was too focused on one outcome, and when things didn’t feel quite right, I did not know what to think.  I am not sure why it did not feel right.

Now I am thinking I am not ready to dive back into therapy.  I am not up to going thru all of that again – not after more than 8 years with the same therapist.  I need a more measured approach.  This is going to take some time to work into.

And I am alright with that!

So I am going to take this week to let things settle in my mind, and go back for a second session next week.  Then I can see how I am feeling about it all.

Slowly… take things slowly.  I am so tired of where I have been these last 6 months, that I was trying to rush myself too much.

Stick with me, and keep reading, because I will be making more progress.  Actually… I think I have made a lot of progress just by going to a new psychologist!  That is what I need to focus on.  Good things are happening.

New Efforts, in New Directions

I am struggling to decide what to do now…

I am not sure I feel comfortable with the new psychologist I saw.  I seemed wrong.  Though that could be normal.

Should I try seeing someone else?  Or would more choices just make things harder?  Things just do not feel right.

The last few days I have gradually fallen into depression trying to think about all this – or is it not trying to think about it all?  Whatever it is, it is clear I have a great internal conflict going on in my mind.  I get many glimpses of this conflict, and am slowly putting together some kind of thought… about it all.  Maybe.

That is about as much I can cobble together at this point.

I was only able to be up about 5 hours yesterday.  And it is already noon now – I have only been up a little while.  my mind shuts down, and I can not think about anything.  Some of you know that feeling all too well.

Little pieces of thought creep in, and eventually it makes for something… and sometimes it even helps me figure out something.  Usually I just try to go back to sleep.  It is a slow process, and I am not sure if it is actually getting anywhere, or if I am reaching for straws!

Maybe my brain is just trying to make itself feel better, and ignore the truth.  There could be a whole world lying in front of me, and I am unable to see it.  That seems to be the case… but I can not know.

So I keep going.  I do what I have to to keep going.

Where the Sky Meets the Earth

That’s where I am now.  I think I was expecting to feel more sure about things after going to session.  And I thought that when the session went well, I would know what to do next.  I do not.  I am even more confused.

So I am at a point where I have to just let things settle in my brain.  The the storm will subside.

But for now, there is a constant flurry of inter-related thoughts that never stick in my mind long enough to view, let alone resolve.  All I can do is let it pass, and try to calm myself.

It will work out.  And I have every reason to believe I am going in the right direction – I just wish to were easier.  I am slipping in and out of depression almost constantly – that makes it hard to do much of anything.  There are moments when I can think clearly, and periods when I can not.

I keep trying to think of things that might help me get thru this more quickly.  Nope… I am not seeing it.  I know from experience that I just have to wait it out.

Once things settle down in my mind, it will all start to crystalize in front of me.  I will see which way to go – though I am pretty sure I know what that will be.

For now… I will get thru the depression as it comes.

I Did Not See This Coming

I am depressed.

I knew I would have a lot to think about after my first session with a new psychologist.  But I did not anticipate being so overwhelmed by it.  I have not called to make another appointment… I can not get myself to make any decisions.  I am stuck.

Session went pretty well… and I feel good about it.  But I can not move on.  My mind will not integrate what is happening.  I am not even sure what is happening in my brain.  But whatever it is, I have not been able to think things thru to any kind of conclusion.  I know what I should do… but I can not be sure enough to do anything!

So I have struggled thru the last few days, just trying to stay awake, and as active as I can be.  It is not going well.

My Blogs have been a bit boring as well.  That comes from not knowing what to write… because I do not know what to think.

Depression has taken over my life the last few days, and I have not been able to shake it.  It is difficult to hold a thought.  I seem to even be rambling thru this Blog as well! 

I am frustrated.  There are so many thoughts running thru my mind, that I can not focus on any of them, and none lead to towards any conclusions.

I guess I should stop writing now… more later.