Tag Archives: struggle

Yesterday Was Really Bad

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I have had recently.  From the moment I got up, I struggled to stay going.  I was constantly pushing myself, and working at stopping upcoming crashes.  It was never a sure thing.

But thru it all… I held on.  I commented on my social media, and even got a few things done around here.  I was able to go on well enough that I am pretty sure no-one noticed.  I help up.  I even ate.

Days like that happen.  Usually there are breaks during the day, but this was just one of those days where nothing helped.

This is something I have got slowly better at.  I can struggle longer, and harder, and still make it thru.  It is one more small step forward.  I don’t think it will make any difference today… but these things add up.  I have to play the long game.

I just kept telling my brain to stop trying to crash me out, and relax, and go along one more time.  I pushed very hard.  One thing that has made a big difference, has been getting my office more user-friendly.  It makes it easier to relax.  If I can not control the flood of thoughts in my brain, then I can not stand up long.  Having my space, where I am comfortable, and I do not have chores to do, helps.

That’s good.  My paint-room is still lagging… but I do not need to spend time there, so I can ignore it… for now.  Things build up in my mind so quickly, I can not control the flow of thoughts.  So being where I am now, helps me slow down the input some.

Now I have today…

Life’s Distractions Cause Internal Struggles

I am far too easily distracted.  I can not walk thru the house without having a dozen or more things grab at my attention.  And I have a difficult time ignoring them.

My brain is running at full speed most of the time.  Several things can raise my anxiety at the same time, and I struggle to keep my mind on track.  When I think about something that has to be done, I must create a plan.  When there are too many things at once, my mind overloads, and I have to fight to regain my previous thoughts.  It might take a few seconds, or hours.

I am much better in the morning.  But as the day goes on, I get tired.  It starts to wear on me.  By mid-afternoon, I usually can’t block out the noise so easily, and I start to feel low.  It happens almost everyday.  Sometimes I make it thru, and some times I do not.

My brain becomes so busy with too many thoughts, that all I can do is try to sooth the anxiety, and relax all my thinking.  So I do nothing.  I loose the ability to partition my mind, and concentrate on just one thing.

All the little distractions of the day add up… they slowing eat away my energies, and my confidence, until I am useless. 

Some days I get better again in the evening.  It becomes too late to do most things I have thought about, so the list hanging over me gets pared back.  And things can clear up in my mind.  But most days, I have to just cruse thru the evening, and wait to go to bed.

I can not control the flow of thoughts into my mind.

There are Times When I Do Not Want to Have to Control What is Going on in My Mind…

There are times… often… when I am tired of controlling what is going on in my mind.  I get tired of having to work at keeping myself going.  I want to be able to let go of it… and not have to work at directing myself.  I have always known it was a struggle to meet the expectations of others. 

The trip I went on last week, was the beginning of my finding a new way to do that.

Rediscovering reading is helping a LOT.  My efforts at reading with a Kindle have taken me back to when I used to read a lot.  And I can – I have had many times of reading more than 5 hours straight.  And the longest was about 9 hours.  It gives me an escape… when I can do it.

When you live with mental illness, you have to work at everything.  Letting your mind wonder generally means letting anxiety, or depression have space to jump to the fore.  We have to be constantly on guard.  And we all need a break.

Even sleep does not always (usually?) help.  Nightmares are all those mental issues running amok.

So true rest, and relaxation can be hard to come by.  No-one can truly understand this without having been there.

2014 – An Even Numbered Year

Even numbered years where the digits add up to 7 (or 5), are lucky!

I have never been one to celebrate New Years very much – it seems so arbitrary.  But it is a new beginning of sorts, so I will take it as a good thing.

Depression has been overwhelming me some the last few days, but at least it does not last weeks like it used to.  So another thing I will take as a good sign.  That big lighted “Portland” sign is a good sign too.

I am trying to be optimistic as I look forward.  There are good things coming up in the next few months.  I have some concerns about my ability to go some places.  It helps to be wearing the One Ring.  So I am still sort-of optimistic.

Today I am trying to just recover from yesterday’s depression.  I need to eat, and slowly think things thru.  I do not have to go out for a few days… though I might.  I have been trying to get myself to the Hobby store for a while now, and it would be nice to go out to dinner…

My biggest goal for the next couple of months is to finish my Space, and get more comfortable here.  And then to gradually start back to going some of my places – like the Hobby store.  Support Local Businesses!!!!

So Happy New Year to all, and I will keep writing for the masses! Smile

Those Struggling Days

Am here I am.  Yesterday was quite a struggle, and today will be more of the same.  My mind is in somewhat of a turmoil as I try to organize all the different thoughts I have about session.  My moods are going all over the charts today.

And on top of that, I am feeling particularly unproductive – so there are many things I should be doing.  I am trying to tinker away at some of those… it is not all bad.  But my mood changes too quickly to get much done.

I still can not decide what to do… I can’t even think much about the alternatives.  I think my brain is closed for repair.

Implementation

I have been working on so many things for so many years, that it has been hard to keep it all straight!  But since I am taking a break from trying to figure things out, I decided to concentrate more on implementing what I have learned.

Harder than it sounds…

My retrenched position involves not even having to think about having to go out… at least outside of my safe places right here in town.  It does make things easier for me to not have to worry about that.  And that is pretty much what was actually happening anyway.

I am trying to take away some of the weekly anxieties, without actually cutting back much.  I am just drawing a clearer line.  and it does feel a little less stressful already.  Of course… it is far too soon to know anything for sure.

But my goal is to gradually free up some of my energies, and do more small things around home.  Then I hope to start doing even, more as I can.  It seems like a fairly safe plan, and there is not much to lose by trying it.

I have been so lost for so long, I can’t even know if I am going in the right direction!  And I really don’t want to make things any worse.  Would that even be possible?

So I am still here kicking and screaming… so to speak.  It still gets me down, and I have a lot of bad mornings, and evenings… 

I just have to keep going.