Tag Archives: solitude

A Pattern Develops…

What I am experiencing in my life now, is that same pressure that has pushed so many Depressives into solitude.  It does not matter that I would like to be social… I never can be.  So life is easier if I disappear.

I should have given up a decade ago.  There has never really been any chance of me having friends.  I can never fit in.  There was only a few years in my life when I did have friends… sadly, that was about when my brain started going really off.

When I try, something goes wrong… I end up just upsetting people.  And it pushes me a little farther away.  I get to where I do not want any interaction with people… that way they can’t let me down.  Except, it really is my fault.  I am the common thread.  I am the one who is different.  I am the one who doesn’t fit in.

I can not understand the way people react… or more commonly, don’t react.  My frustration at being isolated often overcomes me, and I go too far.  I have to stop trying.  I have to stay away from people as much as I can.

Maybe then I will find some peace and happiness.

That’s Just Crazy Talk!

This is all just one of my “moods”, right?

I left Facebook about a week ago, and have wondered at times about whether I should go back on.  It is a very difficult issues for me.  I left because there is a major hole in FB for people like me.  Most people on FB are normal people, with jobs, and friends, and activities in their lives.

There are some though, that are more like me.  To me, Facebook was almost my only contact with the outside world.  So to me it was an important, and serious thing.  I took my friendships there seriously.  These people were pretty much the only friends I had.

Facebook is not a game for me… so sometimes the triviality of it drives me away.  I need some serious contact in my life – I need real contact.  And most of the time, Facebook is not the place for that.  Not with most people anyway.

I have my Blogs… and they give me a chance to voice some of my feelings, and the struggles that are going on in my brain.  But Blogs are not friendships either – even less so than Facebook.  There are very few responses here.  It is a very  different kind of place.  This is very one-way.

So what should I do?  If I want any human contact, I need to go back on Facebook.  There are people there who know me.  But how well do they know me?  Not so well it would seem.  I have not heard from anyone since I have been off.  That is my fault of course… I do scare people away.

But if I do go back on, people will think this all was just one of my moods.   They knew there was nothing really to it, and I would be back.  Maybe they are right…  But for me it would just put me right back in the same position I was in before.  And it would only last until my next “mood”.

It is not about my mood.  Being on Facebook, or not, is a matter of me trying to find a way to be a small part of the world, and to be able to share with people who would miss me if I were gone.  If these were the ONLY friends you had, wouldn’t it matter to you more too???