Tag Archives: sleep

The Days Get Shorter

I do not mean because of the seasons. There are times when I get tired earlier and earlier. I try to sleep most of the time. Usually when that happens, I don’t really care. I have lost the ability to care.

Sometimes reading helps. Sometimes I just need to let to work thru. I can get up whenever… But I will feel better if I can just let myself deal with the depression… Even nightmarish sleep is better than being up, and having to deal with the world.

There is no knowing how long it will take to feel better. A day, or several days? Mine used to last weeks. Things are better, and I can usually work thru it in one overnight. I’m lucky… most of the time.

Recently they have snuck up on me more… I don’t like that much. I think things are going along well, and suddenly… BAM! I suppose that is not all that new. Maybe it just seems that way because other things are going along better. But if things are going better, then why is things still happening?

Because that is the nature of the beast.

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Blogs, After this…

The last few weeks I have been in a fairly steady decline.  I am not sure where it is coming from, but right now it threatens to affect things I have been looking forward to over the next few weeks. 

There has been a difficult combination of long periods of higher than normal anxiety, and short but intensive depressive episodes.  I have not been able to work my way out of it.  This is at least day 4, and that is longer than I normally have to deal with.

I have not been able to get going on anything… I am not even enjoying the Olympics.  I was awake most of last night, fighting these feelings.  This is my Pit.  At times like this, I have to wonder if it is all worth while.  Fortunately, there are few times like this.

Suffice it to say I am frozen, and unable to much at all.

Biggest Cause of Anxiety…

Things that should happen but might not.

It seems so simple…   And…   Sadly…   It is…

When people you know are suffering from very high anxiety, the best thing you can do is to just go on as if everything was normal.  The anxiety is probably about a fear of things not going the way they should.

So just keep swimming… just keep swimming…

With Nights Like This, Who Needs Enemas?

Another really bad night.  There is nothing new here… I have a lot of bad nights sleeping.  I have those long nightmares that build up.  I wake up a lot, but the same nightmare picks right back up when I go to sleep.  They go on for hours!

I know I could get up, and do something for a while – that usually breaks the dream.  But then I have to think of something worth getting up for!  The anxiety stops me pretty quickly.  I fall back asleep.

My nightmares?  They almost always involved teaching, even though I retired 13 years ago!!  I might be subbing where I taught – it’s over a 2 hour commute.  Or I am teaching something I have no real training for… or I am just plain doing a horrible job.  Whatever it is, everything goes wrong and it’s all my fault.

Whatever the nightmare is about, I finally get up literally shaking (yes, literally).  It takes hours to calm down.  And it drains so much from me it will be a drag on my energies all day.  Fun times…

There is nothing to do about it… I just have to wait it out.  I should feel better this evening.  Unfortunately, these usually happen 3 or 4 nights a week, so tonight may not be much better.  Though with Lori coming home tomorrow, the odds are in my favor for avoiding the nightmares tonight.

Wish me luck!!  And yes the title is a bad joke.

Sometimes Nothing Matters

This is one of those times when nothing matters.  I am sitting here, alone, in the quiet… the curtains are closed, and there is no sound from outside.  All I hear is the sound of my computer fans, and a cat purring.

I do not feel as if I can handle even that much.  I do not care.  I have no hope of ever finding a purpose in life… of ever being able to enjoy life.  What does it feel like to be happy?  And I do not care.

I know things will improve… they always do.  But I do not care right now.  I would sleep to make the day go by more quickly, but that would require effort, and I probably would not be able to sleep anyway.  I have been doing too much of that.

There is no-one to talk with, or to do anything with.  I can not go out without a great amount of planning… I have errands to run.  But it does not matter.  I even slept thru my session this morning – no getting a little bit more sane today.

But you know what?  I do not care.

Trying the New Sleep Schedules

This last week, I tried to move onto a different sleep schedule, with varying amounts of success.  Most days I was able to stay up about 10-12 hours, and was then able to sleep.  The problem still comes in when I try to get up.  Sometimes I was able to get up… sometimes not.

It is still the outside world that is giving me problems.  I have been feeling like I need to be up at certain times… at least I feel some internal pressure to.  That means I end up sleeping too long.  I did that just this last night.  I should have got up about 2am, but did not.

it will take a while to get it all to work out.  2 years ago it took me almost a month to finally get into the pattern.  So I will keep trying.  It is just very draining at times. 

I have given myself some small rewards for getting up some days – that has helped too.  So I still have plans, and am still working on it.  Wish me luck!

Sleeping is Not Working

A couple of years ago, I spent several months living a short day.  I think I have non-24 hour Sleep-Wake Syndrome.  Sounds impressive right?  It’s not.  I wrote about this in my other Blog (Agoraphobe Blog) a couple years back – right about this same time.  You can search for it on that Blog if you wish.

What worked best for me was being up about 12-14 hours, and sleeping for about 7.  So my “day” was about 20 hours long.  It meant I was getting up at different times during the day… but it gave me an extra day or two each week.

It worked very well for me.  I was less depressed, had more energy, and got a lot more done.  It was great!

It sort of fell apart because it is so hard to coordinate with the real world.  I gradually shifted back to matching everyone else.  I have only half-heartedly tried it since.  The last year+ I have had too many other issues to work on it.

Now I am trying it again… for the last couple of months I have tried, but failed to sleep a similar schedule. 

The problem has been that I can not get up during the night when I should, and I just go back to sleep – the result is that I am sleeping almost 12 hours a day.  That does not work well.

When I wake up at 3am, I am not tired anymore… but I can not get myself to out of bed.  There is a mental block.  I get upset, and go back to sleep.

I am going to continue to work on it… but I am very discouraged.

It’s Been a While

I have not blogged in several days… I have been feeling very low, and writing has not been any kind of priority.  I have spent most of today in bed, and have not been able to clear my mind of negative thoughts.

I have had a lot of physical pain recently.  I can only manage about an hour and a half on my feet before my knee hurts too much.  Last night it hurt so much I had to go to bed early – it’s the only thing that helps.  But it’s very discouraging.  today I have stayed off my knee, but my back has been hurting.

We set up our Christmas tree, and decorated much of it last night… though I was not able to help much.  I should have done more today during the day… but I could not stay up.

Who knows about tomorrow… I can’t even think about it.  All I can think about are all the things that have gone wrong throughout my life.  I won’t go into that now…

Thinking About Where I Am

So here I am, half way thru the weekend.  I have slept about “normally” – at least for me.  I have been awakened by nightmares several times each night… average.  I have had too much anxiety… about average.  And I am wondering what it means to be “happy”.  I wonder about that a lot.

Most of the time I am just waiting for the day to end so I can go to bed.  Of course that will lead to nightmares… I don’t know which is worse.  Actually, I do.  The being up and awake is worse.  Because it is real.

There are things I do… mostly things that have to get done.  Other that those, most of my time is just trying to hold things together.  I am often on the verge of tears.  I can’t be happy, and do fun things.  I just need to get thru the day.

Motivation is a huge problem – I don’t have any personal motivation.  I can shop… clean (some)… and do the basic things to take care of myself.  But I have to be alone.  Not just by myself, but alone.  I can not have close friends.  The closest I get are my Facebook friends.  I can not socialize with others.

It’s okay… at least I am able to stick around. 

So being asleep is the best thing – even with the nightmares.  Being awake and alone is my next best state.  Going out to run errands is tolerable about half the time – sometimes Lori has to do the shopping because I can not go out.  Going out with friends, or having friends over are just out of the question.

“Alone” means more than being by myself.  I can not even do things for myself.  I can not hobby (which is not a verb, but used as one here), or work on my things.  These are the normal days.

There are good days too.  I have even gone out of photo shoots by myself!  I have worked on projects, and hobbies.  But those are the exceptional days.  Depression is not as common as it used to be.  Things are even worse when I am depressed.  It will get better… we do always end up getting better. 

Was the Trip a Failure?

I did not go to the grocery store.

I know I am not very good at going out by myself… but I thought I could go 2 places.  I had a great amount of anxiety on the way to IKEA.  There were many times when my brain wanted to turn around and come back home.  I did make it there, but that was just the beginning.

I had a break down moment (or 5)… the anxiety gets so great, my brain tries to shut down.  Basically my brain tries to make me sleep.  I become extremely drowsy, and my eyes get hard to keep open – not a good scenario when I am driving.  But I can shake it out fairly easily.

This usually happens at home… or when I am at some place.  At IKEA I had the same experience, but it’s easier to deal with when I am walking around.  I was able to get everything I wanted there, but at times I was not so sure.

Coming home I just could not stop at the store… I could not do it.  I failed to finish my errands.  So I am feeling very down about that.  I am still feeling pressure to go to bed.  I am fighting with my own brain.  That’s just not right!

It has been harder to go out the last few months.  I am still trying to figure things out.  But there are things I have to do.  There are things I have to go out for… I need to do better!

Nightmares

I frequently have terrible nightmares, that leave my shaken, and shaking for hours.  It happened last night.  Usually my nightmares are about my life… often for some reason I have had to go back to high school, and graduate again.  I of course struggle, and am sometimes trying to teach as well.

My most common nightmare is about teaching – especially about having to teach classes I know nothing about.  And/or being totally unprepared for the classes I know.  These dreams go back to when I was teaching – especially bad during the weeks before school opened in September.  I have had problems with all kinds of nightmares for over 30 years.

Last night’s was very unusual – it was about observing an alien invasion of Earth.  I was in a position to affect who would be allowed to live.  Enough said.  I can get over the unusual nightmares more easily than the ones about teaching.  In those I am always a failure, with many people pointing it out to me.

They usually occur right before it’s time to get up, so I remember them especially well.  And I wake up during the nightmare, and fall back asleep resuming right where I left off.  Sometimes I dream I have woken up, and real life gets mixed into the nightmare.  There are times when I am not sure if I am awake, or still dreaming.

It’s not fun.  I am a med that for a while helped, but I guess my brain got accustomed to it, and it no longer helps.  So I just have to deal with it.  Fun…

Not a Good Day

There are good days and bad… today is a bad day.  I had nightmares all night, but still stayed in bed late this morning.  I would rather have the nightmares than get up and have to deal with the world.

We went out to IKEA yesterday, and it wore me out.  I had lots of pain, and was not able to deal with it.  I was not doing very well last evening, and it carried over into the night, and this morning.

I know I will feel better soon… but it is not now.  There are things to do, but my toes, back, and knee don’t want to get up at all.  I can’t do much walking without having these pains, and I am still trying to figure out the best combination of meds to treat it.

It drags me down mentally, and leaves me tired, and feeling like staying in bed.  Right now I wish I had stayed there.  There is not much more to say today…