Tag Archives: sibling

A Shadow from the West has Fallen

A shadow has fallen over my thoughts, and my life.  This has been a bad year for me – though it started out with such promise.  I will not review it now… but since April things have slid steadily downhill.  Now I am about done in.

I have lived under a sort of oppression… from childhood on.  And it returned to my life last week, bringing me down into my pit of despair, and depression.  Sometimes one event can dredge up an entire history of abuse at the hand of someone who knows what’s right for everyone, and isn’t afraid to say it.

I lived in that shadow… it never quite goes away.  Even after years of being left alone, it can still drag me down.

Some people have to be superior.  And to prove they are, they have to prove others wrong.  They have to control the lives of those around them.  And they will never let you forget their dominion over you.  Never…

They have no empathy.  They feel no pity, for anything that does not belong in their world view.  They are the sole knowers of what, and who is right, and who is wrong.  And they will share their views.  Especially with people who are easy victims.  It is how they feel whole.

They are the ones who come along to rub salt in the wounds of others.  And they especially pick on those whom they perceive to be struggling with other issues.  So as I have had increasing problems in my life, it was bound to come back to haunt me.

I write about my struggles here.  I share what I am going thru.    So I make myself a target.  But I am too easy a target… I am no challenge for them.  I collapse before their hateful words.

“Hateful” is the only way to describe it.  It is not intended to inform, it is only intended to hurt – to put me in my place.

I surrender.  You win.  I can not stand up against you.  The depression swept away our anniversary weekend.  I was up only 15 hours all weekend, and ate nothing but a few chips.  You win. 

Now leave this broken soul alone, and never darken my door again.  Though I suspect you will.

And the shadow has returned.

I Started Out As A Child

There were 3 major influences on me as I grew up.  My parents, my various disorders, and my “domineering parent”.  I have written a lot about the second… not enough about the first.  And only hints about the third… until recently.

I am not sure how comfortable I am with this topic.  There is a person who exuded tremendous energy over my life.  Someone I was never as good as.  Someone who succeeded everywhere, because of intelligence, and a creative mind.  Someone who always told me how I was failing.  Someone who never let me forget that I had to try harder, and do different things, in order to be acceptable…

This person never experienced depression, or overwhelming anxiety, or true phobias.  As with most people.  They can not truly understand what life is like for those of us who do suffer from these, and many more, mental problems.  They tend to see us as people who are just not trying hard enough…

There are many people who think they have been depressed, or had a migraine, or such, that really have not.  A bad headache does not a migraine make!

They have no empathy for people with anything they have not personally experienced.  If they have not experienced it, then it does not exist.  People who have those problems just need to try harder.  They are like poor people to republicans.

I recently received this Comment about one of my Blogs::::

You never talk about your anger issues. So many of your social problems, including the loss of your therapist and friends and family, are the result of lashing out at people. You are an intelligent and talented person, but you have always had trouble controlling your temper. That goes back to childhood too. (And btw: As to being depressed when you were in middle school—who wasn’t.)      grammar not corrected.

Anyone who actually knows me, knows that this comment shows a vast lack of knowledge about me, and my life over the last 10 years.  It does not even make sense!

Lori tells me she was not depressed in middle school.  Lori makes a huge effort to understand my mental differences.  It is not always easy, but she always tries.  It can be very stressful for her to do it some times, but she always tries.  And that makes all the difference in the world.

BUT… my domineering parent will never let go of her narrow minded view of the world.  This person will always think –   “I have all the answers for anyone willing to listen.”

A few years back I stopped listening.  My life has been on an upward trajectory ever since then!!  I am finally out from under the oppression of someone who knows what’s best for me and everyone!

I know I have a long way to go.  And I write about my struggles here in my Blogs.  But struggles are okay, because that is what life is really about.  So even when I am at my lowest, I know I am better off than I ways… back then.

—- As a note, I will not post comments from this person.  They are intended to hurt me only, so they will end there.