Tag Archives: session

Start Again!

Now I feel like I have to start over… from the beginning.  My confidence in the system has failed, and with it I have lost most of my faith in what I have learned.  I am not seeing therapy as a positive experience.

I can not trust anyone enough for therapy now.

It is entirely possible that I should have started to transition to a new therapist, but it should have been done in session.  It would have taken a lot of time to do, but would have been possible.  The email was not the way to go.  Also she made it sound like a done deal… I was shocked.

I know session helped me, but it still feels like it did not matter.  And I am not up to starting over, from the very beginning.  Actually, it is worse now, because I doubt the effectiveness of sessions.  The meds work though.

There is no way I am going out the front door to any kind of session, or to see any kind of therapist.  I’m done.

So basically… Start again?  Not going to happen.

Therapy for having No Therapy?

This story goes back a ways, so follow along.

I started seeing my psychologist in late 2004, and for several years went every week.  I got better.  I cut down how often I went, but kept going.

Over the last year and a half, there were 3 times I went for appointments that were not to be.  One was a misunderstanding, and the other 2 were mistakes she made.

I’m agoraphobic, so going for a 40 minutes trip each way is difficult.  After each of those episodes, I did not go back for a while – almost 3 months in one case.  But each time, I eventually got back into my sessions.

At the beginning of May, I asked about an appointment for the next week.  She said she might have to testify in court (she is a forensic psychologist) so she would get back to me in a couple of days.  A week later she emailed that she could do it.

By then it was too late for me to get ready to go on such short notice, and I figured it would then be at least another week.  I was angry.  So I said “Too late.  I will not be coming back.”  I also canceled my disclosure agreements.  So I assume I was no longer a real patient of hers.

Last Sunday I emailed saying I would like to see her again after the 4th.  She emailed back that she thought it was time for me to move to a new psychologist, and she could help me transition.  Her reasoning was the the gaps in session indicated we were at a plateau, and I needed a different approach.

I was quite taken aback.  In April, I had brought up that I thought I was sort of at a plateau in improving my anxieties, and I wanted to start working more on implementation – I even wrote a Blog about this.  And it was going very well.  We figured out a plan to reduce my weekly anxiety, and help me get more done at the same time.

It worked better than I had hoped!  I’m still doing this new stuff.

But I not longer have a psychologist.  I feel abandoned, and turned away.  I even feel anger.  But I have completely collapsed mentally.  I get nothing done… and just try to accept where I am now.

As Good As It Gets…

Yup… this is as good as it gets.  Now I transition into making do with what I have, and not putting energy into trying to get better.  My former psychologist has offered to help me find someone knew to see, but that can not happen.

Starting to see someone new is too high a hurdle for me to leap, and I can not even imagine it.  So the break is permanent, and I am on my own from here on out.  I do not know where I am going, but it will not be far from where I am.

This may come as disappointing news to my friends, because I will not get better, and I will not be able to be a better friend.  I will try though…

This last week have been the rollercoaster ride from Hell, and I just want that to be over so I can figure out what to do now.

Thank you all for reading my Blogs.  I hope to continue to write them.

The Internal Battle…

Okay… there are many internal battles, but right now, they all seem to be melting together.  Everything is related.  And it means there really has to be one encompassing solution – probably not all at the same time.  But what I have been trying has not worked.

Now I am trying to find ways to start over… or more accurately, to find some way to keep going, but with some changes.  There is no point expending energy on things that can not help.  I need to be able to live alone, and keep to myself, while finding some kind of – if not happiness, at least non-unhappiness.

One thing that will help will be to avoid social media – it just engenders a false sense of optimism.  There are no answers for me there.  I have deeply set issues with no real-world solution.  I will have to create my own solutions.

And that will take forcing myself to avoid making the same mistakes.  Number 1 is the myth that I can find a pleasing place in the social media world.  I require a closer contact than that.  I need to know it matters.

Also I am rethinking these Blogs.  I love to write, but this writing does not generally make me feel any better.  I do not know who is reading – though I am sure few of my on-line friends do.  A few do, and I appreciate that.  But I seem to lose more friends than I gain.

And I am not going to go to session for a while.  I am not convinced it has been doing me any good.  I am better, but I do not know why.  And I think I need to be more self-reliant.  I need to just find my way on my own.

When is Understanding Enough?

One of the most difficult tasks someone with severe depression, and debilitating anxiety has, is to try to explain what is does, to other people.  Everyone who has suffered from depression, knows that others do not know what it is.  This is one experience we all share.

Most people have never really been depressed.  Certainly not the debilitating depression that some of us feel.  I can not know what is was like to grow up as a Black man in the South, in the `50s.  I can learn about it, and sort of come to understand it… maybe.  But only someone who has been there would know what it is like… and only that person could determine how well I understood it.

The worst problems are with people who think they understand, but do not.  They think they understand what it feels like, and what it does to you.  But listening to them proves they do not.

So they try their plans, and in their ignorance, they make things worse.  They make the worst possible suggestions, and have totally unrealistic expectations.  They think they know how things should work… so they act on that basis.  And it actually conflicts with what is really happening – making the situation destructive.

Isolation results.  You can’t even try to explain things to these people because they will inadvertently apply their wrong thinking, and push things in the wrong direction.  So we learn to not even try to explain.  Things work better with less communication, because communication can not exist without understanding.

It is not their fault.  How can they understand something so far outside their existence.  But if they are smart, and learned, it can be very difficult for them to accept it is something they do not get.  And if they are so very sure they understand, there is not point trying to explain anything to them.

Some people will not learn.

When Worlds Collide

The last few days have seen some great progress… but also some huge set-backs that will totally derail any prospect of improvement in the short term.

I know everything is my fault, and I do not need to hear it anymore.  But it sure would be nice if people understood what I was talking about.

Sessions went GREAT!  Both of them.  Psychologist Wednesday, psychiatrist yesterday (Thursday).  We totally have a plan!!  But it is unworkable because of issues beyond my control.

Fortunately, I have another session Monday.

No Rest for the Wicked

I have fallen to a point where I can barely see the light.  There is no day in my world… only the darkest night.  I try to scratch my way up, but I have nothing to stand on, and no-one who truly understands. 

I do not enjoy any part of my life.  There is no joy in Whoville.

I used to have more energy… I used to be able to push it all away enough to even teach.  Now I can barely get up in the morning – or afternoon or whenever I finally get up.  Life has worn me out.

And there is little else I can do.  Everything I try is 2 steps forward, and 5 steps back… I am worse off today than I was just a few months ago.  My anxiety is under better control, my depression is taking over again.  And I will not go thru that process again.

I am not sad… I long to be sad.  I feel only despair and hopelessness. 

What Difference Does it Make?

I have been in the pits of depression for over a week… I can not find a way out.  Nothing ever really gets any better.  I am expected to be cheery, and helpful regardless of the turmoil in my brain.  There is no outlet.

I am tired of it.  Things are better than a few years ago, but there has been no real improvement over the last 3 years or so.  Why keep trying?  I am totally alone most of the time.  The only person around me does not understand, and will not listen when I try to explain where I am, and what I need.  But how could I expect anyone to?  It is so far out of the mainstream that no-one could comprehend what it’s like without having been there.

What is happening every day, every minute, in my brain requires so much energy to fight… I am just treading water.  And it will not go away.

I hold everything inside because there is no where for it to go.  My psychologist helps, but even if I saw her everyday, it would barely keep me going. 

I can not keep up the fight anymore.  I am too tired.

Sometimes Nothing Matters

This is one of those times when nothing matters.  I am sitting here, alone, in the quiet… the curtains are closed, and there is no sound from outside.  All I hear is the sound of my computer fans, and a cat purring.

I do not feel as if I can handle even that much.  I do not care.  I have no hope of ever finding a purpose in life… of ever being able to enjoy life.  What does it feel like to be happy?  And I do not care.

I know things will improve… they always do.  But I do not care right now.  I would sleep to make the day go by more quickly, but that would require effort, and I probably would not be able to sleep anyway.  I have been doing too much of that.

There is no-one to talk with, or to do anything with.  I can not go out without a great amount of planning… I have errands to run.  But it does not matter.  I even slept thru my session this morning – no getting a little bit more sane today.

But you know what?  I do not care.

Past Christmas…

We are all past Christmas… for some of us it’s a relief.  I had fun, and it was a nice Christmas day… but I am still glad it’s gone by.  There is too much stress around the day.

A couple of days ago I went back to session… for the first time in about 2 months.  We are working on changing the dynamics of session to make it work better for me.  Things change with time, and I need different kinds of support.  I am sure I will be writing more about that when I feel better.

For now… I am in a pretty low mood, and I am not up to writing much.  Maybe in the next few days.  I am in a depressive mood, and need time to recover.

The New Year will be upon us soon, and that will be fun.  There is a lot less stress about it.  We will have some good food, and stay home – that’s my favorite thing!

I hope it will lead to me also feeling better about writing blogs…  Until then, I will keep it short.

After a Trip

After Lori and I go on a trip, there is the inevitable crash.  We got home Monday… yesterday I was feeling tired and stressed.  Today I am depressed and on the verge of crashing out completely.  I should be better tomorrow.

But this part of traveling is my least favorite.  Before we go, I have to go thru a lot of anxiety about being away from home.  It is difficult to get thru, and Lori has to deal with it.  But it’s not really as bad as the after trip crap I have to deal with.

I don’t get to savor the fun… I don’t get to feel all rested and happy about the great trip – not until several days later anyway.  When Lori comes home from work-travel, we will be able to talk about the fun plays and all, and it will be good again.  But there are always those few days right after the trip where I have to feel like my world is falling apart… for no reason.

This will pass.  The really bad times always do… I know that.  Thru session, I have learned that I always get better.  That’s a thing about humans – if we give ourselves half a chance, we always get better.  And I know I will to.

But for today… I am very low, and depressed, and wanting to just hide away and pretend the rest of the world is not there (except my Facebook friends).  Even being on line is difficult though.  I just want to hide.