Tag Archives: session

The Agoraphobic Lifestyle

Embrace your Agoraphobia, and make it work for you.  I do not mean to huddle in your home forever, but by working with your agoraphobia, you can prioritize, and actually do more, and get out more.

This is what I have done in the past, and am working on doing more now.  Most of my life and interests are here in this house… but I want to be able to go out when I need to, and for fun things for me.  I want to be able to go on trips, and visit places I like.  Next month I am even planning an over-night trip by myself!

So the goal becomes to make those trips easier by not going out when I really don’t have to.  The anxiety of going out – planning going out – is greatly reduced.  In the long run, I end up being able to go out more often, with less anxiety.  But don’t push it!!!  That is the key.  Don’t let things start to pressure you to go too fast, or too far.

I will never be able to go out like most people, but that does not mean I have to live in fear… under the anxiety that comes.  This gives me more control, and that leads to a better life.  There are so many fun things I can do here at home!  And they get easier when I have less anxiety.

Of course… having things delivered helps.  There are things that have to be worked out.  But it can be done, and things get better for everyone.  Personally, I do not see the downside.  I do hope to keep making progress, and for things to get even easier.

“Don’t Be Mad at Me”

That’s what Lori says… I was not mad, I was depressed.

But I am doing a lot better this morning than over the weekend.  I was trying to sleep all but about 7 hours the whole time, and did not eat.  Now I am starting to feel like I have a grip on my thoughts, and I am starting to see where to go.

Part of the problem I have been having since session last week, is that I was too focused on one outcome, and when things didn’t feel quite right, I did not know what to think.  I am not sure why it did not feel right.

Now I am thinking I am not ready to dive back into therapy.  I am not up to going thru all of that again – not after more than 8 years with the same therapist.  I need a more measured approach.  This is going to take some time to work into.

And I am alright with that!

So I am going to take this week to let things settle in my mind, and go back for a second session next week.  Then I can see how I am feeling about it all.

Slowly… take things slowly.  I am so tired of where I have been these last 6 months, that I was trying to rush myself too much.

Stick with me, and keep reading, because I will be making more progress.  Actually… I think I have made a lot of progress just by going to a new psychologist!  That is what I need to focus on.  Good things are happening.

New Efforts, in New Directions

I am struggling to decide what to do now…

I am not sure I feel comfortable with the new psychologist I saw.  I seemed wrong.  Though that could be normal.

Should I try seeing someone else?  Or would more choices just make things harder?  Things just do not feel right.

The last few days I have gradually fallen into depression trying to think about all this – or is it not trying to think about it all?  Whatever it is, it is clear I have a great internal conflict going on in my mind.  I get many glimpses of this conflict, and am slowly putting together some kind of thought… about it all.  Maybe.

That is about as much I can cobble together at this point.

I was only able to be up about 5 hours yesterday.  And it is already noon now – I have only been up a little while.  my mind shuts down, and I can not think about anything.  Some of you know that feeling all too well.

Little pieces of thought creep in, and eventually it makes for something… and sometimes it even helps me figure out something.  Usually I just try to go back to sleep.  It is a slow process, and I am not sure if it is actually getting anywhere, or if I am reaching for straws!

Maybe my brain is just trying to make itself feel better, and ignore the truth.  There could be a whole world lying in front of me, and I am unable to see it.  That seems to be the case… but I can not know.

So I keep going.  I do what I have to to keep going.

Where the Sky Meets the Earth

That’s where I am now.  I think I was expecting to feel more sure about things after going to session.  And I thought that when the session went well, I would know what to do next.  I do not.  I am even more confused.

So I am at a point where I have to just let things settle in my brain.  The the storm will subside.

But for now, there is a constant flurry of inter-related thoughts that never stick in my mind long enough to view, let alone resolve.  All I can do is let it pass, and try to calm myself.

It will work out.  And I have every reason to believe I am going in the right direction – I just wish to were easier.  I am slipping in and out of depression almost constantly – that makes it hard to do much of anything.  There are moments when I can think clearly, and periods when I can not.

I keep trying to think of things that might help me get thru this more quickly.  Nope… I am not seeing it.  I know from experience that I just have to wait it out.

Once things settle down in my mind, it will all start to crystalize in front of me.  I will see which way to go – though I am pretty sure I know what that will be.

For now… I will get thru the depression as it comes.

I Did Not See This Coming

I am depressed.

I knew I would have a lot to think about after my first session with a new psychologist.  But I did not anticipate being so overwhelmed by it.  I have not called to make another appointment… I can not get myself to make any decisions.  I am stuck.

Session went pretty well… and I feel good about it.  But I can not move on.  My mind will not integrate what is happening.  I am not even sure what is happening in my brain.  But whatever it is, I have not been able to think things thru to any kind of conclusion.  I know what I should do… but I can not be sure enough to do anything!

So I have struggled thru the last few days, just trying to stay awake, and as active as I can be.  It is not going well.

My Blogs have been a bit boring as well.  That comes from not knowing what to write… because I do not know what to think.

Depression has taken over my life the last few days, and I have not been able to shake it.  It is difficult to hold a thought.  I seem to even be rambling thru this Blog as well! 

I am frustrated.  There are so many thoughts running thru my mind, that I can not focus on any of them, and none lead to towards any conclusions.

I guess I should stop writing now… more later.

I Am About to Write About My Road to Recovery…

Wednesday I will be meeting a new psychologist.  It raises my anxiety.  But this is something I have been preparing for for quite a while, so I am as ready as I can be.  Life has not been kind, but we all have to make our own way thru it.

Monday… I am feeling a great deal of anxiety about this whole thing!  I know I have to follow thru, but my mind is quickly working on excuses for not going.  It would make my life so much easier (in the short term) to just stay home, and keep going as I am.

That would not be a very good approach…  Though it is very appealing right now.  This is one of those times when I have to really push myself to do what I know I need to do.  Just typing that made me feel depressed.  Why should I have to push so much to do things that are so clearly necessary?

There is no “why”.  There is no explanation that will make me feel any better about it.  It is what it is.

Today I will have to just deal with it.  Then tomorrow is tomorrow.  I will worry about that in the morning.  There is plenty for today already.

I will spend a lot of today trying to relax.  There are small things I can do to occupy my mind.  I call it “tinkering”, and I will need to do a lot of it!  I am going to try to focus on my things, so it will feel more rewarding to me.  There are other responsibilities too… but I will mix it all together, and tinker.

I do not even know if this psychologist will work out for me, and I have fears of having to start looking again.  I try to put those thoughts out of my mind, but the are real concerns.  I may not even know the answer to for several weeks… it could take a few sessions to figure this all out.  I know that…

So this is where I am.  And all I can actually do is push forward… keep going… and hope for the best.

Anger is a Symptom

Anger may, and does cause problems, but anger is a symptom of something deeper going on.  Find that thing, and anger can be resolved.

I found that thing.

I do have trouble with anger from time to time, but who doesn’t?  Once I understood where it was coming from, I was able to put solutions in place.  And I was able to understand.  My anger stopped being such a problem.

But there was a time when it was.  A horrible time in my life.

So I work on these issues every day.  I work myself slowly closer to where I want to be.  And with the help of my friends, and Lori, I will get there.  I can almost see it now.

From an Ignorant Comment

This was written by someone with NO understanding of the facts of the situation.  This person was my “Domineering Parent” growing up.  It has been discussed many times in therapy.

“So many of your social problems, including the loss of your therapist and friends and family, are the result of lashing out at people.”

I may have lost friends because of my past anger issues, but not family.  My mother and I talked about this many times.  She could see what I was talking about for herself.  And she tried to help me understand it.

My loss of my therapist had nothing to do with my losing my temper.  YES, I was angry – as I have said – but I did not lash out at anyone.

This person is one of the main reasons I am where I am – not thru malice, but thru action.

Me and Anger

It has been pointed out to me that I used to have an anger issue, and I have not written much about it.  That is true.  When I started seeing a psychologist, it was the first thing we worked on.  I also had a year of group therapy on balancing my emotions.  The big difference came from the meds I started taking, and my sessions with my psychologist (hundreds of them).

Anger is no longer a part of my problem.  Once I knew where the anger was coming from, and how to channel it, the anger mostly went away.  I learned how to properly integrate my anger into my whole self.

My anger came from extreme anxiety – I take 3 meds now for anxiety with pretty good results.  I do not lose my temper like that anymore… not for about 9 years now.  For those who have it, you know what very high anxiety can do to your brain, especially when you do not know what it is.

The person who suggested this is many years behind in what has been happening in my life.  That person has no way of seeing how I have changed and improved, and learned to look inward. 

For the last 8+ years I have been working on the causes of the anger in my life.  Once I understood it, I was able to start working on the real problems.  That is what this Blog is about.

That person has ABSOLUTELY no place in my life, and should mind her own business.  She is one of THE major causes of that anger while I was growing up.  She is “toxic” to me – as a psychologist, and a psychiatrist have both pointed out.

Too Tired to Go On.

I have struggled with anxiety, and depression all my life.  I had my first full-blown panic attack in the 2nd grade.  I can still see it all happening very clearly in my mind.  I started having bad depressive periods in middle-school.  Of course I did not know what they were at the time.

I am almost 60 years old… I do not have the energy I once did.  But life demands that I do as well (or as badly?) as I always did when I was younger.  There are things I can not do anymore.

I can not play volleyball, or racquetball… I can not hike high mountain trails.  And I can not push myself mentally as far as I once could.  So what do I do?

One of the first things I learned in session was to pick my battles.  I can not solve everything… some things I will never be able to resolve.  But the most important point of this is that I have to pick which things I can improve, and which things I can’t improve.  But I also have to look to which things are more important – which will give back the most rewards.

A few months back in session, we worked out a plan for cutting back on things that were disproportionally stressful – things that cause way more anxiety than they were worth.  And that has been my approach the last several months.

It works great!!!  Now I am getting far more done on my own at home.  And with far less total anxiety.  This does not deal with my phobias, or depression, but it is mostly the anxiety the stops me.  So things have taken a decidedly positive turn in my mental life.

But there are other battles, and I am losing them.  Even my first success is falling into question.  I can not keep following that path.  I have to get “better” and get back to doing more – doing things I used to do.  So rather than moving forward, I now have to move back to putting more energy into going out for errands and such.

That means less energy for all other things… including the having fun part.  Once more into the breach… with no hope of success.

I have responsibilities that I can not ignore.  Not that I have actually ignored them.  I have been trying to obtain balance.  But I have to balance that with the lives of others as well.

So I need a totally new plan.  What I really need to do is be like I was 20 years ago… well… only the good parts of it.  I need to be able to DO more.  I will have to deal with the turmoil in my brain some other way.

These Long Days

I have had a lot of ups and downs the last week.  I am not sure why I have not written, except I have been really struggling with several issues.  The most direct is my growing slowly more depressed about problems I am dealing with at home.

There has been progress on some projects, but I am constantly dragged down by caring for sick animals – making sure they eat the right foods, and tube-feeding one cat.  But it does not stop there.  That is just how my day starts.

This whole situation with my former psychologist is eating at me more too.  I know I would find things easier if I still had session to talk about all the issues that swim thru my thoughts.  I do not have as much clarity of thought now.  I will figure out how to go forward, but for now I am still too hurt.

The main problem I am having is that I feel totally overwhelmed by everything happening, and I have nowhere to turn.  All I can do is push a little harder every day, to try to do the same things I did yesterday.  And I know tomorrow I will have to push even harder to do those same things yet again.

But every now and then, I break.  I fall apart for a while, then pull myself back together, and start going again.  It has left me feeling alone, tired, and empty. 

I have been able to fight off depression most of the time… and I am keeping my anxiety under control.  But the cost is staggering.  All I can do is keep pushing myself forward until I finally break down.

When Thinking is Too Much

I think too much.  Just like the Paul Simon song – “Maybe I Think Too Much”.  There are times when I can not control the direction my thoughts will take.

When I have things to get done, I have to build a careful plan.  I need to consider every aspect of what I need to do, and set priorities for each thing.  This helps me get thru tasks without having to rethink them too much.

So I have a sort of outline for the day – when to think about what.  I can put off thinking about something, if I schedule when to think about it, and I already know the basics.  It works pretty well for me usually.  (“when” means in what order, not what time).

If I do not plan, and control where my thoughts go, and when, then my brain runs rampant, and I can not control where it goes.  All other considerations get pushed aside.  I get stuck in a loop of over thinking.

So this plan works… some of the time.

The problem comes when something upsets the “plan”.  It can be any of a number of things (yes… zero is a number, but I mean a bigger number).  Once that happens, everything falls apart, and the planning has to start from scratch.  And that usually means planning on the fly, which is almost always doomed to failure.

Last second planning takes on a life of it’s own.  My mind becomes swamped with some new direction of thought.  And I can not control where it will go.  But for sure, the old plan is dead.

This is how things I really want to do, don’t get done.  Those things invariable fall to the end of whatever “list” I might have, and those things usually do not get done at all.  There will not be enough energy to fill in for that planning by late in the day.

Sometimes the upheaval is so strong that I end up getting nothing done, because the planning stage burns me out, and I shut down.  This happens a lot!!

This is where most of my least productive days come from.  One small event, and the whole thing – water, tub, and baby – all get thrown out, and I fail.

Sadly… this is one of the things I had been working on in session before it’s early demise.  I will slowly figure it out though – it actually is a lot better than it used to be.  Removing the grocery shopping has taken away a lot of my Stoppers.  That alone accounted for at least 2 lost days per week.

But I can not eliminate all the Stoppers, so I need to find a way to deal with them.  I will keep looking.

Still Here!

I know I have not written for too long… but it has been a mentally busy time.  I have had a lot of ups and downs.

I tried very hard to be involved in a 4th of July party, but ultimately, I did not have the energy to go.  It was a big down point for me.

And I have been dragged down farther because of my loss of my therapist.  It all seems so surreal.  After 8-1/2 years to be just put off so easily – by email.  It all seems like I will wake up from it at any moment.

But I won’t…

I think I am doing okay, but I know there are many things I need help with – I keep thinking of things I need to talk about in session.  And I have barely scratched the surface.

So I will try to move forward, and write more here.  I just feel abandoned, and more alone.  That will not pass.

I Know How to Find a Needle in a Haystack…

Patience

I have been working on getting to my image of what I want, for over 40 years now.  I am closer than I have ever been.  Until 2004, I did not make much of an effort towards this goal… I could not because I did not know what was holding me back..

There have been a few times when I had some small bits of progress.  But it has only been the last few years that I have started to feel like I really can move towards the life I want.  It gets a little more complicated because the things I want, sound defeatist to some people.

I want something so very simple.

I have taken a huge detour now, and I do not know where it will lead.  I can not see the path ahead of me, and my hopes have dimmed.  Right now I feel a lot of despair, and grief.  And I am not sure how to get started again.

There is a plan I have been working on that I will continue to follow – then what?  The plan does not go very far into the future… there was so much more to develop.  And that option is gone now.

I will have to find a new way to work out how to move forward, and how to get better.  I am not optimistic.

Living Times as They Come

I just have to live my life as it comes.. as does everyone.  I am not doing very well a that right now.  I have lost something very important.  Every day I find myself feeling a little more isolated.  There is no safety net for me any longer.

I do not mean to harp on it, but after 8 years of therapy, you kind of develop a need for someone.  you get used to talking things over before acting on them.  When that is suddenly gone, it creates a huge hole that starts to swallow up everything.

There are too many things going wrong in my life right now.  A major part of my process for finding ways to improve my life, is gone.

Today I am feeling very low, and more lost –  I can not see which way to turn.  And I know it will get worse… at least for a while.