Tag Archives: school

It Started in 1962

I have always been this crazy. I have just grown tired of fighting it. So… how would I start getting better? I could find new ways of fighting it. Or, find ways to live with it.

I am fine with working to live with it. But only one other person is willing to. I actually hope I am wrong about that, but it is what I believe, and what I feel.

There have been so many years. I was in the 2nd grade when I had my first panic attack. I remember it with disturbing clarity. Mom remembered it too. It had a permanent effect on me, and what I would be able to do, to this day.

From that day to this, I remember all the feelings. As I write this, and am trying to make some decisions, and visions of that day run thru my mind. This happens often… and there are other memories. Endlessly many.

It pushes me to stop. It makes every effort to do anything a fight with my mind.

Memories can truly haunt.

And that is where I am today.

OMG!

I just realized that was what my psychologist was so good at. She was able to get my mind to put aside those memories, and see more clearly. It helped.

“THE” Dream – with variations

Sunday night I had my most common nightmare.  I will try to describe it…

It was morning, and I had just arrived at the High School I taught at.  I am starting to have a panic attack – that was very common on my way to work.  There are very few students or teachers around.  I have been commuting from my current home for the entire school year… it’s early May.

I know I have to decide if I want to continue teaching there… my panic is getting worse.  There is a lot of mail in my box, as I haven’t checked it for several days.  I go to my classroom, and find it as it was when I was first teaching – before the remodel.  But there is some other teacher in there, and all my stuff is gone.  I am not even sure what I will be teaching.

I have a hard time working my way back up the hall to the office – my panic attack is raging, and I know I can not do this anymore.  I have to quit, and go home.

But there is no-one in the office.  There is no-one to tell… I can not do this anymore.  I HAVE to go home.  I look thru every office to find someone to call a sub.  There is no-one there who works there.  But there is not much more time to get a replacement.

So I look down the hall towards the science and math wings, and there are very few students in the halls.  And they move slowly… and are indistinct.  As I walk past the councilors offices, I see that it is very crowded with students, so I can not talk with my friends there…

I go to the room of a teacher who often helps me calm myself down.  He is not there.  He is on a speaker phone over internet.  There were 2 small stereo speakers.  He could hear me, but there were several students around… and he is trying to teach.  I wandered away.

Ultimately, I decide I just have to go home.  I have my car key, but I can not find my car.  I always can not find my car in these dreams.  I remember all the places I parked, and I could not find it.  I end up walking all the way around the school looking for my car.  I never find it.

I went back into to school, and still there was no-one who worked there, and very few students.  By this time I am starting to fall apart.

This is where I woke up… and about where I usually wake up.  And I did.