Tag Archives: real world

Watching World at War…

Oradour-sur-Glane… if I visit Europe, I must go there. I promised my father I would try. He was in the European War in WW2. He saw things I still see in my mind. He taught me what he saw.

I know I have written about this before. But I am feeling especially far from my father tonight. It is a family long lost to me. I still struggle to understand the stories my father told me. Especially now. Fascists come to power thru very strange ways. Hitler was losing political power in early 1930’s, when he was called to “lead” a new government… because he was weak, and could be controlled. They would use him. It did not work out that way.

Everyone underestimated him. Everyone thought he would pass… the Nazi’s could not last, and everything would move on. Things would be fine soon. Then June 30, 1934.

I am watching “The World at War” – BBC. The definitive WW2 documentary. It helps. I watch it a few times a year. I read. I research. I have always had a drive to understand WW2, and I am finally starting to see a developing real-world example as to why I should. Throughout the world, the fascists are gaining. Those who believe they have all the answers, and no-one but them can help. Give them the power, and they will solve all your problems. Look around people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Respect

Command respect, don’t Demand respect.

I believe, when I was a teacher, I earned the respect of students. I tried to treat them like adult human beings – when possible. I tried to always hear their thoughts.

That respect is a very nice memory.

Respect faded away as my mental state changed. And I don’t blame anyone for it. I am confident, I would be at least incline to do the same thing… if not for the fact that I know what it is like to feel my mind slipping away. I am on this side now. Some of you know what I mean. Some of you have learned to understand it… even predict it better than I. But there are few of them.

Also… some of you know what I mean because you live it too. No matter how you are different, the result is almost always the same – you are going to end up in a very small circle. More on that later.

The problem I have on Facebook is that I do not have any friends outside FB. Most people have a foundation of friends who will share Facebook with then on that basis… friends. You can not start with FB. You have no support base to make sure you have some good threads going.

What’s that like? Actually I know. When I was first on FB, I had that basis of friends as well.

That was 5 plus years ago. It may not seem like a long time, but it has been a tough 5 years. There were a few times I actually got within days of meeting someone for beers… in each case those people will not even respond to a friend request. My brain does not always process information in the correct way.

The first step of talking about your own mental issues, is getting others to even see it is real. It is not just a behavior flaw. It is not an obsession. It is a mental process flaw. I use the word “flaw” reluctantly. Who is really to say to whom the flaw belongs? Cats can not taste sweet. Is that a flaw?? There are clearly advantages to it.

But alas, I digress…

How do I find Real-World friends without any social contact except FB? No wonder it does not work for me. I need to build respect, but I can not even stay around long enough to make any difference.

I hate my Life

I don’t understand why people don’t like me.  L*** is my only friend…

I try so hard to figure it out… every day I go over and over it.  I cry about it.

Every day…

I think about the friends I had back in the 1970’s with longing.  They are all long gone from my life.

Every day…

I try to figure out where to look… where to turn for some kind of companionship.  Where do people find friends?  I have no idea.  I thot I had friends when I was teaching, but when I left, I never heard from a single one of them.  Not one email… nothing. 

I wasted 15 years of my life in Seaside, OR.  I came out of it worse than when I started.  Teaching was the worst experience of my life.  I wish I had never left Seattle.

Every day…

I realize it is no use trying.  So I cry.  It’s all I can do.

I don’t know what is wrong with me… though I am sure plenty of people would like to tell me.

I can’t have friends.  Lori knows this.  All I can do is sit here alone, pretending there is some value to the things I try to do.  But accomplishment has no meaning, and nothing really matter anymore.

Every day…

It grinds me down… I don’t eat… I go to bed early and try to sleep till the next day… when I get to do it all again.  It never changes.  Each day I wait for dark so I can go to bed.  the earlier the better.

 Only my cats are my friends.  They like me… they like being around me.  They are all I have.

My opinions used to matter…  people listened, and talked to me.  I ruined all that.  I do not understand how, but I have always ended up alone.  I will die alone, and accomplish nothing.  And I will not be missed.

 So I WILL go softly into night… in my own Hell.

Note: you can all write to L*** now about this.  She at least matters.

 

Realworlders

That is the secret name depressives use for people who do not suffer from depression.  There is a secret handshake too, but I can not show you that here.

I have written a lot about what depression does, and what it is like… but I am going to turn the tables a bit here, and I have some semi-quasi-pseudo-harsh words for my fell depressives.

Okay people… we all know Realworlders do not understand depression.  And they can not really be expected to.  So it is up to us to convince them that what we have is real.  Most Realworlders do not hear directly about depression from anyone… and most of the rest hear from very few or only one person.

So… time to get up off you butts (when you are not too depressed) and tell people about it!  How can the Normals learn to accept our behaviors if we do not share with the people close to us how we feel!

Now I do not expect a bunch of you to start Blogs or anything, but chime in for cryin’ out loud!  Say “Me too!” sometimes!  If we do not educate the Realworlders, who will??  We have to stand up for each other, and let those other folks know that these are things we do share, and do know about.

And it may be a case of “I am depressive, hear me whimper!” but if that’s all ya got, then let it roar! 

When a Realworlder hears about the debilitating aspects of depression, they may not get it, but if they hear that message repeated enough, from enough different sources, they may get to accept it!

So stand up, and be counted.  Even if you have to do it anonymously… be heard!!!