Tag Archives: psychiatrist

From an Ignorant Comment

This was written by someone with NO understanding of the facts of the situation.  This person was my “Domineering Parent” growing up.  It has been discussed many times in therapy.

“So many of your social problems, including the loss of your therapist and friends and family, are the result of lashing out at people.”

I may have lost friends because of my past anger issues, but not family.  My mother and I talked about this many times.  She could see what I was talking about for herself.  And she tried to help me understand it.

My loss of my therapist had nothing to do with my losing my temper.  YES, I was angry – as I have said – but I did not lash out at anyone.

This person is one of the main reasons I am where I am – not thru malice, but thru action.

Me and Anger

It has been pointed out to me that I used to have an anger issue, and I have not written much about it.  That is true.  When I started seeing a psychologist, it was the first thing we worked on.  I also had a year of group therapy on balancing my emotions.  The big difference came from the meds I started taking, and my sessions with my psychologist (hundreds of them).

Anger is no longer a part of my problem.  Once I knew where the anger was coming from, and how to channel it, the anger mostly went away.  I learned how to properly integrate my anger into my whole self.

My anger came from extreme anxiety – I take 3 meds now for anxiety with pretty good results.  I do not lose my temper like that anymore… not for about 9 years now.  For those who have it, you know what very high anxiety can do to your brain, especially when you do not know what it is.

The person who suggested this is many years behind in what has been happening in my life.  That person has no way of seeing how I have changed and improved, and learned to look inward. 

For the last 8+ years I have been working on the causes of the anger in my life.  Once I understood it, I was able to start working on the real problems.  That is what this Blog is about.

That person has ABSOLUTELY no place in my life, and should mind her own business.  She is one of THE major causes of that anger while I was growing up.  She is “toxic” to me – as a psychologist, and a psychiatrist have both pointed out.

Living Times as They Come

I just have to live my life as it comes.. as does everyone.  I am not doing very well a that right now.  I have lost something very important.  Every day I find myself feeling a little more isolated.  There is no safety net for me any longer.

I do not mean to harp on it, but after 8 years of therapy, you kind of develop a need for someone.  you get used to talking things over before acting on them.  When that is suddenly gone, it creates a huge hole that starts to swallow up everything.

There are too many things going wrong in my life right now.  A major part of my process for finding ways to improve my life, is gone.

Today I am feeling very low, and more lost –  I can not see which way to turn.  And I know it will get worse… at least for a while.

Follow-Up From Yesterday.

When I went to be last night, I spent about an hour going over my plans to go to Walgreen’s.  I will try to go in about 2+ hours, so I will have to go thru it again… probably 3 or 4 times.

I can visualize the store in my mind.  I can see the isles, and the items on the shelve – sans any writing on them. I can walk down each isle, and see what is around me.

I need to map out my visit.  Where am I going to go first, and what path will I follow?  Where is each item I need?  At what point do I go get my prescriptions at the back of the store?  And most importantly, what do I do if they are out of something – I am only getting things I know then carry.

I visualize the people I who work there, and what to expect from them.  It is all very carefully planned.

And I plan it over, and over, and over, to make sure I have every option covered.  I even plan for changes I might have to make if they are restocking some place, and I have to come back to it.

The plan must be precise, and cover all possible changes that I might have to make.  I also have developed a plan for each item they may not have – what will I get, or use instead?

I takes a lot of time.  All together, I fully expect this trip to take about 6 hours of prep time.

AND: I should get better at this, I am out of practice.  This trip should only take 3-4 hours to plan.

And I Am Sisyphus.

I have, at times this year, made significant progress.  But each time, events have hit me hard, and knocked me back.  I really think that is fairly normal.  I am not fond of this system though.

Now I find myself in a place I have been before… it is familiar.  I have to rethink much of my life, and my goals, and how I could get there.  I have discovered that I have been operating under some misconceptions.  And they could affect just about everything I am.

It has also thrown the breaks on my efforts to do more at home, and find success here, before stretching farther.  It is a plan I developed with the help of my psychologist.  And it was working.

Now I will have to cut way back on those efforts.  I have not been to the grocery store in a couple of months.  Recently, I have known I would not have to do the grocery shopping, and it caused a much bigger reduction in my built up anxiety by the end of the week.

I was doing a lot more at home – especially with my hobbies.  But I was also doing better at my household chores, and even doing things not on my list!  It was getting so good, I found myself without the TV or stereo on much of the time.  I had other, more fun things to do!

It has now been almost 3 weeks since there has been any grocery shopping done here.  I ran out of Guinness over a week ago.  I am scrambling to meet some of my needs.  Fortunately, a local Walgreen’s is one of the places I can go, and I have been able to keep up.

Not any more.  We are now out of the right food for one of our cats.  He pretty much has to eat it.  I have stalled as long as I could, but I still have no idea how to resolve that issue until Wednesday when I have to go out to see my psychiatrist.  I can stop for a couple of things then.  I hope.

So I am now back where I was.  I spent about 4 hours today working very carefully on my plan to go to Walgreen’s tomorrow.  If nothing goes wrong, I should make it just find.  But the result is that I start the week already depleted.  I will not get much done around here this week.  My hobbies will gather dusk.

I have to focus on being able to do different things now.

Another Weekend Lost…

to Depression.

There is nothing new in this.  It happens most of the time… at least to some extent.   I plan for things.  Almost every week, I have a “plan”.  It’s really more of a hope now.  But there are so many hurdles to get thru.  And one small mistake, and I tip over the edge.

Anxiety, I am better at managing.  Not really good… but better.  With planning, I can usually overcome even strong anxiety.  Like tomorrow I have to take 2 cats to the Vet.  That is only about 5 blocks away.  But I am already having to deal with the anxiety.

But I have never learned how to overcome depression in that way.  My Doctors tell me it can’t be done… not by brut force anyway.  I can sometimes push myself thru my anxiety.  There is a cost, but I can usually do it.  Depression?  Not so much.

The nature of depression takes away all will, caring, all positive emotions, and leaves very little else.  It’s like trying to just overcome a coma.

Nothing matters…

How to Motivate a Mountain

I may not actually be a mountain, but when it comes to getting me motivated, I am as much so.  I do not know how to motivate myself… worse, I do not know how Lori can motivate me to do things around here.

It is a difficult situation.  It comes back to the problem that I do not know what if feels like to be “happy”.  My psychiatrist and I talked about this.  My brain is confusing what might be “happy”, with the feeling of moving into depression.  Now that is for some later Blogs.

For now, the problem is how do I teach my brain to understand what is happening?  Success – that is what I need to experience more of.  Then I think it will get easier to motivate myself.

BUT for now, nothing is working!

When is Understanding Enough?

One of the most difficult tasks someone with severe depression, and debilitating anxiety has, is to try to explain what is does, to other people.  Everyone who has suffered from depression, knows that others do not know what it is.  This is one experience we all share.

Most people have never really been depressed.  Certainly not the debilitating depression that some of us feel.  I can not know what is was like to grow up as a Black man in the South, in the `50s.  I can learn about it, and sort of come to understand it… maybe.  But only someone who has been there would know what it is like… and only that person could determine how well I understood it.

The worst problems are with people who think they understand, but do not.  They think they understand what it feels like, and what it does to you.  But listening to them proves they do not.

So they try their plans, and in their ignorance, they make things worse.  They make the worst possible suggestions, and have totally unrealistic expectations.  They think they know how things should work… so they act on that basis.  And it actually conflicts with what is really happening – making the situation destructive.

Isolation results.  You can’t even try to explain things to these people because they will inadvertently apply their wrong thinking, and push things in the wrong direction.  So we learn to not even try to explain.  Things work better with less communication, because communication can not exist without understanding.

It is not their fault.  How can they understand something so far outside their existence.  But if they are smart, and learned, it can be very difficult for them to accept it is something they do not get.  And if they are so very sure they understand, there is not point trying to explain anything to them.

Some people will not learn.

When Worlds Collide

The last few days have seen some great progress… but also some huge set-backs that will totally derail any prospect of improvement in the short term.

I know everything is my fault, and I do not need to hear it anymore.  But it sure would be nice if people understood what I was talking about.

Sessions went GREAT!  Both of them.  Psychologist Wednesday, psychiatrist yesterday (Thursday).  We totally have a plan!!  But it is unworkable because of issues beyond my control.

Fortunately, I have another session Monday.

A Small Update

I have not written… because I have not been able to figure out what to say.  My meds have changed, and things are going better.  But I know it is not enough.  My psychiatrist thinks I will need more, but we are waiting for things to really settle down.  It takes time.

I am doing pretty well when I am home alone.  But it has let me down at other times.  It is much harder to go out… for any reason.  Even going for the mail has to be carefully planned.  And I have less patience with myself, and others.  I more easily have too much anxiety, and many – though short periods of depression.

It will take longer to figure out my meds.  But I still have things I need to do.  There are places I want to go.  I just have less energy for it than even a year ago.

I think I have fallen back more than that year.  I am doing better at home, but nowhere else.  Even at home I can not stay on task for very long.

Things will get better… in time.  I am just working thru it all, and I trust things will get better.

The Eye of the Storm

I am feeling a little better today.  My stomach is not swirling much… my chest feels calmer, and my anxiety is only “bad” now.  Normally I would call this bad, but today I will take it!

I know this may be the eye of the storm.  Today I am completely off Cymbalta.  So there may be another round of withdrawal… I don’t know.  I may know more later today, so stay tuned.

Others have told me about it being hard to get off Cymbalta… so at least there are those out there who have been there.  It must be easier for some people than for me, and harder for others.  There is always some variation.

Mostly I am tired of feeling so low, and depressed.  But with a fruity topping of anxiety.  From what happened in my last reduction in Cymbalta, I might be feeling it within the day.

Oh well.  Life goes on, and I have to do this.  I just hope I do not fall down along the way.

Another Day Along…

I am feeling a little better physically today.  But my mood has gone into a nose-dive.  I am increasingly depressed, and my anxiety is causing me to have the jitters.

I have not eaten since Thursday.  I am not hungry.  My stomach is doing some wonderful flip-flops from time to time.  But less than yesterday.

The big problem is that this has all been because of a reduction in my Cymbalta.  Today was the last day I took any at all.  So I will be going thru this more.  I think Monday will be interesting.  At least I can get away some next weekend.

The prospect of 3 or 4 more days of this are very upsetting, but there is no way around it.  Wednesday I see my psychologist, then an hour later, I see my psychiatrist!  Isn’t it a wonderful world?

I should be feeling better by then, but all that will also be very draining.  I am not sure how this will all play out.

New Meds and Withdrawal

I saw my new psychiatrist last week, and she started me getting off Cymbalta and back on Lexapro.  She says the Lexapro will probably not do enough for me, but it will be better, and once I am stabilized, we can look at other meds.  Good times…

The first few days were uneventful… well… not really.  I had a lot of issues over the weekend with swirling feelings, and anxiety.  I crashed out early Sunday, and did not hold up very well overall.

The beginning of this week looked really good!  my anxiety was down, and I was feeling pretty good.  But things started changing again Tuesday evening.  I was lowering my Cymbalta dose, and Tuesday was the second time I had lowered it.  now I was feeling what I call SBS – Swimming Brain Syndrome.  When I moved around, my brain seems to be lagging behind my head.

It got worse yesterday, and I had to miss session with my psychologist.  there was no way I was going to try to drive.  Today I am a little better… but not much.

The bad thing today is that depression has set in.  (We are going to work on my depression meds later too).  now I am feeling really down, and like I want to just stay in bed.  And I still have SBS!  So I am not doing very well.  I go completely off Cymbalta Sunday, so I think things will take a while to settle down.

I had planned to go out to dinner tonight, but that is looking in doubt.  It’s hard enough to go out at all, but now I feel to upset, and depressed to even think about it.  I might feel better later, so I am waiting to see how I feel.

Anyway… I had not written for a while, so I thought I would fill you all in on where I am.  I will try to write more.

And It’s New Meds Again!

I was finally able to see a psychiatrist today.  Just to refresh your brains… my current doctor decided I needed to go to a specialist for further meds changes.  This was after she changed me from Lexapro to Cymbalta.

Now, I will transition back to Lexapro.  We know that works, though my psychiatrist thinks it will not work well enough for me.  But I want to get myself stabilized before trying anything else.  It would appear I am a tough case… nice.

I am also going to probably have to change my Bupropion.  But that will come later too.

These meds transitions are not very pleasant.  There can be all sorts of side affects, as well as making my emotions dance a bit too much.  Actually, it can mess up my brain in a lot of fun ways.  It can make life interesting.

Also the Lexapro will give me mild headaches for a couple  of weeks – to a month.  That is the only side affect I have had.

I just think it would have been really nice if my doctor had sent me to a psychiatrist last Summer when all this started.  But I guess it’s better now than never.  She just did not listen quite closely enough to me.  It was my decision to give the change a try.  However I got here, it will not be very fun for a while.

I will be continuing to see my regular psychologist as well.

Stay tuned!

Where to “Go” Now

I was scheduled to see a psychiatrist this morning to work on my meds.  I got to a point where my regular doctor felt I needed to see a specialist.  I have a psychologist, but she can not prescribe the meds I need.

But earlier this week, I got to the point where I knew I could not go.  I cancelled.  I had to.  I can not go out on my own.

Now I am locked in a struggle to figure out what to do next.  The problem is that the issue I have is not about going to a psychiatrist, it’s about continuing to see my regular doctor.  There have been issues.

If I decide to get a new doctor, then I have to wait for the psychiatrist until after I would see the new doctor… after I find one.  So I may be delayed…

So I am stuck.