Tag Archives: psychiatrist

That’s One Small Step For… Me

I have started looking for a new therapist.  My former psychologist has recommended a couple of people I am contacting today – LOTS of anxiety about this. 

But I think we can all agree, that I really need to get going again, and this is the way to go.

My last psychologist is no longer doing therapy.  I can understand that.  It must be very draining to conduct therapy.  I will be staying in touch though.

I do known she helped me put my life back together when I most needed it.  And she probably saved our marriage.  I remember the people who have helped me in my life.  This is a big one!

There will be more on this soon.

A Very Good Week… and a Trip!

Last week was a vacation week for Lori.  I decided to skip the Blogs, and just try to have a nice relaxing time.

It started out a bit shaky, and we ending up not going camping.  But we had a nice time at home, and on Friday went to our favorite place in Newport, Oregon for a couple of nights.  Those were my first nights away from home in 7 months!

We had a wonderful time!  Lot’s of great food at April’s – she is a genius in the kitchen!!  I even found a very nice sketch on multiple layers of glass.  Lori found 2 very nice little trunks for our dinning room too!

So I am starting out the week on an up note, and it feel very nice.

I have also developed a clearer plan for what I am going to do about my metal situation.  So all in all it was a great week!

I really needed a good week – we both did!  And there it was!!!

Gibraltar Falls…

On me.

Events have not been moving in my direction.  I have dug myself into a position, where I am going to be forced into an attempted solution that I do not have much confidence in.  I do not know…

I am very confused right now.  It is early in the day, but I can not see any light.  My world keeps getting darker.

There are some very deep issues I need to deal with.  Until I do, I can not resolve many of the little issues – like how much I go out.  Yes, that is actually a little side issue.  It is a symptom, not a stand-alone problem.

The cart is before the horse.  I am in a position where I must resolve the symptoms before I can work on the actual internal problems.  I have been trying to do it that way for too long, and it is doomed to failure.  Things do not get better.

So I need to get back to working on what is really happening in my brain, in a way that can lead me out of this horror.  And I am going to have to do it completely on my own.  I do not know if I even can start.  Things have got so dark, that I have no hope left.

Here the big problem is that I am not sure how much I care any more.  I have been fighting this too long.  Every day I have to fight for control… to keep from crashing out entirely.  And I just do not have the energy to do more than just get thru the day.

It is not going to get better.

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

Dora was right.

I am still swimming.  To be honest, I feel absolutely horrible this morning.  But I know this will pass too.  If things fall into place the way I think they will (could?), I will be able to get better.

My psychologist said I had an “undying optimism”.  It is one of the things that has allowed me to get this far.  I still believe.

It is difficult, and some times I want to give up.  But I always pull back together, and keep moving forward.  It is a huge drain, but it has worked for a very long time.  And it continues to give me enough energy to be able to keep trying.

So… not to worry… I will keep going.  And maybe things will take a great turn for the better today!  Or tomorrow… but it will come.

Some Things I Know

I know what I want my life to look like.  I know how I want to spend my time.  I can see the good life.

But I can not do it.  I keep telling myself I will get there, but things have gradually got more difficult over the last couple of years.  If you read this Blog often, you know that.

I have the audacity to believe I can get there.  And I will.  I have not yet found the way to go.  But I will.  I have too many days where all I can do is get thru the day.  Literally.

Even that will get better. 

Nowhere To Go

There is nowhere for me to go.

I am tired.  I am trying to build up some reserves.  I will have to go out this week on several errands.  And I still have a sick cat to deal with – he is okay.  He just needs some tube feeding because he is not eating enough yet.  There are many things to do…

Things will get done.  But I am a little worse each week.  There are things I need to do to start getting my life in order.  But they require a huge leap of faith.  Faith in other people… including people who have let me down in the past.  I do not have the reserves for that.

Additionally, I am trying to keep from completely breaking down mentally.  There is a daily struggle.  I am trying to stay alive.  I am trying to get out of the Pit.  But I guess that is not so important if you are not me.  Unfortunately, I do happen to be me. 

So I have to work on my problems, and not just be trying to recover from the week.  I still have a true vacation coming up.  I just want to make it thru the few days.

Addendum

It has been pointed out to me that I am “in no way” taking care of Lori’s needs.  That is true.  What I should have said is that there is an expectation that I will.  There is at the very least not going to be anything for me…

I know I do not meet Lori’s needs.  I can not even meet my own.  But my point was that there is NO support system for me.

See… even my Blogs get argued with, and bring not support.

I Would Rather Have the Nightmares

All in all, I would rather face the nightmares of sleep, than my real world.  I do not belong here, but there is nowhere else to go.

Whenever I sit to write a Blog, I have to be careful… I have to filter what I want to say.  I leave out some important points because I do not want to upset anyone.  I have few enough friends as it is… I do not need to push any more away.

I do not have a plan.  I do not have any direction to go.  My biggest problem is that I lack a support system.  There is no-one I can turn to for support, and know it will be there.  Most of the time I have absolutely no support at all.  I have to get thru everything on my own – then try to take care of Lori’s needs when she comes home for the weekend.

On the weekends, I have to get even more done in order to reduce stress around here.  So there is never a time for me to get what I need.  And let’s face it, I need a lot.

Until I can build some kind of support structure under which I can have room to fall back if I need to, I can not take any chances that could disrupt my precarious balance.  So I wait.  I have been waiting for a long time.

Everyone has their needs.  When you have a stressful life, and work at a difficult job, you need time to relax and recover – weekends.  My life is… very stressful, and I do not get that weekend.  I understand.  Each of us has to find our own way of making it thru the hard times,  I have not found mine yet.

Time is growing short.  It gets harder and harder to take action.  The worse I get, the harder it is to take chances.  Then I become even more isolated.  It is a terrible cycle.  And it only gets worse.

So I sit here, as patiently as I can, waiting for the opportunity to come along.  But… it has to be a very solid base now before I can even plan a step.  It’s not going to happen.

Always be Prepared!

I try to be prepared.  When there is something really important to be ready for, I can plan it out, and usually make it happen – within reason.  That is what I did last week.

I was going to try a short shopping trip to a new place, and one I have been to many times.  It was all set for Friday.  But Wednesday I started working on preparations for something else.

My efforts went very well.  Friday I was able to calm myself enough to remain relaxed thru the day.  I cut back my plans so I could do just one thing.  Things did not work out though…

Saturday I struggled just to make it till today.  I did… I always do.  But I have fallen into depression.  There is only so much energy to get things done.  I try to figure out where it goes, but that does not always work.  It did not this week.

I do not know what to do.

It Was More Interesting When…

When I was in therapy, I generally had better things to write about here.  There were plans and ideas.  I had things to reflect on, and new thoughts to share.  There were many positive things in my Blogs, even when I was not feeling very positive.

Now I mostly write about the boring – the everyday stuff that fills the empty places in our lives.  It’s okay… but there is not as much to learn from it.

I need to get myself back on track towards something.  I need to be learning about life.  And I need to write about that part of my life.  Not so much this part.  I can do that!

There are a lot of things I need to get back to working on.  I am not sure of the complete list.  Though I suppose I have run thru a lot of it the last few months right here in these blogs.

I have started writing a Blog about things I am planning to make it easier to do more shopping.  I have been thinking about that a lot, and I am ready to try a couple of things.  I may even start tomorrow with one simple idea.

So tune in and see something a little more promising.

I am Depressed

Sorry for not having a snappy title.

Yesterday was not very good… it was not a disaster.  But today I have fallen into a depressive episode.  I got up from a nap totally flat.  I did not feel anything.  Now I am not sure what to do.

I may go back to bed.  Or I may just sit here.  Sometimes I sit here in my office, and just stare at the floor.  I also like to stare at the green light on the smoke detector in our bedroom.  And virtually nothing goes thru my mind while I do that.

I should feel better tomorrow… or the next day.  But it will be back.

Okay… I Think I know What I am Going to do. (Besides Weird capitaliZation)

It has become increasingly clear what direction I should go.  I still have a lot to think about, but at least I think I have a direction.  I am not ready to write about it, but it does make me feel better to have decided.

I think I am ready to DO something this week, or early next week.  I need to discuss it, and think about it.

A Log From the Edge… and Beyond

I do not know what will happen in my brain.  I think I will get better, but this Blog could record my decent into madness… not likely though.  So… not to worry…

I have been sleeping too much.  The bedroom is a sort of sanctuary for me.  It is easier to relax and let the day fade away.  But it means I am not spending much time up, and active.  I do not have much energy for it.

There are many times during the day when it is all I can do to stay awake – I want to sleep.  Everything has been getting harder, so I have to push myself more, and that uses up energy.  And the days get shorter.

I have not finally decided what to do about therapy – except that I need it.  My psychiatrist thinks I will need more meds too.  But I need to get my thoughts straightened out before we can be sure.  I only see her for meds, so I will need to find a new therapist… or try to go back to the old one.

Neither of those 2 thoughts hold much attraction. Contrary to what some people believe, my loss of my psychologist was mostly the result of a misunderstanding.  But it still hurt too much.  And maybe I should try someone else anyway.  But it is so hard to find the right person – especially now.  I know more about what works and doesn’t work for me, so I need the right person.

That search will create many new problems, and anxieties.  There will be plenty of opportunities for failure.  I may have to try more than one therapist.  I am not looking forward to that.

This is going to take months to work out, whatever I do.  The Fall is sort of set aside for it.  I can not really hope to do much else.

But I know I have to find a way to get going again, and start recovering my brain.  I can now also see that I will probably always need someone to help me sort thru things.  I think way too fast, and about too many things for my own good, and I need someone to slow me down, and keep me on track.

My friends will be there for me… though I am not good at asking for help.  Some things sound good, or fun, but just drain away too much energy.  So I pick the things I feel sure I can do, and work on them.  I am tired of letting people down, and cancelling at the last minute.  It is not fair to others.  So I tend to avoid plans with most anyone.

It does not help in the long run, but makes it easier to get thru the days.

A Return Forged in Need

I need to Blog.  It is how I communicate with the world.  I can not stop it now… when I need it more than ever.

You see… I have been gradually falling apart the last month or so.  Things were getting difficult before that, but I have had a more and more difficult time holding myself together.  It has become hard to get thru a whole day without some kind of crash to deal with.

Now I spend pretty much all my time just trying to hold my brain and thoughts together.  That is about all I do… and the dishes.

I do not need advice here – I know my options, and I know I will have to make a major decision very soon.  So I do not need any extra distractions.  There will be times when I will need, and ask for advice, but right now I can not handle it.

I know I need help.  The current situation in untenable.  So all the options I am looking at involve getting that help.

For me… part of getting any help includes this Blog.  I am going to use it to share what I am doing, and dealing with.  As I have done.

There may be some dark times ahead.  But I will always be able to communicate here… at least most of the time.  I may need breaks, but I now realize that my Blogs are part of my therapy.  I need them.

Anger is a Symptom

Anger may, and does cause problems, but anger is a symptom of something deeper going on.  Find that thing, and anger can be resolved.

I found that thing.

I do have trouble with anger from time to time, but who doesn’t?  Once I understood where it was coming from, I was able to put solutions in place.  And I was able to understand.  My anger stopped being such a problem.

But there was a time when it was.  A horrible time in my life.

So I work on these issues every day.  I work myself slowly closer to where I want to be.  And with the help of my friends, and Lori, I will get there.  I can almost see it now.