Tag Archives: psychiatrist

To React, or not to React…

I over-react to things emotionally… I always have.

My brain tells me I am reacting perfectly normally, but there seems to be a problem with my Amygdala.  I do not have as much control as most people do.  And it all comes out too often.  Usually that happens when I am alone, and great sadness sweeps over me.

There are also indications problems with the amygdala may case anxiety problems… hmmm…

I have had problems with my emotions all my life… I was always known for being emotionally outgoing.  I was known for hugging people, and telling people how I felt.  But I also got upset easily, and fell into depression.  I have had depressive periods since my early teens, but they really started hitting me in college.

The anxiety was there even earlier, but that is another Blog…

My psychiatrist and I have talked about this extensively.  There is not a lot I can do about it with meds, other than tranquilizers… I have tried some prescriptions in the past.  They either do not help, or they tranquil everything out of me.  I can not live like that.

I spend much of my time trying to control how I feel… it is very tiring.  But I can usually do a pretty good job.  There are times when I just can not do it.  And that pushes people away, and makes them wary.

Emotions burst out, uncontrollably.  I say and do things I should not.  Before my anxiety meds, I even became violent at times.  I am doing a much better job of managing my anxiety now.

There are also very few people I can talk to… that know me well enough.  My emotional problems have made it impossible for people to be my friend.  I am alone.  So things build up inside.  And it all gets a bit more complicated.

I over-react.  But that does not mean my reaction is wrong, it is just way overdone.  There may still be truth behind it.

Session Yesterday with My Psychiatrist

After going to the Dentist yesterday morning, I went to see my psychiatrist.  Mostly we talked about my meds – I am still struggling too much of the time.

I am adjusting the timing of one of my meds for a couple of weeks to see if that helps.  After that we may alter the form of my med – I could try the Extended Release version.  Then things get more complex.

There is a new kind of Liver test that shows how your liver deals with different kinds of chemicals.  The test shows the efficiency of 6 different pathways thru the liver, that can determine how some drugs are metabolized.

Primarily, the 2D6, and 2C19 pathways are most involved in metabolizing psychoactive meds.  My 2D6 may be too efficient.  That would explain why I need twice the maximum recommended dose of one med, and why that is not enough.  My liver may be eliminating it before it can do its job.

If may also show why Vicodin did not work very well for me.

The down side… the test is about $1000, and it is classified as “Experimental”.  So insurance will not cover it… but I may have no other way to go.  I can’t just keep trying me meds, and combinations.

Things Just Do What They Want

I should be doing better.  I should be feeling better.

Things are going better at home – I am getting more done.  I am having more success completing things.  But I am not feeling much more energy.  I am still tending to crash out after about 12 hours being up.

Things should be better.

Why am I not feeling it yet?  Things are going along well enough, but I can’t pull it all together.  Is it just a matter of time?  Or is it time to take another look at my meds?  I will be seeing my psychiatrist next month, and we will have to take about this.  So far we have been waiting for my home life to fall into place… I think I am there.  SO it may be time to revisit my meds…

Or maybe I still have farther to go… but I am tired of all the constant effort.  I spend way too much time trying to relax, and lower my anxiety.  It all ends in the early evening, when I have to figure out dinner (or not), and I just can’t do any more.  So I go to bed – sometimes I read for a while… sometimes not.

I know I am better.  Maybe I just need more time to really feel it.

There is still hope for Chartreuse

My time has been too full the last several days.  There is a family problem to deal with, cats to the vet, and a new crown on a tooth… Too much.

Yesterday I started falling under the pressure.  I am okay, but I have been drained, and I am just sort of coasting along, trying to make things work.  One thing at a time.

I am feeling better about my trip last week, and the next one coming up.  But I have more important things to worry about now.

I have picked the next psychologist I will try going to… though I do not know when that will be.  Some time in the next month or so, I will go.  But as things around home continue to stabilize, I am fine with seeing how it goes for a few more weeks.  Starting to see someone new will take energy, and resolve, but it will help a lot in the long run.

My psychiatrist recommended her, and likes my plan of letting things settle a bit more first.

As for today?  I do not expect to get much done.  It will come in short bursts of energy.  And sometimes, I get a lot done that way.  It all depends on how the first few things go.  I will pick initial tasks that are pretty well defined, and easy to do.  That gives me the best start… and the best chance at success.

All I want is to tinker around the house, and get some things done to make it easier to do more… and then more.  I would like to get the garage finished – it should only take a couple of hours… spread out over a couple of days.

Small plans lead to big accomplishments.

And that nice new chartreuse ink I got is great for highlighting!

Reports of My Demise have been Greatly Made Up

I am still here… still struggling.  But I am still moving forward.  Things are slowly getting better for me at home.  I am getting more done.  There are times when I have to deal with setbacks… but isn’t that just part of life?

I have been sitting at my workbench, watching Futurama… and Once Upon a Time.  I stream them from my own Video Server.  I can get a lot done once I get into the right state of mind.  Add some espresso, and good food, and I am all set!

There are still some major problems to deal with – one thing at a time.  But I really do feel as if I am on the right track.  At least most of the time I think so.

In the World of the Mentally Ill

And that is not “mentally the third”.

When your brain does not work the same way, you are often left defenseless in the real world.  I can not predict how people will react to me, because my mind can not work that way.  I do not know how to interpret them.

I have been described as “overly empathetic” by my psychologist, and psychiatrist.  I do not have filters, so everything hits me at my heart.  My mind tells me that everyone will be the same.  Maybe I lack some basic defense mechanism, but I am constantly, emotionally buffeted by people around me.

I can not usually relate… so I try to be alone.

Thoughts over-run my mind, until I can not think clearly about anything.  So I try to be alone.  I try to minimize the amount of input I am dealing with… I have to deal with it all.  I can not let something slip out of my thoughts, until it is resolved.  And how often can we really resolve things fully?

I spend at least 4 hours of almost every day, just trying to push down my anxieties, fears, thoughts, and emotions.  It gets tiring.  And there is nothing to show from it.  It is empty wasted time…

Some people respond by saying nothing – afraid to say the wrong thing.  Some people go ahead as if everything is normal, and run right over me.  It is so easy to do without even trying (not that they would).  Most of the time, I just go on… or try to.  Some times it is all too much, and I crash into depression.

We Have Dealt with the Whole “Crazy” Issues Enough for Now – So a Report Card.

So… I am doing much better in 2 major parts of my life:

1)  I am doing much more at home.  Both household jobs, and hobby activities, are getting done more often, and easily.  It is generally easier for me to do most everything.  I have been able to manage anxiety, and avoid depression most of the time.  I am having an easier time calming my mind.

2)  Going out is becoming easier – within limitations.  There are very few places I can go by myself, but with planning, I have even gone on an overnight trip by myself!!  I am now also much more confident about going places with Lori – I think I could prepare to go just about anywhere.

These do not solve all my problems.  I am by no means finished.  And there are always pitfalls, and obstacles to overcome.  I still have to crash out often.  But I recover.  And I am able to move on with just a bit of lost time.

There are other issues.  But I am trying to most concentrate my efforts on the above 2.  If I can get those under more control, I will be ready to move on to the other, and bigger problems… in time.

I give myself  B+

 

I Can’t Even Explain it to Myself

I can not deal with complex social issues.  Well… not really even so complex.  When there are too many issues going around, I can not keep them all clear in my mind, anxiety grows, and there is a crashing sound in the back of my brain – figuratively.

I can plan only one thing at a time.  I can only have one trip out of home, in my thoughts.  If other events, or possibilities intrude, I can not go on.  Even if the events would be fun for me.  How fun something might be, has nothing to do with how my anxiety will grow.

Even a simple shopping trip will take all my thoughts and energies.  Adding one more place to go can bring down the entire house of cards.  No-one understands it… I do not understand it.  I know how it works… the affects it has… but the process is beyond my ability to comprehend.

My life has to remain simple.  There can not be too many things to figure out, or to do. 

My mind is not as strong as it once was.  I used to be able to think thru all sorts of issues, and problems.  My brain got tired.  Times change.  I am not what I used to be.  And I just can not hold social events in my mind… even the simple ones.

Oh I can still design complex things I can build.  I can do all the designing visually in my mind… and I sometimes come up with some very impressive ways to simplify something I want to make.  I can still visualize complex, multiple parts in my mind in 3D.  Wonderful, complex machines…

But when it comes to me, and my life… I get easily lost.  Even just going to Walgreen’s can fill my thoughts.  It will be all I can handle.

So… How Am I Really Doing?

I put on a good show… even in therapy.  I am always in a “better” mood when I talk, or share about myself.  Yup… When I am feeling worse – more normal – I do not communicate much at all.  I learned a long time ago that people do not want to see the truth if they think there is nothing they can do.

So this is Me Lite. 

I make plans as if I am actually going to follow thru.  Every evening I think about what I could do tomorrow.  It almost never happens.  I can not go places, or accomplish things at home.  Everyday I struggle to get up, and get going.  I probably would not if it weren’t for the kitties – they need feeding, and one needs meds.

It is all I can do to get thru most days.  Anxiety and depression take a constant toll.

But it’s not like I have a lot of options.  There is more I need to do – it just takes more planning and energy than I have.  I want to be able to relax more, but having actual fun seems out of reach.  It does not happen very often.  Most days I just get thru…

Maybe I am better, but I am not seeing it.

For Lack of a Nail…

There is so little joy in this life.  There is the struggle over whether it is even worth the effort.  I have lived my whole life looking forward to the day when things would finally start to be easier… and more fun.  It is always just out of reach.

One day, I will either make it, or finally come to realize there is no hope.  Someday, the effort will exceed the potential reward.  It already feels that way some of the time.

Life becomes hopeless. 

But I keep moving “forward”.  I keep trying.  I know going forward is my only hope.  So I can push thru the days, and seek out the little joys I find.  Look around – there are good things in every moment.  Find them.

I have my kitties… and my hobbies… and the weekends.  There is a constant flow of good things it see, and feel. The “nail” is everywhere, if I look for it.  And that is where I can start to build.  The dark days pass, and there is always light.

Never give up for lack of a nail.

Depression… It Never Quite Goes Away

This week has tested my limits – and the limits are still there.  Depression is always lurking around the edges of my life.  Some weeks make it almost inevitable.  This was one of them.

Monday and Tuesday were horrible difficult.  And issues all week never gave me a break.  I was alone to deal… or at least to try.  And this week it got to be way too much.  But I still had to go on.  Even this morning, I had to get up and do what I do every morning.  There are things to take care of.

Once I am done, I will go back to bed, and hope the world will go away.  Nice.

The Low Point of the Day… Chemistry Attacks

Every day, there is a low point.  There is a time when I still could do some things, but I have already failed to do much of anything.  Often around 3-5pm, I will start to crash.  The day seems lost.

I can never know how it will all work out.  Usually I fight my way thru it… I know it will pass.  Sometimes I pull things together, and actually do something.  And there are times when I just go to bed.  Sound familiar?

Espresso helps me get thru it sometimes.  My psychiatrist and I have discussed how my body chemistry may be changing during the day.  The espresso may be convincing my brain that I am feeling better than I am.  There are so many changes going in our bodies that we do not understand.  Chemistry in the brain changes chemistry in the body.

One med I use to fight anxiety, can lower my anxiety very quickly.  At times my brain may be interpreting it as if I am getting depressed, and I start to feel low.  Not depressed, but sort of like I know it’s coming.  Espresso can help here too.  I think the caffeine fools my brain into thinking I am okay.

I am not saying caffeine is the answer.  But it is part of my arsenal of ways to fight back.  Like I have said, it is a constant struggle.  I have to trick my brain into feeling reality.

So it is possible my brain misinterprets these changes in my body chemistry.  And here it may be that caffeine it convincing my brain that I am better.  These kinds of changes can cause depression.  And in some people they can cause euphoria.  We do not know much about this part of how the human body works.  It is still a mystery to all humankind.

And the Meds Keep Coming…

I saw my psychiatrist Monday– she just takes care of my meds.  I have to go every now and then to update my prescriptions.  Right now I feel like they are about right.  I still have too much anxiety at times… but I can usually handle it.

My “anti”-depression meds are still working pretty well – I have a couple of depressive episodes every week, but they usually last less than a day.  Before this, they last days, or even weeks.  So I am back to mostly having to manage anxiety.  And I have go much better at that.

There were other issues to cover.  I will be talking with her about finding a new psychologist in April… so that will help.  She likes my plan of trying to stabilize my home life for a while – as long as there is progress.  So that helps too.

There were other places to go, and things to deal with Monday.  Then yesterday I had someone in the house to install some “things”.  So I have been pretty well drained.  But today I can try to relax, and get my thoughts together again.

When trying to manage anxiety, the question always arises – “why bother?”  I can hide from most causes of anxiety.  I can shut myself away, and usually feel better.  And it’s not like a have to put any effort into being around people… who would they be anyway?

See… too many thoughts for right now…