Tag Archives: phobia

“Well that’s just stupid! :)”

An email from my wife.

YES!!!! And I need to figure out why my Brain does that!!!  my response

My brain makes the same stupid decisions over and over.  I am a smart guy, but just about anyone could see the signs of disaster before I crash out.  Ask anyone who has known me… I do run into the same public wall, over and over.  I do not know how to respond to people.  I always assume I am much more accepted than I am.

Everyone knows what the result of all this is. 

And I am one of them.  I know the logic is faulty.  But no matter how prepared I am, I can not overcome some part of my brain, that insists that I must react a certain way… regardless…  Try to imagine how frustrating it might be, to see this error, within your own brain, but to be totally unable to stop it from happening.

I have been making the same mistakes for 40 years – probably a few hundred times..  And each and every time, I suffer a crushing blow.  My newer meds schedule, is smoothing things out along the way – I do not have as many ups and downs during the day.  So that is good.  But there is still something wrong.

To me, my observations seem to suggest it is more likely to be physiological, than psychological.  I am not saying it is physiological, it could also be chemical, but the constancy, and regularity of the kind of emotional errors seems to point this direction. 

I have nothing to back up this thought, other than it seems to make sense.  So it would be one good place to start looking for truth.  And that is how I work.

“I don’t want anything…”

I have said these words too often in defense of my crazy brain.

garden-party-table-close_horizIf there is something I want… truly want, there will also be great fear of it not coming about.  Something almost always goes wrong.  When my anxiety about it is getting too high, I will back out, and say I want nothing.  It is safer to run away, and get nothing, than to take the chance of being let down.

It is a formula for disappointment.  But fear can make us do many things.

Waffling back and forth results in… alternating between hope and happiness, and fear and anxiety.  The back and forth can be very draining – it hurts.  But the really bad part is that eventually I end up with nothing… even though that is not what I wanted.  If I do it well, people may not even know I lost what I wanted.

I do this on a fairly regular basis.  It is less disappointing than having things fall apart at the last minute.

So my life is often about trying to find the way to be least disappointed.

Waffles with Blueberries and Blueberry Syrup

Waffles-001For some reason, this suddenly sounded very good.  My Mom liked waffles.

I have been thinking today, about the fun things I can have at home.  I have been figuring out some things for my Shop.  I am more focused on my own private life.

And I will be focusing on home life.  There is only one other person I should be thinking about.  I can not make friends.  It does not work for me.  That is not to say I never will be able to have friends… it just means I can’t do it now.

I will focus on my life.  I will not be devoting energy to people outside this home.  I won’t put them off… but I won’t make any efforts.

Actually, this will be very difficult.  There are times when everyone feels the need for company.  I need it too sometimes.  But I can avoid it if I am careful.  There may be times when I can not make my brain work as I wish.

I honestly believe that would be better for me for a while.  There are things to not like about it, but it would be a lot less stressful.  And when I reach out, no-one responds… no-one wants to just talk about it.  It’s okay.  I am probably one of the more difficult people to talk with.  So I end up pushing people away…

There are many details to figure out as I go along.  I can make it work.

AND… I found my car key.

On Being Non-Social

I am not anti-social… I am non-social.

DSCF7224

Here’s an example:: say there was going to be a small garden party at our house.  I would probably be around – I would be there to eat, and maybe a bit more.  I might rather it not happen… but it could be fun for a while. 

So I am not anti-social.  I just have no intention of planning for any such event.  And I can not socialize long before wanting to learn more about someone, and I must not do that.  Like… if I found someone liked photography, then I might think about a photo trip.  But I don’t want to think of that.

So I can wonder off into my office, or my shop… I can reappear when I feel I can.

Is it lonely?  You bet.  But ya gotta take the bad with the good.

And it is not like there is a lack of things for me to have fun with around here – I have a wood shop and metal shop (small), plus my office.  I should be putting my energies into my hobbies… and stuff for Lori!   Smile

AND… I have had this wonderful feeling… as if a great weight had been removed from my shoulders.  I have actually been feeling good!  There will be lots of ups and downs, but aren’t there always??

PS… this Blog was posted accidentally early.

PPS… the photo is at Butchard Garden near Victoria, BC, Canada

A Man, a Plan, a Canal, Panama

A nice palindrome.

Ortelius_-_Maris_Pacifici_1589

I do not do well at traveling.  People who know me, know that.

Sometimes, someone will suggest a place to go… it is interesting.  So we talk about it.  There are enticing ideas of things we could do, and I get optimistic.  And there will be a plan.  So I wait… they will have a plan.  And I wait… and wait…

People who know me also know my brain never stops thinking.  So I roll the idea around in the back of my mind.  In an absence of new information, my brain comes up with more bad things about the trip, than good things.  Eventually, I reach a tipping point where I no longer feel comfortable with the whole idea.

Then they get mad at me.  It is my fault that I was not patient enough to wait for the plans, which never seem to be forthcoming.  I could just assume it will happen, but my brain does not, never has, and probably never will be able to do that.  People know that about me.

But no matter how many times people see the same results, they will keep trying to plan trips by the same method.  What did Einstein say about intelligence?  I am supposed to rewire my brain, and react to the same stimuli in a new way.  But they – the sane ones – get to follow the same path, and it always becomes my fault.

I am growing very tired of this.

SO… I will NOT travel overnight to any new places for the remainder of this year, nor probably throughout all of next year as well.  If others wish to travel, I will wish them a Bon Voyage.

Again… I can not change the way my brain works, and I have grown increasingly unable to push myself beyond my limits, to meet the conditions meted out by others.

As Time Crawls Along

The passage of time is not always predictable.

“The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”  –  Albert Einstein

For me, time seems to go so very slowly most of the time.  Depression makes time slip by so very slowly.  But that is not even the worst of it…

Because of my home life, most mistakes, or misunderstandings, cost me at least a week.  Since I am home by myself all the work week, there are times when I can only get some things done on the weekend.  Missing an opportunity easily pushes “plans” back a week or more.  And usually I have little control over it… so almost every week I push back my plans… my hope.

Sometimes whole months slip by without any real progress in my life.  I am getting household things done… trying to keep up.  But my personal life just sits.  And there is no-one who will help me make it better.  I am not trusted… and my needs are not a priority.  But even that is my own fault…

See… if you struggle all your life, without knowing what is ripping your thoughts, and emotions apart, it is hard to become trusted.  And even when you find out what the truth is, and work towards building some kind of life, that trust does not come back… ever.

I have only myself to blame, and only myself to look to for answers.  It is a mind-numbingly slow process.  Often it does not even seem worth it.    And much of the time, I wish I could stop caring.

I am not the only one with this experience.  There are far too many of us.  But there are far more people out there who do not understand, and do not actually believe in our internal problems.  Just get up and take care of your responsibility… just go out… just…  they all mean, “Just try harder” by other words.

People who treat us like that, have NO concept of trying harder.  They have NO understanding of what trying is really like.  They are not trying to overcome their own mind.  Life must be nice…

Yesterday Was Really Bad

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I have had recently.  From the moment I got up, I struggled to stay going.  I was constantly pushing myself, and working at stopping upcoming crashes.  It was never a sure thing.

But thru it all… I held on.  I commented on my social media, and even got a few things done around here.  I was able to go on well enough that I am pretty sure no-one noticed.  I help up.  I even ate.

Days like that happen.  Usually there are breaks during the day, but this was just one of those days where nothing helped.

This is something I have got slowly better at.  I can struggle longer, and harder, and still make it thru.  It is one more small step forward.  I don’t think it will make any difference today… but these things add up.  I have to play the long game.

I just kept telling my brain to stop trying to crash me out, and relax, and go along one more time.  I pushed very hard.  One thing that has made a big difference, has been getting my office more user-friendly.  It makes it easier to relax.  If I can not control the flood of thoughts in my brain, then I can not stand up long.  Having my space, where I am comfortable, and I do not have chores to do, helps.

That’s good.  My paint-room is still lagging… but I do not need to spend time there, so I can ignore it… for now.  Things build up in my mind so quickly, I can not control the flow of thoughts.  So being where I am now, helps me slow down the input some.

Now I have today…

My Cats Save Lives

I could not possible count, how many times in my deepest depressions, that I have thought, `who would take care of my kitties?’  I can’t say that means they have saved my life.  There are always many reasons for sticking around.  It’s just that they tend to be rather prominently listed.  Hmmm…

Right now, Io and Hyperion are sleeping on my office chair.  Phoebe and Caliban are sleeping on my desk.  Cymbeline is in the living room… I am not sure where Titan is…

There seems to be a tendency, for them to follow me around the house… wherever I settle.  Sometimes it is difficult to turn over at night.  And reading my Kindle can require a very carefully built quilt wall to keep them at bay.  But it is… how do you say “worth it” when it is astronomically beyond “worth it”.  They save lives.

I am sure, very many of you feel the same way.  These small critters twist, and squirm their way into our soul.  We are not so different after all… they need us too.

That is being a friend.

Fooling Little Experiments in Life

We all try things from time to time, where we later think, “What the Hell was I thinking?”  I do that a lot.  And then I wonder why I keep trying.

But I do keep trying. 

The biggest problem I have, is that I usually can’t figure out what was wrong with my thinking!  When it comes to issues involving other people, I do not understand what to think.  I seem to be wrong about how people will react, and what they will think, virtually always.  I get it wrong.

This, above all else, has pushed my into seclusion.  Of course… there are the anxieties, phobias, and depressive episodes as well… so it is hard to say what has caused the most problems.  I just don’t have the energy to keep pushing anymore.

So I carefully plan out my efforts.  The slightest things going wrong can force to to quit.  I crash out and retreat into myself, and my home.  I can not predict how things will go, no matter how careful I am.

There are times when I want to completely give up.  That does not work either.  I must have some contact.  So I keep trying.

To Finish First, You Must First Finish

I do not know who first said this.  I have heard it was Enzo Ferrari… but it does not sound like him to me.  He was like Lombardi – it’s all about the winning.

Whomever said it first, I have found it refers also to live.  You can not achieve your goals, unless you are willing to finish your life.  You can not decide how you have done ahead of time.  Wait and see how things go.

That does not mean people should try to finish their lives early.  Quite the opposite.  Live is a long haul issue.  We have to think about our lives as if they can go on forever.  Otherwise we will most certainly shorten our thinking, and shorten our lives. 

I think what it means is that we can never know how we have finished, until we have finished.  And in reality, that is the only thing that matters.  How are you going to feel about your life in those last moments?

Short of that… all our pronouncements, all our judgments, all our callings for a better society, all our opinions of others, mean nothing.  Nothing.  Nothing… can I make that point any clearer??  We are what we are, and our life is what we make of it.

All that matters is how, we are allowed to see ourselves.  I was careful about those words.  We need to be free to see ourselves as we really are – to see the hidden good.  There is humanity within us, and we must first treat ourselves with humanity.  Live for the goodness within you.

Stop telling people how they should feel.

Driving Through Green Lights

When you are driving along, and as you approach a red light at a busy intersection, you stop.  You know the danger of just driving ahead, thru the light.

Now imagine that as you approach the same intersection, the light is green.  But your brain tells you, you must stop – there is danger driving on – it could kill you.  If you go thru the green light, you will die.  And you feel it.

Phobias are irrational fears.  Like the fear of driving thru a green light.  Intellectually, you know it is safe, but your brain is pumping out adrenalin, and screaming at you to stop.  You know that’s wrong, so you force yourself to go on.  But even after you get safely thru the intersection, your heart may still be pounding, and you feel like you might still die.

Phobias are the fear of the green light.  No matter how well you know the feelings are wrong, your brain tells your body to fear, and to run for safety.

I do not have a fear of green lights.  But I have a fear of going out my front door… of being strange places… of meeting new people.  It does not matter what my mind knows… all that matters is what my brain feels.

I do go out my front door.  I have to fight and overcome the fear.  I have to ignore the adrenaline… I have it go past my pounding heart… my tunnel vision.  And it’s not just going out.  There are many fears.  And all day long, I have to drive thru the green light, telling myself I will be okay.

It is draining.  And it does not matter how well things go, I still have to fight that fear.  It takes a toll… driving thru green lights.

Trip the Rain Fantastic

It was wet in Newport when I was there last week.  That was just fine… I was there to relax, and read, and eat some fun foods.  I was able to sit and watch the rain and wind on the beach – the waves were big and loud.  It was relaxing.

A lot of planning and preparation went into this trip… and I think it paid off.  I am tired, and a bit drained from going, but that seems like a pretty good thing since it was my first trip alone.  I am going back next month.

So I can’t go to the grocery store, but I can drive out to the coast for a couple of nights.  Interesting.  I have always liked the Silvia Beach Hotel, since the first time Lori convinced me to go there a couple years back.  People pretty much leave you alone to read, or just look at the view – no TVs, radios, wi-fi, or any such.  I have been in all the little shops, and I liked the Pub and Bakery.

The idea of going there alone goes back more than a year.  My readers will know that last year was a bit unsettling at times… but I never lost the hope of going to Newport alone.

I paid attention to where things were, and how things felt.  I gradually built a plan.  I had enough time to slowly figure out what I would do, and where I would go.  There is the Pub, which is right down the street, and has foods, and ales I like.  There is a fantastic Wine store where the owner knows what I like.  And the hotel itself, it calm, quiet, and comfortable.  So I planned…

I think it paid off.  Though there were moments when I wanted to give up and run home, I had a very nice day Thursday – I read a book and a half.  The evenings were the hardest – as they are at home.  It was more work than I had hoped, but went better than I had expected.  That is very good.

I still have a lot to think about… but I am going to be ready to go again, and it should get easier each time.

This Blog Starts on Tuesday, Jan. 7th…

These are some short notes I wrote while in Newport, Oregon this week…

Here I am – 100 miles from home… by myself.  I have never gone on a trip by myself, to be by myself in my entire life.  Right now I am wondering about whether I have done the right thing!  My anxiety is way up, and I have a great desire to go home.

I do like it here – it is quiet, and there are nice places to eat and shop.  But mainly I am here because of the wonderful Ocean View reading room on the 3rd floor.  I am in the Jules Verne room of the hotel – there is a squid tentacle across the ceiling… it is a little intimidating!  I have some fresh 3-cheese sourdough bread, and wine, so I am not starving.

But the big thing is that I am here!

It is my hope for this to become a place for me to go and get away – what do I have to get away from?  A fair question.  It is not as if I have a complicated life that needs a lot of relaxation.  Actually… it is exactly like I have a complicated life, and need a lot of relaxation.  I need to get away. We have been coming here for a couple of years, so I already feel comfortable here, but this is a bit more of a test.

I have already had several episodes of wanting to run away.  It hurts.  I have put a lot of time and effort into being able to come here.  I can not give up so easily.

Day2

Well… I have actually been here less than a day.  But it is my full day here.  I had a nice breakfast, and then went out to get the things I forgot – toothpaste et.al.  I am back on the 3rd floor in the ocean view reading room.  Much of my day will be here – I do not feel like going out.

Last night was very difficult.  After dinner at Nana’s Pub, I came back to read.  As the evening went on, my anxieties grew.  I had to fight a huge desire to go home.  It took a long time to get to sleep… though I did sleep well once I fell off.

I have been preparing my thoughts for this rip for over a month.  I know this place well enough to have figured out exactly what I would do each day – almost each hour.  That keeps me going.  All I have to decide is what to eat.  And I studied the menu of the one place I am going, so I know what to expect.  This is a place for reading, and my Kindle is full.  And I have music and movies on my tablet.  So I planned carefully to the last detail.

I could not have even thought of doing this f I did not know, and like this place so much.  I have had this concept in the back of my thoughts for over a year.  I was very careful.

Yesterday when I arrived, I was ready for everything to go wrong.  I was worried, and upset.  But so far, everything has been just as planned – except locking my keys in the car.  But then, that is why I had a spare key in my pocket.  I was very careful in my planning.  I only forgot to bring my snacks… so I bought some here.  No problem.

Living With Phobias – At Least for Me

Phobias do not just turn off when we need them to.  They are always part of our lives.  They eat at us until they win – or we push them back.

I am not a therapist… so I can only write about my own experiences.  Learning to fight phobias is one of the most frustrating things I have ever tried to do,  The powers of phobias ebb and flow in unpredictable ways.  I have had to get used to failures at unexpected times (always?).

My concept of Embracing Agoraphobia goes back about 4 years – my psychologist and I worked it out.  The basic concept is that if I can not go out, it is not the end of the World.  Nothing has changed if I stay home.  So go out when I can, and where I can, otherwise staying home is fine.  There are places I can go – Walgreen’s, the Hobby store… to get cat food…  So those are the places I can count on when I need to.

I really do love my home.  And my own space is taking shape, and has become very comfortable.  It is my safe place.  Having a safe place to go and stay when I need it, is absolutely necessary to being able to move forward.

I only go out where I want to, or where I have to. 

Sometimes I don’t go anywhere for more than a week.  And that is just fine.  I do not have to go out to prove anything to anyone.  I do not have to go out for anyone else.  So I don’t.

It is not a perfect system – but what is?  There are times when I feel bad about not going somewhere.  And I really would like to be able to go out more.  But there are plenty of more important reasons I might feel bad.  In the scope of the world, staying home is a very small issue.

Other people have a lot more difficulty getting used to it than I do! Smile