Tag Archives: pain

It’s Been a While

I have not blogged in several days… I have been feeling very low, and writing has not been any kind of priority.  I have spent most of today in bed, and have not been able to clear my mind of negative thoughts.

I have had a lot of physical pain recently.  I can only manage about an hour and a half on my feet before my knee hurts too much.  Last night it hurt so much I had to go to bed early – it’s the only thing that helps.  But it’s very discouraging.  today I have stayed off my knee, but my back has been hurting.

We set up our Christmas tree, and decorated much of it last night… though I was not able to help much.  I should have done more today during the day… but I could not stay up.

Who knows about tomorrow… I can’t even think about it.  All I can think about are all the things that have gone wrong throughout my life.  I won’t go into that now…

My Joints

I hurt my right elbow while in the shop today.  I was just reaching for something, and POP.  It was the last major joint I had that was fine… till a few hours ago.  This is very disheartening. 

I took a nap because I was feeling so down, and my elbow – and back and toes – got worse.  Again… I have been tested for arthritis markers, and was fine, but I have so many joint issues… both shoulders, both knees, toes, fingers, back, and now both elbows.

Not much else to say about it.  It sucks!

A Convergence of Pains

Today I am having one of those days with a lot of pains.  I have been doing a lot of puttering around the last few days, and now I am paying for it.  Three toes on my right foot are swollen and painful – including one that has not hurt before.  The big toe of my left foot hurts also.

Then there is my left knee, and my back.  It usually does not all hurt at the same time, but every now and then, it all comes together.  Like today.  I don’t know what causes it, but it seems to happen every few weeks.

I have been tested for arthritis markers, and I have none.  But I have plenty of joint issues.  There are problems in both shoulders, and my left elbow… my left thumb, and two fingers on my left hand also have pains.  At least I am right handed!  And I can still type!!

I try to keep perspective about it… there is not a lot I can do to make the pain go away, so I have to live with it.  I will try to get things done.  It’s just what it is… nothing more.

Things don’t get better by wishing.  So I will wait it out, and change my plans for the next couple of days.  It will be okay.

A Very Bad Pain Day

Yesterday was the worst pain day I have had in… at least this year!  I used my anti-inflammatory for my knees and toes, and 2 lidocaine patches on my back.  I have never need 2 patches before.  But even all that did not take away all the pain.

So I was basically locked into just sitting at my desk.  I was only able to do a very few things around the house.  The lidocaine took away my appetite – all I ate was some grapes.  I am still not very hungry.  Fortunately, I don’t really mind being hungry.

Today I am doing a lot better.  My back is still a bit twitchy, and it throws sharp pains at me every now and then.  But it is not as bad as yesterday.  My knee is a little better… not much.  I don’t like to use the anti-inflammatory 2 days in a row, so I will have to deal with that differently today.

I don’t know what I did… but I certainly did something to my back.  I’m glad I know how to deal with it – but it’s still no fun at all!

The “S” Word

For me, there is a word I write frequently in my journal, and think even more often, that I don’t like!  It makes my anxiety go up just to think it.  It makes me want to run and hide my brain.  It is a horrible word for me… the “S” word.  The word is “should”.

What “should” I do today… what ‘”should” things all look like.  How “should” I respond… or feel… or think.  It is a word that can send me into a crashing dive.

Every day, I think and write about what I “should” do.  It leads me into a pit.  It makes me feel like I have already lost… I have already failed.  What “should” I do?  I can almost never live up to that.  It means I can not do enough even before I start.

Even now, it is making me feel bad.  I can’t even write about it without feeling that anxiety, and failure.  Right now I am feeling like not writing any more… but I “should”.

I don’t know if everyone has such a word… but I doubt it.  When I hear it, I feel myself declining.  I can feel myself falling into the pit of failure.  I can not do what I “should” do.

Some things I can’t do for physical reasons.  My knees, back, shoulder, toes, thumb, and fingers make it hard, or painful to do many things.  I know I “should” do some things, or be able to do some things… but I can’t.  I try to treat my pains, and do what I can.  But it can be very frustrating having to deal with it everyday, all day long.

But most of the time when I “should” do something, and don’t, it’s because of mental issues – my brain is not my friend.  I can not explain this to someone who has never experienced it, but sometimes I simply can not get myself to do what I “should”.

Sometimes I try to avoid the word… sometimes I try to push myself to face it.  Neither works.  It’s a bad word.

Not a Good Day

There are good days and bad… today is a bad day.  I had nightmares all night, but still stayed in bed late this morning.  I would rather have the nightmares than get up and have to deal with the world.

We went out to IKEA yesterday, and it wore me out.  I had lots of pain, and was not able to deal with it.  I was not doing very well last evening, and it carried over into the night, and this morning.

I know I will feel better soon… but it is not now.  There are things to do, but my toes, back, and knee don’t want to get up at all.  I can’t do much walking without having these pains, and I am still trying to figure out the best combination of meds to treat it.

It drags me down mentally, and leaves me tired, and feeling like staying in bed.  Right now I wish I had stayed there.  There is not much more to say today…

And… My Back is Out

Fun happens at the wrong time sometimes.  My back is now out… don’t ask about where it went out too.  And I have no idea what I did to it.  But that’s the way it usually happens.

So now I can just relax, and not do anything to make it worse.  Or I can put on a Lidocaine patch to knock out the pain.  What do I do?  I would rather not use the meds if I can avoid it.

So I am going to sit in my chair and relax it away.  What should I do about dinner??