Tag Archives: ocd

That’s One Small Step For… Me

I have started looking for a new therapist.  My former psychologist has recommended a couple of people I am contacting today – LOTS of anxiety about this. 

But I think we can all agree, that I really need to get going again, and this is the way to go.

My last psychologist is no longer doing therapy.  I can understand that.  It must be very draining to conduct therapy.  I will be staying in touch though.

I do known she helped me put my life back together when I most needed it.  And she probably saved our marriage.  I remember the people who have helped me in my life.  This is a big one!

There will be more on this soon.

I Need to Give Up

I do not know what it feels like to be happy… or to even fully control my own thoughts.  I spend most of my waking hours just trying to keep my mind from flying apart.  I can’t even relax any more.  It is all lost.

And I do nothing.  I can not use the “free” time I have to accomplish anything.  I am lucky if I can even sleep…

I have tried everything I can think of, but my mental state continues to deteriorate.   This is not just because I do not have a psychologist anymore.  I can not even fit in in my own home.

My kitties need me… but that is my only reason for being.  I have no worth, and offer nothing to anyone.

And I do not know what to do.  My whole life has  come to nothing.

It’s the “O” in OCD!

Sometimes I see causes to stand up for… and I get a little obsessed with it.  I have to see it thru, and deal with all the little details of it.  I do not think I should give the consequences very much influence in deciding what to fight for.

I know I can get swallowed up in things for a short time.  Sometimes people see ulterior motives in my drive to push some cause… but I think it is the “O” in OCD driving much of what I do.  Or at least how hard I pursue it.

I am more Obsessive than Compulsive.  There are thoughts I have to think… they are called “rituals”.  On my way to get the mail, there is a little speech I have to say to myself… several times.  There are many of these.

The worst issue for me though is that once I have totally thought something out, if anyone raises an issue, or even asks a question, I have to rethink the whole thing.  As a scientist, I know how hard it is to truly know something.  But my OC thoughts drive me to rethink and rethink things well beyond the point of learning anything new.

It once took me 4 months to decide to change our phone plan – the cost was $7 a month.  But I had to be sure.  I am better now.  “Better” being a relative term.

Going over and over things sometimes pulls someone else into the picture – usually Lori – and they usually think what I am doing is crazy… or I must have some other goal in mind.

Nope… it is just one of my many mental disorders.  Anxiety pushes the buttons, and I keep thinking until well after things are over.  Hey… it’s what I do!  I get that people can find it overwhelming.  But I do it with almost everything!  Talk about overwhelming!!!  It can easily lead me into depression.

It is not my favorite thing.

OC, or Superstition?

Most of us think of a Superstition as those old rules we have heard – don’t walk under a ladder etc.  But people make there own superstitions.  For example: something bad happened to you when you were young, and you associate it what some unrelated outside event.  You break a bone, and had just eaten an apple… you might associate the apple with pain.  Apples become a reminder of great pain, and you start avoiding them.

This is a simplified example, but it happens to all of us.  OC behaviors are exaggerated because of incorrect chemistry in our brains.  The small superstition becomes an Obsession – you can not ignore it… because your brain will not let you.  The circuitry in you brain can not let go of it until it is resolved in a safe way.

For me, there are mental Rituals I have to go thru.  When I go get the mail, I have a whole little speech I repeat to myself about the US Postal Service – the fastest, cheapest, most efficient mail service in the World… and so on (don’t get me started… too late).  There are many, and used to be a lot more.  I can only set the volume on the stereo at an even number.

One bad one for me is that if I leave the house, and forget something, I can not go back to get it… I have to live without it.  Sometimes Lori can convince me to go back… mostly if she is driving.  But there have been times I went on without something rather important.

There are drugs that can help reduce the chemical imbalance, but they are over-prescribed because it’s the easy way out.  And they do help most people, but they often are not necessary.  See… there is another one for me – if I misspell a word, and spell checker underlines it, I have to fix it right away.  I can’t wait until I am done with the whole thing I am typing.  It has to be right the first time. 

That last one may have helped me some over the years.  In college, I wrote all my papers in one draft.  And I always got an A.  Everything had to be correct the first time.  And I rarely forget my wallet… I check for it often enough.  If you ask me if I have it, I will have to check.  Lori has done that to me when I was being an ass.

The real key to dealing with it though, is to figure out which behaviors or thoughts you can live with, and which you should extinguish.  The Postal Service speech does not hurt me, and actually makes it easier to go get the mail… so it stays.  But other things have had to go.  Particularly a speech I had while driving.

It can take time, and generally takes talking about it with someone, to figure out which is which.  Remember that your view is distorted, so often, only someone else can help identify which things need to go.  They all seem reasonable to you.

Sometimes learning to live with something can be harder than extinguishing it.  But that may be better over the long run.

I fight mine every day… every time I do most anything, there are internal pressures to do, or think, unnecessary things.  I am a lot better, but it is always there, affecting what I can and can not do.  It pisses me off, but all I can do is the best I can do!