Tag Archives: obsession

My Life’s Passion

As far back as I can remember, I have been Obsessed with efficiency.  Every movement is a test in efficiency.  How I do everything is carefully designed.  And there are so many outside intrusions – things I must think about.

This may be one of the reasons I like building scale models – there is an exactness to it that most hobbies do not have, (though some have more).  It is all about the detail.  It is impossible for me to do, or observe anything without thinking about how to make it better or more efficient.  Just ask Lori.

It is as fundamental a part of my life, as glass is to Dale Chihuly.  It is what my brain does best.  And it matters that it matter.

I design things in my mind… things I can make in my shop.  The design gets better and better – read that as fewer and simpler parts.  But I get to a Eureka point, where I know I am done.  Suddenly, I know the designing is the best I can make it… move on.  This is such a good feeling… it is like everything being perfect, all at once.

It can take a while to get there.  But the more freedom my mind feels, the more easily I reach that feeling.  It is a very good thing.

I am trying to change how I live, to make my life more conducive to that feeling.  Part of it is getting away from home, from time to time.  My hobbies are another big thing.  But whatever it is, getting to do those things, gives my mind the joy, and reassurance we all need.  Freedom of mind is very important.  It gives me Peace.

SOON:: Distractions of the Mind

I Can’t Even Explain it to Myself

I can not deal with complex social issues.  Well… not really even so complex.  When there are too many issues going around, I can not keep them all clear in my mind, anxiety grows, and there is a crashing sound in the back of my brain – figuratively.

I can plan only one thing at a time.  I can only have one trip out of home, in my thoughts.  If other events, or possibilities intrude, I can not go on.  Even if the events would be fun for me.  How fun something might be, has nothing to do with how my anxiety will grow.

Even a simple shopping trip will take all my thoughts and energies.  Adding one more place to go can bring down the entire house of cards.  No-one understands it… I do not understand it.  I know how it works… the affects it has… but the process is beyond my ability to comprehend.

My life has to remain simple.  There can not be too many things to figure out, or to do. 

My mind is not as strong as it once was.  I used to be able to think thru all sorts of issues, and problems.  My brain got tired.  Times change.  I am not what I used to be.  And I just can not hold social events in my mind… even the simple ones.

Oh I can still design complex things I can build.  I can do all the designing visually in my mind… and I sometimes come up with some very impressive ways to simplify something I want to make.  I can still visualize complex, multiple parts in my mind in 3D.  Wonderful, complex machines…

But when it comes to me, and my life… I get easily lost.  Even just going to Walgreen’s can fill my thoughts.  It will be all I can handle.