Tag Archives: mental

My Weekend

Friday was a mixed bad of emotions.  I started out feeling a lot of stress about figuring out what I could do for the weekend.  I wanted to go out, but had to figure out what I could actually get thru.

Late in the afternoon, I finally had it!  It felt really nice to have a doable plan.  And it would be fun too!

The problem was that I had so drained myself during the day, that I was a wreck by late evening.  That is when I crashed – 11pm Friday night.  I did not get up until 7am Sunday morning.  That was 32 hours of sleep – on and off.  Sunday I lasted only about 10 hours.

I did not eat very much all weekend either… but that does not bother me very much.

Now it is early Monday morning, and I do not know what to do.  I feel mentally drained, and I start the week pretty much empty.

These things happen.

A Log From the Edge… and Beyond

I do not know what will happen in my brain.  I think I will get better, but this Blog could record my decent into madness… not likely though.  So… not to worry…

I have been sleeping too much.  The bedroom is a sort of sanctuary for me.  It is easier to relax and let the day fade away.  But it means I am not spending much time up, and active.  I do not have much energy for it.

There are many times during the day when it is all I can do to stay awake – I want to sleep.  Everything has been getting harder, so I have to push myself more, and that uses up energy.  And the days get shorter.

I have not finally decided what to do about therapy – except that I need it.  My psychiatrist thinks I will need more meds too.  But I need to get my thoughts straightened out before we can be sure.  I only see her for meds, so I will need to find a new therapist… or try to go back to the old one.

Neither of those 2 thoughts hold much attraction. Contrary to what some people believe, my loss of my psychologist was mostly the result of a misunderstanding.  But it still hurt too much.  And maybe I should try someone else anyway.  But it is so hard to find the right person – especially now.  I know more about what works and doesn’t work for me, so I need the right person.

That search will create many new problems, and anxieties.  There will be plenty of opportunities for failure.  I may have to try more than one therapist.  I am not looking forward to that.

This is going to take months to work out, whatever I do.  The Fall is sort of set aside for it.  I can not really hope to do much else.

But I know I have to find a way to get going again, and start recovering my brain.  I can now also see that I will probably always need someone to help me sort thru things.  I think way too fast, and about too many things for my own good, and I need someone to slow me down, and keep me on track.

My friends will be there for me… though I am not good at asking for help.  Some things sound good, or fun, but just drain away too much energy.  So I pick the things I feel sure I can do, and work on them.  I am tired of letting people down, and cancelling at the last minute.  It is not fair to others.  So I tend to avoid plans with most anyone.

It does not help in the long run, but makes it easier to get thru the days.

A Shadow from the West has Fallen

A shadow has fallen over my thoughts, and my life.  This has been a bad year for me – though it started out with such promise.  I will not review it now… but since April things have slid steadily downhill.  Now I am about done in.

I have lived under a sort of oppression… from childhood on.  And it returned to my life last week, bringing me down into my pit of despair, and depression.  Sometimes one event can dredge up an entire history of abuse at the hand of someone who knows what’s right for everyone, and isn’t afraid to say it.

I lived in that shadow… it never quite goes away.  Even after years of being left alone, it can still drag me down.

Some people have to be superior.  And to prove they are, they have to prove others wrong.  They have to control the lives of those around them.  And they will never let you forget their dominion over you.  Never…

They have no empathy.  They feel no pity, for anything that does not belong in their world view.  They are the sole knowers of what, and who is right, and who is wrong.  And they will share their views.  Especially with people who are easy victims.  It is how they feel whole.

They are the ones who come along to rub salt in the wounds of others.  And they especially pick on those whom they perceive to be struggling with other issues.  So as I have had increasing problems in my life, it was bound to come back to haunt me.

I write about my struggles here.  I share what I am going thru.    So I make myself a target.  But I am too easy a target… I am no challenge for them.  I collapse before their hateful words.

“Hateful” is the only way to describe it.  It is not intended to inform, it is only intended to hurt – to put me in my place.

I surrender.  You win.  I can not stand up against you.  The depression swept away our anniversary weekend.  I was up only 15 hours all weekend, and ate nothing but a few chips.  You win. 

Now leave this broken soul alone, and never darken my door again.  Though I suspect you will.

And the shadow has returned.

I Started Out As A Child

There were 3 major influences on me as I grew up.  My parents, my various disorders, and my “domineering parent”.  I have written a lot about the second… not enough about the first.  And only hints about the third… until recently.

I am not sure how comfortable I am with this topic.  There is a person who exuded tremendous energy over my life.  Someone I was never as good as.  Someone who succeeded everywhere, because of intelligence, and a creative mind.  Someone who always told me how I was failing.  Someone who never let me forget that I had to try harder, and do different things, in order to be acceptable…

This person never experienced depression, or overwhelming anxiety, or true phobias.  As with most people.  They can not truly understand what life is like for those of us who do suffer from these, and many more, mental problems.  They tend to see us as people who are just not trying hard enough…

There are many people who think they have been depressed, or had a migraine, or such, that really have not.  A bad headache does not a migraine make!

They have no empathy for people with anything they have not personally experienced.  If they have not experienced it, then it does not exist.  People who have those problems just need to try harder.  They are like poor people to republicans.

I recently received this Comment about one of my Blogs::::

You never talk about your anger issues. So many of your social problems, including the loss of your therapist and friends and family, are the result of lashing out at people. You are an intelligent and talented person, but you have always had trouble controlling your temper. That goes back to childhood too. (And btw: As to being depressed when you were in middle school—who wasn’t.)      grammar not corrected.

Anyone who actually knows me, knows that this comment shows a vast lack of knowledge about me, and my life over the last 10 years.  It does not even make sense!

Lori tells me she was not depressed in middle school.  Lori makes a huge effort to understand my mental differences.  It is not always easy, but she always tries.  It can be very stressful for her to do it some times, but she always tries.  And that makes all the difference in the world.

BUT… my domineering parent will never let go of her narrow minded view of the world.  This person will always think –   “I have all the answers for anyone willing to listen.”

A few years back I stopped listening.  My life has been on an upward trajectory ever since then!!  I am finally out from under the oppression of someone who knows what’s best for me and everyone!

I know I have a long way to go.  And I write about my struggles here in my Blogs.  But struggles are okay, because that is what life is really about.  So even when I am at my lowest, I know I am better off than I ways… back then.

—- As a note, I will not post comments from this person.  They are intended to hurt me only, so they will end there.

I am Mentally Tired

Every day is a struggle.  I get that.  Not a problem.  But it wears me out.  I have to talk myself into simple things… like having dinner.  It all takes a lot of energy, and it drains my reserves.  But I know it helps in the long run.  I will feel better for having done things.

Today I am worn out.  I do not have any energy left.  I have been in bed most of the day… just resting, and letting my mind wonder.  I have not been trying to do things, or think about things.  It is nice.

There are things that need to be done, but I simply will not care much about that today.  I need to let myself be lazy, and relax some days.  I may have energy later… but probably not.  I do not see much chance of that.

Tomorrow is Monday – my normal mental day off.  I may still need that too.  And I do not care!

Anyone want to join me?

I Know it is My Fault

Not my mental disorders… they are not my fault.  But when I have conflict with someone, we may both actually be right, but it is my fault.  I understand that I am the one who is not able to follow social norms.

I have become hyper-sensitive to some things.  I usually manage it, but I can be caught off guard.  Then I make mistakes.  All the frustration, anxiety, discouragement, depression, and loneliness has to come out.  I hide… I unfriend people… I yell… I cry… and I sleep.

It is all the worst, because I know it is all my “fault”.

As a result of this and more, I have no friends, no real acquaintances, and no hope of changing that.  But, I have made it this far though!  There is always hope.

I am tired of being in a box, unable to communicate with the outside world.

Some People Do Not Like the ZERO Anxiety Me…

And I totally get this!!  People get used to a “me” that is subdued and does not stand up much.  Or people get used to some other me.  They want me to be a certain way.

But sometimes I want to feel free.  I want to have no anxiety.  I want to feel free of an anchor hanging on my brain all the time.  There are times when I can truly connect to my intellect.

At those times… I can invision and imagine mathematical concepts that lead me thru complex ideas to some kind of understanding.  There are times when I can see the way to a proof.  It may be a proof of a very small thing.  And it is rarely a vigorous proof.  But it feels good.

More commonly, I can see how simple analogies fold into rather complex problems.  Those analogies can lead to solutions.  They are almost certainly things other people have thought of.  But I feel some accomplishment by figuring them out for myself.  It makes me feel fabulous!!!

Those are good mental accomplishments.  And my thoughts usually go beyond the obvious.  I think of ways to relate to old topics in currently relevant realities.  Does it make my life better?  I do not know… but I KNOW it makes me feel better.

BUT… I can only do those things without anxiety.  I can only free my mind to wander, and explore, when I am free of anxiety.  It is an almost remarkable feeling… but I can not get there even with the lower anxiety I get from my meds.  I want to be free to explore my own thoughts.

For some people IQ matters… I have been asked for the last 30 years what my IQ is, and I have not said… well… 150-8.  OK?  But that is 30+ years old.  Does that make any difference?  And what is IQ anyway???

When I have NO anxiety, I feel the most wonderful freedom to let my mathematical brain go… I can think about very complex concepts in the comfort that nothing will intrude.  Because anxiety is all about intruding.

I can see objects in my mind… and rotate them… and I can imagine 4 dimensional objects.  I can not relate them in the same way… but I can see them.  I design furniture that I can make without a scrap of notes.

But… I am limited by anxiety.  Anxiety destroys my image, and reduces my abilities.  I am sure anyone who understands this kind of anxiety gets it.  If I want to be a real person, I have to find ways to be without anxiety.  Or I am dead.

So on the original question?  Some people prefer the subdued, unsure, and hiding me.  They do not like the me that is free of anxiety.

I Should Keep My Anger Inside

I have been going thru a mental breakdown these last 24 hours.  Events ran beyond my control, and I reacted out of confusion, and anger.  I made a public statement I now regret.  But it was all initiated outside of my control.

I spent much of today in bed… depressed.  But now I am empty, and people are angry at me.  Of course… no-one contacted me about this at all, so I did not immediately realize the impact.

It has left me drained, and feeling really bad about myself.  It also makes me realize there is no-one out there who would cross the street to piss on me if I were on fire.

I am sorry to sound angry, but I am.  It’s mostly a reaction to the initial event, and the realization that I am always more alone than I thought I was. 

My feelings are very confused right now… but I had to say something to someone.