Tag Archives: mental

Brain Overload…

The last couple of days has been trying. Tuesday I had a “mental evaluation” appointment in the morning that did not end well. I had a bit of a public melt-down in the lobby… standing there, shaking, and crying, trying to talk to an administrator (or whomever she was)… I could not control myself, and I finally had to leave. I do not actually know how the “evaluation” ended. Officially anyway.

I then had to run an errand taking me to Salem, and then, thru back-roads home, because northbound I-5 was backed up 5 miles! Things did not go much better the rest of the day… oh yes… and there was an election. I crashed out completely in the late afternoon.

Yesterday I was stunned… I felt blank. My brain seemed to be moving very slowly. I got up about 1am upon learning the results of the election. Even though I saw him as the nominee, and possible winner over a year ago, preparing myself for this result was still not enough.

Today… I don’t know.

I am slowly reaching out again. My meds were cut in half back in April, and not restored until September. I am feel much better now. The psychologist Tuesday asked me how many anxiety attacks I have… I said, “So far this hour? 5.” Three or four per hour is about average… and that’s with all my meds. The session went sideways when she also suggested she might recommend reducing my meds unless… Well… let’s just say an out-of-left-field demand that really has nothing to do with my mental issues.

So again, I am going to have to talk with my regular Dr. and make sure he ignores that part of my “evaluation”. We can’t go thru the reduced meds again. It makes both our lives much worse.

I no longer have any confidence in doctors. They always put policy, and their own needs ahead of the patient. At least that has been my experience when it comes to mental health issues.

Socializing is almost impossible. My brain does not interpret people’s emotions properly. I can not recognize things as “neutral”. Even an “ok” will be interpreted as a potential threat, trigger a fight-or-flight response, and send my anxiety shooting up. That’s when I make mistakes. Whereas, my reaction may be appropriate if someone really was threatening me, it’s not so good if they meant nothing at all.

Unfortunately, “no response” does the same thing. When people don’t respond, my brain goes thru the same process. My mind runs thru all sorts of threatening scenarios. You would not believe some for the thots I have. But I can not control them, because I have to respond to the threat… right?

Then I end up alone again. I have been doing it most of my life… with absolutely no way I could ever recognize what was actually happening. Even today, I only learn of my mistakes when Lori explains them to me. Even then… I accept what she is saying even though it does not seem true. I know I would still react the same way under the same circumstances. I would still make the same mistakes.

And I will always make the same mistakes… so everyone is better off with me hiding here in my office.

What is that Bright Orb Up in the Sky?

Could it be the Sun?

90 degrees in Oregon… in June??

I write in spurts.  There will be several Blogs in a row… and then a break.  I do not always know why that is happening.  It’s not a bad thing… just odd.

I will be seeing a new psychologist next month.  I sent her the URL for this Blog, and she said she thought we could work together.  Shouldn’t it have scared her off?  I mean… she is a professional.  I am glad I have a little time to let it really soak in, and to get ready.

I do not have a lot to say now… so…

As Time Crawls Along

The passage of time is not always predictable.

“The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”  –  Albert Einstein

For me, time seems to go so very slowly most of the time.  Depression makes time slip by so very slowly.  But that is not even the worst of it…

Because of my home life, most mistakes, or misunderstandings, cost me at least a week.  Since I am home by myself all the work week, there are times when I can only get some things done on the weekend.  Missing an opportunity easily pushes “plans” back a week or more.  And usually I have little control over it… so almost every week I push back my plans… my hope.

Sometimes whole months slip by without any real progress in my life.  I am getting household things done… trying to keep up.  But my personal life just sits.  And there is no-one who will help me make it better.  I am not trusted… and my needs are not a priority.  But even that is my own fault…

See… if you struggle all your life, without knowing what is ripping your thoughts, and emotions apart, it is hard to become trusted.  And even when you find out what the truth is, and work towards building some kind of life, that trust does not come back… ever.

I have only myself to blame, and only myself to look to for answers.  It is a mind-numbingly slow process.  Often it does not even seem worth it.    And much of the time, I wish I could stop caring.

I am not the only one with this experience.  There are far too many of us.  But there are far more people out there who do not understand, and do not actually believe in our internal problems.  Just get up and take care of your responsibility… just go out… just…  they all mean, “Just try harder” by other words.

People who treat us like that, have NO concept of trying harder.  They have NO understanding of what trying is really like.  They are not trying to overcome their own mind.  Life must be nice…

My Seat-mate in Driver’s Ed.

When I was a sophomore in High School, I took Driver’s Ed.  almost everyone did.  We had those classroom tables that had 2 chairs.  So Mark and I sat together.  It was the beginning of 2nd semester.  And one weekend, early on in the semester, Mark, and 2 students from a neighboring high school were killed in an auto accident.  They hit black-ice while speeding.  They had not been drinking.

He was my friend. 

And suddenly I was back in Drivers Ed. on Monday morning… and there I am sitting by myself at our table.  It made me feel horrible – like I was completely alone in the world.  Then… the teacher announced that to “honor” Mark, his seat would stay empty the rest of the year.  And there I sat.

I know what it means to lose someone close to us, way too young.  The big problem is that all together too many of us have that experience.  And we never learn how to deal with it.  We get better.  But it will happen again, and if you have a good soul, it will hurt you just as much.  That is what it means to be human.

And… there is NO “too young”.

For me, this was made much worse.  For the rest of the year, I sat by myself… front, center table.  No-one wanted to talk to me.  Mark was MY friend.  What do you mean YOU will honor him?  You barely knew his name…  thanks Mr. S.

I live in a Different Place… and People Just Roll Their Eyes

How the world affects me is different than how it affects most people.  This is especially true in personal relationships.  Those of us with manageable mental illnesses, all know what it is to deal with “normal” people.  They will not understand… we have to learn to “respond” to them as they would expect.  It is not our true nature… but it is an acceptable response.  And if we do not learn this well… we end of failing – on the streets, or in the jails.  We fall thru the cracks.

I could very easily see myself as a homeless person.  I have even thought that it would be a much simpler life.  There would be so much less noise.  But it is a solution to nothing.

As we get closer to people, we have to slowly unroll the internal turmoil that is us.  We have spent our entire lives learning to fit into their world, and now we have to ask someone into ours.  When we get close to some-one, we need for them to learn how to live in our world – or at least to understand what it is like.  Lori has done that… but there are so many others…

I spent 20 years learning to fit in before I began my professional life.  I learned how to hide my internal struggle so well that I would forget about it at times… I would go on autopilot, and not even recognize my own feelings.  I have no doubts, that others noticed the odd little things from time to time.  Even my mother saw it.

But there was never enough to open the door.

Doing Well vs. Having Energy

Today I have done well.

I did not have much energy at all.

But overall, this is a good thing.  At least in the mental illness category.  I felt better, and did not have to work as hard to keep going.  I didn’t accomplish much at all… I had so little energy to work with.

What I have learned, is that I have not simplified my life enough.  So far… not nearly close.  There is still too much input, for my ability to manage it.  I use the word “manage” specifically, because that is what I have to do.  And the more complex my day becomes, there is less I have left for actual real world activities. <—see how I avoided the word “things”?

I need a smaller world.

I need more people within my smaller envelop.

But I have so many other things to deal with, that I can not overcome them enough to have the energy to do what I wish for.  An impartial observer might wonder why this would be any real problem at all – just do it.  Things look pretty good when you are on the outside. 

All those ideas belong in the world of the “normal”.  I am not normal.  Ask anyone.  Seriously.  Ask anyone.

So if I am not normal, why would people treat me as if I am… and why would I be subject the the same concepts about what is an acceptable amount anxiety?  Is it fair to judge me, or treat me, as if I am “normal”, when you would have a hard time finding people who know me who would say I am? And there are millions of other “me”s out there.

We hide so well, even our spouses have a hard time finding us.  We learn from a very early age to never let the world see how we really feel, and what we really think.  And never talk about what goes thru your mind.  The World is a place to be hidden from.

Trying to Hang On

Most of my life, I have been near the edge of insanity.  The struggles in my mind take me so very close to a complete collapse that it overwhelms my thoughts.  And things get worse sometimes.

The last few months has been a rough time, and I have not been able to hold up very well.  I have been off and on Facebook several times.  My mind has descended into darkness regularly.  There are thoughts there that I can not express here.  I know what the raged edge looks like.

Today is a particularly difficult day.  I am shaking inside, and on the verge of screaming.  I am lost.  I have to start over, and I barely have the energy to keep going.

I do not expect others to see what is going on in my internal fights.  I retreat into myself, and into my office, or bed to sleep.  I have been sleeping about 14 hours a day just to relieve the pain.  Nothing holds much interest to me, so there is nothing “fun” to do.

The struggle goes on.

I can not just make this go away.  All I can do is try to ease the stress, and keep going.  But “keep going” is a very painful way to live.  It leaves me totally alone… trying to exist in my own mind.  I have to live inside my mind all day, every day.  There is not escape.  And there has not been enough rest recently.

It is difficult to stay sane.  Struggle is my constant companion.  There is never real rest from it.

And I can not be around people… I can not hold my mind together, still get thru the things I have to do, and be social at the same time.

I fail.

Watching the Minute Hand Move

I do not know what to do now…

I will not be going back into therapy right away as I had hoped.  I will need some time to establish my footing again.  Then I will start looking for some alternative.  And my path is not as obvious as it would seem.

But my confidence is fading.  How am I supposed to trust a system where I can be dropped after 8 years of therapy, and then be ignored.  It does not seem very professional to me.  But it is not up to me I suppose..

If I have to start therapy over from the beginning, with someone new, it will hard for me to build confidence.  And there will be a lot for anyone new to learn before we can really get anywhere.  And why should I trust anyone anyway??

Unfortunately, I do not have much of a choice.  I can not continue the way I have the last few months.  In the next few weeks, I will have to make some difficult decisions.  Things that will affect the rest of my life.  I need to do the right thing.

And… I do not even know how long to wait for a response to my email.  Three days seems like enough time for her to have replied.  I suppose I could still hear, but I am not sure how to react.  The delays in hearing back, and the difficulty of making appointments was the main reason I stopped going in the first place.

Her Web Site says she is not currently taking therapy patients.  So I guess my answer is there.  Maybe that is my answer.

ADDITIONAL: I will remain patient as I can. Smile 

I Do Not Know What to Write

Tuesday morning, I emailed my former psychologist.  I have to get back into therapy – it has been 6 months.  Things have been going downhill too much recently.

Now on Friday, I am feeling very low.  I am still waiting to hear.  Yes I am sure I sent it to the correct address.

I do not know what to write while I am waiting, but I think I have waited long enough to be fully worried about this.  I have no idea what I will do now.

A Thousand Clowns

That is one of my favorite movies, but it connects here too.

Most of the time, there are dozens, if not hundreds of thoughts that want my attention.  The problem is that I can not turn them off.  I am not hearing voices or anything… but when my anxiety is bad, it is as if there are things I must think about swamping my thoughts.  I can not control my own thinking.

It can take a great effort to stay focused, and not let any of the other thoughts take over.  The thoughts themselves are often reasons why I should not do something.  I get over-run by them.  It can be a huge stopper!

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I crash out, and that is the end of my day.  And sometimes I just get tired of trying so hard, and I give up.  I can use my meds to calm my mind.

The better solution is to be able to simply ignore them.  No, I am thinking about this right now thank you.  Some times I can’t do it.

Sometimes this all works to my advantage.  When I have wanted to design something, or a better design, that swamping feeling is almost like a system for sifting.  I will see something radically different, that amazes me.  Recently that happened with the design of a way of hanging models.  I simplified it from about 6-8 hours to make, to about 30 minutes.

Anyway… I digress…

Usually it feels so overwhelming that I have to either medicate, or shut down.  I do not like that choice.  I would say I go about 50/50 on what I do.  On the weekends, I make a much greater effort to just keep going – Lori is home, and I want to spend time with her.  It does not often work though.

And then tomorrow I go thru it all over again.  And my brain will feel like a small car full of a thousand clowns.

To Go Hermit, or Not to Go Hermit? That is the Question…

There is a horrible argument raging in my thoughts.  My mind is locked in a battle for which I have already determined the outcome.  At least the outcome I prefer.

The question:  Therapy, or giving up.

Therapy is simple… everyone understands what I mean.  Giving up?  It does not mean I would go anywhere, but I would give up on the outside world.  I do not know completely what this would mean… just that I would eliminate most of my more difficult problems.

Now… I am intellectually sure therapy is the right way to go.  It has helped a lot in the past.  But I have great fears this time.  There are things that could go very wrong even before I get started.  So it is an imposing obstacle.

The alternative would be to shut down… essentially.  I would pull myself back into my cave, and disappear.  I do not know how this would work.  Or if it would work.

In reality, the answer is pretty obvious – therapy.  There is no real argument.  But my mind will not stop thinking about it.  I have to figure out the details… all of the details.   Even if the do not matter.  I can not stop the process mid-run.  So my mind goes on… and on… and on…

There are some good distractions – like writing this.  But distractions take effort.  And I run out of energy as the day goes on.  It gets harder and harder to fight the battle.  Then I crash out, and go to bed.

But the argument goes on.

Start With a Good Foundation

The first thing I need to do, is build a foundation.  It is very difficult to reach out when I can barely make it thru the week.  So my current effort is to get my environment more restful, and to start to feel better about being here at home.  I need to be able to relax more.  I need to use my energies more effectively.

Going out of town was a strange way to start that, but it did help.  I came home from Newport with more optimism, and hope.  Now I am trying to put that optimism to work, to help me here… where I live.

The idea is that I am wasting too much energy dealing with things around here to have the energy to go out – even for therapy. 

My office is very nice, but remains unfinished.  It is very close, but figuring out these last details is very draining.  And my efforts seem to go for nothing.  It is getting better.  I have been able to make a couple of moves this week, that will help.  It is important for me to keep moving.

There are obstacles… but I have seen them all before, and I need to slip by them and get some small things done.  I can do that!  It takes a lot of effort, but I can do some of the simpler things, and start to decrease how much effort those things will take. 

Just today (Saturday) I got some good little things done to help out in my office.  So I have had a good day!  I have done more than I would have expected.  Nice… Smile

Success decreases resistance.

I have to be careful to plan things out (way too much), to try to avoid wasting effort.  But the foundation I need is within my grasp.  Once my comfort level is up, it will be easier to take more chances.  Then I can get back into therapy, and more progress will be forthcoming.

Who Actually Believes?

Some people look at what I am able to do, and say I have done well.  Some say I have not, and it is all about my being lazy – I need to try harder, or push more.  And I am hoping most people are somewhere between.

Telling me to push myself more has no meaning.  There is no less.  If I did not push as much as I do, then I would not have survived.  That would have been the end of me.  So how much more can I try?

I know this is a very difficult thing to understand.  Most people have never experienced these kinds of internal horrors.  They are too far outside the norm.  And in my case, I was able to do many more things in the past, so why can’t I do them now?  It does not really make much sense… even to me.

It took a long time to come to recognize the reality of my mental state.  I no longer have the energy to fight as hard as I used to.  The things I used to be able to do, are in the past.  It is hard for me to think about all those things I used to do… but I have to move on.  I need to deal with the present.

So… try to understand.  And if you can not, then try to at least allow for the possibility it is something beyond your abilities to understand.