Tag Archives: meds

The Knights Who Say Ni’

I am a Knight who says Ni’.

My primary battle cry is “Run Away!’

When things go badly with people, I run away. I get out… and try to disappear. I vanish… as best I can. Fear makes us do funny things sometimes. A lot actually. I have no idea what people think of this, but my impression has always been that people were glad to see me go. I was not wanted there anyway. That is what I believe.

This is a feeling that sweeps over me. My hands shake. My brain races, looking for a way out. Panic. Panic can make us do irrational things… especially when I tend to do “irrational” things anyway. What do people think?

I even want to run away from my home. There are times when I must run, and my office is not far enough. I think I need to live by myself. I am not good around people. I do not trust my interpretations of what people are thinking or feeling. My psychologist said I was hyperempathetic. It seems to cause rapid imagination.

No matter what happens, I gradually hide more and more. I have been trying to get better… to reach out more. But every time I try, I mess it up somehow, and have to hide again. I do not understand people!

Brain Overload…

The last couple of days has been trying. Tuesday I had a “mental evaluation” appointment in the morning that did not end well. I had a bit of a public melt-down in the lobby… standing there, shaking, and crying, trying to talk to an administrator (or whomever she was)… I could not control myself, and I finally had to leave. I do not actually know how the “evaluation” ended. Officially anyway.

I then had to run an errand taking me to Salem, and then, thru back-roads home, because northbound I-5 was backed up 5 miles! Things did not go much better the rest of the day… oh yes… and there was an election. I crashed out completely in the late afternoon.

Yesterday I was stunned… I felt blank. My brain seemed to be moving very slowly. I got up about 1am upon learning the results of the election. Even though I saw him as the nominee, and possible winner over a year ago, preparing myself for this result was still not enough.

Today… I don’t know.

I am slowly reaching out again. My meds were cut in half back in April, and not restored until September. I am feel much better now. The psychologist Tuesday asked me how many anxiety attacks I have… I said, “So far this hour? 5.” Three or four per hour is about average… and that’s with all my meds. The session went sideways when she also suggested she might recommend reducing my meds unless… Well… let’s just say an out-of-left-field demand that really has nothing to do with my mental issues.

So again, I am going to have to talk with my regular Dr. and make sure he ignores that part of my “evaluation”. We can’t go thru the reduced meds again. It makes both our lives much worse.

I no longer have any confidence in doctors. They always put policy, and their own needs ahead of the patient. At least that has been my experience when it comes to mental health issues.

Socializing is almost impossible. My brain does not interpret people’s emotions properly. I can not recognize things as “neutral”. Even an “ok” will be interpreted as a potential threat, trigger a fight-or-flight response, and send my anxiety shooting up. That’s when I make mistakes. Whereas, my reaction may be appropriate if someone really was threatening me, it’s not so good if they meant nothing at all.

Unfortunately, “no response” does the same thing. When people don’t respond, my brain goes thru the same process. My mind runs thru all sorts of threatening scenarios. You would not believe some for the thots I have. But I can not control them, because I have to respond to the threat… right?

Then I end up alone again. I have been doing it most of my life… with absolutely no way I could ever recognize what was actually happening. Even today, I only learn of my mistakes when Lori explains them to me. Even then… I accept what she is saying even though it does not seem true. I know I would still react the same way under the same circumstances. I would still make the same mistakes.

And I will always make the same mistakes… so everyone is better off with me hiding here in my office.

Sometimes Meds Help… For Some People

I use medications to help me feel better.  I have been lucky in that I have generally had good results… but not always.  I had real problems with one med I tried a couple of years ago.  Now my meds help a lot – more than I can even know.

Not everyone has been so fortunate.  Some have bad experiences with their meds… some to the point of going off them entirely.  And it may be nothing would help… everyone has different chemistry.

But with meds, or without… life is still a struggle.  Our normal brain chemistry changes throughout the day… meds don’t.  So they do not help as much with the ups and downs of everyday life.  There are times when I am not even sure the meds work.  The ups and downs are not self-correcting, I am on my own.

However we work our way thru the days, there are still those ups and downs to deal with.  We have to be constantly aware of our own moods, and how our environment can cause change so quickly.  One minute we feel fine, the next we are sliding into a deep depression.  It just happens.

I understand. I share the pain.

To React, or not to React…

I over-react to things emotionally… I always have.

My brain tells me I am reacting perfectly normally, but there seems to be a problem with my Amygdala.  I do not have as much control as most people do.  And it all comes out too often.  Usually that happens when I am alone, and great sadness sweeps over me.

There are also indications problems with the amygdala may case anxiety problems… hmmm…

I have had problems with my emotions all my life… I was always known for being emotionally outgoing.  I was known for hugging people, and telling people how I felt.  But I also got upset easily, and fell into depression.  I have had depressive periods since my early teens, but they really started hitting me in college.

The anxiety was there even earlier, but that is another Blog…

My psychiatrist and I have talked about this extensively.  There is not a lot I can do about it with meds, other than tranquilizers… I have tried some prescriptions in the past.  They either do not help, or they tranquil everything out of me.  I can not live like that.

I spend much of my time trying to control how I feel… it is very tiring.  But I can usually do a pretty good job.  There are times when I just can not do it.  And that pushes people away, and makes them wary.

Emotions burst out, uncontrollably.  I say and do things I should not.  Before my anxiety meds, I even became violent at times.  I am doing a much better job of managing my anxiety now.

There are also very few people I can talk to… that know me well enough.  My emotional problems have made it impossible for people to be my friend.  I am alone.  So things build up inside.  And it all gets a bit more complicated.

I over-react.  But that does not mean my reaction is wrong, it is just way overdone.  There may still be truth behind it.

In the Age of New Things

Well… the whole new meds thing seems to be… not an option.  We are tweaking the time of day I take things, to soften up the edges, but I am going to have to do all this on my own.

I am up to it!

This is not what I was hoping for, but nothing is worse today than it was Wednesday.  So I just need to keep going along as I have been – things have been improving.  There is more to learn about how my liver works, and that may give some new clues as to what might help.  If my 2D6 is too “robust”, I may be able to take even more of one med… but that will have to be seen later.

I have a name of a new psychologist, that my psychiatrist has recommended as a good match for me.  I have emailed her to see if she is taking new patients.  That will help too.

There are always new options, and all I can really do, is keep trying.  It does get tiring, and discouraging, but what else can I do?

Have a good weekend all! Smile

Session Yesterday with My Psychiatrist

After going to the Dentist yesterday morning, I went to see my psychiatrist.  Mostly we talked about my meds – I am still struggling too much of the time.

I am adjusting the timing of one of my meds for a couple of weeks to see if that helps.  After that we may alter the form of my med – I could try the Extended Release version.  Then things get more complex.

There is a new kind of Liver test that shows how your liver deals with different kinds of chemicals.  The test shows the efficiency of 6 different pathways thru the liver, that can determine how some drugs are metabolized.

Primarily, the 2D6, and 2C19 pathways are most involved in metabolizing psychoactive meds.  My 2D6 may be too efficient.  That would explain why I need twice the maximum recommended dose of one med, and why that is not enough.  My liver may be eliminating it before it can do its job.

If may also show why Vicodin did not work very well for me.

The down side… the test is about $1000, and it is classified as “Experimental”.  So insurance will not cover it… but I may have no other way to go.  I can’t just keep trying me meds, and combinations.

Things Just Do What They Want

I should be doing better.  I should be feeling better.

Things are going better at home – I am getting more done.  I am having more success completing things.  But I am not feeling much more energy.  I am still tending to crash out after about 12 hours being up.

Things should be better.

Why am I not feeling it yet?  Things are going along well enough, but I can’t pull it all together.  Is it just a matter of time?  Or is it time to take another look at my meds?  I will be seeing my psychiatrist next month, and we will have to take about this.  So far we have been waiting for my home life to fall into place… I think I am there.  SO it may be time to revisit my meds…

Or maybe I still have farther to go… but I am tired of all the constant effort.  I spend way too much time trying to relax, and lower my anxiety.  It all ends in the early evening, when I have to figure out dinner (or not), and I just can’t do any more.  So I go to bed – sometimes I read for a while… sometimes not.

I know I am better.  Maybe I just need more time to really feel it.

For Lack of a Nail…

There is so little joy in this life.  There is the struggle over whether it is even worth the effort.  I have lived my whole life looking forward to the day when things would finally start to be easier… and more fun.  It is always just out of reach.

One day, I will either make it, or finally come to realize there is no hope.  Someday, the effort will exceed the potential reward.  It already feels that way some of the time.

Life becomes hopeless. 

But I keep moving “forward”.  I keep trying.  I know going forward is my only hope.  So I can push thru the days, and seek out the little joys I find.  Look around – there are good things in every moment.  Find them.

I have my kitties… and my hobbies… and the weekends.  There is a constant flow of good things it see, and feel. The “nail” is everywhere, if I look for it.  And that is where I can start to build.  The dark days pass, and there is always light.

Never give up for lack of a nail.

The Low Point of the Day… Chemistry Attacks

Every day, there is a low point.  There is a time when I still could do some things, but I have already failed to do much of anything.  Often around 3-5pm, I will start to crash.  The day seems lost.

I can never know how it will all work out.  Usually I fight my way thru it… I know it will pass.  Sometimes I pull things together, and actually do something.  And there are times when I just go to bed.  Sound familiar?

Espresso helps me get thru it sometimes.  My psychiatrist and I have discussed how my body chemistry may be changing during the day.  The espresso may be convincing my brain that I am feeling better than I am.  There are so many changes going in our bodies that we do not understand.  Chemistry in the brain changes chemistry in the body.

One med I use to fight anxiety, can lower my anxiety very quickly.  At times my brain may be interpreting it as if I am getting depressed, and I start to feel low.  Not depressed, but sort of like I know it’s coming.  Espresso can help here too.  I think the caffeine fools my brain into thinking I am okay.

I am not saying caffeine is the answer.  But it is part of my arsenal of ways to fight back.  Like I have said, it is a constant struggle.  I have to trick my brain into feeling reality.

So it is possible my brain misinterprets these changes in my body chemistry.  And here it may be that caffeine it convincing my brain that I am better.  These kinds of changes can cause depression.  And in some people they can cause euphoria.  We do not know much about this part of how the human body works.  It is still a mystery to all humankind.

And the Meds Keep Coming…

I saw my psychiatrist Monday– she just takes care of my meds.  I have to go every now and then to update my prescriptions.  Right now I feel like they are about right.  I still have too much anxiety at times… but I can usually handle it.

My “anti”-depression meds are still working pretty well – I have a couple of depressive episodes every week, but they usually last less than a day.  Before this, they last days, or even weeks.  So I am back to mostly having to manage anxiety.  And I have go much better at that.

There were other issues to cover.  I will be talking with her about finding a new psychologist in April… so that will help.  She likes my plan of trying to stabilize my home life for a while – as long as there is progress.  So that helps too.

There were other places to go, and things to deal with Monday.  Then yesterday I had someone in the house to install some “things”.  So I have been pretty well drained.  But today I can try to relax, and get my thoughts together again.

When trying to manage anxiety, the question always arises – “why bother?”  I can hide from most causes of anxiety.  I can shut myself away, and usually feel better.  And it’s not like a have to put any effort into being around people… who would they be anyway?

See… too many thoughts for right now…

Things are a lot more like they used to be, than they are today…

Yea… I don’t know either.

I have not been Blogging because I have got as far as I can.  I am at a point, where they next thing I need to do in my life, is beyond my reach at this point.  So I am waiting.

Things have been up and down – mostly down.  But at least I know where I am!  So that is better than a couple of months ago.

Also I have lost my last social contact – facebook.  So I no longer have a place to reach out… or look for help.

But most of my life has been like that.  All my fault… I know.

Trying to Hang On

Most of my life, I have been near the edge of insanity.  The struggles in my mind take me so very close to a complete collapse that it overwhelms my thoughts.  And things get worse sometimes.

The last few months has been a rough time, and I have not been able to hold up very well.  I have been off and on Facebook several times.  My mind has descended into darkness regularly.  There are thoughts there that I can not express here.  I know what the raged edge looks like.

Today is a particularly difficult day.  I am shaking inside, and on the verge of screaming.  I am lost.  I have to start over, and I barely have the energy to keep going.

I do not expect others to see what is going on in my internal fights.  I retreat into myself, and into my office, or bed to sleep.  I have been sleeping about 14 hours a day just to relieve the pain.  Nothing holds much interest to me, so there is nothing “fun” to do.

The struggle goes on.

I can not just make this go away.  All I can do is try to ease the stress, and keep going.  But “keep going” is a very painful way to live.  It leaves me totally alone… trying to exist in my own mind.  I have to live inside my mind all day, every day.  There is not escape.  And there has not been enough rest recently.

It is difficult to stay sane.  Struggle is my constant companion.  There is never real rest from it.

And I can not be around people… I can not hold my mind together, still get thru the things I have to do, and be social at the same time.

I fail.

Watching the Minute Hand Move

I do not know what to do now…

I will not be going back into therapy right away as I had hoped.  I will need some time to establish my footing again.  Then I will start looking for some alternative.  And my path is not as obvious as it would seem.

But my confidence is fading.  How am I supposed to trust a system where I can be dropped after 8 years of therapy, and then be ignored.  It does not seem very professional to me.  But it is not up to me I suppose..

If I have to start therapy over from the beginning, with someone new, it will hard for me to build confidence.  And there will be a lot for anyone new to learn before we can really get anywhere.  And why should I trust anyone anyway??

Unfortunately, I do not have much of a choice.  I can not continue the way I have the last few months.  In the next few weeks, I will have to make some difficult decisions.  Things that will affect the rest of my life.  I need to do the right thing.

And… I do not even know how long to wait for a response to my email.  Three days seems like enough time for her to have replied.  I suppose I could still hear, but I am not sure how to react.  The delays in hearing back, and the difficulty of making appointments was the main reason I stopped going in the first place.

Her Web Site says she is not currently taking therapy patients.  So I guess my answer is there.  Maybe that is my answer.

ADDITIONAL: I will remain patient as I can. Smile 

I Do Not Know What to Write

Tuesday morning, I emailed my former psychologist.  I have to get back into therapy – it has been 6 months.  Things have been going downhill too much recently.

Now on Friday, I am feeling very low.  I am still waiting to hear.  Yes I am sure I sent it to the correct address.

I do not know what to write while I am waiting, but I think I have waited long enough to be fully worried about this.  I have no idea what I will do now.

A Thousand Clowns

That is one of my favorite movies, but it connects here too.

Most of the time, there are dozens, if not hundreds of thoughts that want my attention.  The problem is that I can not turn them off.  I am not hearing voices or anything… but when my anxiety is bad, it is as if there are things I must think about swamping my thoughts.  I can not control my own thinking.

It can take a great effort to stay focused, and not let any of the other thoughts take over.  The thoughts themselves are often reasons why I should not do something.  I get over-run by them.  It can be a huge stopper!

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I crash out, and that is the end of my day.  And sometimes I just get tired of trying so hard, and I give up.  I can use my meds to calm my mind.

The better solution is to be able to simply ignore them.  No, I am thinking about this right now thank you.  Some times I can’t do it.

Sometimes this all works to my advantage.  When I have wanted to design something, or a better design, that swamping feeling is almost like a system for sifting.  I will see something radically different, that amazes me.  Recently that happened with the design of a way of hanging models.  I simplified it from about 6-8 hours to make, to about 30 minutes.

Anyway… I digress…

Usually it feels so overwhelming that I have to either medicate, or shut down.  I do not like that choice.  I would say I go about 50/50 on what I do.  On the weekends, I make a much greater effort to just keep going – Lori is home, and I want to spend time with her.  It does not often work though.

And then tomorrow I go thru it all over again.  And my brain will feel like a small car full of a thousand clowns.