Tag Archives: loneliness

Non-Traveling Guy

My travel has gradually diminished to nothing. There is no-one to encourage me to go. I am on my own in figuring out how to work past my fears… phobias. Even remaining people close, have given up trying. I will not be trying.

Putting effort into travel is virtually guaranteed to be lost effort. And one more failure. I can’t do much by myself. I will only put energy into things here at home.

That has been the de-facto situation for a couple of years at least. But has been recently confirmed. I need to move on.

I Get NO Encouragement

I get ZERO encouragement… at home or anywhere.

Lori thinks people have to encourage themselves, be self-motivating. She believes that if I truly want to do something, I can just do it. 25 years we have been together, and it has not changed much. She thinks she is encouraging, but when I try to explain that she is not, and what she could do and say, she just wants to argue that she IS being encouraging.

DEF: If people are NOT encouraged, you are NOT encouraging.

I was a teacher. DEF: If the students are not learning, you are not teaching.

She can’t get that. She thinks the things she does are encouraging… they are to her, so they should be to everyone. But she will also say people DO NOT NEED external encouragement. She will not acknowledge that she gets encouragement all day at work… from her friends… from coworkers… the list goes on and on. But she seems to think none of that actually makes a difference. She has always done things thru her own motivation. It is simple for her.

Btw: She is a regional executive for a very large retailer. She is uber-successful. Everything she touches turns to gold. Master’s Degree. You name it. She has many friends, and travels with them to Vegas – I stay home. I see no encouragement for me to travel.

ANYWAY… enough of that. The point is, I am totally alone in my fight thru life. I have to be completely self-motivated. I have no friends, or family. There is no-one going to try to help me. I have to figure out every step myself. There will be no help accomplishing anything.

But… how is that any different than my entire life? I have never been happy in life.

This life has definitely not been worth the effort. Going on 20 more years like this… the thot makes me cry. And no-one cares.

 

And trump is a moron.  I do not mean to be insulting morons by lumping trump in with them,  sorry.

Cut Your Losses and Run for Cover

That is what I do.  When I start to see things going wrong, it’s time to give up, back down, and walk away.  It is better than getting beat up too often.

If you don’t want anything, then you can never be disappointed.  I try to not want anything.  It does not really work, so I end up hurt anyway.  But when I can no longer stand up for myself, discretion triumphs.  It also has the benefit of letting everyone else off the hook…  And let’s face it, things never work out anyway.

Coming Unglued

Sometimes things happen that cause my mind to become unglued.  This usually results in a quick trip to bed to hide under the covers – literally.    There it can take hours to relax enough just to be able to think again.  More hours are needed to recover.

And then there are times… when everything I know seems to be flying away from me.  Suddenly my entire live is fading, and there is nothing I can do to save myself.  All is lost.  I may just sit on the floor, and cry.  My mind goes into a very dark place.

At such times, I had an occasional habit of reaching out… groping for help.  On Facebook I would cry out, pleading for someone to bring me back down to the ground.  Ranting…  Repeated posts would go unanswered…

Sometimes someone would jump in to try to help.  And it did help when I was able to follow thru with contacting them.  But mostly I was met with silence.  The most aggravating thing for me was when people would contact Lori to find out if she was okay… if she was okay.

That was like the little twist of the dagger in my chest.

She has friends… I do not.  Though!!!  A special thank you to the 3 people who have reached out to me over the last few years.  One I was never able to get back to.  I lost his name in deleted Facebook posts.  Now my Facebook account is deleted!  Deleted… not just closed.  I needed to make it go away.

It will help.  Now there is no place for me to reach out… and Lori will not have to tell people that she is okay.