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Let Sleeping Cats Lie
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Tag Archives: home
Finding Ways to the Center
I am feeling better today. I am more rested, and my brain is helping out more. There is still a lot of anxiety hanging around, but there are definite signs of improvement.
Last night was full of nightmares like the night before… though they were not as bad. And I am doing better this morning too. Things will be fine.
There are times when I just can not keep up the fight. The last few days have been one of those times. It happens. Usually it is a good sign actually… it means my brain is feeling safe enough to stop pushing so hard. Or… it means I have completely collapsed. This time, I can tell from feeling better, it’s the better kind.
Does that make sense?
There are times when I am feeling pretty good, that I can have more anxiety spikes. My defenses take a lot of effort… not needing them can let anxiety slip thru. BUT… depression is rarely involved at those times. I can recover and be just fine. There are parts of my brain that just want to relax, and turn off. It does help.
It can look bad to someone else… but the anxiety passes quickly, and things really are good. It’s all part of the process. Anxiety is always in the shadows… no matter how well things are going. I have to go along with the flow, or things will start to get worse… nobody wants that!!
Oh the picture? That is the HMS Hood. It has nothing to do with the post.
Managing My Emotions
I do not control how strongly I feel my emotions.
I stay home, and hide.
It is mostly an effort to keep emotions from swarming over me, and taking control of my life. When I was young, I could control things a bit better… not a lot, but a bit. Now I just want to find some peace in my mind… I want the emotions to roll back, and let me enjoy life. And I can only do that here.
Today, I have to avoid as many emotional entanglements as I can. It is a quiet life. It is the only life I have found where I can relax much, if not most of the time. I like my home. I do not see it as a prison… though it feels like it some times.
Emotions swirl thru my mind, until all I can do is listen, or escape them. I prefer to escape. But that leaves me vulnerable to the emotions, actions, or whims of others.
So I am here. And it can be a very nice life… very happy. That ends up depending on the actions of others.
The most balanced times of my life, have been when I was truly alone… when I lived alone. Even when I was teaching, I could go home. There was a place for me.
And that is what I am building here.
Right now… I am sitting here with the lights low… candles and stained glass lamps. A scented candle adds a pleasant aroma to the air. My kitties around me. It is a place of dreams… a place I can only hope will continue.
A place of Peace of mind.
Good News from Woodburn!
Caliban came home about 5am today… he just showed up!
This photo is of him about 5 hours later, sleeping on my desk.
I have not been thinking of much else the last few weeks while Caliban has been gone. I am suddenly feeling a lot better.
Who is that Masked Man?
Mask removed… and I still can’t figure out who he is!!
And look at the FIRE in his eyes… He must be a real desperado!
Depression… It Never Quite Goes Away
This week has tested my limits – and the limits are still there. Depression is always lurking around the edges of my life. Some weeks make it almost inevitable. This was one of them.
Monday and Tuesday were horrible difficult. And issues all week never gave me a break. I was alone to deal… or at least to try. And this week it got to be way too much. But I still had to go on. Even this morning, I had to get up and do what I do every morning. There are things to take care of.
Once I am done, I will go back to bed, and hope the world will go away. Nice.
This Blog Starts on Tuesday, Jan. 7th…
These are some short notes I wrote while in Newport, Oregon this week…
Here I am – 100 miles from home… by myself. I have never gone on a trip by myself, to be by myself in my entire life. Right now I am wondering about whether I have done the right thing! My anxiety is way up, and I have a great desire to go home.
I do like it here – it is quiet, and there are nice places to eat and shop. But mainly I am here because of the wonderful Ocean View reading room on the 3rd floor. I am in the Jules Verne room of the hotel – there is a squid tentacle across the ceiling… it is a little intimidating! I have some fresh 3-cheese sourdough bread, and wine, so I am not starving.
But the big thing is that I am here!
It is my hope for this to become a place for me to go and get away – what do I have to get away from? A fair question. It is not as if I have a complicated life that needs a lot of relaxation. Actually… it is exactly like I have a complicated life, and need a lot of relaxation. I need to get away. We have been coming here for a couple of years, so I already feel comfortable here, but this is a bit more of a test.
I have already had several episodes of wanting to run away. It hurts. I have put a lot of time and effort into being able to come here. I can not give up so easily.
Day2
Well… I have actually been here less than a day. But it is my full day here. I had a nice breakfast, and then went out to get the things I forgot – toothpaste et.al. I am back on the 3rd floor in the ocean view reading room. Much of my day will be here – I do not feel like going out.
Last night was very difficult. After dinner at Nana’s Pub, I came back to read. As the evening went on, my anxieties grew. I had to fight a huge desire to go home. It took a long time to get to sleep… though I did sleep well once I fell off.
I have been preparing my thoughts for this rip for over a month. I know this place well enough to have figured out exactly what I would do each day – almost each hour. That keeps me going. All I have to decide is what to eat. And I studied the menu of the one place I am going, so I know what to expect. This is a place for reading, and my Kindle is full. And I have music and movies on my tablet. So I planned carefully to the last detail.
I could not have even thought of doing this f I did not know, and like this place so much. I have had this concept in the back of my thoughts for over a year. I was very careful.
Yesterday when I arrived, I was ready for everything to go wrong. I was worried, and upset. But so far, everything has been just as planned – except locking my keys in the car. But then, that is why I had a spare key in my pocket. I was very careful in my planning. I only forgot to bring my snacks… so I bought some here. No problem.
2013 – My Year in Review
This year started out with a lot of hope… and it ends that way too! 
Last Winter I learned some important things that have greatly helped me to start moving forward again. And I am now on the right track. There were some major setbacks, but they will fade into history as the new year gets going.
The holidays have been difficult – they always are. But I feel even that will be better next year. Being around groups of people is hard for me even when I know them.
I will be going on my very first overnight trip by myself, in the first half of January – that is going to be a big step! And things at home have been gradually improving for me. I am able to do more every week. There is room for optimism. I know which way to go now.
Sure… there are obstacles ahead, but I think I can see most of them, and though there will be struggles along the way, I feel better than ever about my chances. I am having less anxiety about my life, and day to day anxieties are down as well. I have reason to feel better about just about everything.
Home life is improving, and I am feeling better about my isolation – there is really nothing out there I feel like I am missing. I have a wonderful home, and a supportive love. And my kitties really like me!
I am actually looking forward to next year!
Living With Phobias – At Least for Me
Phobias do not just turn off when we need them to. They are always part of our lives. They eat at us until they win – or we push them back.
I am not a therapist… so I can only write about my own experiences. Learning to fight phobias is one of the most frustrating things I have ever tried to do, The powers of phobias ebb and flow in unpredictable ways. I have had to get used to failures at unexpected times (always?).
My concept of Embracing Agoraphobia goes back about 4 years – my psychologist and I worked it out. The basic concept is that if I can not go out, it is not the end of the World. Nothing has changed if I stay home. So go out when I can, and where I can, otherwise staying home is fine. There are places I can go – Walgreen’s, the Hobby store… to get cat food… So those are the places I can count on when I need to.
I really do love my home. And my own space is taking shape, and has become very comfortable. It is my safe place. Having a safe place to go and stay when I need it, is absolutely necessary to being able to move forward.
I only go out where I want to, or where I have to.
Sometimes I don’t go anywhere for more than a week. And that is just fine. I do not have to go out to prove anything to anyone. I do not have to go out for anyone else. So I don’t.
It is not a perfect system – but what is? There are times when I feel bad about not going somewhere. And I really would like to be able to go out more. But there are plenty of more important reasons I might feel bad. In the scope of the world, staying home is a very small issue.
Other people have a lot more difficulty getting used to it than I do! 
Io
Io is a great little kitty. He is also known as Io Schmio, and Spotted Nose Kitty. In the photo, he is climbing out of a display case thru an opening because of a missing pane of glass. Io explores everything.
Io likes to cuddle up at night, next to you, in a small kitty ball. He also likes to find the highest spot to sit. This is not a brave cat. When we moved, he spent the first month hiding in our bed… he was not seem downstairs much at all. But he is all settled in now.
When he sits or lies next to me, he will rest his chin on my hand, or arm. He can stay like that a very long time. Io likes to be close.
Ramblings of an Agoraphobe 