Tag Archives: hide

The Intervention of the Real World

I would rather most of the real world would just leave me alone – I don’t mean the people I know… or the places I like… I mean the rest of the crap.

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not my garden…  Portland Chinese Garden

Yesterday the sprinkler system was put in the back yard.  Fine.  It is raining today – welcome to Oregon!  I know the gardener well, but not the installer.  But I felt trapped in my own home.  My anxiety was way up all day.  And I had to remain sharp to answer questions that came up – there was only one.

I became a prisoner in my own home.  In my own office most of the time… constantly afraid someone would need something from me.  I did not get much done.  Mostly I just hide as best I could.  I could not concentrate on anything.

When they were done, I paid them, and came back into my office to great relief.  But I was so tired from it all, I went to bed a little after 6pm.  I was exhausted by anxiety.  It would have been nice if I has slept well…

But it is all OK.

Today, I get back on track as best I can.  My mind is starting to settle down this morning.  There are a lot of things to do, but I have time.  I can not know what will come up, but the worst is done.  At least for yesterday…

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Blogs, After this…

The last few weeks I have been in a fairly steady decline.  I am not sure where it is coming from, but right now it threatens to affect things I have been looking forward to over the next few weeks. 

There has been a difficult combination of long periods of higher than normal anxiety, and short but intensive depressive episodes.  I have not been able to work my way out of it.  This is at least day 4, and that is longer than I normally have to deal with.

I have not been able to get going on anything… I am not even enjoying the Olympics.  I was awake most of last night, fighting these feelings.  This is my Pit.  At times like this, I have to wonder if it is all worth while.  Fortunately, there are few times like this.

Suffice it to say I am frozen, and unable to much at all.

I Lived Hiding – Why I Write So Much

By that first part of the title, I mean, my life was hidden by a curtain I had learned to live behind from an early age.  I messed up one time I remember, in the second grade, and it still haunts me.  My existence depended on being able to act normal.  I knew I was not normal, but I thought it was because I was weak.  So the curtain came down, and got thicker.

As a teacher, a lot of what I was could come thru.  It helped me relate to students, and to see when to push, and when to let off.  But there was still a curtain between the observable me, and the real me.

So much hiding is what has lead me now, to so much NOT hiding.  Now I blast my thoughts and feelings out over the Internet.  This is the real me.  I have little to hide about what goes on in my brain.  I don’t care what people know about me… to a point.  And there are people reading what I write, and learning about the inside me.  I am out there folks… this is me.  If you doubt it, go away.

Don’t get me wrong… there is still a curtain… but it grows thinner with age.  And mostly remains about protecting the privacy of others.  That part of the curtain will always be there.

NOTE: I say “curtain” and not “wall”, because curtains move and shift with the breeze.  And that’s what happens in real life.

Halloween and Me

Halloween… I used to really like it… when I was a kid.

Now Halloween just shoots my anxiety thru the roof.  It’s been like that for a long time, and does not get any better.  I use extra meds, but it does not help much.  I usually turn off the lights, and hide.

There is candy to hand out, but I will probably have to wait for Lori to get home before I can do anything.  And I feel very bad about it.  I am letting the kids down.

It’s probably not as bad as it seems to me, but that thought does not help me feel any better.