Tag Archives: happy

My Biggest Motivator

Fear

Yup… that is it.  And I am not alone in that.  There are many of us.  Fear completely over-runs all other motivations.  It is far too powerful for mere humans to overcome.  At least for this human.

Fear comes in to play as anxiety.  It can spike up so high I become immobile.  I can not move… My body will not respond to my thoughts.  It is a very strange feeling.  There is a lock in my brain that stops signals from getting to my legs.  There is something deep going on.

Anxiety to the actual stopper… but fear is the greatest anxiety producer.  And I have a lot of fears – going out, crowds, dogs, meeting people, failure, heights… the list goes on.

There are things I try to do that combine some of those into one.  It gets pretty bad.

If I just stay home, I don’t have too many problems.  But even here things happen.  Staying home saves a tremendous amount of energy because of so much less anxiety.

The issue then becomes – can I live a good happy life this way?  Yes… I can.  I can still go out locally for things I need.  And I can still go on trips, and visit places I want to see.  There are issues with those trips, but they are well worth it.

So why should I push harder?  I am happiest when I can just life my life at home.  I do need to find ways to make some things work better, but I can do that.

That is my goal… at least for now.  Once I get this working, then I can think about ways to get out more… perhaps.

Why Have I Got Worse?

Some aspects of my life have got worse over the last 10 years.  But it’s sort of a trade – other things are a lot better.  I’m not sure it’s a fair trade, but it is working for me.

There are things I used to be able to do, that are totally out of reach to me now – like teaching.  I gave teaching my all, and there is nothing left for that kind of activity.   I can not deal with being around groups of people, let alone in front of them talking.

I used to be able to go out more – shopping and such.  Now it’s all very complicated, and requires planning.  Even then, there are limits to what I can do, and where I can go.

But I gained something too – I am now much more comfortable, and “happy” at home.  I am happy with where I am in my life.  My personal live exists now… not so much before therapy and meds.  I am more than comfortable, and enjoy my home, and can socialize from here.

The whole time I was teaching, I did not have a social life… it’s much better now!  I have on-line friends, and get out enough to feel satisfied.  The trips we go on are more fun, and fulfilling.  What I can do, is pleasant, and helps me deal with other issues.

Basically I made a really good trade.  Things are more relaxed, and I have much more peace of mind.  I like it.  I wish I could have found this earlier in my life, but I am not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth!

Happy Anxiety

Yes… it is possible to be happy and have a lot of anxiety.  That’s how I spent much of the last 3 days.  We were in Ashland, OR seeing a whole bunch of plays!  And we had a great time.  But I had a lot of anxiety almost the whole time.

It was tiring.  Though it should have helped me build energy, I feel depleted.  I am an introvert, so when I interact with people – even when it is fun – it drains off energy.  I have never been able to go to a party, and get energized.

I know all this… but I did not always.  When I was young, I was surprised at how I felt after a party or such.  To the point where I basically stopped going to them.  In college I had gradually become more social, only to completely crash out of it.  A lot of people wondered what was going on… some people thought I considered myself to be better than everyone else.

Actually, I thought everyone was better than me!  I could not figure out what was wrong with me.  And that may be the main reason I have not made any new friends to socialize with since about 1977 (not counting Lori).  I taught in Seaside, OR for 15 years without making any new friends.  This was mostly because I was virtually always too burned out to socialize.  Just teaching took it all out of me.

So I am tired, and feeling very drained after our fun trip to Ashland.  It was great… but I need some major recovery time.